Told to respect someone who screamed at me

[Wouldgivetwostars]

I’m going to be vague with details.

I was bawled out by a consultant (male). His manager (male) told me I should be more respectful of his station and stress level and pretty much bow and scrape to him to prevent it happening again. His words were “as a woman, Consultant feels you don’t respect him enough”

As a woman.

I was so struck dumb I didn’t know what to say and now I’m kicking myself.

I’ve documented and my line manager is aware. I won’t be in a room with him on my own anymore, he came into my office the other day and I said “good afternoon”, he literally looked at me and completely blanked me.

I want this person gone and do have some say in this (we are peers level wise). I’m dreading my next run in with him

Senior management - not clinical

I don’t work in the NHS any more , but I know that it’s incredibly difficult to sack medical staff. I doubt the consultant is going anywhere soon.

In a round about way I was told to STFU twice at work! Not to raise issues as they make the person look incapable. I raise issues because of their incompetence. Nothing that a ‘let’s see how you can handle x situation better if it comes up again’.. but nope I’m the bad person for seeing they’re crap. I fucking hate the section I work in. Can’t wait to transfer in a month

Don't let the "as a woman" thing go. Please keep going!

What a tosser! As a woman! Sheer sexism, guaranteed he wouldn’t dream of speaking to a guy like this. Disgraceful!

Wtf? Respect is a two way street! One for reporting to HR.

And absolutely highlight the 'as a woman' remark. I'm angry for you!!

Anticipate his trigger points (basically any stress) and work to eliminate them

As others have said this is definitely his responsibility and not yours. Your response sounds spot on OP, well done.

I was expected to ‘manage’ my toxic manager’s behaviour in a previous role. After a year I broke down and had to be signed off with stress. Luckily, you’ve already realised that his behaviour is his problem and not yours. There’s nothing you can do to change it.

@LawnFever

Alot of these answers are not by people who work in the NHS and don't understand the military like hierarchical structure and nuances

I don’t work in the NHS but seriously are members of staff expected to tolerate being screamed at because someone is in a more senior position? That’s utterly unacceptable, glad I don’t work in a culture where excuses are made for this type of behaviour

I don't work in the NHS either but I definitely understand hierarchy at work (Irish civil service).

There is a code of conduct which in theory we all must adhere to. It's about 65 pages long.

I'd be surprised if the NHS doesn't have a long document which sets out how (in theory) employees must behave.

It might be useful.

Sorry @LawnFever, i meant to quote @Frazzle76

Hierarchies are not uncommon but most workplaces will have had their employees sign a code of conduct when they start work or their contract. I know I had to sign a code of conduct. The language mightn't be as straightforward as ''no shouting'' but it'd be in there.

or perhaps the doctors do not have to sign it?! @Frazzle76

As @Stratfordplace said, what's the context here?

Also do not record conversations on Trust premises like a previous poster advises. That is gross misconduct.
I think context is all here.
You've had a 3rd hand discussion with this person's LM; you haven't heard the "woman" comment from the horse's mouth.
Context to this incident is all.
Finally, you don't sound very nice yourself with the comment "I want him gone". Bear in mind that in hospitals, clinical staff are hard to replace but managerial staff aren't.

I want this person gone and do have some say in this (we are peers level wise)

Can the OP or someone in the NHS explain this to me? If the shouting person is a consultant, what other roles are considered their peers level-wise? It is only other consultants?

Document, document, document. Send accounts to HR and CC in you manager / next one up the chain. Speak to a rep if you can. Ask colleagues if they have similar experiences they are willing to share.

I don't work in the NHS but I believe there is a common pay spine, so everybody who works in the NHS, whatever their job, will have a pay grade - called a Band, I think. A senior manager in a Trust would therefore often be on the same Band as a consultant or a very senior nurse or psychologist. I hope I've got that right.

I also hope that the pp who said it's easier to replace a manager than a consultant and therefore the consultant will likely get away with atrocious behaviour towards colleagues, is wrong.

@Wouldgivetwostars

I need to work on my “people skills”, he needs me to be more respectful. Sorry but as soon as someone starts screaming at me my people skills go out of the window.

I didn’t even respond in kind, waited for him to stop and said “I’m going to leave the room now, you’re screaming at me and I’m not prepared to put up with that, please come back when you’ve calmed down”. That was the sum total of my response.

Sounds like he got hit right in the ego by your disciplined approach to his wildly inappropriate tantrum. HR

Oh I remember working with consultants (ex Senior Manager), the Orthopaedic surgeons were the absolute worst!

Document everything and send it to HR and your manager. Exactly who did what, said what, including the 'as a woman' comment which is sheer sexism (from either him, his manager or both). As sex is a protected characteristic you have a lot of leverage here. You haven't got that bit in writing have you? That would make it much easier.

Difficult to replace is no argument for tolerating unacceptable behaviour.

@Wouldgivetwostars

Some suggestions of how I can be more respectful

• Anticipate his trigger points (basically any stress) and work to eliminate them
• Greet him politely and ask how he is
• Accept that he has a very stressful job and give him leeway

I work with a number of consultants and not one of them has ever spoken to me like this or demanded “respect”.

No

Get to HR. Imagine what he does to others with less power

Par for the course unfortunately in the NHS.
They have so many equality courses and rules which are ignored by anyone who cares to.
Lip service is the sum of NHS management.

Escalate immediately. Although if he is a consultant he will probably get away with it.

@Babygotblueyes

Escalate immediately. Although if he is a consultant he will probably get away with it.

It's good to have these things on record even if nothing happens (immediately) because later, you're always asked why you didn't report it, and your not reporting it is taken as evidence that you made it up. Sorry but when you're dealing with narcissists you have to not be cowed. They want you to be terrified of them.