How can my 6 yr old cope with an ASD child in his class?

[Lyrasil]

Hello

My son is 6 and in his first year at primary school. He is experiencing difficulty with another child who seems to have ASD.
It began on his first day of school, he was pushed over and had his hands stood on. He is being pushed and punched on a daily basis. He doesn’t complain and tries to deal with it on his own. He’s come home and let his frustration out on us and has taken to punching us which he didn’t do before. He is being excluded from playing with other children possibly due to the attention he is receiving from this child, wherever he goes he is followed. I am under the impression this other child wants my son as his friend and is focused on him which is not being reciprocated for the above reasons.
We’ve spoken to the school on several occasions - with not much help and unsatisfactory response.
We have had a play date with the other child to help diffuse the situation.
I’ve tried coaching my son with anti bullying techniques to diffuse situations rather than escalate them.
It’s recently becoming apparent the other child may well have ASD (from another mother).
I have spoken to the other child’s mother in a friendly way and it seems he has an older brother with autism and has episodes of meltdowns involving punching, biting screaming.
I have spoken to my son about this situation and tried to explain that it’s not the child’s fault, try saying “that’s not very nice” and walk away - don’t run away. But equally if he does something nice then say “that’s nice” and stay near by, that way the other child might start to understand better how to behave with you.
We met up for a play date at the weekend and I interacted with both of the children by playing with them, cops and robbers, tig, running and chasing games. It was apparent to me the other child would chase but not be chased. I asked his mother if he didn’t like being chased. She said he doesn’t really know those games.
I’m at a loss of what to do to help my son now.
I’m frustrated that the school and his mother can’t are don’t feel able to be open with me about it. I’m frustrated that ASD in school comes with labels like bad behaviour and that the child with ASD gets extra support and all the resources that requires. I question why the rest of the children don’t get similar support in understanding ASD so they can form better relationships. I can’t find anything online to help my son manage this child.
I don’t see ASD as ‘bad behaviour’ it’s rather just badly managed by those with authority in schools. Forming and developing relationships can be tricky enough in the playground when your 6 yrs old. I just don’t know what the next steps could be to help my son and in the process help this other child without it being damaging/upsetting to anyone.
Please help me help my son.
Thank you

Look it’s okay to say you don’t want another kid attacking your son and making his life difficult, ASD or not. You don’t need to go to great lengths to seem aware of this boy’s potential difficulties. Your role here is to try and sort this out for your son. I’m a bit puzzled as to how you know all this, do you get all your info from what your son is telling you? I would urge you to have a meeting with his class teacher and get to the bottom of what is actually going on. If everything is as your son says it is, they need to keep an eye on him and appropriately deal with the boy when he is violent. I would also ask them to try to stop him following your son around as much and encourage him to play with some other kids.

You can talk with your son about different brains and ASD and so on. This is a reasonable video aimed at NT children about autism

However it is not your son's job to accommodate a child who is hurting him. Your son's responsibilities end at being kind - that is, not calling the other child unkind names or telling others not to play with him.

My DD has ASD and is very fixed on a friendship with one other child which is fortunately reciprocated. If it wasn't, and she was hurting the other child, I would understand if the school separated them. Is that a possibility?

You speak to the school and ask what they are going to do to safe guard your son? That your son is being targeted by one child in an unhealthy way and they have a duty of care to his needs and that he is looked after physically and emotionally whilst there.

You may need to raise this multiple times but the school must take action for the sake of both DC.

Is moving class or schools an option?

Yes my son is able to talk to me and tell me what’s happening to him, sometimes it takes him time to share with me. His first day his knee was bleeding and he had a hole in his school trousers so we had to ask and from there it’s been piecing things together. He didn’t know the children’s names to begin with so there was only so much he could share. It’s been an emotional ride and yes I’ve been angry and upset and as you say not wanting my son to get assaulted on a daily basis. But at the same time as more information comes to light it helps in understanding and it’s not a simple case of bullying. It’s getting the right strategy to help diffuse the situation and build relationships. My son is trying really hard to make friends in a very clique environment. We are newcomers to a village so he doesn’t have established relationships like the other children do.

My son has asd and I think you sound like a really caring, understanding and kind person. BUT I fully expect my son to be punished in the same way as a neurotypical child would in these circumstances. The school aren't safe guarding your son or watching the child with asd closely enough. You need to make sure the school knows every time your son gets hurt, it could even lead to the other child getting more support and therapies to help him.

I don’t see ASD as ‘bad behaviour’ it’s rather just badly managed by those with authority in schools

Wow. Fucking hell it’s a good job people like you deign to see kids with ASD as not being “badly behaved” OP, they can benefit from your non-judgemental wisdom can’t they.

We had this very same situation with DS when he was in Y3. A child with ASD and a very difficult family situation was completely fixated on DS. The child wanted to play but would frequently end up kicking, biting, throwing objects (including chairs) at DS, teachers and other pupils. DS at first tried to play and be kind, but he was coming home from school every day in tears with scratches and bruises, and sleeping very poorly.

The school were categorically useless at dealing with it. They kept pushing DS to spend time with this child, putting the two of them together at lunchtime and seated next to each other in class to try to make the child happier (and their days easier I imagine). DS was terrified of him but when he tried to tell his teacher about it all she would say was "oh, but you and... are best friends aren't you!" When we made formal complaints and had meetings with the Head we were made to feel like we were being unhelpful and unreasonable. We had simply requested that they be kept apart some of the time so that DS could play with others and develop some more healthy relationships, and that we were unhappy with the daily violence. DS's class teacher actually said "oh, but if I can't sit them together it will make things really difficult for me".

It went on for most of the school year and we were in the process of transferring DS to another school when the child's circumstances changed and they left the school. So, I don't have any real advice for you OP but I would say to carry on being firm but kind, and insist that your child is kept safe. I had to quote the school's own safeguarding policy back at them several times.

Just organise as many play dates as you can with other DC to help strengthen different friendships.

DC change their friendships fairly often and no matter how much the current parents try to cling on to their DC friendships it will change.

I wouldnt continue play dates with this DC if he's upsetting your DS no matter how well intentioned you're being.

Just imagine how confused and upset your poor DS is that you're making him hang out with his bully outside of school.

Your son should never be hit. However, this is probably not a situation where the other mum can counsel her child outside school to behave differently inside school, as you're doing with your son. The other child needs a 121 to supervise and guide him through interactions in the playground. The more info you pass back to the school, the more likely that is to happen. You're helping both kids by making a fuss to the school. Don't worry so much about offending people.

Stop engaging. Don't have play dates with a child your child first like, ASD or not. Encourage other friendships. Speak to school and ask for them to be separated. Tell school you don't want the friendship encouraged. Try and encourage other friendship by having other children over for play dates. Tell school you want other friendships encouraged.

Start getting your son to stand up for himself. Say no. And go and play with someone else.

My DD has ASD and unfortunately in year one became very fixated on certain people in her class especially what type of coat they were wearing and kept trying to hug children which didn't go down too well.
The school were very strong about it and made her a number of social stories about appropriate behaviour.
She also didn't go out to play with other children and had to sit in the Senco's office and play there at luchtime or was supervised by a teacher/lunch time supervisor until she thankfully stopped.
I think it sounds like you are doing all you can and had been incredibly accommodating but really the school should be ensuring that your son is safe. I'm surprised at their lack of support to you.

I'd focus on your DCs needs and let the other child's mother do the same. It isn't your DCs responsibility to manage anyone's behaviour, that's the schools responsibility and he is just a child.

I don't have experience of this but my Dd has had a few friendship issues and other challenges. In one case I regret not sticking up for her more. My feeling is that it's your job to protect and stick up for your little boy. I think at 6 it's fair to expect him to be kind, but not to form a close friendship with this boy if he doesn't want to. Especially not if its to his detriment. I would set some play dates up with other kids. And speak to the school and ask them to separate them.

I’m frustrated that the school and his mother can’t are don’t feel able to be open with me about it. I’m frustrated that ASD in school comes with labels like bad behaviour and that the child with ASD gets extra support and all the resources that requires.

You want the school to “be open” with you and discuss another pupil’s personal information?

You think it’s appropriate to gossip and speculate about possible underlying diagnoses at the school gate?!

You certainly shouldn’t be approaching his mother or arranging play dates so that you can stage amateur assessments of her child.

And did you really just call a person an “ASD child” in your thread title? Unfuckingbelievable.

Oh and you’re the one applying “bad behaviour” labels to specific diagnoses. Inaccurately, actually.

You go to school staff ONLY to address specific behaviours or incidents ONLY, you stop gossiping and you leave children and parents alone.

If the school find out what you’ve been up to they will not be happy with you.

If I was a parent in the playground I would avoid you and child like the plague.

You need to focus less on the needs of the other child and more on your son. The other child has his parents and the school to support him yet you're setting up play dates with a child who behaves violently towards your son. Its great that you are trying to get your son to understand but he also needs to be able to enforce his boundaries and not play with someone who hurts him. Dd was pushed over by a much older child at nursery. We have talked about it but as a result she doesn't want to play with him and that's fine by me. If someone much bigger pushed me over and frightened me I wouldn't want to play with them either. Your son needs you to place him at the centre, not the other child (who has his own parents for that). Does your son want a friendship with this boy or would be rather work on strategies to find some separation and make other friends? He sounds very unhappy if he is now punching you at home

@MabelPines

Protect your child and insist the school keep him away from the other child. Your son is not equipped to deal with this at all. We had a girl with special needs living nearby growing up and we were terrified of her. She was extremely aggressive and way bigger than a lot of us were. Even when I see her to this day I get anxious.

There is some bad advice on this thread. Do NOT talk to your 6 year old about ASD / different brains - you have not been told the dc has a dx by someone reliable and the dc probably doesn’t know themselves. It would be hugely inappropriate to do that.

My ND dc was like the hitting dc when a bit younger (around 4/5) and school dealt with it really well - dc grew out of hitting and while still socially awkward now has good friends. I’ve got a younger NT dc as well who has been on the receiving end of behaviour like this from a friend’s dc, so I do understand.

What you need to do is treat the hitting as you would any other hitting. You need to tell school that the hitting is severely impacting your dc. Ask to know in detail how they plan to safeguard him (not mentioning the other dc at all). Tell your dc to walk away when there is hitting and to only play with the dc in question when there is no hitting, as I think you are doing. Build relationships with other children by play dates with them.

I’m concerned you say your own dc is now hitting at home. I would deal with that very strictly - use your words, kind hands only etc. I totally appreciate it is what he’s seeing and that he’s angry due to his treatment but I would still treat it behaviour management wise as I would with any hitting as I’m sure you are.

Your osn needs to be protected here and his boundaries respected without any of the weird gaslighting type encouragement that makes him have to accommodate being hit, abused and ostracised under the guise of being kind.

It sounds like your more concerned about the other childs safety and well-being than your own son!

It’s not your sons responsibility to ensure the happiness, ease or structure of someone else’s life. That includes your life or the boys.

Stick up for your son! Making him go on play dates with a kid that hits him daily!....grow some balls!

I would email the head, say it is a formal complaint and ask her/him to make it stop.

I would also look for another school.

I don’t really agree with that. Supervising the kids concerned playing together on play dates out of school can sometimes help straighten this in school stuff out.

But I would personally concentrate on other play dates as well

That was in response to @Magnificentmug12