Can I have your ideas of how I can improve my life?

[chinesejade]

• I am 60 years old

I take medication for depression, anxiety and sleeping pills. I look at my life and wonder where the * it managed to go off track and would like advice and suggestions of how to get it back on the rails.

• I'm a reasonably intelligent person. I have a PhD in Biochemistry but I have never used it in any kind of job I've had, mainly I think because of imposter syndrome. I'm currently unemployed because I left my last job, which I loved, to train to be a teacher which I hated. Had a breakdown partway through training and haven't worked since.

• I have lost all my confidence about being in the workplace. I apply for jobs that are way below my ability level (home care worker etc) but at the last minute feel panicked about it and don't pursue interviews etc.

• Even before lockdown I didn't go out of the house much, now I don't go out at all. Being among people (like a supermarket) makes me feel panicky. I won't even go in the back garden if my neighbour is out or even if there's a chance she'll come out.

• I have lived with my partner for over 30 years.. He has very narrow interests and anything that we do together is on his terms and what he wants to do, there is no compromise so I've stopped suggesting/asking and have abandoned all my interests, I don't feel confident in doing things or going to places on my own.

• In fact everything seems to be decided by him - our food, stuff around the house etc. I want a pet - even a hamster would be ok - but every time I raise it he puts on his disapproval face and the matter is closed. I don't know how it came like this, he's not like some of the controlling men I read about on MN; it feels like it's more me being so passive for so long has given him the position of decision maker. I've slowly handed over all responsibility for everything to him, I don't know how to get some of it back.

• I hate my life and don't see any way forward that involves me being a happy, fulfilled individual.

Get yourself a hamster.

I don't say that flippantly but having another living being to care for and to give you affection back would be a great way of reconnecting with yourself.

Make a list/create a mind map of what you want yoyr life to look like/who you are that has been forgotten. And create goals from these with smart targets to achieve.

With respect, you are a creative and intelligent person. You can do this. You just don't think you can at the moment.

Definitely get the hamster. You will also have to go out to buy it.
You seem very afraid of life, do you have any friends or family that you could start going for a walk or something with?
I wouldn't worry about a job atm it's not the be all and end all.
Talk to your partner, he's become your parent. That needs to change.
What do you want from life hobbies, travel a social life? It is all out there if you want it.

Go back to your GP and review your medication. Go for a daily walk to get some fresh air and exercise. Maybe consider some counselling.
You do not mention your financial position - does your partners job bring in sufficient money/do you have any form of pension pot? Do you really need to work or could you volunteer starting with a few days a week? 60 is a tricky age (I am 60). It is time for a careful review starting with your health.

I agree, get the hamster! It’s the first step to doing something for you. Once you’ve built up some confidence from looking after it might you have a bit more confidence in your ability to work?

I’d go back to your gp to review your treatment as well especially for the anxiety as it doesn’t sound like it is working for you.

You have my sincerest empathy! It's all too easy for life to fall off the rails.

I can't advise on Biochemistry, it's way outside my area, but what will help your life is taking small steps towards a point where you fall in love with a goal and find the energy to pursue it.

As you're not getting out much, if at all, are you getting any exercise at all? If you don't have any other equipment I'd strongly suggest a skipping rope and a hula hoop. Both cheap and not requiring anyone else's approval. You could take them out into the garden early in the morning or after dark ...

How's your - individual - financial situation at the moment?

Apparently we need certain things in life in order to stay mentally well -
Connect with other people. Good relationships are important for your mental wellbeing. ...
to be physically active
to keep learning - not just academic study but how to do things, anything
to give to others
and to be able to be mindful, stay in the moment (rather than look back or forward continuously)

It sounds like you have been a very high achiever academically but you have neglected your soul... stay away from people who criticise and complain, see more of people whose company makes you feel good. And keep moving, even when you feel very anxious or down, try to keep going, do something for yourself, no matter how small.

Also can you make your garden more private? Mine is my sanctuary. It's so peaceful and makes me feel calm. My neighbours are lovely but I can't see them from the garden at all. Put a boundary up, create your own little haven. If you like animals you could have a wildlife garden. I have bird table, bath, feeders, wildlife pond and lots of bee and butterfly plants. I spend hours out there.

OP, you sound very lonely. Human contact is vital for happiness for most people. Join a church or faith community? That's like a fast track to meeting people in a supportive environment. If that's your thing of course. But it sure beats being at home alone.

I don't have any ideas really but wanted to reply anyway as you sound like what you could really do with is a listening ear and I would gladly listen... I am in a sort of similar situation, I had to quit my job at an awkward time a few years ago and I find myself now, in my 40s, also with a science PhD but no chance (or wish, tbh) to return to a science career. I am thinking about retraining as a nurse. If I do, I'm going to do voluntary work first, to see if I like it and to give me some experience. Would that be anything?

When I saw the thread title I wondered if it would be a husband related problem. I read down your opening thread and bingo!

You sound very like I did when I was married. I was been with him for 30 years and hadn't noticed the total and utter control and manipulation that had seeped into my life.

I've slowly handed over all responsibility for everything to him, I don't know how to get some of it back

He has taken it from you, chinesejade, without you realising it, don't blame yourself . How about starting with something small like buying rich tea instead of digestives, see how he reacts to that? Or if that's too much, buy a different biscuit for you to eat and give him his usual. He might not even notice but it'll give you that little feeling of strength. That will be the start.

You say you have abandoned all your interests, what are they?

Get a hamster.

Ask GP to review your medication, be honest with them about how you are feeling.

I think counselling would be hugely beneficial for you, would you be open to this?

Bin the partner.

He is controlling. You are so obliging towards him he doesn't have to shout and be obvious about his intentions. Get a dog rather than a hamster. Then you'll be out and about walking too.

I would start small with an honest journal perhaps just for notes for you about what a happier/healthier life would look like what do you want to see in 2 years say.
I would suggest not making any massive changes but follow advice around reviewing medication as some antidepressants have moved on or doses can change you might benefit from trying something new.

Get out for a little walk each day, would your Partner come?
Your life list could be separated into chunks so do you want to stay with your partner or have counselling together or is that over?
Do you need to work? Could you volunteer to gain confidence?
Health and well-being - what do you enjoy? reclaim it slowly is it swimming/walking/horse riding something that appeals. Get some counselling to help you with anxiety.
Hamsters are cute but I wouldn’t go for a hamster I felt depressed for mine sat in its cage all day, is a rescue dog or cat out of the question?
Good luck

The trouble with counselling is that not everyone gets a counsellor who is capable of being of use to them. Sometimes, after months of waiting, one might find the counsellor lacks the intelligence or life experience to relate to your situation. So you end up saying what they want to hear, just to get it over with. Or they inadvertently make you feel worse ... Although, of course, if they're the only person you speak to all week, that can be enough to keep you going for a few months.

But it sounds as if what the OP needs is intelligent friendship and something to take her out of herself ...

OP - are there any family or friends in your life right now? Or only your partner? (And how did he support you during your breakdown?)

Hello
You have a PhD in Biochemistry so you and I are colleagues (I have a PhD in Microbiology).
Do you still love science? Would you consider going back to lab?

There are opportunities there, UK science is really growing at the moment. Especially in the industry, depending where you live.
If you like we can talk about job search matters etc. I have been in quite a few jobs myself, both academia and industry. Not trying to be patronising and saying I know everything, but I have been around in the business for some time (about 15 years) - and happy to share my knowledge/experience.

I think everyone posting here is good intentions but with the best will in the world, if OP doesn’t go out hardly at all and her husband is disapproving, she is not going to be able to just get a pet.

I agree with those who have said to start with a medication review, then think about working up to a bit of exercise in the house or garden. Better weather means neighbours are more likely to be out, so be prepared for that and think about what you could say if they speak to you.

I could be completely off base here only you know the answers but some questions that come into my mind.

Would it be true to say that you know what your partner’s likely responses will be to something you suggest that you would like to do so you don’t bother suggesting anything anymore outside of his area of interest. If so then is it possible he has you under his complete and utter control.

Did you put up some kind of resistance at the start but ultimately you realised it was just easier to be who he wants you to be and now you have lost yourself in being this other person for him.

Could that being someone that someone else wanted you to be have started long before you met your partner? Would you have been expected to be very diligent and compliant growing up?

Think about using your garden more. Do you do any gardening? That can be a very therapeutic and satisfying occupation, you will have a sense of achievement as your plants start to grow!

If you feel your neighbour is too intrusive, your first job could be to grow fast growing plants on trellises to give you some privacy. Or perhaps think about planting a few containers with summer flowers for some colour to brighten your day.

Now is a good time of year to start a garden project as things begin to burst into life. You could visit a garden centre to get some ideas, and as a gentle introduction to going out and about once more.
Start with drawing a plan of your garden!

The trouble with hamsters as pets, is that they are nocturnal, and at their most lively at two or three in the morning, when you want to be sound asleep!

Yes get a dog and buy the treats you like as well.

Sod the hamster, get a dog. It will get you out of the house and you'll make lots of dog friends. It will give you cuddles and make you feel wanted and loved! Apparently the rescue centres are getting full again.

I also have a Biochemistry PhD and don't use it. Most of my friends with PhDs aren't using theirs in their careers either - there's only so much academia to go around. I'm planning on quitting my corporate job in a couple of years to become a gardener. It would be much more satisfying.

A dog is not something someone can just go and get! Especially if they don't live the house and have an unsupportive partner.

A smaller, less demanding and more unobtrusive pet - like a hamster - would give the OP something to focus on without impacting on her husband at all.

Actually, rats would be better than a hamster.

Don't think it's possible to make truly helpful suggestions before hearing what the OP's financial situation is. If she's completely dependent on her partner then it sounds as if she'll be blocked at every turn.

Otherwise a dog could be wonderful - if she can afford to feed and care for it, and is physically capable of taking it out. And feels comfortable in her locality - which is not a given.

And the OP says 'partner' so I assume they are not married, which might add to financial precarity.