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Is being a parent all that it's cracked up to be?

73 replies

RealGroovyChick · 03/04/2021 21:52

Hello all,
I have never felt maternal or like I should be a mother. I have no kids and I feel like my life is good. I just worry that if I don't have kids, that I may regret this. So as parents, do you wish you'd have had kids later on in life or were you happier pre children (I am not saying that you don't love your children I just mean was life better when you were child free) would you be happy to live a child free life? Many thanks, Groovy Chick x

OP posts:
shipsandgiggles · 03/04/2021 21:55

I’ve always been very maternal and have wanted children for as long as I can remember. I also have a brilliant partner who is a great parent too, so for me it’s better than I imagined, however it is also harder than I imagined if that makes sense. I think if I hadn’t wanted to be a mother, or had a partner that didn’t help out much then I’d probably not find it so rewarding

TheSandman · 03/04/2021 21:56

I only became a dad in my 40s after a lifetime of avoiding kids and never wanting to be a parent. I only really felt I'd joined the human race once I HAD become a dad. I went from being an observer to a participant. I have three kids now. No regrets at all.

Bonariensis · 03/04/2021 22:04

Being a parent is relentless for many years and though I love my children I would not have had them if I had known what parenthood was really like. All too often raising children seems to mean the mother doing almost everything and losing herself under the sheer strain of it whilst the father progresses his career and moans that his wife no longer puts him first.

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bootlebum · 03/04/2021 22:05

I had my DS late and so was able to focus on my career, had a decade with DH (just us) and travel, further my interests etc. For me this has worked well - lots of childfree time, now well off and can focus on parenthood. But. I nearly couldn't have DS because we waited so long, and being unable to conceive made me miserable. Why don't you find out how your fertility is holding up? Then you have a vague idea of how long you have before you decide.

And my experience is that parenting is extremely hard, with joyous bits.

Carrive · 03/04/2021 22:06

Shipsandgiggles - this is exactly my view. It is tough albeit much wanted. My kids are my life and I juggle them with a demanding career, which I feel obliged to maintain in order to give them the best and provide every opportunity to them that they deserve. If I ended up a mummy by chance or because my partner wanted it more than me, then I think it would be tougher.

They are a joy and time goes by very quickly with them.

To answer your question, had kids very early 30’s and would not have wanted them much earlier but also, not much later - I travelled lots and worked away for years so feel very contented in that respect - would love a lie in once in a while though 🥴

Cipot · 03/04/2021 22:06

I never felt maternal but dh really wanted DC. I love DC more than life itself but I struggled massively and it damaged my health forever. Somehow though I think it's a journey I still would have taken. It brings a whole new dimension. For all the heartache, and there is loads, there's also a huge amount of laughter.

thedevilinablackdress · 03/04/2021 22:10

I never wanted kids and don't regret not having then now that it's too late. I understand why people do want to do it but I never had that feeling.

Llamasinpajamas · 03/04/2021 22:11

I find parenting very difficult if I’m honest. I have two beautiful children (3 and 1) who are very normal children in their behaviour who I completely adore and get a lot of joy from. However I also find I get incredibly frustrated with the monotony of life with children, the constant negotiations, dealing with tantrums/grumpiness/no time alone or peace. Covid has exacerbated this obviously and the last year I’ve had moments where I feel I can’t bear it. Each time on maternity leave I completely lost myself and only felt myself when I went back to work. But I love my children and hope I’m just not cut out for the small kids years and look forward to them being older. I always imagined having children and am glad I did and love them to bits but I certainly think regularly that parenting and raising kids is very different in practice to how it looked to me observing other families IYSWIM.

MuchTooTired · 03/04/2021 22:14

Having my DTs is the hardest but most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. I had a great life before kids, and I have a great life with kids, they’re just completely different lifestyles really with a lot less cash kicking around!

I wasn’t massively broody by the time I went for ivf, and said to DH if it didn’t work in 2 rounds then that would be that (changed it to 1 round whilst actually undergoing ivf as I found it traumatic). I’d have accepted not having children if I’d exhausted ivf, and would’ve carried on having a nice life I reckon (I had a bloody amazing plan for what I’d do after ivf failed, didn’t actually think about getting pregnant which caused my mh to spiral!).

I don’t necessarily feel I’m a good mother, but I’m a good enough mother and I’m perfect to my kids. Really, I’m just winging it like I think most mothers are, and guilt is just part of the job description as is worrying constantly about them.

I don’t think on paper having kids stacks up as being a good idea (expense, mess, work, worry etc) but in real life they’re all of the above but so extraordinary and beautiful and amazing the negatives are inconsequential.

I realise my response is actually pretty bloody pointless, because I basically think having kids or choosing not to have kids both make for great lives!

expectopelargonium · 03/04/2021 22:16

I was never the slightest bit maternal. Not until I actually had dc1 when I was 35 did it really kick in. Bue even then, only up to a point. Grin

Wouldn't be without them though.

Donteatpurplebroccoli · 03/04/2021 22:21

I’ve adopted in my 40’s, it took us a long time and in many ways it’s great - we get to share our life with a cracking little person whom we couldn’t love any more - had we truly known how much it would demand would our choices have been different?? - impossible to say -we could never have known - I wanted a child for over 20 years and felt my life wouldn’t be complete without one - that need is fulfilled and I am so grateful for the opportunities we have had - but it isn’t easy - the alternative wasn’t either! No regrets but random thoughts of what if ... of course .... but ultimately wouldn’t change it for the world

TheSandman · 03/04/2021 22:24

I never wanted kids and don't regret not having then now that it's too late. I understand why people do want to do it but I never had that feeling.

I guess it's one of those things we will never know. I never wanted kids but ended up having them... and loving it.

If I hadn't had kids would I have been as happy as I am now and never regretted not having them? Probably.

Short of building some sort of device that can travel to alternate realities in which these kinds of different scenarios have played out none of us will never know.

Bacardi101 · 03/04/2021 22:27

As much as I absolutely loved my pre child life I wouldn’t change having them for all the world. I wasn’t maternal until I fell pregnant and although it’s super hard work at times, I feel now that I’ve had them, my life wouldn’t have been as enriched if I didn’t if that makes sense? As a single mum it’s exhausting but I love them unconditionally and they bring me happiness everyday.

donaldbump · 03/04/2021 22:33

Having my children is the best thing. I adore them. But Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m in a stable relationship with a dh who pulls his weight and two boys who are very active.But I have no family support at all and my career and self confidence has nosedived. My anxiety has skyrocketed. Your freedom and ability to move as you please disappears. I find that the hardest thing and often feel very trapped. I deeply miss my pre kid life. However I still would do it again as they are my children.

SylviaPlath1984 · 03/04/2021 22:34

There's no right or wrong answer. I can look back now and think Christ, I should have done things differently. Better career, done more, travelled more... but it's all hindsight and that helps no one. You deal with what you have going on at the time as best you can, we don't know what's around the corner. Even if you are desperate for kids and have the fairytale idea in your head, you could have a loss or a child with special needs or a horrible first few weeks. No one can tell, so you just sort of get on with it and do what you think is right at the time. I have a 4 year old, I honestly don't know what we did with our lives before her... but I'm exhausted and haven't slept for years, have less money and life is generally getting through the day... but I wouldn't change it. And that's how motherhood gets you... you can be utterly miserable, holding on by a thread, haven't washed your hair in days, haven't slept properly for months and you still sort of say "wouldn't change it though" and I don't think that makes sense or is understandable until it's happening TO you.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 03/04/2021 22:39

I always had maternal instincts, it felt like I'd achieved a life goal when I became a parent. Yes, it can be tough, sleepless and thankless on occasions but the pluses far outweigh the minuses for me.

YogaLite · 03/04/2021 22:44

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CounsellorTroi · 03/04/2021 22:44

@TheSandman

I only became a dad in my 40s after a lifetime of avoiding kids and never wanting to be a parent. I only really felt I'd joined the human race once I HAD become a dad. I went from being an observer to a participant. I have three kids now. No regrets at all.
I think it's really sad if you feel you have to have kids to be part of the human race. I couldn't have kids but do not feel any less part of humanity because of that.
Benjispruce2 · 03/04/2021 22:48

I always thought it would get easier as they got older but now ours are teen and 20, the worries don’t end and are potentially more worrisome. Bring a parent is huge! I always wanted children and don’t regret it but I do think it’s perfectly acceptable to not have any. My DC don’t think they want their own and I totally get and at support their choices.

BrilliantBetty · 03/04/2021 22:49

Always wanted children. And wanted them young. In my twenties.

I thought I wanted 4 but changed my mind when I experienced how tough it was.
I am looking forward to a decade of fun when they leave home! I'll be in my late 40s.

It is knackering in every way but also makes my life worthwhile and brings me so much joy.

brokengate · 03/04/2021 22:54

It's the most rewarding yet frustrating, exhausting ridiculous experience of my life.

Would I be without them? No.

But it's almost destroyed me. I always wanted kids, had a career. Spent fifteen years losing babies and failing IVF cycles. Thousands of tears and pounds. It consumed me. We were told it was over, nothing could be done. Then along they came, one after the other.

The problem is my leftover mental health. A bit like someone else has said you have no way of knowing what's going to happen. Fifteen years wasted not doing things then here they are. Being told they wouldn't be has left me terrified they will be taken. I fought so hard to become a mum I'm almost to broken to be one. I've no confidence, no instinct, I feel not good enough. It seemed to come easy and be easy for people I know. Both mine are hard hard work. It's like a battle I never seem to win.

But that love, I wouldn't change that.

Disneyblue · 03/04/2021 22:57

It's a difficult one this. I don't believe people should be having kids 'in case they regret it later'. Society does seem to steer you into it almost. To me you're far better waiting until you're ready and actually want a child. Having children is incredibly mentally and physically exhausting. Nothing can prepare you for it.
If you waited until you're ready but you're not actually ready until you're say, 38, then yes that can be tough because there's a chance you may not be able to conceive.

That's why it's a difficult one. My advice to you is don't rush into anything and keep an open mind.

Hoppythehippo · 03/04/2021 23:07

I could, logically, have been happy without them. I had a nice pre child life! They’re tiring, worrying, expensive, hard work and very difficult to get time away from. There are no sick days or duvet days. I wonder often why I had them, though I love them dearly. But ultimately in my late twenties I had a visceral, instinctive need to have them, for reasons I can’t sensibly articulate and put into words and I was very unhappy without them. I felt the same about having the second. I remind myself of that often when they wake for the day at 4:45am....

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 03/04/2021 23:09

@Bonariensis

Being a parent is relentless for many years and though I love my children I would not have had them if I had known what parenthood was really like. All too often raising children seems to mean the mother doing almost everything and losing herself under the sheer strain of it whilst the father progresses his career and moans that his wife no longer puts him first.
This.

I've had real moments of regret Sadbut I've decided to pour all my energy into trying my best - and I do have to try to enjoy it.

OP if you don't have the urge to have kids, trust me, don't.

HeddaGarbled · 03/04/2021 23:16

My children have brought immense joy to my life.

But we’re all different, and I think there was a survey recently which identified that childless single women were happier than everyone else.