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Original poster

Told to respect someone who screamed at me

78 replies

Wouldgivetwostars · 11/04/2021 09:03

I’m going to be vague with details.

I was bawled out by a consultant (male). His manager (male) told me I should be more respectful of his station and stress level and pretty much bow and scrape to him to prevent it happening again. His words were “as a woman, Consultant feels you don’t respect him enough”

As a woman.

I was so struck dumb I didn’t know what to say and now I’m kicking myself.

I’ve documented and my line manager is aware. I won’t be in a room with him on my own anymore, he came into my office the other day and I said “good afternoon”, he literally looked at me and completely blanked me.

I want this person gone and do have some say in this (we are peers level wise). I’m dreading my next run in with him

OP posts:
Whythesadface · 11/04/2021 09:43

If your allowed a phone, record your conversations, tell him your doing it, and watch him suddenly behave.

KatherineJaneway · 11/04/2021 09:45

Wo screams at people in a professional working environment, except maybe Malcolm Tucker?

Lots of people, they get away with it because they are protected by management. You complain and then you are moved or found to be the 'problem'.

Nith · 11/04/2021 09:49

Anticipate his trigger points (basically any stress) and work to eliminate them

If he has trigger points then it is 100% his responsibility to eliminate them. That is what he is paid for. If he can't do it and as a result ends up screaming at people, he is in the wrong job.

Musicalmistress · 11/04/2021 09:52

@MrsMoastyToasty

Tell them that respect is earned. It is not a god given right.
Exactly this!
midsomermurderess · 11/04/2021 09:52

Have never encountered it, or heard of it. I have encountered bad behaviour, but never screaming in people's faces.

MaMaD1990 · 11/04/2021 09:53

You dealt with that perfectly. If you want to take it further or if something like this happens again, as a constant he will have to undergo annual professional appraisals in order to retain his licence to practise. I would be requesting to have input on his 360 feedback and he will have to discuss this with his appraiser, reflect on his behaviour and how it can be improved which will feed into his PDP for the following year. At least this way he needs to explain himself. I'd also be making a complaint to HR and keep your line manager in the loop.

HermitsLife · 11/04/2021 10:00

@Wouldgivetwostars

Some suggestions of how I can be more respectful
  • Anticipate his trigger points (basically any stress) and work to eliminate them
  • Greet him politely and ask how he is
  • Accept that he has a very stressful job and give him leeway

I work with a number of consultants and not one of them has ever spoken to me like this or demanded “respect”.

Sounds like he's been employed above his capabilities, and his manager sounds like an idiot, they shuld have nipped this in the bud long ago.

We all have to deal with stress in out jobs, but its our responsibility to manage it and not take in out on our colleagues. Make your manager and if possible HR aware, I'm sure you're not the only one who's had this kind of run in with him.

I wonder if hes married or has kids, they must have a really rough time with him.

ImAlrightThanx · 11/04/2021 10:03

@midsomermurderess

Wo screams at people in a professional working environment, except maybe Malcolm Tucker?
IME, loads of people. Or they may not scream, but they may just have shitty attitudes and behaviours that get ignored for a long time. Most people don't want to make waves and report, though.
mooonstone · 11/04/2021 10:03

“As a woman?”

Textbook sex discrimination

Notoriouslynotnotious · 11/04/2021 10:03

I would be saying to manager outright “are you suggesting the way to deal with abusive/bullying behaviour is to submit to it?” Because essentially that is what he did telling you to do.

It is always when you dilly dally around abusive people and their enablers where the problems arise. For every abusive bully out there, there are 50 people happy that it is happening to you and not them and your manager is one of those 50 people who wants to not be facing off to a bully. Go over his head.

Pyewackect · 11/04/2021 10:04

@ChillySunnyChilly

Speak to a lawyer?
.... because you got shouted at ?. You’d have to develop a thicker skin than that if you trained for a medical qualification !.
Throwntothewolves · 11/04/2021 10:05

Different industry but someone I know who worked in a school told stories of some teachers who would behave like this, demanding respect from those they deemed 'beneath' them, when they were anything but respectful toward others. One literally demanded my friend scrape dog shit off a (secondary aged) pupil's shoe once! My friend laughed, because how could that be anything other than a joke, which enraged said teacher. The situation was escalated to the Head who returned the shit covered shoe to the teacher in their classroom mid lesson.

Howshouldibehave · 11/04/2021 10:06

I want this person gone and do have some say in this (we are peers level wise)

You want him sacked?

Are you also a consultant?

murbblurb · 11/04/2021 10:09

In my experience of the working world, the Teflon coated types are having sex with their boss, in the same masonic lodge or similar reasons. They never change and you just have to wait for someone higher to decide that action needs to be taken. No reason not to try to push that of course.

Respect has to be earned and maintained. And ' as a woman'???? Do you work in the 1950s?

Iheartbed · 11/04/2021 10:10

Document and report
Gone are the days where consultants, and indeed other staff members are allowed to behave like this. Totally unacceptable.

In my trust the lead nurse in my dept got sacked because of her utterly shocking behaviour towards junior staff

IsAnybodyListening · 11/04/2021 10:11

As a woman?

Just reading your OP has got me all twitchy!

Sorry OP. I would have gone nuclear right there and then. Go to your boss, HR, whoever you need to. If you don't stand up for yourself men like that jut repeat the behaviour.

midsomermurderess · 11/04/2021 10:13

I am talking about screaming in people's faces. Not other behaviour. It would have to be a highly dysfunctional work place for that to be entertained, and this sounds like a hospital. How would such out of control unprofessional behaviour be countenanced? If it is a metaphor for bad behaviour, so be it.

wheresmymojo · 11/04/2021 10:16

Egomaniacal twats. Record, record, record.

If you're not doing anything wrong then carry on exactly as you are.

Frazzle76 · 11/04/2021 10:16

Alot of these answers are not by people who work in the NHS and don't understand the military like hierarchical structure and nuances.
If you are a peer I presume you are also a consultant?
Because if you are a peer at the same level but under nursing management then no, he won't respect that.
Was he also a surgeon?
And why are you expected to eliminate his stressor? This suggests you arnt seen as at his level clinically? Or are in management?

Ultimately you need to keep any complaints in small circle and confidential until you know the lay of the land. Otherwise you are putting yourself at risk. It's not the way it should be but it is the way it is. I would discreetly start finding out what his behaviour is like to others (particularly juniors, assistants and managers) and document everything. Every interaction send a follow up email 'just to round up everything we discussed and make sure the plan is correct '
Also make sure you know where your line managers allegiance lies and what type of leader they are: will they rock the boat?

My preferred tactic is to not give a shit what my peers think of me - I treat them exactly the way they treat me. However they need me more than I need them so it's a different.

Good luck and have a look at some intranet support programmes so you don't feel so isolated. (There's lots in leadership and management courses to help with these situations )

Frazzle76 · 11/04/2021 10:20

(Sorry paragraphs have disappeared)
And do you heck need to 'respect' him. You just need to appear like you do.

wheresmymojo · 11/04/2021 10:21

@midsomermurderess

Have never encountered it, or heard of it. I have encountered bad behaviour, but never screaming in people's faces.

I've just left a career in the City.

Partly because of this kind of behaviour which is tolerated far too much.

Screaming in people's faces. Screaming on emails (red font, point 40). Banging on desks.

I've seen someone kick someone else in a meeting (and I don't mean a 'nudge', it was a proper, nasty kick).

SelkieBeag · 11/04/2021 10:27
  • Anticipate his trigger points (basically any stress) and work to eliminate them (translation, walk on eggshells around him)
LawnFever · 11/04/2021 10:46

Alot of these answers are not by people who work in the NHS and don't understand the military like hierarchical structure and nuances

I don’t work in the NHS but seriously are members of staff expected to tolerate being screamed at because someone is in a more senior position? That’s utterly unacceptable, glad I don’t work in a culture where excuses are made for this type of behaviour

peak2021 · 11/04/2021 10:46

I would be worried were I to be receiving medical treatment from someone such as the consultant concerned.

Seek advice from HR.

KatherineJaneway · 11/04/2021 10:49

Have never encountered it, or heard of it. I have encountered bad behaviour, but never screaming in people's faces.

Lucky you. I can tell you it does happen.