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Original poster

Philosophical question

78 replies

DeepThinkingGirl · 15/04/2021 23:27

If someone bullied you , and stripped you of your basic rights when you were most vulnerable.

Let’s say, they starved you of food when you were under their care..

And then they became in a position of vulnerability and you had the key to help them.. let’s say that can’t get access to food without your continual support..

Would you do it ??

I’m in a similar position and it’s triggering so much ptsd in me. Part of me doesn’t wanna become them and take revenge.. basic rights are basic rights and tit for tat isn’t healthy despite being fair. . I just wish they could resolve their issues without my input as I don’t want to be reminded of their presence in my life.

But life is sooo shocking in that it sent them back to my doorstep and there is no other way for them to be helped without my input to save them..

Except I’ve spent the last couple of years praying for karma to hit them back

OP posts:
Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 16/04/2021 18:50

MrsTerryPratchett

He is too busy getting manipulated.

OP posts:
EscapeDragon · 16/04/2021 19:13

It has dawned on her that at the moment she is their target, and I suspect that she is desperate to divert their attention elsewhere.

Don't let it be you.

Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 16/04/2021 20:36

That’s my fear and it’s giving me serious anxiety issues EscapeDragon because I can’t articulate that without sounding delusional

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/04/2021 20:38

@DeepThinkingGirl

That’s my fear and it’s giving me serious anxiety issues EscapeDragon because I can’t articulate that without sounding delusional
It's not delusional though OP. Based on previous behaviour it's an entirely possible outcome. And one you do not have any responsibility to invite into your life. Please don't give any more of yourself than you can afford to lose. Financially, emotionally, physically. In any sense.
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2021 20:46

If it's your partner's parents and your partner's sister then it's your partner's crap to sort out.

Stay well out of it. They will all ultimately side with each other.

Trixie78 · 16/04/2021 20:51

No I wouldn't help them. Maybe when I was younger I would have but now I'm older and wiser I've realised I don't owe anyone who has hurt me anything.

Trixie78 · 16/04/2021 20:57

suddenly appear in my life begging me to forgive them because now they need me..

There you go, they're only back because THEY NEED YOU! Well when you needed help they weren't there. They didn't care about you before and they don't now. If they didn't need you, you'd never have heard from them again. Stop thinking about their needs, what of worth would this person bring to YOUR life now? Likely nothing so don't feel guilty, say no, close the door and carry on with your life. Life is just too short to waste on people who don't deserve you. They're really not your problem xx

BBQcentral · 16/04/2021 20:58

Don't go near it with a barge pole. If you feel like you need permission to walk away, then I'll give it to you freely. Your gut knows what's right for you so listen to it and remind yourself that this is not your problem.

Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 16/04/2021 21:12

If it's your partner's parents and your partner's sister then it's your partner's crap to sort out

Stay well out of it. They will all ultimately side with each other.

I wish I stood my grounds.. this was what I had been stating for years and it’s saved our relationship.. DH insisted during the appology session that this was between them and him and to take me out of the equation..

But she insisted to shift the focus and that she has hurt me and that hurting me was really sad for her and that she needs me to explain how I felt.. she insisted and insisted... I kept redirecting to DH but eventually I let myself fall for it and believe it..

I’m so so sad that I ended up allowing myself to be the focus of this “resolution”. I did direct it back to DH and tell her that she needs to focus on her brother and that he is the real deal..

But I gave her all my vulnerable info about how she made me feel and now I feel she will use that to twist a narrative and use it all against me

I should’ve kept my personal space and privacy under my control.. I don’t know why I give in to pressure..

OP posts:
Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 16/04/2021 21:15

I could honestly cry from regret.. I did not stick to my own boundary

And a huge part of the issue is that I don’t honour or respect my own boundaries..

I easily give in to emotions..

I should’ve even respected the agreement I had with DH to not let his family make this about me.. we had an agreement before she came wanting to talk to me.. I don’t know why I let him and myself down because for a split moment I believed her and wanted it all to work

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 16/04/2021 21:31

It's because you're a nice person, you want to see good in people, this is not a bad thing, but you do now need to put your boundaries up again, it's never too late to say stop, no, I don't want to be involved.

Eekay · 16/04/2021 21:52

You haven't let yourself down. You've really had a number done on you.
Maybe access counselling, specifically around breaking free of the FOG.

DustyMaiden · 16/04/2021 21:55

I am me, I am compassionate, I won’t be reduced by their behaviour. I would be the better person and keep my integrity.

AIMD · 16/04/2021 21:58

Good lord no. She can sort herself out.

You and your partner can draft up a message to her telling her in clear blunt language that you cannot help her and do not wish to communicate with her.

I really thing that allow someone like this into your life is blurring the lines and they will manipulate and take advantage - give an inch take a mile type thing. Best to withdraw from her completely if you don’t feel you can be assertive with her

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/04/2021 22:39

Step away and, if SIL asks for an explanation just say “you reap what you sow.”

You don’t owe this woman anything.

BBQcentral · 17/04/2021 16:58

Today is the day before tomorrow. You can rebuild your boundary wall again.Flowers

HarrietHardy · 17/04/2021 17:41

You've had a minor and temporary breach of your fortifications.

Regroup and retrench.

You have the element of surprise here.

Look at it as a positive, not a retreat.

goldielockdown2 · 17/04/2021 17:57

I would choose not to engage with this person and just cut them out of my life and mind so they are no longer in my thoughts. Just step away. You can.

Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 17/04/2021 22:10

So they clarified and seemed to be convinced that they have a character issue/personality disorder where they don’t realise they’re doing mean things because they’re incapable of understanding the impact they have on other peoples emotions.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2021 23:47

@DeepThinkingGirl

So they clarified and seemed to be convinced that they have a character issue/personality disorder where they don’t realise they’re doing mean things because they’re incapable of understanding the impact they have on other peoples emotions.
It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. The effect on you is the same so the advice remains the same. Avoid, block, rebuild boundaries. And avoid some more.

And stop blaming yourself. You're a nice, trusting person. As flaws go, it's the best one to have.

BBQcentral · 18/04/2021 06:45

It sounds conniving, like they're laying the foundations to behave however they want, throw you under the bus and then throw their hands in the air saying "but I can't heeelp it so youll have to put up with however I behave to you." Reembrave the distance.Flowers

Robin233 · 18/04/2021 09:43

@BBQcentral
As above.

Imagine you're protecting a young child from the local bully ( who keeps coming round asking to play - but is also mean)

'No , deep thinking can't play today. '
No deep thinking is too busy to play'

'No deep thinking is on a sabbatical'

Rinse and repeat.
Eventually once you stop interacting they get fed up - and go off and bother someone else.

Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 18/04/2021 09:57

And stop blaming yourself. You're a nice, trusting person. As flaws go, it's the best one to have.

I was very angry with myself for this flaw.. I do have that flaw. You’re right.. and I guess I need to learn to be kind to myself and yes I’d rather this flaw than another one where I leave a trail of people suffering emotionally because of me.

BBQcentral you are right. This is exactly what she said. “I will continue to make mistakes but you need to get better at communicating with me”. The responsibility is totally on me to set basic standards of morals in the relationship. Consistently.

Robin233
Good idea. I think I need to grey rock because I do want a very low profile until I’m sure I can see the dynamic have changed and that I’m no longer going to be anyone’s scapegoat. Right now I can only go by what I know what I’ve been promised or told.

OP posts:
goldielockdown2 · 18/04/2021 10:00

Repeating myself here, but just block. You're giving this person a hell of a lot of time and headspace but there's no reason to. You don't owe them anything. Just cut her off. Seriously. Unless you're getting something from all this. Is it subconsciously feeding into a need you have? This could be examined with a counsellor but you still don't need to engage with the woman through the process.

Happylittlethoughts · 18/04/2021 10:05

Firstly, theres no such thing as Karma. If someone has been cruel to you to such an extent then you have absolutely no obligation to them.
Their motivation to seek you out is not based on any positive feelings towards you. It is based on them meeting their own needs and they are looking for someone who they can take from. Like parasites.
Refuse and dont feel guilty.