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Is being a parent all that it's cracked up to be?

73 replies

RealGroovyChick · 03/04/2021 21:52

Hello all,
I have never felt maternal or like I should be a mother. I have no kids and I feel like my life is good. I just worry that if I don't have kids, that I may regret this. So as parents, do you wish you'd have had kids later on in life or were you happier pre children (I am not saying that you don't love your children I just mean was life better when you were child free) would you be happy to live a child free life? Many thanks, Groovy Chick x

OP posts:
mummyof2munchkins · 03/04/2021 23:21

I have two and honestly i'd fight lions for either of them. It's tough sometimes but there is literally nothing that would ever come before my children. I love my husband but would run him over to save my kids. It's not logic driven, its a guttural, instinctive feeling. These little people make me happier than I could have ever imagined.

All that said the love I have for them makes me feel vulnerable in a way that isn't comfortable. They need me, nobody can care for them the way I do. Having a human need you this much is a huge responsibility. Wish somebody had warned me how scary that is.

WildWaterSwimmer · 03/04/2021 23:28

I never felt particularly maternal but when I had my children I absolutely loved life as a parent. The baby, toddler, primary & early secondary years were wonderful, much easier and much more fun than I expected. The mid-teen years have been incredibly difficult for one of my children and it has caused a lot of pain and heartache for the whole family.

Our parenting journey has seen incredible highs and incredible lows. Would I have done it if I'd known what lay ahead? Possibly.

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joysexreno · 03/04/2021 23:34

I had my daughter later in life (36). I was never bothered about children.

It has had an indelible impact on my stress levels and earning capacity.

I love my daughter more than I have loved anything or anyone. I turned out to be pretty maternal. She is endlessly demanding and needy. It is not relaxing and definitely involves more giving than taking.

For me, I probably would not do anything differently because of how much I adore my daughter. But it's difficult, expensive, and demanding.

TheSandman · 04/04/2021 17:46

I think it's really sad if you feel you have to have kids to be part of the human race. I couldn't have kids but do not feel any less part of humanity because of that.

Oh I knew I was a part of the human race. I knew I was a Human I was full participant in this weird thing called humanity and adore and despair at what we have done as a species but I was never actually connected to it somehow.

Suddenly at the age of 42 I realised my genes were in the pool. An infinitesimal bit of ME was going to go on after I died in a way that I (as a lifelong atheist) had never really considered before. It's hard to describe. Nearest thing to a mystical experience I ever had.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 04/04/2021 18:00

I wasn't remotely maternal before having DC. I did know that I wanted them eventually but was not even close to what people would consider maternal.

Honestly its the most frustrating, draining hard thing I have ever done but its filled with a kind of incandescent joy and love at times thatcis like nothing I have ever experienced before. I had no concept of exactly how much better my children would make me. I do not have "easy" children , and honestly physically and financially I was better off before my DC.

Truly though all the stress and anxiety and lows are absolutely nothing compared to those moments of joy. Its like winning a lottery but you have to live on £1.50 for five days of the week but then two days you get to spend millions of pounds on whatever you like.

Was I financially, physically better off and time rich before ? Absolutely. Are there days weeks , months where I could tear my hair out ? Bloody hell yes. But my god its worth it. Like a roller coaster over a rainbow that one wheel is coming off and makes you feel sick....then bloody hell there is a pot of gold at the end of it.

BiggerBoat1 · 04/04/2021 18:10

Without doubt the best thing I ever did. Having children is exhausting, stressful and makes you skint but it gives you unimaginable highs and immense pride. I love my children more than anything in the world, I love their company and feel genuinely excited to see how their future pans out.
I feel my life would have lacked shape without children. It could have been lovely, but samey!

queenofthenorthwest · 04/04/2021 18:21

@BiggerBoat1

Without doubt the best thing I ever did. Having children is exhausting, stressful and makes you skint but it gives you unimaginable highs and immense pride. I love my children more than anything in the world, I love their company and feel genuinely excited to see how their future pans out. I feel my life would have lacked shape without children. It could have been lovely, but samey!
I feel like this exactly.

Best thing I ever did.

I was married when I had my daughter and I only got married because I was pregnant and I wanted the security. Financial protection also.

As it was he fucked me right over. I'd of been better off staying single and being a single parent. I was a single parent for the whole time we were married he was never there, didn't contribute financially and when I left completely fucked me over with the mortgage, doesn't pay CMS. We are now no contact due to threats, drunken abuse etc. The usual.

In hindsight, I had it and I didn't need him.

Should of never doubted myself.

babybythesea · 04/04/2021 18:22

I knew I wanted children from about the age of 14.
I waited until it was the right time, and I had done some of the things I wanted to with my life.
I don't feel as though I have lost myself with them - I have certainly given some things up - my career has gone on the back burner for instance. There are some days when it is undoubtedly hard.
But I would not change anything. I thoroughly enjoy being with my girls. I love their company, I want to be with them, and I want that more than a career. I still enjoy doing the things I enjoyed doing before I had them, and as they grow up I will go back to those things.

I remember back to the way I felt before I had them - the almost overwhelming jealousy I had of other people with children - that was worse than the hardest day with my kids.

But I always, always knew that I wanted to be a mother. if you don't have that feeling then I don't know if the good would outweigh the bad.

user1493413286 · 04/04/2021 18:27

I was happy pre children and I’m happy now I have children but life is that much harder. If you measure happiness by things like more money, satisfied with career, more carefree and a better relationship then no children wins but the enjoyment I get from my children makes me happy.
What I do know though is that, while I was happy before I had children, if I hadn’t been able to have them then I wouldn’t have been happy and the happiness I had from my childfree life wouldnt have been enough to outweigh my unhappiness at not being able to have children.

Mydogwalt · 04/04/2021 18:30

It’s so hard. So hard. But it’s honestly the most amazing thing. The sleepless nights are soooo hard but there are so many parts that are so rewarding. You learn so much and you grow with them in a way. They are expensive but i don’t care about having to give expensive things (like new clothes all the time and expensive holidays) up because you realise that these things really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

queenofthenorthwest · 04/04/2021 18:31

The hardest thing is as my DD gets older she needs me less and less.

I dread her ducking me off for her mates because I love spending time with her and just doing things but I also realise it's just her growing up.

Isababybel · 04/04/2021 18:42

Im one and done, and frequently wish i could go back in time.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 04/04/2021 18:44

I have 3. I regret it. If you're not feeling maternal, it's really not worth gambling your life and someone's else's to see if you'll change. It's perfectly fine to be childfree by choice.

Silverfly · 04/04/2021 18:51

I always wanted to have babies, so for me personally a childless life would have caused me a lot of sadness.

But if you're not sure, I'd say it's wiser not to. I think it's better to regret not having them than regret having them, because at least the. you won't have the feelings of guilt as well as the regret. Lots of women do secretly regret having kids (as many threads on here prove), even if they may not admit to it in real life.

Gruntwork · 04/04/2021 18:53

The hardest thing is as my DD gets older she needs me less and less.

I think this is very relevant. All the mystical stuff about pots of gold and feeling connected to humanity is all very well, but ultimately having kids is utterly banal. Your adorable little moppets will very soon have boring jobs, mortgages and anxiety disorders of their own and if you're lucky they'll only go LC, not NC because you looked at them funny once, or failed to fawn sufficiently over their ghastly DPs.

Mumoblue · 04/04/2021 19:01

Don’t have kids unless you want to have kids.
I knew what I was signing up for because I had a large part in raising my younger siblings (parents have MH issues) and I also worked with kids.
I always wanted kids and I enjoy looking after my son but it’s still hard work sometimes.

YogaLite · 04/04/2021 19:02

@Isababybel, yes, me too Sad
There may have been a bit of love early on but after dire diagnosis is guilt and more guilt. And doing everything I can to outlive DC.

dotdashdashdash · 04/04/2021 19:03

No. It's shit.

Holyforkingshirtball · 04/04/2021 19:04

@Bonariensis

Being a parent is relentless for many years and though I love my children I would not have had them if I had known what parenthood was really like. All too often raising children seems to mean the mother doing almost everything and losing herself under the sheer strain of it whilst the father progresses his career and moans that his wife no longer puts him first.
This pretty much sums up my feeling a lot of the time. I love my 2 children but there are days I want to run away. Mine are 5 & 2 and I really hope it gets better
Cam2020 · 04/04/2021 19:10

I was fairly ambivalent until i got to my early-mid 30s and had my daughter at 35. Even then, it was more if a case of knowing i didn't want to miss out on having children thsn an active desire to have one, if that makes sense.

I'm so, glad I had my daughter when I did. For me it was the perfect time and stage of my life and for me, yes, it is all its cracked up to be and more. It's bloody hard work and there are bloody hard days but i have never once yearned for my old life. People's experiences are vastly different though.

HamCob · 04/04/2021 19:10

I wasn't maternal (still not keen on other people's kids! Grin)
Had a good career and a great social life pre kids. I somehow knew though that I couldn't imagine a future without them, especially as my friends were all having babies.

My life changed beyond all recognition. I now work very part time and have a different circle of friends who I met through the DC...but it's great in a very different way that's hard to explain.

They are 5 and 9 now and my only regret is not having them a couple of years earlier as I'd love a 3rd but feel I'm too old at 40.

Luxembourgmama · 04/04/2021 19:11

I never liked anyone else's kids but mine are amazing. They make my life so so rich and happy. Best things I've done apart from meeting my husband.

Crikeymalikey · 04/04/2021 19:18

Being a mum to my children is what I will always be most grateful for in this life!
I couldn’t imagine my life without them, I feel incredibly lucky and blessed.
Each to their own though and maybe it’s not for some and that’s ok too!
I was young when I had my eldest (I was 18, he is now 15) so I’ve never been an adult without being a mum but I’m glad I had them when I did. If I was not a mum by now I wouldn’t even be here but even if I was I think I’d sorely regret it.
My brother and his partner on the other hand don’t ever want children. They both work long hours and taking covid out of the scenario they go abroad multiple times a year on very adult orientated holidays, spend allot of time with friends, go out for fancy food regularly and love going to gigs and shows etc so I don’t think they will regret not having children.

Chunkymenrock · 04/04/2021 19:20

Without a doubt, if I had realised the enormity of what I was taking on, and how it would ruin my entire life, I would definitely not have had children. The only reason you should have children is if you really, really want them. Things are never the same again, your time and money are taken from you and your future plans. I'm not explaining this well, but don't do it OP if you are content as you are. Its utterly, utterly relentless and you can't go back.

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