Philosophical question

[DeepThinkingGirl]

If someone bullied you , and stripped you of your basic rights when you were most vulnerable.

Let’s say, they starved you of food when you were under their care..

And then they became in a position of vulnerability and you had the key to help them.. let’s say that can’t get access to food without your continual support..

Would you do it ??

I’m in a similar position and it’s triggering so much ptsd in me. Part of me doesn’t wanna become them and take revenge.. basic rights are basic rights and tit for tat isn’t healthy despite being fair. . I just wish they could resolve their issues without my input as I don’t want to be reminded of their presence in my life.

But life is sooo shocking in that it sent them back to my doorstep and there is no other way for them to be helped without my input to save them..

Except I’ve spent the last couple of years praying for karma to hit them back

No I would not bully them, but I wouldn't take on their care and I would be somewhat honest if asked why.

@DeepThinkingGirl

I do think I’m being manipulated and I’m very upset at myself for not knowing what to do for myself and being so conflicted

Think forward to what the likely outcome is going to be.

They wont have changed and you will be manipulated again
Harbouring feelings of revenge shows that you havent really dealt with this issue so a firm no, block contact and seeking counselling is the way forward.

I think I'd make sure they could get the help needed but not give it myself.

I think this might be a good way to get rid of the sense of obligation I’m feeling. I think I’m going to be honest with them and say that I wish them happiness and all the best but that I think they can get support from somewhere else like so and so..

I think I feel so guilty saying that and turning them away but I think i better give them very little hope to set a low bar of expectations that way I won’t have to feel like the bad guy whenever something bad happened to them and I constantly reject their begging

I feel so guilty saying that and turning them away but I think i better give them very little hope to set a low bar of expectations that way I won’t have to feel like the bad guy whenever something bad happened to them and I constantly reject their begging
Do you think they felt guilty?
No
This is classic FOG
Please look it up.
They are playing you

Do you think they felt guilty?

Apparently they feel guilty about it now but can’t remember anything but they know I’m a kind person and that if I’m hurt it must be true because they used to be “unintentionally” mean but that they always loved me and did have my best interest at heart

I have read about FOG and I wonder what makes me vulnerable to it more than others. Because this isn’t the first time I was manipulated towards my own misery

@DeepThinkingGirl

Do you think they felt guilty?

Apparently they feel guilty about it now but can’t remember anything but they know I’m a kind person and that if I’m hurt it must be true because they used to be “unintentionally” mean but that they always loved me and did have my best interest at heart

So what they are saying is that they are only acknowledging the issue because you say it happened and were upset by it. They aren't really admitting that they were at fault at all, are they?

How manipulative.

Tell them to jog on.

Don't be taken in by them. If they don't remember it's because they choose not to. They need help and think they can make you provide it. But providing it will affect your mental health, so you mustn't do it.

Suggest people who can help and then switch off completely.

So what they are saying is that they are only acknowledging the issue because you say it happened and were upset by it. They aren't really admitting that they were at fault at all, are they?

Yes. That’s exactly what they did. Leaving me doubting my own self

So what happened is that after I went no contact with them

They went on slandering me to everyone I know and very craftily isolating me from my entire support network (which isn’t as close to them).. snd for a long time I was completely isolated and had to rebuilt my life from scratch..

I couldn’t defend my reputation.. I could only duck down and rebuild my self esteem . But over the years this person kept falling out with people and it came out that they’re a difficult person and without me defending myself it was obvious that their narrative is questionable..

Too late for those that took sides though as that’s a period of my life I can never get back and I was a new mother then and I was having to deal with the isolation and rejection at the most vulnerable time in my life.

Now said person, doesn’t have the audience necessary.. because they are indeed outnumbered by the individual cases of people seeing their major character flaws and their interactions and wanting nothing to do with them.

So they came to me sayinf that now they know what I said must be true because I wasn’t the only one saying it.. and that they don’t remember anything from what they did to me but they are better people now and want to change and that they need my forgiveness .

I asked them outright whether they were doing this expecting something from me and they said no. But after a day they asked for favors

asked them outright whether they were doing this expecting something from me and they said no. But after a day they asked for favors

Well you have your answer right there.
Dont be sucked back in and manipulated.

@DeepThinkingGirl

Do you think they felt guilty?

Apparently they feel guilty about it now but can’t remember anything but they know I’m a kind person and that if I’m hurt it must be true because they used to be “unintentionally” mean but that they always loved me and did have my best interest at heart

Ah the old "sorry if you felt that I..." trick. Politicians and other public figures use it regularly to get around tricky questions - a way of using the word sorry without accepting accountability. Aka being an arsehole. Sorry for whatever you went through, please don't feel obligated to help someone who was awful to you for a sustained period of time and even recruited others to think badly of you too. Their faux olive branch at a time they want you to help means very little if there's something in it for them. You sound kind and empathetic. That doesn't mean you have to do something that would damage your mental health by seeing you face a former abuser / bully just because they want your help. It's ok to put yourself first

It’s ok to have boundaries. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means that you know what you are and aren’t prepared to put up with in your life. I doubt very much you’re the only person who can help them. And if you are, and they’ve burnt bridges elsewhere, then that really isn’t your problem. Remember you can have boundaries.

Don't treat someone as bad as you think they are, treat them as good as you are.

That's a tough situation.

The statelyhomes thread on relationships board could be very helpful for you

So the person I’m talking about was a “flying monkey” to the real abuser. They kind of were manipulated by them to do what they did. That’s why no recollection. (Think younger sister).

I should probably redirect my anger at the actual abuser..

It’s actually my in laws. But the person in question is my younger sister in law who did all their nasty work. And now she needs our help because she is the target.. and is feeling lonely and isolated.

It’s actually my in laws. But the person in question is my younger sister in law who did all their nasty work. And now she needs our help because she is the target.. and is feeling lonely and isolated

This makes it a bit more complicated. Because, while she was undoubtedly nasty to you, she would also have come under their influence. There will have been a nasty family dynamic there.

You need to figure out what you're comfortable doing. If it's nothing - do nothing! Don't let her guilt you into maintaining a relationship with you.

@SwanShaped

It’s ok to have boundaries. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means that you know what you are and aren’t prepared to put up with in your life. I doubt very much you’re the only person who can help them. And if you are, and they’ve burnt bridges elsewhere, then that really isn’t your problem. Remember you can have boundaries.
^^^^
This.
Sounds like if you give them an inch they take a yard.

Please protect yourself.
Sounds like you've worked so hard to be the strong kind person you have become. I can so relate.
I also forget how far I've come.
I believe what goes around comes around.
Take a 'moment' to gloat privately and move on swiftly with.
' I have moved on with my life. I forgave you a long time ago. I wish you all the best but I won't be part of your life. '
Then carry on enjoying your life.

@DeepThinkingGirl

It’s actually my in laws. But the person in question is my younger sister in law who did all their nasty work. And now she needs our help because she is the target.. and is feeling lonely and isolated

^^^
This does can of change things.

Once out of the influence of the abuser people can change.
But be in your guard.
Depends what she wants you to do.
Help her if it's no bother but for now it maybe best to keep at arms length.

It really depends on whether you have fully come to terms with the treatment/abuse you endured. If you haven't (as posting on a forum suggests) then this has potential to be a dangerous situation for you.
If you are sure that you can rise above it then you could afford to be the bigger person and show them how humans are supposed to treat one another.

What is it she wants you to do?

It really depends on whether you have fully come to terms with the treatment/abuse you endured. If you haven't (as posting on a forum suggests) then this has potential to be a dangerous situation for you.

The situation had such a huge impact on my mental health. Panick attacks and night terrors and heart aches for a long period of time.. during a period of time that was my most vulnerable as I was a new mother..

I really struggled to recover. I have been attending therapy and only recently managed to attempt moving forward.. I’m taking baby steps. This all feels too pressurising for me I’m genuinely worried for my mental health and recovery journey.

She will throw you under the bus to stop being in the position shes in. Are you ready and happy to resume the role that they will see as your rightful one?

Where's your partner in all this?

BBQcentral

Absolutely this. You nailed it. That’s my absolute gut feeling.