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Original poster

DS has come out. Now what?

76 replies

Beebityboo · 16/04/2021 11:57

DS came out as gay yesterday to me and DH. Says he's known he was gay for a while now. I just told him we love him no matter what and off he went upstairs to play. He said he was glad we know.
So what now? I want to support him fully. He's always struggled with his body image/identity (keeps his hair long etc) and is coming up to puberty so want to make sure he's supported and feels secure.
He's supposed to be going to a Catholic high school (though we aren't Catholic. It's just a really good school). Should I reconsider this?
I just need some advice on where to go from here. What to say/what not to say. Should I tell him to keep it a secret as he's still at primary?

OP posts:
BanningTheWordNaice · 16/04/2021 12:06

Speak to him about it - I know one friend who really struggled to come out as a young adult because his top catholic school and basically taught them gay people go to hell and were shameful. This was in the 90s though so it’s possible things have moved on.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 16/04/2021 12:09

His sister goes to the school which is mainly why he wants to go there but I do wonder whether it being a Catholic school would make homophobia/bullying more likely. But I don't want to encourage him to hide/being ashamed of who he is either.

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 16/04/2021 12:17

What’s the ethos of the school? Have you met the priest?

I have known priests who don’t care and consider anyone attending church to be a good thing, whether gay, straight, divorced, red yellow or blue.

But other communities are more old school.

For my kids I have told them they don’t need to “come out”, i don’t care who they date or whether they pitch up with a girl or boy. There seems to be a trend at some schools for formally announcing sexuality very early, and I’m not sure I like kids making that decision so early on. They should keep their options open!

I’d maybe pop along to mass a few weekends or for school events and see.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 16/04/2021 12:20

Yeah I've told him this doesn't mean he can't change his mind/be whoever he wants to be.
I've not met the priest once, DD hasn't been at the school long and as far as I know it's quite a relaxed Catholic school, the religious stuff tends to be mainly at assemblies and RE lessons (compulsory until year 11)

OP posts:
mommybunny · 16/04/2021 12:23

I am no expert, and I am happy to be corrected, but on the assumption your DS’s school is a state school I would think he can’t be excluded on the basis of his sexuality. That being the case, the concern as you rightly point out is homophobia/bullying. I don’t think the fact of the school being Catholic would make this any more or less likely - it sadly can happen in any kind of setting.

I wouldn’t advise that your DS necessarily volunteer the information he is gay but at the same time there should be no need to hide it. As with most things, context is everything - in introducing himself to a new acquaintance it would be odd to just offer that up, while in response to someone stating “I don’t know anyone who is gay” it could be very enlightening.

Does he have any friends who know?

Your support and that of your DH and the rest of your family will be crucial for your DS, so it’s wonderful that he can take that for granted OP.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 16/04/2021 12:25

No he hasn't told anyone but DH, DD and I right now. Apparently he told DD a month ago.

OP posts:
LudoBear · 16/04/2021 12:26

I would change school purely because I wouldn't want my child going to a school with a religious belief that does not support or agree with homosexuality.

FluffMagnet · 16/04/2021 12:37

My best friend went to a Catholic boys grammar (NI) and he, his best friends and a number of other school friends are happily out and proud. Ultimately it is going to depend on the school itself combined with your support as parents rather than purely saying "it is Catholic so he will be persecuted." As for the now, I think just try to make things as normal as possible and don't make a big deal about it.

mommybunny · 16/04/2021 13:08

@LudoBear

Catholic teaching is that adultery, ie sexual activity outside marriage, is sinful. The fact of the activity being homosexual rather than sexual is really neither here nor there. Adultery isn’t “worse”, ie less deserving of forgiveness, if it’s homosexual, iyswim.

If everyone who planned to, or thought they might, “commit adultery” shunned Catholic schools they would have no pupils.

At the same time, an out homosexual who was celibate would be completely compliant with Catholic teaching.

The real problem with Catholic teaching is that no homosexual activity can ever be anything other than adulterous, because marriage can only be between a man and a woman.

DinoHat · 16/04/2021 13:13

@mommybunny although that might be factually true I know catholics who are very homophobic.

OP could you speak to the school and gauge their reaction to your concerns? I suspect they will have a stock answer based on their legal requirements rather than their moral ones, but I bet their tone will give it away. I wouldn’t want to risk extra prejudice for your son.

idontlikealdi · 16/04/2021 13:20

How old is out of interest if he "went upstairs to play?".

I'd do nothing at the moment tbh.

Bit long winded but my lesbian cousin's daughter goes to catholic school, they were really worried about being accepted as a two mum family but have had nothing but support from the school.

If you don't have to be catholic to get into the school I would imagine / hope the students and faculty are not all homophobic old school catholics.

I thought / hoped we were at a stage now were 'coming out' isn't even a thing, particularly amongst the younger generation.

However, the ultimate stance of Catholicism is that being gay is wrong, guess it depends how that sits with you.

Empra123 · 16/04/2021 13:22

My gay DD was at a Catholic college where the head was gay and married to his husband. So from our experience - not a problem.

RightlyPointingOut · 16/04/2021 13:24

Our youngest DS24 is gay and went to a Catholic high school (closest/good school to us). Fortunately he never had any problems with bullying/homophobia but he did struggle with general Catholic stances on abortion, contraception etc. I got the impression that only a small number of the teaching staff were full on Catholics - most of the teachers just paid lip-service and the vast majority of the pupils likewise.
I would ask around to get a feel for the school. I assume you will have the option to pull him out of RE lessons/church visits etc should you choose to.

Aside, I do agree with a pp (not aimed at you Op) but why do people still have to ‘come out’? Even though DS knew we are accepting/tolerant/understanding people he was shaking when he told us - it still breaks my heart he went through that.

MizMoonshine · 16/04/2021 13:30

I went to a Catholic school. An unusual amount of my year group was not straight. There was no bullying, in fact most of the openly gay students were very popular.

Hallyup5 · 16/04/2021 13:30

Sorry but I find it somewhat ludicrous that a primary age child can have "known that he was gay for a while now". Where on earth has he got that idea from?! He's far too young to have any genuine feelings of that sort.

You do nothing, you support him, but you don't encourage him. Certainly don't tell to keep it a secret. You sent him to the school he wants to go to and you don't give him any indication that Catholic schools are homophobic. If any issues arise, you deal with them then. Don't go looking for them.

mommybunny · 16/04/2021 13:34

@DinoHat

And I know lots of Protestants, Jews, Muslims and atheists who are very homophobic.

@idontlikealdi

The “ultimate stance” of Catholicism is not that being gay is wrong. The teaching of the Catholic Church is that sex outside of marriage is wrong, and that homosexual couples cannot be married. This teaching is not out of line with CofE teaching, I might add.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-51233003.amp

Creepygnochi · 16/04/2021 13:39

I have the triple-whammy of lgbt+ amongst my kids with a lesbian daughter, gay son, and trans daughter, and with my lesbian dd and gay ds we just, more or less, said 'cool'. The best approach is to acknowledge it, then treat it like you would a straight sexuality. Overcompensating is just as homophobic as being unsupportive, because at it's core it's really about your own discomfort and your guilt about said discomfort.

We too are catholic, but it didn't even come into play. Ds in particular is still quite spiritual, even though he's engaged to another male. At it's core, he's relationship with whatever he does (or doesn't) call God is personal.

idontlikealdi · 16/04/2021 13:40

Not quite @mommybunny - sec within marriage is for procreation hence not using contraceptives. Homosexual couples cannot procreate through sex. I think there is some crap about anyone gay should aim to lead a celibate life.

I'm a 'cradle catholic' and think all of it is bullshit and wouldn't set foot in a catholic church again fwiw!

Original poster
Beebityboo · 16/04/2021 13:42

@Hallyup5

Sorry but I find it somewhat ludicrous that a primary age child can have "known that he was gay for a while now". Where on earth has he got that idea from?! He's far too young to have any genuine feelings of that sort.

You do nothing, you support him, but you don't encourage him. Certainly don't tell to keep it a secret. You sent him to the school he wants to go to and you don't give him any indication that Catholic schools are homophobic. If any issues arise, you deal with them then. Don't go looking for them.

Why is it ludicrous? Would you find it ludicrous if he had said he had a crush on girl in his year six class? How is it different?
OP posts:
Original poster
Beebityboo · 16/04/2021 13:44

Coming out was the term I used which isn't an adequate description of what happened really. He just said he was gay and wanted us to know and that was that.

OP posts:
DinoHat · 16/04/2021 13:45

And I know lots of Protestants, Jews, Muslims and atheists who are very homophobic.

Yup - although we aren’t talking about those.

Trixie78 · 16/04/2021 13:47

Sounds like you've handled it perfectly, there's nothing wrong with being gay. I would think very hard about the Catholic school though. You should speak to them in advance to check their views. I've not met a gay person who went to a Catholic school and had a good experience if I'm honest xx

mommybunny · 16/04/2021 13:48

Just to be clear OP, I don’t wish to imply that I agree with the Catholic Church’s or any other religion’s teaching that effectively only heterosexuals can have officially sanctioned sexual relationships, because they are the only ones who can get married within that religion. I myself am a lapsed Catholic who strongly disagrees with their position on abortion and female priests.

I just hoped to alleviate your concern that your DS being in a Catholic school could make things harder for him than in any other school, and to rebut the notion raised by other posters that the church itself would condemn your DS for being who he is. I can’t promise there will be no bullying or difficulty (though thankfully far less than in the past, one would hope), but it doesn’t come from the teaching of the church.

JustSleepAlready · 16/04/2021 13:49

If his school is anything like my daughters the kids literally don’t give a monkeys tail what preference they are. All the kids are aware of a million different preferences and it’s as normal as eating lunch apparently! Maybe think on the high school - religious ideals may make it uncomfortable for him at best, absolutely awful at worst. You don’t need to do anything. If your kids told you they were straight what would you do?....nothing, except maybe have ‘the talk’. Just make sure he knows you support him and he can come to you.

Hallyup5 · 16/04/2021 13:53

Can't quote but yes, I'd find it ludicrous for him to have a crush on a girl in his year six class. Certainly no deep-cemented feelings at that age. Yes, I have a child in year six.