Can I have your ideas of how I can improve my life?

[chinesejade]

• I am 60 years old

I take medication for depression, anxiety and sleeping pills. I look at my life and wonder where the * it managed to go off track and would like advice and suggestions of how to get it back on the rails.

• I'm a reasonably intelligent person. I have a PhD in Biochemistry but I have never used it in any kind of job I've had, mainly I think because of imposter syndrome. I'm currently unemployed because I left my last job, which I loved, to train to be a teacher which I hated. Had a breakdown partway through training and haven't worked since.

• I have lost all my confidence about being in the workplace. I apply for jobs that are way below my ability level (home care worker etc) but at the last minute feel panicked about it and don't pursue interviews etc.

• Even before lockdown I didn't go out of the house much, now I don't go out at all. Being among people (like a supermarket) makes me feel panicky. I won't even go in the back garden if my neighbour is out or even if there's a chance she'll come out.

• I have lived with my partner for over 30 years.. He has very narrow interests and anything that we do together is on his terms and what he wants to do, there is no compromise so I've stopped suggesting/asking and have abandoned all my interests, I don't feel confident in doing things or going to places on my own.

• In fact everything seems to be decided by him - our food, stuff around the house etc. I want a pet - even a hamster would be ok - but every time I raise it he puts on his disapproval face and the matter is closed. I don't know how it came like this, he's not like some of the controlling men I read about on MN; it feels like it's more me being so passive for so long has given him the position of decision maker. I've slowly handed over all responsibility for everything to him, I don't know how to get some of it back.

• I hate my life and don't see any way forward that involves me being a happy, fulfilled individual.

Thank you for your replies. I don't have any income of my own - I use birthday money etc to buy clothes etc, and as I never really leave the house I don't spend very much.

OP - if you genuinely want more constructive advice then you really need to give us a bit more information. Buying a pet, getting out in the garden are good ideas. However at 60 - anxious, not sleeping, out of work, controlling partner...these are the most important things to look at. A review of your medication and your finances needs to come first.

Sorry, took me too long to type my post before you got back to us.

What? Hang on, does this prince of a man share the household income?

Given the situation between the OP and her partner I really don't think getting a dog is the best thing right now; bringing a dog into a household needs to have all household members on board with it .

@chinesejade I agree with others who have suggesting starting with going back to your GP for a medication review . I think ForwardRanger has a good post on mental health needs .

Do you have any friends chinesejade? Or family members, anyone you can talk to ?

Do you think that your relationship is possible to improve with counselling, do you want to stay with this person for another 20 years? It's possible that some counselling for yourself may help you work out what you would like to do, help you make some changes . If you are in a position where you have no money of your own and you feel your life is being controlled by your partner , women's aid may be able to offer you some advice as this is a form of abuse .

Is your house big enough that you have a spare room you can turn into a little den for yourself , your own space where you feel confident to start doing some things that you enjoy away from your partner eg listening to your choice of music , watching your choice of TV.

And although I've expressed caution at getting a dog under your present circumstances I can certainly see the benefits for you , particularly if you were to decide to start again without your partner .

Thank you for confirming that, OP. Could you bear to say how your relationship runs, financially? It doesn't sound as if your partner shares whatever income they have with you? Presumably they pay for bills and food? What about trips, haircuts, holidays, etc? Does anyone else but him give you birthday presents? (Really not meaning to be nosy - just to see what the parameters are within which you can operate.)

Do you see anyone else at all? It doesn't sound as if, before covid, you engaged in any cultural pursuits - galleries, concerts, theatre ... ? It sounds as if you stopped wanting anything for yourself - and had no one to want anything good for you.

Yoga with Adrienne on ytube. Good exercise and also good for stress. She has some specifically for anxiety.
Review of meds.
If you are too anxious to leave the house I’d forget about jobs for the moment and focus on building up your confidence. Would you feel more comfortable walking really early when less people are about? I think a therapist would be a good idea.
Would you feel more comfortable connecting with people online? Think about ways you could do this.
You sound lovely, just really lacking in confidence. Best wishes

Can you try volunteer work as a gateway to paid work? Perhaps something like a health charity? Check out doit.org. That could help with your confidence.

Also I’d suggest trying to get yourself some structure to try and build confidence and feel that you’re taking control. Getting out for a walk each day for example, whilst listening to a podcast or music. Then build up to swimming or a fitness class - you’ll get endorphins and a sense of achievement. Or consider an Open University course. It may sound small, but starting somewhere can give you the confidence to tackle bigger issues such as your relationship and lack of support

The OP has no personal income. If she doesn't have a swimming costume she might have to ask for money to buy one. She would have to ask for money to get into the swimming pool. Does she have fitness clothing? Trainers? A yoga mat? Will her partner agree to buy these things. Would she want to ask - and then risk being scrutinised and her progress commented on?

She doesn't say if she drives or has access to a car. She may have to ask for a lift or even money for a bus or train to the swimming pool or fitness class.

It's the same with any course that needs to be paid for ... If she has no income she cannot move forward without 'permission'.

@chinesejade

Thank you for your replies. I don't have any income of my own - I use birthday money etc to buy clothes etc, and as I never really leave the house I don't spend very much.

Can you tell us a bit more about what an average day would be like for you? Does your husband leave the house for work or any other reasons?

In that case I would focus on making small changes that help make each day a little bit more enjoyable for you. A nice bath, reading stuff you enjoy, music you enjoy. All these little bits of self care add up and can make your life more enjoyable day to day. The big ticket issues of money and addressing your possible relationship issues might not be solvable for the minute.

Also, try to put a few pounds away in a personal (private) bank account. Just knowing that you have it, even if it has very little in it, will make you feel that you have possibilities within your control.

OP, you and I have a fair bit in common. My life was like yours a few years ago. But I made several changes for the better, so I will share them.

1.) Do things without asking your husband's opinion. I think you are mistaken his opinion for his permission. I just stopped asking because his default response was 'No.' So I started telling him I'd booked this or showed him I'd bought that and he has grown less surprised over the years and also more willing to accept things quickly.

2.) Best thing I ever did was set myself a challenge to do something I'd never done before every day for a year. I started very small because in those days I was so timid. Try a new scent of bubble bath. Order a different type of coffee. I remember feeling scared because I went to a different cafe from my usual one. I downloaded loads of ideas from the internet. One was to meet the eye of everyone you pass on a short walk. Another was to smile at everyone you pass for 10 minutes. Another, to greet everyone you pass for 10 minutes. Bit by bit, being more at ease socially becomes easier. As your confidence grows, make the new things more daring - sign up to a new activity, club or evening class. Try a new fitness method. I got into power yoga, kayaking and bootcamps from doing this and still enjoy all three. Along the way I tried Zumba, martial arts, swimming. Start cooking new recipes, visiting new places, changing your hair, decor, doing things way outside your comfort zone. I remember accompanying someone to a heavy metal concert and being amazed that I had a great time. Not my sort of music but the band were so good and the atmosphere was so happy and good natured! No one cared I was a chubby old woman.

3.) Make a bucket list of things you want to do before you die. Places you want to see, people you'd like to meet, things you'd like to do. They can be massive (Long haul travel) or small (try that cafe in the next village that looks pretty). The point is to tick stuff off every week. Keep a diary if you like. I find having a bucket list gives me so much pleasure and i get a huge boost of happiness and confidence every time I do something from it.

First thing on your list is: Get a pet.

@TechnoDino

Also, try to put a few pounds away in a personal (private) bank account. Just knowing that you have it, even if it has very little in it, will make you feel that you have possibilities within your control.

I agree with this.

Sorry. I missed that you don't currently have a job. You can change this, as your confidence grows. Take it in stages. Apply for jobs by telling yourself you don't have to attend the interview if you get one, or, if you go to the interview, you don't have to accept the job if offered. But why not? You are capable. You might be lacking in self confidence but you are clearly intelligent. What was the job you had before that you loved, but dropped to do teacher training? Can you return to that in any form. You need your own money.

@Cowbells your advice sounds like great advice even for someone who doesn't have confidence issues (but finds themselves getting more closed off to new things as they get older). Thanks!

I don't know if you are still there @chinesejade but that's a really great post from @Cowbells

I agree with the poster above that it's good advice for anyone , not just someone losing confidence with getting older but so many people have lost confidence and have had changes bought to their lives through Covid / lockdown and that gives some helpful thoughts in getting back out there .

I've been reading everything that has been written and thinking.

I think my sleeping tablets are too strong - they knock me out for at least 12 hours and I feel groggy all day so it's quite hard for me to get the where-with-all to do anything, even type on MN.

I thought about what a PP said about DP being like a parent. That is how it feels, like he's my parent or carer. I've always been a passive person (deferring to others, accepting what I'm told or given without question, disliking making suggestions that I think might not go down well) and after my breakdown became even more so. DP does care about me, I think eg when I was in hospital for 3 months he came and visited everyday bringing little treats, even though it meant catching 2 or sometimes 3 buses to get there and the same to get home again.

I have a small amount of savings that I eek out to buy things I really need, family give me money for birthdays etc and I use that to buy clothes (mostly 2nd hand from ebay), I cut my own hair, use the shampoo, soap etc that DP buys at supermarket. In my life I use very little money. There's a pot of cash in the house that DP tops up and I can dip into that if I need to, it's there for me to use if I want it but mostly I don't.

I used to love going out in the garden and fiddling with my plants. It's only a small space shared with my neighbour. We got a new neighbour two years ago who has slowly taken over the space - she's moved all my plants to one little corner so she could have her rabbit hutch & run, a bike, a sun lounger etc. She took down my hanging basket full of violas & put a wind chime up in its place and cut down and moved my climbing plants so they're all crushed up the corner too. At the weekend she asked DP if she could take my table and chairs to the tip. She'd already moved them, squashing my plants up even more. I now have about an eighth of the garden while she has the rest. I go out so rarely now she probably thinks I don't care about the garden or my plants.

When DP is at work I lock the door & close the windows so no one will know I'm in and don't answer if anyone knocks. I find using the phone excruciating so it's been difficult in lock down where Dr etc want to talk on the phone rather than face-to-face.

My mother was very bad tempered when I was growing up (she still is) and I think it made me very sensitive to people's facial expressions and body language so I knew what mood she was before anything was said, and I've carried this through to adult life. I also learnt not to rock the boat. If she didn't lose her temper her other favourite was telling me how disappointing my behavour had been -not that I was a badly behaved child, I was as quiet as a mouse and would sit out the way, reading- I still have a dread of disappointing people so let them have their own way over things in case I do.

I'm pleased you've returned, OP!

And absolutely furious about your neighbour. It's not possible to surmise as to whether this might be a legal matter or not - but there are surely steps you or your partner could take to push back. Is there any reason why he has not so far intervened? (I get that you feel he's generally supportive and that you might not want to confront the woman yourself.) This really can't go on.

Do you rent or own your house and garden?

I'm sad to read your latest post @chinesejade.

I think your neighbour is overstepping the mark by a very long way. Is there a way that the garden can be divided in half, something like a row of heavy containers, so you each have an allocated section?

I hope your DH told her not to touch your property? Perhaps he would help you put back your items in their original positions?

No wonder you are reluctant to go out into your garden, she sounds obnoxious!

Your DH sounds kind, with his frequent hospital visits. Perhaps you and he could make a habit of sitting in your garden with a coffee, as a way of reclaiming your garden space?

I think it would be worth speaking to your GP to get your sleeping tables altered, especially if you have been taking the same dose for an extended period.
The GP could give you some advice about available therapy too. Maybe something to boost your confidence and assertiveness, if you feel that would help you?

Hi @chinesejade,

I think it's a really good sign that you are reflecting on these things. You are making a list of things you'd like to change. That means when you make small, incremental changes to these things you can tick them off mentally (or in a diary) and see how you are progressing.

Start by reclaiming a bit of your life. It seems to have shrunk fairly recently which means you can get it back. Take your morning tea or coffee into the shared garden. Sit on your seat if it's not gone to the tip. If it has, sit on whatever replaced it, even if your neighbour put it there. Hang a bird feeder from a tree in a part of the garden that reclaims some of what your neighbour has taken over. Remind yourself you have the right and it's not a problem.

chinesejade

Much of your post resonates with me. I have qualifications way about any job I have worked (mainly through emotional difficulties including severe anxiety).

Like you, I have a mother (who I am no longer in contact with) who was perpetually unhappy. Emotionally unavailable, I felt like the invisible child. Coupled with my father's behaviour - again distant and at times physically abusive together with being very critical. I tried to please by achieving but in the end, I experienced a breakdown in my early 20's. I had always followed a pattern of being told what to do - granted I did do one activity I wanted to but certain other (not extreme ones) I was banned from. I think I have struggled with identity issues up until recently (late 40's). Now the perimenopause has kicked in and my anxiety has sky rocketed again.

I was offered therapy via zoom and declined it - I'm waiting for the surgeries to open back up so I can start this (I have received counselling/therapy over the years with varying success).

My husband is almost like a parent/carer to me I think. Things have transpired in our relationship recently which has led me to think he is not the wonderful man, I once thought him to be. If things continue as they have of late, I may well end up living on my own in my 50's (I have 3 dc of varying ages including young ones), so this decision is complex plus no support in real life. I also have awful abandonment issues/fear loneliness which I think keeps me where I am. I present with associated attributes for Borderline Personality Disorder, though I don't meet the criteria but I will be discussing this at my initial assessment.

Getting a dog is a good suggestion. I recently got a cat and whilst lovely, I do crave the companionship of a dog. However, I am waiting to see how life transpires because obviously there is a fair bit of commitment involved, so it is a bit of a catch 22 thing.

Connect with other people. Good relationships are important for your mental wellbeing. ...
to be physically active
to keep learning - not just academic study but how to do things, anything
to give to others
and to be able to be mindful, stay in the moment (rather than look back or forward continuously)

This is very useful and the basis I am trying to use going forward. I have been a sahm for many years and like you, I succeed in talking myself out of jobs quite easily. I have an ambitious plan to start something on-line (but use a laptop to get out of the house), not sure how this is going to pan out right now but it is one of the steps I will be taking. I feel guilty for not resuming work in an office somewhere but I have worked for many years pre-children and I think this time is more about discovering me (fortunate to be in a position to do so currently). I'm hoping my little hustle will provide some spending money and enable me to feel more independent.

Other steps include - I plan to join some interest groups in an attempt to connect with other like-minded people. I have actually re-discovered an interest I had as a child and this is my main hobby/interest so it might well be worth looking back to what interested you as a child. Volunteering seems to be a good way to go too. I have thought of a couple of things I wouldn't mind getting involved in that matter to me - I think this would definitely help self-esteem and perhaps a stepping stone back to work if needs be.

Exercise for me - walking (perhaps I will join a walking group) and considering joining a gym.

The wake up call for me was that lockdown hasn't really affected my life - in fact it has been a bit of a leveller because others have been in a similar situation.

I can't tell you what has worked because I haven't put any of it into practice yet. First point of call is probably finding a helpful therapist - well it is for me, hopefully then, most of the above will follow in the next couple of years.

Apologies for the epic post!

Honestly I wish I lived nearby so I could come to help you reclaim your garden. Your neighbour's behaviour is very rude. You have every right to enjoy your shared garden with the plants and furniture you choose.

I had a hamster. It was very clean and cute but made a lot of noise at night and slept in the daytime. Maybe you could go to the local dog shelter and volunteer to help walk their dogs? That is a lovely thing to do.