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Original poster

How do you discuss secondary education choices with other parents without pissing people off?

67 replies

KindergartenKop · 07/04/2021 11:45

My DC is in year 4 and obviously we are starting to consider secondary schools, as are the parents of DCs friends. There are lots of choices around here, a couple of comprehensives (70% ish of kids tend to go to one of these), a few grammar schools and a few private schools.

I personally don't want a discussion about where I want DC to go, it's nobody else's business, but other parents are starting to discuss it. What do I say if someone brings it up? If I'm not planning on sending DC to the comprehensive, I feel like I should say why, but I don't know how to approach this without criticising it. Please help with this basic conversational skill!

OP posts:
MyGoMargot · 07/04/2021 11:46

I think year 4 is quite early to be thinking of secondary schools

So you could say that?

RandomMess · 07/04/2021 11:47

"Not really thought about it yet"

Then nearer the time "not decided yet"

Seeline · 07/04/2021 11:49

Oh God - it's a nightmare in that sort of set up!

I just used to say we hadn't really started to think about it at that stage.

Later on, I think we used to say we were considering a number of options, but hadn't really decided which would be best for DC.

Interested in this thread?

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LolaSmiles · 07/04/2021 11:49

My gut instinct is that the parents who are wanting to start this discussion in Year 4 are likely to be highly competitive and probably trying to scout out what the competition will be like for any entry exams or 11+ exams. It wouldn't surprise me if they're trying to find out who is starting tutoring, who the best tutors are etc but I am quite cynical.

Could you not say it's a bit early and you'll make the choice based on what's best for your child at the time?

Champagneandmonstermunch · 07/04/2021 11:49

Why would it piss anyone off? Presumably you have reasons for choosing the schools you are thinking of, so just say that. I can't imagine any reasonable person getting annoyed by you choosing something different to them.

MissyB1 · 07/04/2021 11:50

Just say “we haven’t really got a clue yet”. I knew parents who were still saying that half way through year 6 - obviously untrue by that point! Grin

MissyB1 · 07/04/2021 11:51

I’ve got to say though I was totally upfront and honest when people asked me, I didn’t care about their opinions.

AfternoonToffee · 07/04/2021 11:54

I tried to not say anything, but I would only ever say why I liked that particular school rather than saying the other school is a dump what I didn't like about the other one.

Original poster
KindergartenKop · 07/04/2021 11:58

I might tell them he's going to Hogwarts and deflect.

OP posts:
CrazyNeighbour · 07/04/2021 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catatecheese · 07/04/2021 12:05

More difficult if a grammar arena I would guess. We don't have grammar schools here Grin. So the conversation was absolutely fine and revolved around if they could get into certain catchment area schools. The final answer was no we all ended up with our catchment schools apart from the odd sibling link. 2 went private both children had SEN so again no issues and open discussion. So glad I'm not in a grammar area must be a nightmare and what if your child failed? is that some sort of parental failure?
I agree with above poster go with waiting for a Hogwarts owl in the summer holidays!

AnneofScreamFables · 07/04/2021 12:12

I would be led by the other person:

Them - 'What schools are you thinking about?'
You 'Well I know I should start but I feel it is really early stages - what about you?'

A: I am thinking about so and so school - you answer 'Oooh I will have a look at that one - what do you like about it'
B: I am really worried we will get X and I don't want that one - you answer 'I don't really know that one that well'
C:We have started private tutoring for Y - you answer 'Good luck - I feel the next few years are going to be really stressful'

Etc.

Original poster
KindergartenKop · 07/04/2021 12:53

Thanks, some good advice here. I think it's actually made worse by a few friends with Y5 kids, so they're thinking about it all more seriously but also asking me questions!

Hogwarts it is.

OP posts:
DustCentral · 07/04/2021 13:00

I get you OP. We live in an area with quite a lot of secondaries and people get weirdly offended when you say you’re choosing different to them. It’s an odd playground mentality.

I just used to say I’d no clue and I’d just let DD decide wherever she wanted. Used to make the competitive controlling parents chins drop Grin which I enjoyed.

steppemum · 07/04/2021 13:02

well, we are in an area with a crap local school, so there was a lot of discussion as parents thought about where their kids coudl go.
Mine all quietly did the 11+ and then travelled to school.
So it was a difficult conversation, especially as 50% ended up going to the crap local comp.

So, I took a careful line, which went something like this
-all kids and school sare different and it is important to find a school that works for YOUR child, what works for one won't work for another.
-visit as many school sas you can and see if the things YOUR CHILD needs are there, eg football club/good music provision/academic high flyer

that way I avoided saying anything negative.
Some parents asked me stuff as they know I was a teacher, and I made suggestion for things they could look for or ask (SEN provision for example) again without commenting on the school.

onemouseplace · 07/04/2021 13:05

It's really awkward. I've gone down the line of saying that different schools suit different children (helped by having more than one DC myself) and we're all just trying to find the best school for each child.

And tried to judge the mood - I'm very factual and matter of fact about our choice to send DC1 private in my closest group of local friends as one of them is very, very vocally anti-private education. I'm not opening it up as a matter for discussion with them.

itsgettingwierd · 07/04/2021 13:06

I don't get why it all has to be so secretive.

"We are looking at x and y schools as preferences but also considering a and b. We have time yet to see which will suit ds best nearer the time"

You don't need to say "only x and y because school c and d are shit hole comps I won't be sending ds to whatever happens"

SE13Mummy · 07/04/2021 13:08

We're past that stage now but also live in an area where there are comprehensives, easy journeys to grammar schools and a selection of independent schools. Talking about school choices doesn't have to be an issue and it's completely possible to join in with a general conversation about the topic without others taking offence... although slagging off the school someone wants their child to go to isn't going to be a winning strategy!

For us, the one thing we were sure about was that we would only consider schools that had sixth forms. That doesn't narrow it down hugely around here but excludes a couple of local schools. We wanted the schools to have sixth forms because they tend to attract subject specialist teachers in a way that 11-16 schools don't so much. We also discounted any all boys schools because we don't have boys. There's never been any drama about it and we were always open about visiting a range of schools. Ultimately, there are X number of schools and X places. It's unlikely that parent A has discovered a school that no other parent has heard of and so by mentioning it in conversation, parent A's child is less likely to get in. Disengaging from all conversation about it may result in missing out on different perspectives or information about a school.

FullLaundryBasket · 07/04/2021 13:09

“It’s a very personal choice, isn’t it? I’m not sure what we will decide. Have you seen the new line of duty yet? I’m just starting episode 1 tonight.”

twilightcafe · 07/04/2021 13:11

Where I live, there are a couple of state schools that everyone wants, two crap ones, £££ private, and grammar schools 20 miles away.

In my experience, parents who are asking that before Year 4 (after that is a bit late, in my opinion) want to pump you for info, while holding their cards close to their chests.

I was always deliberately vague, and said something like 'we put the local schools in order of preference'.

If pressed, I said that my policy was that other families' educational plans were none of my business, and my plans were none of theirs. especially if there were nosey parkers who never usually gave me the time of day

Laeta · 07/04/2021 13:11

Fucking grammar school areas!! Hate them! It's huge thing here where I live in the 'Shires.

It's talked about from Reception, kids start getting tutored from Year 3/4. Poor fuckers.

If I was in charge first thing I'd do is get rid of them. Anyway OP not a fuck do you care about my opinions, so I'd do what PPs suggest and deflect.

However if you are going down the Grammer School route, everybody will know as soon as you hire a private tutor. Then you will be judged ;)

FlatterNow · 07/04/2021 13:12

Can you just say you're really looking forward to the open days in year five as you're sure they've all got great things going for them in different ways? Which is absolutely true, in my experience.

Dentistlakes · 07/04/2021 13:13

My advice is don’t! Your choices will always piss someone off, it’s best just to keep your thoughts to yourself. What matters is you do what you think is best for your child. There’a no reason to discuss your choices with other parents.

Lindy2 · 07/04/2021 13:13

Why does it need to be so secretive?

Everyone is making choices from the same options so any choice you make is hardly going to be a massive surprise is it?

Just chat like normal people.

thelegohooverer · 07/04/2021 13:15

Oh no, I’m that parent. I don’t know the area we’re living in particularly well whereas some of the parents at the dc’s school went there themselves. Lots have older dc in schools too. I’m just interested in their opinions and experiences.

I’d hate anyone to feel defensive. But there’s so much info that you can’t get from websites and open days.

Schools where I am take hefty deposits 3 years in advance so it might not be as early as you think.

Instead of saying why you don’t like the comprehensive, just say what you do like about the school you’re thinking of.