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Original poster

DS has come out. Now what?

76 replies

Beebityboo · 16/04/2021 11:57

DS came out as gay yesterday to me and DH. Says he's known he was gay for a while now. I just told him we love him no matter what and off he went upstairs to play. He said he was glad we know.
So what now? I want to support him fully. He's always struggled with his body image/identity (keeps his hair long etc) and is coming up to puberty so want to make sure he's supported and feels secure.
He's supposed to be going to a Catholic high school (though we aren't Catholic. It's just a really good school). Should I reconsider this?
I just need some advice on where to go from here. What to say/what not to say. Should I tell him to keep it a secret as he's still at primary?

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 16/04/2021 16:23

@ Hallyup5 people like you think it’s unusual/that they can’t possibly know because as a general rule it is human nature to be attracted to people of the opposite sex. Therefore it can be hard to comprehend how someone might feel they’re actually attracted to people of the same sex. Iyswim.

My DS never came out as such. He is bisexual but it just kind of came up in conversation. There was no need for a conversation around it really as people are who they are, iyswim.

I do think that it is possible that someone might feel they’re gay at a certain age and may realise that they’re not, in the same way people realise that they’re gay later in life when they’ve always lived with people of the opposite sex. Iyswim.

That doesn’t mean we should say “well, he may be gay, he may not,” but more that we should just accept people for who they are now and what happens down the line really doesn’t matter.

peak2021 · 16/04/2021 16:24

I've known gay men and lesbians as adults who knew at that age they were gay or lesbian respectively. So not unusual I think. Many teachers in Catholic schools are not Catholic, and I agree with the comment about culture being a factor as much as the religion.

As for it being a secret, just tell him you will not discuss it with anyone else unless he asks you to. I expect your DD will be similarly respectful no doubt.

Happytobejabbed · 16/04/2021 16:26

A priest I know fairly well is ok with me to say things against those that are cruel, ill-informed, bigoted, unthinking in their comments as I can say things that he can’t.

I would say that despite the party line many in the church are fine with those that are different.

iamaMused · 16/04/2021 16:30

Op can I please recommend you listen to the podcast 'out with Suzy Ruffell' it is absolutely brilliant, she has had several guests over3 series and they all talk about how they 'came out' to their parents and how they handled the situation, from what you said I think you you responded perfectly.
Each guests is asked if they could tell their younger selves anything what would it be and I think their responses may really help you.

BrilliantBetty · 16/04/2021 16:34

What are the other options?

If there is a very good alternative secondary, I would be considering it, even if further away.

OldScrappyAndHungry · 16/04/2021 16:44

My gay brother (now in his 50s) knew from Y7so don’t dismiss the idea he doesn’t know now.

Micah · 16/04/2021 16:59

*What are the other options?

If there is a very good alternative secondary, I would be considering it, even if further away*

We’re catholic and my child went to catholic school up to year 4, when we moved so she went to the local, non denominational, community school.

They went to church and had way more religion on the school timetable than the catholic school!!

I wouldn’t have had a clue until she told me they’d all walked to church for christmas services.

Arrierttyclock · 16/04/2021 17:53

I went to a Roman Catholic school and half the students were gay it didn't matter at all

HeartsAndClubs · 16/04/2021 19:28

I’ve been giving this some thought and actually I think that changing his school becaus he’s come out is wrong and sends him a terrible message.

Ultimately, if he hadn’t come out to you before he went to secondary you presumably wouldn’t have changed his school if he was already there. So actually, if you decide not to send him to that school now you are giving him the message that coming out as gay means he needs to be treated differently, that the school his sister is at isn’t good enough for him, or rather that he isn’t good enough for that school because being gay is unacceptable there.

As hard as it is he needs to live his own life, and as a secondary student he needs to come out and make those decisions for himself. You can’t make them for him. You can’t decide where he goes or where he doesn’t go based on what he’s told you and has chosen not to tell anyone else yet.

All you can do is support him. If he says he’s concerned that he won’t be accepted in a catholic school then you can support him in that. But if he doesn’t it’s not up to you to decide where he will and won’t be accepted. Fact is he may not be accepted in a non religious school. Homophobes aren’t all Christians, and not all Christians are homophobes.

mommybunny · 16/04/2021 19:34

@HeartsAndClubs

Totally agree with your post.

RomeWasBuiltInADay · 16/04/2021 19:57

I knew from primary 7 I was gay. I hid it for years because of family religion. A religious school would have made it so much harder. I have so many friends who went to catholic schools. So much damage done. Utter cruelty and a lifetime of undoing it all.

IsItSafeToBeOptimisticYet · 16/04/2021 20:26

My children's catholic high school spends a lot of time promoting diversity and are very active in supporting the kids to be who they are. Regardless of sexual preference. Nothing like when I was at school.

PlasticOrchid · 16/04/2021 20:33

I teach in a Catholic Primary and my daughters have moved on to the Catholic High School. Several of the teachers at the High School are openly gay and my sixth form daughter is in charge of the LBGTQ+ display board.

From my experience, your son will be fine.

Let's face it, if all Catholics believed in and obeyed 'the rules', there would be many more families of 13 children!

PlasticOrchid · 16/04/2021 20:35

Catholic schools have changed HUGELY in the last ten years or so. I would say that they are actually more understanding and inclusive than many other schools.

It certainly wasn't like that when I was at school in the 80s but times have changed.

Oblomov21 · 16/04/2021 20:36

Both my boys are at the local excellent catholic school. They are very easy going. No one cares if you are gay, bi, trans, whatever.

stealthmama · 16/04/2021 21:02

Being gay was definitely considered 'and act of abomination' in both the old and the New Testament. But the Catholic Church has had to lighten up an awful lot in recent years to be more accepting and to teach people to question what is right or wrong rather than dictate it.

I was catholic educated my whole life, I don't recall it being considered or taught as a bad thing, it was more that we were taught to accept that the history of the bible as a written document is complex, translations are varied, inter oration changes over time and we should question and understand all beliefs rather than judge.

Im a lapsed catholic now but I think the community element is key too to providing safe and trusting environment where sexuality is taught to be understood.

I would definitely still send him to the school.

SarahAndQuack · 16/04/2021 21:49

Being gay was definitely considered 'and act of abomination' in both the old and the New Testament.

No, it wasn't, though. They didn't have a concept of being gay, it's all about the kind of sex you have (which, for a young adolescent, is probably none at all).

ZenNudist · 16/04/2021 22:31

Agree with Pp that Catholic school likely to be kind. I don't think it would be an issue at all.

As for bullying that could go on anywhere

stealthmama · 16/04/2021 22:43

'Though shalt not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination'

Chapter 18; The Book of Levi and further in ch.20. Historically, translated (literal translation from Hebrew) and interpreted, to mean homosexual acts.

The written story of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah who were punished for their 'non procreative sexual acts' - so prevailing was the catholic belief that these were homosexual acts the word Sodomy became the legal term.

There are other verses around 'not coveting your neighbours wife', or certain family members depending on whether you are a man or a woman, married or not.

SarahAndQuack · 16/04/2021 22:51

The translation is much more controversial than that, though.

'Sodomy' wasn't a term that meant male-male anal penetration until relatively recently; until roughly 1500, 'sodomia' just meant the broad category of illicit sex, which could include a man having sex with his wife if she was on top.

But if we're categorising types of sex as worse or better, Thomas Aquinas is pretty clear. He specifically explains that sodomy is amongst those types of illicit sex that are worse than (say) adultery.

SarahAndQuack · 16/04/2021 22:52

(And, no, there is no translation from the Hebrew that gives 'homosexual acts'. Not even close.)

Original poster
Beebityboo · 16/04/2021 22:54

I didn't mean to start a theological debate. I also don't mean to imply that all catholics are homophobes because of course they aren't, and fair points about him being just as likely to get bullied at a secular school.
I'll leave it up to him and support him through anything that may happen.
It's really reassuring to hear how far things have come though judging by some of your posts.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 17/04/2021 02:49

My dd is at a Catholic school and is receiving amazing support she has come out to her counsellor and her student support teacher (she is being assessed for ASD atm.)

Justilou1 · 17/04/2021 02:50

*Also, we are not Catholic 😉

Nat6999 · 17/04/2021 03:48

My ds came out to me age 12, he said he had known from being 7 or 8 that he didn't fancy girls. He is 17 now, has loads of female friends & is out & proud. His friendship group are mainly LGBTQ+. He attended a Catholic primary school & had an awful time with bullying & being badly treated by the staff as we aren't Catholic & I had ended my marriage to be in a relationship with someone else.