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Original poster

Is it wrong that my step kids call me mum?

73 replies

AnnaSerena · 22/03/2021 20:55

I've been with my husband 3 years (but only married recently). He has two kids aged 6 and 4. My husband's previous marriage had broken down before the youngest was born, and the kids mum decided she couldn't cope and left a few months after that. We were very careful to introduce our relationship slowly to the kids, but we've never had any issues. They both call me mum, which I love but neither me nor my husband ever told them too. Today when I picked them up from school one of the other parents told me as a stepmum I'm wildly over stepping and damaging the kids health by calling myself their mum, especially if there biological mum comes back. Considering their mum has chosen not to be in their lives, am I right to have filled that role? Or am I actually causing them harm?

OP posts:
ToastandJamandTea · 22/03/2021 20:58

A parent walked up to you in a school playground with social distancing, masks etc just to tell you that? Hmm

00100001 · 22/03/2021 21:01

I think it's fine

they know you;re not their bio mum, but you are in every other sense?

Greycurtainswithdiamonf · 22/03/2021 21:04

When I saw the thread title I thought that their mother was still in their lives. But she’s not. You’re the only mum the can remember. You are their mum.

If their mother does get involved later I’m sure you can sort the names between you.

IMO the school mum over stepped the Mark. None of her business. Maybe she has step parent issues of her own but not your problem.

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Families
Spillanelle · 22/03/2021 21:07

Someone actually came over specifically to say that to you?

Is their mum in their life at all? From your OP it sounds like she left when they were tiny and if that’s the case you’re the only mum they’ve really known, particularly the 4 year old. I think it would be more cruel to stop them from calling you that if thats what they want.

I think it would be good to also just be honest with them and let them know that they can call you what they want and if they later change their minds and want to stop calling you mum, that’s fine too.

LudoBear · 22/03/2021 21:07

My (step) niece calls my brother dad. Her bio dad never met her and is now dead. My brother and her mum aren't even together anymore but she still stays at my brothers every weekend. She's 16 now but my brother has been her dad since she was 2.

CarrotIsApple · 22/03/2021 21:10

Hmm I wouldn't want that

Somethingkindaoooo · 22/03/2021 21:11

I think its lovely that they feel safe and secure enough with you to call you mum
Flowers

Original poster
AnnaSerena · 22/03/2021 21:11

Yeah, she said she was only saying it because she's concerned for the kids wellbeing. It's not the first time another parents made a comment to me that's somewhat inappropriate. But this one really got to me.

OP posts:
sanfranfibber · 22/03/2021 21:13

@CarrotIsApple

Hmm I wouldn't want that
If you'd walked out on your kids it wouldn't really matter what you wanted
MazekeenSmith · 22/03/2021 21:13

YANBU
To them you are their mum. Have you applied for PR? You really should in case you and their dad split at any point

gottakeeponmovin · 22/03/2021 21:16

I don't think it's anyone else's business. I had a friend at school who called her step dad Dad. He brought her up, she considers him her Dad. When she was old enough she changed her name to his and he walked her down the aisle. You have effectively adopted the child. I would tell that woman to butt out

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 21:18

How do they even know that you aren’t the bio mum? Or that you haven’t adopted them legally?

She walked out on they when the youngest was a few months old right?

Why is it even these randomers business?

“It’s none of your business what these children choose to call me. I’ve been in their lives longer than their biological mother and I’m the one raising them. Thanks for your concern but you are actually being very rude and hurtful. Please stop drawing attention to our family.”

Sandsnake · 22/03/2021 21:18

It might sound strange, but to me it would depend on what would happen if you two were to hypothetically split up. If you would continue to play a key parental role in the children’s lives then I think it’s absolutely fine for them to call you Mum, as to all intents and purposes you are. If not, however, I think it’s best not to.

Obviously the other parent is way out of line!

00100001 · 22/03/2021 21:22

@Sandsnake

It might sound strange, but to me it would depend on what would happen if you two were to hypothetically split up. If you would continue to play a key parental role in the children’s lives then I think it’s absolutely fine for them to call you Mum, as to all intents and purposes you are. If not, however, I think it’s best not to.

Obviously the other parent is way out of line!

well, same could be said for any bio parent that fucks off and dumps their kid - surely?

they lose the "right" to be called Mum/Dad.

Tavannach · 22/03/2021 21:22

It’s none of her business and just plain ignorant to presume that it’s not the kids’ choice.
Perhaps you could consider adopting them some time in the future.

May17th · 22/03/2021 21:23

I don’t know how I feel about this OP. You are not their mum.

You have been married 3 years. The thing is if you split up would with your husband would you still be their “mum”.

There’s probably more to this too OP. Why would any mum come up to you at the school and assume your not the bio mother anyway?

The youngest would of been 12 months old your husband jumped ship pretty quick when you two got marriedConfused

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 21:28

@May17th

I don’t know how I feel about this OP. You are not their mum.

You have been married 3 years. The thing is if you split up would with your husband would you still be their “mum”.

There’s probably more to this too OP. Why would any mum come up to you at the school and assume your not the bio mother anyway?

The youngest would of been 12 months old your husband jumped ship pretty quick when you two got marriedConfused

Have you actually read the OP?

They’ve only married recently

But got together 3 years ago and took things slow with the children.

The marriage was over during the pregnancy and the biological mother walked out when the youngest was a few months old.

Piss poor excuse of a “mum”.

And being a “mum” is not just biology. It’s OP who has stepped in as mum and the children who choose to identify her as such.

Orchidflower1 · 22/03/2021 21:32

Rude of the other mum.

The dc can call you whatever you agree as a family.....If that’s her royal highness pickle bum that is nobodies business but your family.

TheChip · 22/03/2021 21:33

While I dont think you are in the wrong here and the school mum is. I find it odd. More so from the dad, to be quite happy and at ease for you to take that title. Fair enough once you got married but beforehand seems really strange. Especially only after 3 years

Norwaydidnthappen · 22/03/2021 21:34

If their Mum was in the picture then you’d be unreasonable to accept them calling you Mum but since she isn’t, I don’t think this is unreasonable at all.

Frik · 22/03/2021 21:35

A parent walked up to you in a school playground with social distancing, masks etc just to tell you that

We don't know anyone who social distances, masks yes, but in OUR opinion, a lot people don't bother to social distance, us included. Why do posters have to bring "covid" into everything Hmm

oldshoeuk · 22/03/2021 21:36

My brother and I were extremely young, I don't recall the exact age, when we both agreed to promote our step-dad to dad. He was the only father figure we had and stayed in the job until his death. That was our choice as children and we never regretted it. We always agreed that the doing was far more important than the biology.

blackrimmedspecs · 22/03/2021 21:36

Why would the school mum think it's her place? Are they are relative? Seems very odd way to behave.

Vierty · 22/03/2021 21:36

My step sisters call my dad, “dad”. They always had contact with their father but my dad took on the parent role and they chose to call him that. They’re now in their 40’s and he’s still dad to them. My dad never asked them to call him that, I call my SM by her name but I see why the children call you that. If it works for you that’s fine. Children see you as their mum, they don’t have another min in their lives so it makes absolute sense to them. Quite frankly if their mother isn’t in their lives through her own choice she doesn’t get to have exclusivity in the name

May17th · 22/03/2021 21:37

@NameChangedForThisFeb21 yes I did. The youngest is 4. OP must of started dating their father when the baby was 12 months old.

Yes they have only married recently... however they STILL dated before hand right?

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