Is being a parent all that it's cracked up to be?

[RealGroovyChick]

Hello all,
I have never felt maternal or like I should be a mother. I have no kids and I feel like my life is good. I just worry that if I don't have kids, that I may regret this. So as parents, do you wish you'd have had kids later on in life or were you happier pre children (I am not saying that you don't love your children I just mean was life better when you were child free) would you be happy to live a child free life? Many thanks, Groovy Chick x

Always wanted them and love them to death. It’s much harder than I imagined it would be... but it’s also incredibly rewarding and the amount of love you feel...

I was ambivalent about having kids, but had two. It's the best decision we ever made, despite having next to no family help when they were very young.
I went back to work pt at four and five months though, so outsourced a lot of the hard times and have been lucky enough to keep my career going so don't feel I've sacrificed my career or pension for them. Luckily too some may say, DH and I are still in it together.
At nearly 50 my happiest memories have involved my DC, and I say that as someone who enjoyed luxury holidays and a carefree lifestyle before they came along.

I have no regrets about having my children, they are adults now and I have really enjoyed parenting (even when it has been really tough, which it has at times).

I'd even go as far as to say that children are completely overrated.

I think I would have had a better quality of life without kids. More travel, career, more money, nice house.

I was never maternal, insisted I didn't want children but changed my mind around the age of 30. It's great, best thing I ever did. They're teens now and great company, really interesting people I enjoy being around.

I have an almost 1 year old DD, she brings so much joy to me, DH & our families. Having a baby during lockdown has been isolating & challenging at times and I'm sure we'll have some hard moments as she gets older but she has changed my life in a way I couldn't imagine & I wouldn't change anything.

I only have one child and also have genuine supportive husband who does at least his fair share. The good parts of being a parent are so much better than anything I'd imagined. The bad bits are far more difficult than I realised they would be. Overall, it's been totally worth it! So much love, so much fun!

For me, I didn't want children till I turned about 33. Then bang, I was maternal.

I was not maternal. In work, when I told people I was pregnant, they were like "what you? Your having a baby??"

Imagine loving someone sooo much that everything you then do revolves around them and their future. And your over the moon with that.

My DD is 8. She still needs me. Still thinks I am great.

I am dreading the whole her getting off with her friends, because they are cooler than me.

Having a person who depends on you totally is overwhelming and scary but it's made me a better person.

I have three kids and have been right in the thick of it this year with a baby and 2 young primary kids to homeschool. I absolutely love being a parent. It is hard and relentless as some pp have said. But it is beautiful and joyful and rewarding in a way no words can describe. They are wonderful people and my life would be flat and dull without them.

I have 3 kids. Always wanted them. I have always continued my career although I retrained for a year after number 1. I love everything about being a parent and I’ve never had 1 minute of regret but it is extremely busy when they are infants/toddlers. They are older now and I really love it even more. My family are the best thing by far in my life. I consider myself extremely lucky to have them.

I'm stealing a post by @sjfjsnfkdhsbd on another thread, because I like it so much

"Treating tough decisions as a choice between "regrets vs no regrets" is a recipe for making bad decisions.

Life is not a Disney film where choice A results in regret and choice B results in living happily ever after. The reality is that as loss-averse beings a sense of regret follows most decisions in some form, whether that be at a trivial level after switching queues and seeing your previous line speed up, or at the much more serious level you're contemplating.

When you have to make a decision about a situation you didn't want to be in in the first place, there is always going to be emotional distress and "what if?" whichever path you take. It's the nature of being human.

Your op is a description of the regrets you will have if you continue, and fear of regrets if you don't continue.

So the real question to ask yourself - and the one to listen to your gut about - is about the quality of life you will have in each scenario. Is it worth jeopardising the life you have now to try and avoid some difficult emotions (which you may not even experience), or would continuing enhance your life?

And then be kind to yourself if you have tough moments and remind yourself there was no perfect decision available to you, just the least bad one you could make at the time."

Personally for me my life is much better with my DS (4). I wish I'd had him younger so I could have the chance of having more.

It's hard but gosh I wouldn't want to go back to my life before (which was living in a nice area close to a village of restaurants / bars and seeing my friend all the time).

I still have a good quality of life it's just even better because he's in it.

I waited until 30 and then had 2dc. I was nevwr maternal but felt we should do it. I loved dc1 instantly despite having a horrendous first 18 months and DC 2 has slotted perfectly in. It is relentless and painful - actual pain, I'd never realised how much I'd be pushed/kicked/bitten/pain in hips from co sleeping/back pain from carrying them on my hip. I work full time, as does DH but we compress hours and work evenings so we have time for DC. This means we never have any time off ever, no evenings.

It's hard and I wish we had someone who could help us more. I have a lot of friends who have parents who come and stay for a month to help out or are surrounded by their family. We aren't so it can be very hard, but it has been life-changing and I would never go back. My DC are amazing!

However I wouldnt say its better than a child free life of vice versa. I think they're just different with different pros and cons.

Before DC I loved spending all weekend on the sofa playing console games or just watching trashy daytime TV. Since DC we have gone out to tons of restaurants, parks, zoos etc. We spend all weekend out. So while I miss time on my own and being able to sit down, I have enriched a life I was getting quite stuck in. Although there could have been other ways to do that!

For me life is better being a parent. I was a bit young, I was only 28, so in an ideal world I would have been a little older, but there is never a perfect time, plus that means he would have been older and I would have missed his toddlerhood or not be his Dad at all.

It is very hard at times, but for me the times of stress etc are more than worth it. I love that I get to be my sons Dad, I’m genuinely the luckiest man to be given that opportunity, he is absolutely brilliant in everyway (yes, he is still a bugger) and he has achieved so much already, hes an amazing little boy. I really hope that in the future I can be Dad to number two and see him become a big brother.

It isn’t easy though, its tiring, sometimes stressful, sometimes you feel scared, worried etc. But those hard times aren’t constant and you do get through them. I’m not naturally paternal, some people seem just to know how to parent, I’m not one of those people so it has been a big learning curve and continues to be, it isn’t about being the best parent in the world, its about being good enough.

The first six months were incredibly tough, but once we had an established routine, got to know each other etc everything just started slotting into place and we started bumping along nicely. Every year I celebrate the day I became his Dad (privately, he would find that stressful) and every year it is even more special because we’ve had more time together and we have both learned so many more new things on our little journey together. I could bore you to death all night talking about him.

Bloody hell it's hard work.

Having children felt like it was meant to be for me. I'm not the best parent, but I've always had the sense that I needed to bring them into the world, and I find myself looking on the whole thing as a life experience that I was supposed to have, and they are supposed to have.

I had my first one at 37, then two more. I wish I'd had them when I was younger, but hadn't yet met their father.

If you do not have that intense feeling of wanting children, it's perfectly OK not to have children. You will still have a great life experience.

Having kids in simultaneously the best and the worst thing you can do. It’s ridiculously hard and nothing can prepare you for it.

But I feel just the same as SimonJT. I am privileged to have mine. They are wonderful and gorgeous and kind and smart. They are also hard work at times.

I asked my OH the answer to your question about regret. He feels the same as me. On those hard days it’s easy to feel like being child free would be better, but overall I have no regrets. It’s the best thing ever.

Parenting is a black hole you get sucked into and pre baby life feels like a distant dream. You can’t remember life without them in it. It’s surreal and incredible.

I also agree it destroys your health, mentally and physically, your social life and your bank balance. You have to learn to let things go, and have to learn to grow. It’s an amazing journey of highs and lows.

Don’t believe the insta pics. It’s not all roses.

Being child free was wonderful and I loved my life before, but I was ready for this, so it helped. I also didn’t feel maternal, so I had few preconceived notions of parenting, which I think helped.

Don’t have kids if you don’t want them. It’s like any other experience- traveling, careers, it can be great, but it can be hard too. With kids, you have to give up so much for them, but as others have said, it’s instinct and you will do anything for them and happily so. I would give my life for them in an instant, and in many ways, that’s what parents do. We give up our sleep, time, careers, energy, money, all for our children and their well being at the cost of our own, and we do it with love. Which is probably why we get so frustrated when they act out, have tantrums, are ungrateful!

Social media and society make women and men think they are missing out, or that they aren’t complete without kids. It’s not the case. If you don’t want them, don’t. I know lots of people who don’t want children and I respect that. It’s your choice.

My DM has told me before she knows her life would have been easier without kids. I was taken aback at the time, but I get it! She loves me immeasurably, but that doesn’t stop it taking a toll on parents, when every decision has to be considered with them in mind, always.

Don’t feel pressured into doing something you aren’t ready for. People do have regrets over having kids.

But in answer to your question, I’m happier now and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

It’s the toughest job I’ve ever had to do without any qualifications. I Had my son at 38 and being a single mum means you have to do everything on your own as my family are not overly supportive. I wouldn’t change a thing apart from my bank balance which is only just recovering from the huge childcare bills. Definitely worth all the effort though and I’m so proud of the young man he has become .

What is that saying about having children is like having your heart walking outside of your body? That fierce love you feel and fear of anything happening to them is both amazing and terrifying.

Having DC for me has been hard, my career and my body are not what they used to be. It's relentless and frightening and overwhelming and often downright boring but the highs are so much higher than the lows in my case. I see the world differently through the eyes of my children, I am kinder, I care more about nature and the planet, I try to be a good example to my boys and want to raise them to be kind, decent human beings. Having children has changed me, for the better.

@dementedma

I think I would have had a better quality of life without kids. More travel, career, more money, nice house.

Curious that you equate material things with quality of life. Yeah, I would have had shitloads more stuff if I hadn't had kids but would I have been happier? Who knows.

I dont regret having children, but I do regret who I had them with. I imagine having a partner who is willing to help out and do night feeds, take baby for a walk, help with housework, etc etc is going to make for a much better and easier experience than having kids with a selfish man who does sweet F all. At least the kids go to their dads once a fortnight so I get a good break then, which is far more than I had when we were together!

It is incredibly full on and relentless. They become the focus of your life and for all the joy they bring they also bring worry, stress etc. They do change you and everything else is less important and it gives you something to live for beyond you, your goals, desires etc.
It's the commitment that you need to consider as it is non stop, let alone the finances.
You will only be half of the parenting team (unless you are a single parent) so you need to think about your other half's commitment and whether they will help 50/50. This is the key to coping.
Having said all this, I think it's worth the sleep deprivation, exhaustion and worry as i have a baby and 2 year old and we both want a third. Nothing worth doing is ever easy, right? Having a child is so incredible and is such a huge responsibility and honour.