How do you discuss secondary education choices with other parents without pissing people off?

[KindergartenKop]

My DC is in year 4 and obviously we are starting to consider secondary schools, as are the parents of DCs friends. There are lots of choices around here, a couple of comprehensives (70% ish of kids tend to go to one of these), a few grammar schools and a few private schools.

I personally don't want a discussion about where I want DC to go, it's nobody else's business, but other parents are starting to discuss it. What do I say if someone brings it up? If I'm not planning on sending DC to the comprehensive, I feel like I should say why, but I don't know how to approach this without criticising it. Please help with this basic conversational skill!

You might be overthinking this a bit, OP. My dd goes to a state comp, but quite a few of her primary school friends went to independent schools. (No state grammars in our area, thankfully.) I wasn't remotely offended by their parents' decisions just because they were different from my own. I had considered the private options myself, but had concluded that they weren't worth the investment because I was confident that dd would do just as well at the comp. If other parents reached different conclusions about the best environment for their child, then that didn't bother me in the slightest.

Just say that you're considering the grammar or the independent school or whatever, and trust that the other parents will be looking at the most suitable options for their own children. You don't need to apologise for your choices, we all do what we think is best for our kids.

I took it into consideration up to a point.
But my 10 year-old wasn't best placed to make that decision.
He would have wanted to go where his friends went, or whichever school open evening had the most whizz-bang science experiments going on.

@twilightcafe

I took it into consideration up to a point. But my 10 year-old wasn't best placed to make that decision. He would have wanted to go where his friends went, or whichever school open evening had the most whizz-bang science experiments going on.

If that is a response to me then again not what I said, I’m talking about no consideration. Bit patronising 😒

I knew someone who took one of her sons out of the local primary and sent him to a private school as that was what was right for him (I didn’t presume to ask why) When it came to secondary school choices some parents were shocked and said they couldn’t believe it because she chose the comp.

ime the kids discuss it constantly. Friendships will break up & that will upset them plenty.

I also wonder if MNers have lost the art of being good listeners.

If you don't want to think about it then a simple "Don't want to think about it yet" followed by being a good friend who asks them questions so they can think out loud to a sympathetic ear. Most people truly only want to talk about themselves & share their own inner musings. It's rarely anything but easy to turn a conversation to getting them to do that.

If you wanting to share at any point, I advise against saying these things:

"I wouldn't consider that school over my dead body"
"I heard they're all chavs over there"
"I've heard such horror stories..."

those things will indeed offend someone or make you look like a snob

I live in a grammar area and it was a very wierd time. People turn very strange; competitive, defensive, snobby, reverse snobby. I think its just a lot of insecure parents worrying they don't know how to navigate this decision and clinging to others in the same boat, but also being in competition with each other. Grammar is such a bad system. Both my DC were known for certain strengths so I just used that as a reason for going to the non-standard school. Obviously everyone knows 'Freddie just loves the football opportunities at X School' is polite nonsense but its better than saying 'we know Y School is horrendous and have managed to get a place at X thank feck'.

Watermelon I couldn't possibly comment because I don't know what your local schools or what they could have gone too. I also couldn't possibly comment on your dc? You say she's done well and thrived so what more could you want?

This school will absolutely change the tack of my dc life but I can go into speficics because its outing!
Far far better school, opportunities.. Better destinations, far better destinations, better pastoral provision, better everything..

It's a holistic approach I think and very personal. My dd would do well anywhere but I also want her experience to be the best I can get it to be. For me it's not just about grades it's everything really.. But I myself had a few different school experiences so I was able to look at things from a slightly different perspective.

A bit like the approach to Christmas
I'd be so wealthy if I had a pound every time someone said "I just do what my mum did and what I had growing up".
I appraised the good and bad and tweaked it to what I felt was the best experience not just.. What I had..

Most mums around our way have applied the same logic to school.. It's what I had and that was good enough.. It's all very tied into personal choices and experiences and many people have lived here and proudly gone to the same school as their dc and so on.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that.. But they don't want to hear any honest appraisal at all.. Because its all set. Personally I'd rather people be honest and tell me what's going on rather than hide things in case they hurt my feeling!! We are all adults surely and can take info and use and discard as necessary and applicable to us?

Eg someone may slate the sen provision at dd current school.. That's not of interest to me with one dc.. But will be when other goes and it may have improved by then!

@lljkk

ime the kids discuss it constantly. Friendships will break up & that will upset them plenty.

I also wonder if MNers have lost the art of being good listeners.

If you don't want to think about it then a simple "Don't want to think about it yet" followed by being a good friend who asks them questions so they can think out loud to a sympathetic ear. Most people truly only want to talk about themselves & share their own inner musings. It's rarely anything but easy to turn a conversation to getting them to do that.

If you wanting to share at any point, I advise against saying these things:

"I wouldn't consider that school over my dead body"
"I heard they're all chavs over there"
"I've heard such horror stories..."

those things will indeed offend someone or make you look like a snob

🙌

I favour the Hogwarts response.

There are some people who try such devious ways of getting into a particular school that the less they know about other parents' intentions the better. You won't spot the devious ones easily.

Fem bot... If your kids don't go there how would you know...

^^our primary has quite a few destinations.

Older siblings in them, parents with dc in them and dc at primary then many help out at the schools.
One for instance was two years ago the rage.. Supposed to be sooo good, amazing open day.. And I admit I was sceptical because I knew a mum who worked there and she said its all exterior and they have massive discipline issues
I didn't say anything to the mums who were so excited to send dc there and yet.. Two years later major staff all left, other staff leaving in droves and it's got a major discipline issue.

I'm a big believer in letting people talk.. I'm pretty good at sifting through info and what I need or don't need etc

Peak! Devious.. I am not sure I'd use the word devious to describe parents who want the best education for thier dc?

Still no, not interested in hearsay and opinions. Do you really think if you had said something to those mums they would have changed their choices? I doubt it, some people don’t really even have a choice so I think you were right to keep your own counsel.

I'm sure you won't, but if you are going for private school whatever you do don't try to justify your decision on the basis that your child is especially gifted/sensitive/whatever. Also, please do be sensitive in what you say to your dc about why they're not going to local state schools.

I'm going through this for the third time in an area of London with lots of desirable private schools (my oldest two are doing fine at local comprehensives)

Everyone knows that you are doing what you think is best for your child. No further justification needed.

@peak2021

I favour the Hogwarts response.

There are some people who try such devious ways of getting into a particular school that the less they know about other parents' intentions the better. You won't spot the devious ones easily.

When you say devious do you mean shagging the headteacher or buying a property on the doorstep of the school, that kind of thing?

I do know someone who got their kid (aged 11) baptised the week before the form had to be in, to get into a church school.

I have a Y4 kid - should I be thinking about this yet?

In my 'hood you need to think about tutoring for grammar schools (exam at start of y6) so end of y4 is when people start to muse these things.

I had forgotten about religious schools! I'd assume that most of the religious families would get their kids into a religious primary, which ours isn't, so that probably isn't one to add to the list!

There are some interesting perspectives here to consider and 100% agree that genuinely different schools suit different kids and people just want their kid to be happy.