How can my 6 yr old cope with an ASD child in his class?

[Lyrasil]

Hello

My son is 6 and in his first year at primary school. He is experiencing difficulty with another child who seems to have ASD.
It began on his first day of school, he was pushed over and had his hands stood on. He is being pushed and punched on a daily basis. He doesn’t complain and tries to deal with it on his own. He’s come home and let his frustration out on us and has taken to punching us which he didn’t do before. He is being excluded from playing with other children possibly due to the attention he is receiving from this child, wherever he goes he is followed. I am under the impression this other child wants my son as his friend and is focused on him which is not being reciprocated for the above reasons.
We’ve spoken to the school on several occasions - with not much help and unsatisfactory response.
We have had a play date with the other child to help diffuse the situation.
I’ve tried coaching my son with anti bullying techniques to diffuse situations rather than escalate them.
It’s recently becoming apparent the other child may well have ASD (from another mother).
I have spoken to the other child’s mother in a friendly way and it seems he has an older brother with autism and has episodes of meltdowns involving punching, biting screaming.
I have spoken to my son about this situation and tried to explain that it’s not the child’s fault, try saying “that’s not very nice” and walk away - don’t run away. But equally if he does something nice then say “that’s nice” and stay near by, that way the other child might start to understand better how to behave with you.
We met up for a play date at the weekend and I interacted with both of the children by playing with them, cops and robbers, tig, running and chasing games. It was apparent to me the other child would chase but not be chased. I asked his mother if he didn’t like being chased. She said he doesn’t really know those games.
I’m at a loss of what to do to help my son now.
I’m frustrated that the school and his mother can’t are don’t feel able to be open with me about it. I’m frustrated that ASD in school comes with labels like bad behaviour and that the child with ASD gets extra support and all the resources that requires. I question why the rest of the children don’t get similar support in understanding ASD so they can form better relationships. I can’t find anything online to help my son manage this child.
I don’t see ASD as ‘bad behaviour’ it’s rather just badly managed by those with authority in schools. Forming and developing relationships can be tricky enough in the playground when your 6 yrs old. I just don’t know what the next steps could be to help my son and in the process help this other child without it being damaging/upsetting to anyone.
Please help me help my son.
Thank you

Op just to come back to strategies for your dc. You mentioned your dc doesn’t complain- he needs to go to the staff present when this hitting is happening and one thing you can ask school to do to safeguard him is for them to tell him to come to staff when it’s happening

You can also ask what supervision is in place to safeguard your child.

Are you absolutely sure your dc isn’t hitting back in school if he’s hitting at home?

I have a 6yo with ASD. Thankfully almost all of his ‘undesirable’ behaviour happens at home, so school is a breeze. But I will stress this very clearly my child does not know that he is different - so far I have opted not to tell him, I know that at some point I will need to but right now I have made the decision not to. So you talking to your child about another person’s very private and confidential information is not ok

We have had some playground trouble, with another child, soon after starting school and before we had a dx. It was actually hell on Earth, so I do know where you are coming from. It took a lot of stress and time and energy. But this is what you need to do.

Approach the school about what is happening for your son. Don’t bring specifics about the other child into it at all. Ask for a meeting to discuss urgently, class teacher, head/deputy, senco are who I would want to meet. Ask for a plan on how they are going to monitor play and stop the physical incidents. These are a safeguarding issue and should be mitigated by tighter supervision for the other child. Focus on your child’s right to go to school and remain safe and happy.

For our child they kept a play diary where they observed playground happenings. And fwiw he is pretty much best friends with the other child now. They wind each other up into a frenzy (I do sometimes wonder whether the other child also has issues of their own, but it’s none of my business, I know them in passing, it’s not appropriate for them to share confidential medical information to appease my curiosity). Very few of our friends (aka other school parents) know of my child’s situation, and actually few would believe there is an issue because he presents fairly neurotypically a lot of the time.

The playdate strategy is all very well for kids who were previously friends and have had a minor falling out, less so here. I agree it would be better for this child to build up a variety of different friendships at this age.

Oh and I very much take the view that what happens at school is school’s problem. That includes when they talk to me about something my child has done. I’m interested in what happened/why/how it was dealt with, and I might discuss later if it came up. But I’m not going to punish him for school stuff, that’s school’s job. I will back them though.

And yes, focus on other friendships. Might be easier now with restrictions easing. Build a wider circle for your child and it will probably settle.

OP I think you are doing what we're supposed to do when someone has ASD and understand things from their point of view (or try to), to have empathy and/or compassion. I'm assuming this kid is actually in the spectrum. But the way you're talking about it is what I've seen people be told they should consider on Mumsnet and elsewhere.

It's with the best of intentions.

The trouble is it centres the ASD behaviours that are often causing some problem which is why it's being discussed in the first place. And then at the same time - as is said a few times on this thread - it's patronising to treat people with ASD any differently to people without.

But the bottom line is, this child's bags i our is of no consequence to you, other than how it impacts your son. You need to advocate for him and him alone, because nobody else is. It's not ok for him to be hurt at school because you think the other child can't help it. It's simply not ok.

If you want to help this situation, report to the school every time he tells you he's been hurt (by email so it's date stamped) and if there is any broken skin or bruising, take photos.

The school gave a duty of care to your son and the other child. You have a duty of care to your child only, in this situation. He needs to know that there are zero circumstances when it's "ok" for someone to hurt him.

I say this as someone with this similar problem within my own family.

*the bottom line is the child's behaviour...

@Springchickpea somewhat unrelated, but I talk to my son about why his friend with asd and the boy in his class with asd behave differently and "get" to have extra ipad time in lessons etc etc. Or why his friend wears nappies and is non verbal.

Why would you think this is not ok? Surely we need to explain to our children what disability and difference looks like, so that they can take it as the non emotive fact it is? What would you rather parents say?

Explaining disability and differences is great. Expecting a child to be involved in helping to manage the behaviour of another child is not. This boy needs a competent adult to help him interact and engage at school.

@GalesThisMorning I assume in the former case you know the family well enough to understand the situation and in the latter there is a visible cue to the situation. So yes, accepting and understanding diversity is important.

But in this case @Lyrasil is talking about something that is basically gossip. I would be furious if my child found out about his diagnosis from another child. We will choose the appropriate time as a family.

People bandy around the term ASD about children, forgetting that it is a formal medical diagnosis and therefore confidential information.

But I’m not going to punish him for school stuff, that’s school’s job

Ahhhhh the age old lazy parenting technique

I had to deal with this. The teacher used my dd to keep the other child calm and my dd was getting hurt on a weekly basis.

I reframed it around bullying and kept reminding the school of their duty of care, and recording all the occasions they’d fucked up and my dd got hurt.

@Conditionconditioncondition or perhaps it’s because for my child consequences need to be logical and time bound. We probably will talk about why he was in trouble and what happened and how he can do something differently next time. But I’m not going to dish out a sanction for something I wasn’t there for and might have been hours earlier.

Believe me, he gets plenty of consequences and discipline on my time.

Yes, make this about your son and him being safe in school. The other child's ASD or otherwise is not your issue. I can see you're trying to be kind, but just rehearse with your son telling the teacher every time. I think 6 is young to understand neurodiversity and too young to 'make allowances' - he needs to feel safe also.

DD has ASD and has never hit anyone. She's 7. She's been hit herself though, quite a few times. She's also academically able so doesn't get any extra support - 'kids with ASD' don't automatically get extra support. Don't make speculation about ASD the centre of this.

As others have said the child with ASD is not your responsibility, it doesn’t sound like the school have done much to support either child in this situation. We dithered with moving dc 2 from a class where she was unhappy and it’s the worst thing we could have done. It’d be easier to just move him.

Under no circumstances should a child endure being punched or kicked by anyone (NT or with SEN). The school have a duty of care to both children.

Email the head providing a factual bullet point diary of what’s been happening. Explain the impact on your son. Acting out at home and being isolated from his peers and having no time away from someone hurting him. Explain that you’ve asked the class teacher to sort things out with no joy. Ask the head what strategies will be put in place as things can’t continue as they are. Your child’s well-being is being negatively effected.

@RickiTarr You certainly shouldn’t be approaching his mother

Really? Take the possible ASD out of the equation, she shouldn't approach the child's mother regarding possible bullying?

I think your whole response is dickish.

OP is trying to deal with this best she can using information she has about the child's behaviour as her son has described it as well as information she's been told by a parent. Yes maybe at this point it might be speculation but surely this info weather ASD or not is helping deal with the situation more sensitively?

Best just leave her son to be miserable at school? Nice job!

@karmaviolet that video is really good thank you for posting that!

[quote soditall56]**@RickiTarr* You certainly shouldn’t be approaching his mother*

Really? Take the possible ASD out of the equation, she shouldn't approach the child's mother regarding possible bullying?

I think your whole response is dickish.

OP is trying to deal with this best she can using information she has about the child's behaviour as her son has described it as well as information she's been told by a parent. Yes maybe at this point it might be speculation but surely this info weather ASD or not is helping deal with the situation more sensitively?

Best just leave her son to be miserable at school? Nice job! [/quote]
Of course you don’t approach other parents to resolve contentious issues such as bullying or to address hitting or anything else that may cause friction or be considered a discipline issue. Any teacher will tell you that. Any problem, you go through the school. That’s the appropriate channel.

Equally, you don’t guess, infer or gossip about a pupil’s private information. Any more than you’d want that to be done about your child or family.

You’re incredibly rude for someone who can’t grasp the simple principle that the school handles the problems.

The school should start by seating your son away from the boy in class. They will still have a lot of contact throughout the day anyway. This will give both children a chance to make new relationships. Ask for them to pair your son with other children at break times also. Ask your son who he would like to play with and ask the school to enable this. The school break time supervisors need to support the boy to engage appropriately with others. It might be that he needs a physical outlet - so something like football which has the additional aspect of social skills, working together

The issue is most schools really don’t know how to deal with pupils that don’t fit the norm.
It is their responsibility to get themselves up to date with training in order for them to support the pupil ,families and infact the whole school community.
We do not know if the pupil has been diagnosed with anything yet speculations might not be useful.
The school is most likely getting additional funding it should be used wisely for the purpose it’s for .
Most likely the pupil might need another educational setting .its a mess for all concerned.
You are a very thoughtful parent but it’s not your responsibility to deal with this.
It’s unfair,the school must take responsibility.

DD has ASD and has never hit anyone. She's 7. She's been hit herself though, quite a few times. She's also academically able so doesn't get any extra support - 'kids with ASD' don't automatically get extra support. Don't make speculation about ASD the centre of this.

Quite.

@RickiTarr

I’m frustrated that the school and his mother can’t are don’t feel able to be open with me about it. I’m frustrated that ASD in school comes with labels like bad behaviour and that the child with ASD gets extra support and all the resources that requires.

You want the school to “be open” with you and discuss another pupil’s personal information?

You think it’s appropriate to gossip and speculate about possible underlying diagnoses at the school gate?!

You certainly shouldn’t be approaching his mother or arranging play dates so that you can stage amateur assessments of her child.

And did you really just call a person an “ASD child” in your thread title? Unfuckingbelievable.

Oh and you’re the one applying “bad behaviour” labels to specific diagnoses. Inaccurately, actually.

You go to school staff ONLY to address specific behaviours or incidents ONLY, you stop gossiping and you leave children and parents alone.

If the school find out what you’ve been up to they will not be happy with you.

If I was a parent in the playground I would avoid you and child like the plague.

The advice is usually to let the school deal with issues and contact parents. However if you’ve got a good relationship with parents and can talk things through without upset either side then chatting directly with parents can be positive.

The school shouldn’t discuss the other boys Diagnosis with you. That’s confidential and non of your business. It is appropriate for you to detail the poor behaviour that is impacting your son and the school should tackle it fully.

I agree with @Palaver1. Unfortunately for children who require additional support the process is so long and arduous, in the interim the child is unsupported in a setting that can’t adequately meet their needs due to a lack of training and or funding. Its so detrimental to all involved.