Can I have your ideas of how I can improve my life?

[chinesejade]

• I am 60 years old

I take medication for depression, anxiety and sleeping pills. I look at my life and wonder where the * it managed to go off track and would like advice and suggestions of how to get it back on the rails.

• I'm a reasonably intelligent person. I have a PhD in Biochemistry but I have never used it in any kind of job I've had, mainly I think because of imposter syndrome. I'm currently unemployed because I left my last job, which I loved, to train to be a teacher which I hated. Had a breakdown partway through training and haven't worked since.

• I have lost all my confidence about being in the workplace. I apply for jobs that are way below my ability level (home care worker etc) but at the last minute feel panicked about it and don't pursue interviews etc.

• Even before lockdown I didn't go out of the house much, now I don't go out at all. Being among people (like a supermarket) makes me feel panicky. I won't even go in the back garden if my neighbour is out or even if there's a chance she'll come out.

• I have lived with my partner for over 30 years.. He has very narrow interests and anything that we do together is on his terms and what he wants to do, there is no compromise so I've stopped suggesting/asking and have abandoned all my interests, I don't feel confident in doing things or going to places on my own.

• In fact everything seems to be decided by him - our food, stuff around the house etc. I want a pet - even a hamster would be ok - but every time I raise it he puts on his disapproval face and the matter is closed. I don't know how it came like this, he's not like some of the controlling men I read about on MN; it feels like it's more me being so passive for so long has given him the position of decision maker. I've slowly handed over all responsibility for everything to him, I don't know how to get some of it back.

• I hate my life and don't see any way forward that involves me being a happy, fulfilled individual.

Take small steps.

When dp is at work, go for a short walk. If you feel nervous, set yourself small challenges. Ie. Walk to end of road, then end of next road, or do it by time. Ie. Set timer for five minutes, after five minutes turn and return home.

You say you like plants, maybe on your walks look for five/ten etc different plants.

Maybe look for a part time job in a garden centre, or is there a local stately home etc looking for seasonal work etc.

Are you addicted to the sleeping pills without realising? If they begin with Z, they can be addictive,.

Do you like reading. Maybe join a bokclub?

Poor you OP.
But I have to say PhD in biochemistry automatically makes you a cool person !

Your still ok to have a life. Could you join an online hobby alone? Online is less pressure than actual real life imo.
Something you enjoy?

Could you volunteer in something? There is also online volunteering atm too. Your brains would be welcome in a lot of places.

Don't worry about what your dh is or isn't doing chip away at small things to rebuild who you are. And you don't have to be the person you were last year. Good luck.

Oh and regain your shared garden. Buy some new/2nd hand furniture if you can and plonk it right where is fair and have a cover over it so you can instigate regaining the garden by saying you're just waiting for the warmer sunshine to appear to get back out in the shared garden ASAP.

In a similar situation, I stumbled across an author called Mark Manson. He has a website with free articles you can read, but i downloaded an app and listen to his recordings on my phone with earplugs when I can't sleep. He's a sort of life coach. It has transformed my life. I am now 4 months into my first graduate job, having graduated in 1992. I have nice colleagues. I have a few nice friends and finally feel happy and challenged at work. Having been passive and bullied for most of my life, it no longer seems to happen. I feel confident. I would really recommend him. He has a nice philosophy about things.

OP, I think you're really brave to have posted and so this means you can now be a little more brave and take some little initial steps towards restoring your happiness.

I have a science PhD so know that they are not easy and require lots of tenacity and resilience as well as a few brain cells. I wondered if you'd heard of Zooniverse www.zooniverse.org/ ? This gives people the chance to get involved from home in all sorts of research projects where the amounts of data are too huge for scientists to analyse alone. There are current projects helping scientists look for evidence of burrowing owl activity in the San Diego desert, or one helping scientists study electron microscopy images of the endoplasmic reticulum. And forums where the volunteers can connect and discuss the projects. No prior experience required, but your background would make you perfectly suited. Could this be something you could take a look at? Maybe we could even sign up for a project together?

I would suggest growing some seeds, or tomatoes or flowers, herbs inside on your windowsill, then plant outside
This would give you something to nurture

Secondly, I agree a daily walk is good for the mind, spirit & body
You never know what you will see !
Last year I collected some free honesty seeds
Locally, from a family who have a huge garden & they leave plants out for free or for sale

Can you borrow a dog from a neighbour to walk ?

Make a few small changes

I started to keep a diary.
It has a few headings.
Exercise, reading, writing, diet, sleep.
I keep track of those things so I remember to prioritise what keeps me sane.

I think small steps to get out of the house as difficult as it is for you it changes
Your mood and focus
Look ahead away or think about something to take the feelings of worry while you are out.
Review your meds.
Just because you studied and didn't follow that path is not a negative it means you had a focus and goal which you achieved.
I enjoy conversations with people in there 60's no offence but you have life and interesting stories.
Is there anyone you know who you could walk there pet for?
Therapy? Fresh eyes and ideas as you talk may help you find a happier path
Are you near a art gallery, library to walk around and be quiet but in a different environment.
Focus on something or about something to keep you moving
Usually contact with others is bearable if you smile and move on.

Have you had any ideas yet ?

Do recognise that you have agency. Your thoughts and preferences matter and you can make decisions without always seeking approval, and without confrontation. Start with something small and grow your scope from there.

Also, have you considered volunteering in some way? It often helps to improve your sense of self; often people find that the more they put in, the more they themselves benefit; having another focus or thread in your life means not every thread is going wrong at the same time; and it puts you in contact with different people. Choose something which you feel positive about and don't be brow beaten into things you don't want to do.

How are you doing OP? I think about your post often. There are lots of us hoping for your future happiness. Do let us know how you are