How can my 6 yr old cope with an ASD child in his class?

[Lyrasil]

Hello

My son is 6 and in his first year at primary school. He is experiencing difficulty with another child who seems to have ASD.
It began on his first day of school, he was pushed over and had his hands stood on. He is being pushed and punched on a daily basis. He doesn’t complain and tries to deal with it on his own. He’s come home and let his frustration out on us and has taken to punching us which he didn’t do before. He is being excluded from playing with other children possibly due to the attention he is receiving from this child, wherever he goes he is followed. I am under the impression this other child wants my son as his friend and is focused on him which is not being reciprocated for the above reasons.
We’ve spoken to the school on several occasions - with not much help and unsatisfactory response.
We have had a play date with the other child to help diffuse the situation.
I’ve tried coaching my son with anti bullying techniques to diffuse situations rather than escalate them.
It’s recently becoming apparent the other child may well have ASD (from another mother).
I have spoken to the other child’s mother in a friendly way and it seems he has an older brother with autism and has episodes of meltdowns involving punching, biting screaming.
I have spoken to my son about this situation and tried to explain that it’s not the child’s fault, try saying “that’s not very nice” and walk away - don’t run away. But equally if he does something nice then say “that’s nice” and stay near by, that way the other child might start to understand better how to behave with you.
We met up for a play date at the weekend and I interacted with both of the children by playing with them, cops and robbers, tig, running and chasing games. It was apparent to me the other child would chase but not be chased. I asked his mother if he didn’t like being chased. She said he doesn’t really know those games.
I’m at a loss of what to do to help my son now.
I’m frustrated that the school and his mother can’t are don’t feel able to be open with me about it. I’m frustrated that ASD in school comes with labels like bad behaviour and that the child with ASD gets extra support and all the resources that requires. I question why the rest of the children don’t get similar support in understanding ASD so they can form better relationships. I can’t find anything online to help my son manage this child.
I don’t see ASD as ‘bad behaviour’ it’s rather just badly managed by those with authority in schools. Forming and developing relationships can be tricky enough in the playground when your 6 yrs old. I just don’t know what the next steps could be to help my son and in the process help this other child without it being damaging/upsetting to anyone.
Please help me help my son.
Thank you

You need to ask for a meeting with the school to discuss what they are going to do to keep your child safe. Beforehand, go through their discipline and bullying policies carefully and challenge them on how they are implementing them. Make a note of everything that is agreed and write to them afterwards confirming it. If they're shrugging their shoulders and saying they haven't get enough staffing, point out that that isn't an excuse, and maybe that they could look to get extra funding via an EHCP for the other child. Be very clear that the bottom line is that your child being injured by another is simply not acceptable.

@Conditionconditioncondition that is a really odd comment. I used to tell off my asd dc for behaviour in school until I was firmly told off by the HT. She said it is not best practice with young dc with asd for them to be punished twice for behaviour in the school setting. She said school behaviour is best dealt with in school. As she pointed out, you don’t come into school in the morning and say to the teacher ‘can you please tell off dc for doing something before school this morning’.

Communication is good but double punishing is inappropriate. It’s also completely counterproductive for many dc with ASD as a lot of the behaviour issues are triggered by fear/anxiety. So if the parents take away down time at home by punishment again for behaviour already punished at school the dc may actually behave worse the next day at school than if that day at home was a calm down time.

Stop worrying about the other child and focus on your own. Your child is being hit and harassed by this child. I would be at the school daily asking the teacher what they are doing to safeguard my child, it is unacceptable regardless of what additional needs they may or may not have.

Sorry I haven't read all replies.

@Lyrasil - you need to talk to the school again. The school has a duty of care towards your child. It's also a safeguarding issue.
We were in a similar (& very frustrating) situation with DS (5/6 at the time) and an other child that was clearly overwhelmed with being in mainstream school.
In the end we requested a meeting with the head teacher, head of year and class teacher to discuss the issue of keeping DS safe.
We were not the only parents that logged complains and the child in question was eventually excluded from school after 18months of terrorising other children.
And before anyone jumps in me, no sympathy from me if children hurt / bully others, whatever the reason. And no, the school did not fail the child in question, some children with additional needs can't cope with mainstream school.

@RickiTarr of course you let the school deal with issues going on at school but OP has already done that and didn't get anywhere. So what now? Just leave it at that and say she tried and let her DC to become completely miserable?

Things going on at school can lead to how DC behaves and acts at home and I would want to be involved in resolving the issues and not just leaving them to the school (that clearly can't be arsed dealing with it!)

Agree that speculation into individuals isn't going to help however is it a bad thing to teach children that some people are different to others (presuming no names were mentioned)?

@MabelPines

I don’t see ASD as ‘bad behaviour’ it’s rather just badly managed by those with authority in schools

Wow. Fucking hell it’s a good job people like you deign to see kids with ASD as not being “badly behaved” OP, they can benefit from your non-judgemental wisdom can’t they.

Did you mean to be so rude?

The OP is trying to help her son be inclusive and support his friend to learn how to interact nicely.
I wish more kids had been encouraged to do this to my autistic DS (who was never violent - just different).

She is right he should be getting more support and agree with other posters that includes making sure his peers aren't being hurt by him.

I'd write to HT. let them know that your son is being hurt and list some examples.

Ask them specifically what they are going to do to stop the students being hurt and also to make sure the whole class can play together safely. It sounds like some group PSHE lessons would be really helpful here.

This happened with my DD in y2. A boy with extra needs was bothering her in the playground - following her and upsetting her - i had to 'bring it to the heads attention' many times. Turns out he was getting all the help they could give and was being supported with extra 1:1 supervision in the yard but the staff member assigned to him wasn't doing their job.

You sound like a very understanding person, but as other posters have said, your job is to stand up for your own son. I would invite other children over for play dates, to make sure he is making other friends, ones that treat him well and do not hurt him. I know this will be a controversial thing to say, but I personally think children with behavioural problems as bad as this should be in much smaller classes so teachers are better able to provide for their needs. I know they need to learn how to integrate with other children, but it is just not fair on the rest of the class. I'm not trying to be offensive, but I honestly think special schools are needed in some cases because they can actually help these children to make progress while also protecting other children.

The school should handle this and I would keep telling the teacher what happened every day , they have a duty to safeguard all children . If the situation continues I would see the HT. The school are at fault

Mea culpa, I misread the OP and thought it was the child's mother who said he had ASD, not another mother. If that is just rumour from another parent then that obviously shouldn't be repeated to OP's own son!

I think if the school are not doing anything despite you're concerns then you need to get ofsted involved. Its a safeguarding issue. On that note I'd also request if these incidents are being logged on CPOMs system as they should be doing this anyway.

OP I've been on both sides of this one! (Often the way if you have a non neurotypicak child as they can get picked on)

Sorry you had quite a lot of bickering on this thread.

From the experience of one child making my DSs life hell throughout primary, and of my own DSs issues with anxiety and negotiating social situations where other children would consistently find his weak spots and trigger meltdowns I can see both sides.
Put your stuck record hat on and repeat "how are you going to safeguard my child"??? That is all you need to say. If you want to add in that you understand another child Amy have some issues and that you wish him to be supported feel free; but intimately "how are you going to safeguard my child".

This gives them useful input too because they will need to fund support for this child and they will need evidence for that - if the answer to your question is "we can't safeguard other children" then they can feed that into getting support in.

So you are winning all round by asking this question

OP I am sorry this is happening to your son. I don't think it's your place to label, or try to label another child. Anything could be going on there.
You need to focus on your own son and try to get this sorted from your end. I would arrange a meeting with the head teacher snd class teacher again and try to get this dieted once and for all

[quote soditall56]@RickiTarr of course you let the school deal with issues going on at school but OP has already done that and didn't get anywhere. So what now? Just leave it at that and say she tried and let her DC to become completely miserable?

Things going on at school can lead to how DC behaves and acts at home and I would want to be involved in resolving the issues and not just leaving them to the school (that clearly can't be arsed dealing with it!)

Agree that speculation into individuals isn't going to help however is it a bad thing to teach children that some people are different to others (presuming no names were mentioned)?[/quote]
Of course you don’t leave it, you can escalate it to written complaint or even to the school governors if it became a necessary.

What you don’t do is listen to gossip, pass on gossip, take it onto your hands to resolve it with the parents in question or expect the “school to be open with me about it”. You respect the privacy aspects and school’s authority and you keep throwing the incidents back up the school.

It’s really not complicated, and there are procedures to follow when school’s shirk their responsibilities.

@RickiTarr 👍🏼

Thanks @soditall56

I love it when everyone suddenly gets really polite.

Fuck me. We suspect that we will get an ASD diagnosis for our son. Your post makes me want to weep for the future of my child.

itsgettingwierd

Did you mean to be so rude ?

What an odd question, of course I meant to be rude otherwise I wouldn’t have written what i did !

@Springb0ks

Fuck me. We suspect that we will get an ASD diagnosis for our son. Your post makes me want to weep for the future of my child.

Most people are much more civilised than OP & some of the vicious entities on this thread. Thank goodness.

@Springb0ks don’t be sad and sending you an un mn hug. Come over to sn children and sn chat and start a thread or join the regular pub chat there to talk to people who understand

I work with ASD children, and it has been known for them to fixate on certain children. It is unacceptable for your child to be treated like this, and you will have to be firmer with the school.
Does the boy receive 1:1 support?

Not liking the sweeping statements re children with ASC on this thread. ASC varies hugely in how it presents and the suggestion that other children automatically need special support if they have a child with ASC( or any other SEN)in their class is more than a little offensive. I have 2 children with ASC who would never say boo to a goose in school. I’ve also worked with many children who have ASC. Can’t remember any time it was such an issue that special support for the whole class was needed. Classes contain a huge variety of behaviour and learning issues caused by a variety of things.

I would also like to suggest that op you may not be getting the full story from your dc. 6 year olds don’t always relay things 100% correctly.He needs to speak to teachers if he is getting pushed and punched on a daily basis. Only staff will be able to unpick what is happening and can then deal with it. You judge the child for not liking to be chased, lots of children don’t. Maybe your son is trying to get him to be chased and he is reacting.

You simply need to speak to his teacher and say he doesn’t want to keep playing with him and relay the allegations re being pushed and punched. They can monitor it. Whether or not he has ASC is none of your business and there is absolutely no need to try and make his ASC( if he has it) into a massive issue.

sorry wrong thread will report.