DS has come out. Now what?

[Beebityboo]

DS came out as gay yesterday to me and DH. Says he's known he was gay for a while now. I just told him we love him no matter what and off he went upstairs to play. He said he was glad we know.
So what now? I want to support him fully. He's always struggled with his body image/identity (keeps his hair long etc) and is coming up to puberty so want to make sure he's supported and feels secure.
He's supposed to be going to a Catholic high school (though we aren't Catholic. It's just a really good school). Should I reconsider this?
I just need some advice on where to go from here. What to say/what not to say. Should I tell him to keep it a secret as he's still at primary?

Yes will definitely not be making it a big deal, I just want to make sure he feels supported and it's really positive to hear how accepting some catholic schools can be. I suppose he could get bullied even at a secular school so should go with his preference when it comes to his secondary school.

At my DS’s school there is a LGBT society that’s very well publicised. Lots of photos of meetings in school publications, guest speakers etc. Maybe see if there are similar societies at the secondary schools in your area as it suggests a (hopefully) accepting environment?

@DinoHat

Well, yes, we are talking about Protestants, Jews, Muslims etc because OP is asking if her DS is going to be worse off in a Catholic school than he would have been in a different school, presumably with people of those religions. I’m saying he is no more or less likely to find homophobia in a Catholic school than in any other. If he went to a CofE school he would presumably learn the same teaching about marriage, because they have more or less the same position.

@Hallyup5

Can't quote but yes, I'd find it ludicrous for him to have a crush on a girl in his year six class. Certainly no deep-cemented feelings at that age. Yes, I have a child in year six.

I think if you ask a straight person when they knew they were straight they would mostly say that they just always knew, I don't know why it would be different for DS.

I agree with talking to the school/priest about their approach and talk to your DS about things re school. If he has to have short hair things like that will he accept that? Just make sure the school is right for him.

@JustSleepAlready it’s not a preference, it’s an orientation. Language is v important- use of the word “preference” implies sexuality is a choice, whereas all gay people would tell you they don’t choose to be bullied and discriminated against.

And to the OP, you do nothing but love your son and not make it any more of an issue than if he were straight and as others have said deal with issues as and when they arise.

although that might be factually true I know catholics who are very homophobic

I find the degree of homophobia depends on the community culture, rather than the catholicism itself, iyswim.

I went to church for a while in an area with a high proportion of West Africans. Homosexuality is criminalised in many places in that area, so they tended to follow the “homosexuality is a sin” to the letter. West African priest so led from the front.

Whereas my school priests and nuns were very open to discussion in the topic, and sex generally. I remember one teacher telling us that yes, homosexuality and contraception were technically a sin, but then so was sex before marriage so if you’re going to have sex before marriage, then crack on with the contraception and/or whatever sex partner because you might as well break all the rules

Totally right to assume he knows what he’s talking about and it’s wonderful that he felt safe enough to tell you. He may or may not want to continue talking about it with you again, though. Be aware that it’s actually a lot more “normal” than when we were at school and much more acceptable. It’s not really a thing” unless the kid wants it to be. I have a DD who has chosen to discuss her sexuality with me only, but isn’t yet comfortable discussing it with anyone else. Obviously it causes her more distress than it needs to as she is utterly accepted by everyone in the family - I am just not sure she’s embraced it herself yet, poor darling. (The younger DD has guessed, and been told to mind her business though!)

Changing his school because of his sexuality just seems a way to make him feel like being gay is a problem.

I went to catholic school 20+ years ago. Few teachers or students thought that being gay was against catholicism. In fact, very few students chose to become practising catholics in adulthood. Keep on, accept whatever his life turns out to be.

@Hallyup5

Can't quote but yes, I'd find it ludicrous for him to have a crush on a girl in his year six class. Certainly no deep-cemented feelings at that age. Yes, I have a child in year six.

I was very aware of my sexuality in year six, and before to be honest but there are also plenty of kids who aren't at that age, perhaps that was your experience.... but I would expect most children to have had some experience of sexual/ romantic desire by the ages of 9/10...

MOTU, any experience of 'sexual' desire 🙄 at that age is learned behaviour. They see older siblings with boyfriends and girlfriends, single parents who go through partners like clothes, pick up on what friends tell them etc. They are children, with the brain development of children. There is no desire.

They may feel different, I had a friend growing up who has come out as gay but there's no way he knew he was gay at 10. He just knew he liked playing with girls over boys and that he was more feminine. He categorically did not fancy boys at that age.

I'm not saying that his feelings aren't valid, but year six is far too young to be 'coming out'.

Surely it isn't that unusual to start having crushes etc at nearly 11 when puberty is starting? As I said I was the one who used the phrase "coming out" DS didn't, he was very relaxed and matter of fact about it. I assume he's told me as next term they were told they were going to start having sex ed so it's been on his mind.

I find the degree of homophobia depends on the community culture, rather than the catholicism itself, iyswim.

Dead right (where I’m from many people would say “damn straight” but this isn’t the right place for that )

@Hallyup5

MOTU, any experience of 'sexual' desire 🙄 at that age is learned behaviour. They see older siblings with boyfriends and girlfriends, single parents who go through partners like clothes, pick up on what friends tell them etc. They are children, with the brain development of children. There is no desire.

They may feel different, I had a friend growing up who has come out as gay but there's no way he knew he was gay at 10. He just knew he liked playing with girls over boys and that he was more feminine. He categorically did not fancy boys at that age.

I'm not saying that his feelings aren't valid, but year six is far too young to be 'coming out'.

What nonsense.

By 10 I knew that I was heterosexual - I wouldn't have known that word or really what sex was, but I knew I liked boys and I had a crush on a boy. No reason it should be any different for a gay child. Not everyone knows at that age but a lot do.

@Hallyup5 as I said, that's your perspective based on your experience, I shared mine, whether you believe it or not that's my experience.... your tone is quite dismissive and as your views on this conflict with my experience and many of my friends, it might be worth considering that there are a range of perspectives on this.

@nancywhitehead quite

Worked at one Catholic school where we spent a fair bit of time making sure kids weren't accidentally outed to their parents - because we had found they were often a greater risk to their children than anybody else.

As long as he isn't found skivving off maths and snogging another kid behind the science block, it's none of our business. And even then, there will be all sorts of gymnastics involved in the wording of the detention letter for truancy.

It was a much kinder atmosphere than in the non religious and CofE schools.

@Hallyup5

MOTU, any experience of 'sexual' desire 🙄 at that age is learned behaviour. They see older siblings with boyfriends and girlfriends, single parents who go through partners like clothes, pick up on what friends tell them etc. They are children, with the brain development of children. There is no desire.

They may feel different, I had a friend growing up who has come out as gay but there's no way he knew he was gay at 10. He just knew he liked playing with girls over boys and that he was more feminine. He categorically did not fancy boys at that age.

I'm not saying that his feelings aren't valid, but year six is far too young to be 'coming out'.

Well my younger sister saw both me and my eldest sister have boyfriends my aunt married 4 times and my parents were together 57 years.....she is still a lesbian though so I guess we didn't teach her well enough for you.

Forgot to add, my sister most definitely fancied girls at the age of 10

Hallyup5 by year 6 many girls are having periods and therefore maturing sexually. Boys too may be doing the same thing. I have two DDs - DD2 has suspected she was attracted to girls well before Yr6 but kept an open mind. It really isn't impossible for someone in Yr6 to be aware of their sexual orientation - speak to any adult, gay or straight. It's incredibly naive to think otherwise.

I think there is some crap about anyone gay should aim to lead a celibate life.

Again, this isn’t restricted to Catholics. The Rev Richard Coles (ex-member of The Coomunards, BBC radio presenter, I think did a turn on Strictly?), a CofE vicar, was living with his male partner, until the partner’s (heartbreakingly sad and untimely) death, in a celibate relationship. It was the only way he could keep his ministry and have his chosen life partner.

My little brother said the same to me around that age and it wasn’t the case in the end (or at least his girlfriend should hope not). A woman from work also said her son said it to her around that age too and it’s not the case for him either now. I may just be a phase some boys are confused about. I wouldn’t change schools because of it.

I’ve 3 adult gay children. G,b,g. They all came out at about 15-17 quietly to close friends and to us.

They didn’t encounter any upset from school although the youngest d drifted away from her then friends.

At the time I was a teacher at their school and A. would have been likely to hear and B. Would have had a few words to say.

We’ve let them be themselves. We always had lots of their friends round and that continued. Some straight, some gay, some curious.

I like to think we were supportive both to their them, their friends and to other parents who had children also coming out.

There probably are some who pointed at us - ‘they’ve got 3 gay children, they must have done something wrong.’ Sod ‘em.

We’ve had one or two stay with us because the parents were total shits and wouldn't accept their gay children.

So what to do....... be there, be supportive, don’t be intrusive. We told our parents with our children’s permission. They were ok. But we worried about my parents - we were prepared to go NC if my Dad had been awkward - but he wasn’t.

Does your son need to change schools? Probably not, he’s enough going on in his life.
Do you need to tell the school. No. Unless he wants you to or there are problems.
If you do need to complain then keep the moral high ground, be quietly assertive and ask to go higher. In the unlikely event of serious upset briefly mention ofsted - that’ll steady the ship.

I think what we learnt is to be there - just as you would be for a straight child,

Of all the events that children bring your way this is just one. It seems big at the moment but its just one.

We’ve now got a lovely partners of our 3. For those who thing its the end of the world (not you OP) it isn’t.

Ps if anyone tells you its a lifestyle choice tell them to f... off from me.

All the best.

@bluebluezoo

What’s the ethos of the school? Have you met the priest?

I have known priests who don’t care and consider anyone attending church to be a good thing, whether gay, straight, divorced, red yellow or blue.

But other communities are more old school.

For my kids I have told them they don’t need to “come out”, i don’t care who they date or whether they pitch up with a girl or boy. There seems to be a trend at some schools for formally announcing sexuality very early, and I’m not sure I like kids making that decision so early on. They should keep their options open!

I’d maybe pop along to mass a few weekends or for school events and see.

Why does there always have to be a homophobic comment (or a dozen) on threads like this? Haven't you anything better to do?

@Hallyup5

MOTU, any experience of 'sexual' desire 🙄 at that age is learned behaviour. They see older siblings with boyfriends and girlfriends, single parents who go through partners like clothes, pick up on what friends tell them etc. They are children, with the brain development of children. There is no desire.

They may feel different, I had a friend growing up who has come out as gay but there's no way he knew he was gay at 10. He just knew he liked playing with girls over boys and that he was more feminine. He categorically did not fancy boys at that age.

I'm not saying that his feelings aren't valid, but year six is far too young to be 'coming out'.

Sexual orientation is about a bit more than sexual or 'sexual' desire.