DS hates writing / school so much he cries every day

[SleepingStandingUp]

He's 5, year 1. He's come down this morning first day back and once again there's tears. I've tried cuddles and talking out and then firm boundaries re uniform and going. But he still cries / screams every day.

Today he's said he doesn't like it because of the learning and he doesn't like the learning because of writing. He's saying his hand hurts but he's quite prescious so if it actually hurt to do something he'd say at the time, and it doesn't hurt to do Lego and other fine motor skills things.

I'm just at a loss..

We're on a list for support with him dealing with his big emotions but it isn't specifically about school.

School SENCO knows I struggle of a morning but he seems ok once there if occasionally oppositional.

I'm dreading getting him out the door.

The thought of another decade of this sadness...

Any Wise words on how we get through this and please don't do the "you tell him to get dressed and get out the house" because he will but he's still sad and crying every morning. He never misses a day or goes in late because of this so he hasn't learnt if he moans enough I concede

It’s been a funny year with more time at home than school, I know many children of that age will be feeling like that as they go back.

It’s a bit like settling in all over again, so some of it at least may well be down to that.

He's so young for writing. It will be a few years yet until his hand muscles and their connections with his brain mature. Children are often expected to do things before they are developmentally ready. My son is 5, in reception and finds writing very difficult.

It will get easier for him, I think the challenge is keeping his confidence from being knocked in the meantime. I just wanted to send sympathy as I understand how hard it is to have a crying child in the morning who doesn't want to go to school.

My friends ds told her for ages that his hand hurt when he wrote. he is autistic and she couldn't really get to the bottom of it. Then in relation to something else they got him tested for hypermobility, and bingo.

He now uses a laptop for a lot of his writing as he really can't write a lot, as his hand hurts!

A couple of years later I was tutoring a lad with similar thing and the worst most unreadable handwriting I have ever seen. I suggested Mum got an OT assessment, and sure enough hypermobile joints.

I second what a previous poster suggested.. look at purchasing the ‘Write from the Start’ handwriting scheme. It worked brilliantly for a little boy I used to work with.
Make it fun - let him use colour pencils and give little stickers as rewards with lots of praise.
You could also try a small chalkboard with multicoloured chalks or a small whiteboard with wipeable pens, so he can get used to writing letters and drawing shapes without the pressure of paper and pen.
Play lots of games like hangman and noughts and crosses too.

He’s a premature baby with lung issues and possible hypermobility. (I have one of those as well- we have had a physio assessment, an OT assessment and we also do speech therapy). I would back off the writing and focus on lots of fine motor stuff in general. (We are in the US so he’s been under Early Intervention right from the start). Mark making can be done outside of a formal pencil. Writing in sand or rice.
Painting out letters and numbers. Take the pressure right off.
In the US btw he would be starting reception/kindergarten in August based on his age and he would be considered a genius since he can read already.
Theraputty is great for strengthening fingers.

@MeadowHay he'd be devastated 5o go back a year, and there's no way he wouldn't feel like he was having to repeat everything he's done. O really feel like the opportunity has passed and putting him back now would do more harm mentally

@TheVanguardSix me too 😕. Psychology have said they'll speak to school about movement breaks as he is never. ever. still but obv at school, and mainstream, and covid.... plus losing playtime to catch up. Like I'll happily do it at home but he needs his playtime. Hopefully Psych and SENCO can agree

I’d also build on school being a positive and work on the social side. Arrange some short play dates. I found when mine were struggling with friendships that the actual play date didn’t seem to have much point, but at school when there is a play date booked in, there is quite a lot of bonding and excitement between the children having the play date. Just take them to the park for a bit, back for tea (maybe pizza and/or with pudding) and then let them watch tv.

@4PawsGood

I’d also build on school being a positive and work on the social side. Arrange some short play dates. I found when mine were struggling with friendships that the actual play date didn’t seem to have much point, but at school when there is a play date booked in, there is quite a lot of bonding and excitement between the children having the play date. Just take them to the park for a bit, back for tea (maybe pizza and/or with pudding) and then let them watch tv.

I'm in the UK, that isn't permissable here

We discovered our DS has hypermobility in his fingers. His wrists are fine. We had physio on the hands, strengthening the fingers with things like picking up bits of lego with tweezers, using a clothes peg (opening and closing it just with the thumb and forefinger, then with the thumb and second finger (both used to steady a pen). Rolling a ball up and down the thigh when he's standing up - just using the first two fingers and thumb (again, building the dexterity).

Our physio also worked on the core muscles (around the tummy and back) as they are the anchors when you write - if they're weak then you use your shoulder, wrist and elbow to steady yourself when you write and that becomes very painful. So exercises like passing a ball behind you to someone sitting back to back, then getting back the other way, hopping, going into a 'bridge' shape (knees bent, arms on floor laying on the back and push the hips up - then hold for a count of 10. DS would wobble all the time at first).

His school (secondary) have been very good and allow him now to type but, when he does do handwriting (which is now challenges himself to do) it is really nice. Straight, formed and consistent sized letters - something that he really struggled with at primary school. The great thing is that his SENCO has hypermobility (if great is the right word as it's very painful for her) so she understands that the pain can feel like arthritis.

Worth having a word about seeing a physio just to get the core, shoulder, arm and hand checked out.

I'll have another word about the pain. Would it be somewhere specific? He says everywhere but like I said, he's never mentioned it before and we have some issues with DS giving the answers he thinks he should

I'm hyper mobile in my hands and can only write for a very short amount of time before it's far too painful to continue. I have to continuously stop, shake/move my hand for the pain to go away, then continue. Thank god I don't have to do much writting at work. Typing doesn't cause any pain. I drop stuff alot though, my mum said I was always the clumsy one but it was like my grip just went. I hope your son gets on ok, bless him.

School is totally shit now for 5 year olds. My only advice would be, if you can afford it, to send him to a more relaxed private school eg forest type school or homeschool him (play based) for a few years. But this all depends on your finances. I would not put my kids through the current primary system and I say that as a teacher.

Yy to OT. He needs a proper assessment. It needs to be part of his EHCP, if he hadnt got one already he probably needs a full assessment.

If you can afford to go private please absolutely do that for OT. NHS, when you finally get them, are often loathe to prescribe because then they or the LEA have to provide.

Ill put money on the fact he needs pencil grips and a writing slope as a barest minimum, most children benefit from these anyway. A decent ot might also suggest alternative ways of recording work such as touch typing or, if he has clear speech, dictation.

Lego causes no pain for me either. It's the way your hands and fingers are when you hold a pen. My son complained of stomach aches for ages that we put down to anxiety and not wanting to go to school then we found out he had a bowel obstruction and needed surgery I felt awful. Sometimes our children aren't just being dramatic.

@FireflyRainbow

I'm hyper mobile in my hands and can only write for a very short amount of time before it's far too painful to continue. I have to continuously stop, shake/move my hand for the pain to go away, then continue. Thank god I don't have to do much writting at work. Typing doesn't cause any pain. I drop stuff alot though, my mum said I was always the clumsy one but it was like my grip just went. I hope your son gets on ok, bless him.

He draws a lot, I might get him to do some drawing and colouring - presumably that would have the same effect??

@OldWivesTale

School is totally shit now for 5 year olds. My only advice would be, if you can afford it, to send him to a more relaxed private school eg forest type school or homeschool him (play based) for a few years. But this all depends on your finances. I would not put my kids through the current primary system and I say that as a teacher.

Not a chance. DS is on a low/av salary, I don't work as I quit cos of DS being so poorly. Now have 16 mo twins at home too

And home schooling is not conducive to us having a positive relationship, esp with twins to factor in.

Wed manange a tutor out of his DLA if it would help but extra school would be like child abuse in his eyes

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Yy to OT. He needs a proper assessment. It needs to be part of his EHCP, if he hadnt got one already he probably needs a full assessment.

If you can afford to go private please absolutely do that for OT. NHS, when you finally get them, are often loathe to prescribe because then they or the LEA have to provide.

Ill put money on the fact he needs pencil grips and a writing slope as a barest minimum, most children benefit from these anyway. A decent ot might also suggest alternative ways of recording work such as touch typing or, if he has clear speech, dictation.

He's had a zoom OT assessment, we could probably afford a private one. And yes to EHCP, just reviewed ironically but the learning side was quite light as he's average. Speech Def not clear enough for diction, he's still under speech therapy and has an annoying habit of not swallowing properly which makes it worse

Can he have friends round for pizza in the garden, is that allowed in your area (weather dependant of course)

Hypermobility the pain could well be everywhere. Look for things like rubbing wrist whilst writing. When holding a pencil, is the finger from the top joint bent backwards or supported by the index finger. Is there the start of a bump on the index finger because DC is holding the pen too tight for it. And slow writing.

Keeping in at break is only going to help if the cause is the child messing around. Removing rest periods is otherwise going to make the situation significantly worse. If an otherwise studious child is staying in a break because they are not completing an amount of work comparative to their peers then school should be raising a query. They are failing your child miserably by not

@FireflyRainbow

Lego causes no pain for me either. It's the way your hands and fingers are when you hold a pen. My son complained of stomach aches for ages that we put down to anxiety and not wanting to go to school then we found out he had a bowel obstruction and needed surgery I felt awful. Sometimes our children aren't just being dramatic.

O think cos he's had so many issues(Inc a bowel obstruction lol) I'm hyper aware of everything as ascribing a cause to stuff beyond "he's 5, it's been a shot year, you DUMPED TWINS on his last Xmas" iyswim. We will keep talking.

@Hazelnutlatteplease it's when they feel the child is deliberately not trying. So 5 minutes of telling him to open his book and wrote he date, so we've talked about if that happens, telling teacher why he can't do it rather than just not.

Would drawing have the same effect? He's still got an immature grip so hands wrapped around pencil. I can remind him to do proper grip and he will but he struggles. We've got pencil grips, I'll talk to school about taking them in

He's had a zoom OT assessment

Has he done any standardised testing? There should be a specific handwriting one?

@ineedaholidaynow sorry yes that is

I’m amazed school haven’t helped him with his grip.

Can you revisit his EHCP?

@Hazelnutlatteplease

He's had a zoom OT assessment

Has he done any standardised testing? There should be a specific handwriting one?

She watched him wrote a little but nothing formal, he was actually referred on the back of a term of me going in for head bumps from falling but that seems to have got better. But possibily because he isn't running around as much