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Original poster

Is it wrong that my step kids call me mum?

73 replies

AnnaSerena · 22/03/2021 20:55

I've been with my husband 3 years (but only married recently). He has two kids aged 6 and 4. My husband's previous marriage had broken down before the youngest was born, and the kids mum decided she couldn't cope and left a few months after that. We were very careful to introduce our relationship slowly to the kids, but we've never had any issues. They both call me mum, which I love but neither me nor my husband ever told them too. Today when I picked them up from school one of the other parents told me as a stepmum I'm wildly over stepping and damaging the kids health by calling myself their mum, especially if there biological mum comes back. Considering their mum has chosen not to be in their lives, am I right to have filled that role? Or am I actually causing them harm?

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 22/03/2021 21:38

Of course you aren't, it's great for them.

The school mum is being bonkers and so are a few on here. But so the children feel fully secure as they get older would you be able to formally adopt them? - or is the biological mother still lurking in the background? It's not essential, but it would be a bonus.

Ignore the fuckwittery.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2021 21:39

Do what works for your family. “I didn’t ask for your opinion, this is none of your business” to anyone who gives you grief.

What do they know of their mother? Has she had no contact at all since the younger was born? Are you planning to adopt them? Why do other parents know you’re not their biological mum?

StripeyDeckchair · 22/03/2021 21:40

My husband is called Dad by my eldest two who are not his biological children. I left their father when they were 18 months old and he chose to stop any contact by the time they were 3.
DH has been a father to them, he's stayed up with them when they were ill, gone to school parents evenings, shows etc, stood on the sidelines at the weekend for various sports etc
He is meticulous in treating all four equally (we have 2 DC together). The DTs chose to call him Dad - I can remember his joy & amazement the first time they did it.
What other people think is irrelevant we know what is going on in our home.
Good luck to you all.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2021 21:42

[quote May17th]@NameChangedForThisFeb21 yes I did. The youngest is 4. OP must of started dating their father when the baby was 12 months old.

Yes they have only married recently... however they STILL dated before hand right?[/quote]
Are single dads of babies and young children not allowed to date?

Do you tell the many women posting on here who started dating their DPs while pregnant by other men or with very young babies off for doing the same thing?

He didn’t leave her. She left him, the child and the new baby. How is any of this his fault?

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 22/03/2021 21:46

[quote May17th]@NameChangedForThisFeb21 yes I did. The youngest is 4. OP must of started dating their father when the baby was 12 months old.

Yes they have only married recently... however they STILL dated before hand right?[/quote]
Well no, you said they’d MARRIED 3 years ago so you have changed your tune.

The children are in school. That means the youngest will be turning 5 at sometime in the next 5 months. The marriage broke down during pregnancy and she left “a few months after that”. So you can’t definitively state it was 12 months. And even if it was so what? A date after a year. Big deal. I think it’s pretty clear they’ve put the children first and you have no idea how they met. Maybe he wasn’t looking for a relationship but one showed up. Life happens. You have no reason to judge this family and it’s interesting that you are so eager to cast a bad light on this man and not the woman who abandoned a newborn and a toddler.

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 21:52

Just ensure that the DC know the truth that they have a Mum that gave birth to them but wasn't able to look after them. Show them photos. At some random point they may ask questions.

Don't make it a big thing just let them know age appropriate truth.

You are their Mum btw.

Aimee1987 · 22/03/2021 21:57

I think when the biological parent is on the sceen and involved then its unreasonable to call step parents mum or dad. In the senario you've described it's totally understandable

annacondom · 22/03/2021 22:04

I think its lovely. Awful person sticking their nose in. They obviously see you as their mum.

Sanchez79 · 22/03/2021 22:04

It's perfectly fine that they call you Mum as long as you're not duping them into thinking you're their biological mummy.

You can explain to them that there are different types of Mums, that their birth Mum (or Tummy Mummy or whatever other language you think will help them understand) isn't able to care for them, and that you are the Mummy who cares for them and brings them up together with their Dad in your special family unit. I dare say if you posted this on the adoption board you'd get some helpful advice.

Doyoumind · 22/03/2021 22:11

I can't understand why it would be raised as an issue when their real mum isn't on the scene. Why shouldn't they be like the other children and have a mum? It's more damaging for them to feel abandoned and like they have no mum.

bobsandbits · 22/03/2021 22:26

Of course it's fine they call you mum because you are their mum.

Parents come in different forms and thank goodness they do. What would we do with out the adoptive parents, step parents, long term foster parents etc. Their would be a Heap of children missing out on love and being cared for.

Dorchester · 22/03/2021 22:35

It’s absolutely none of her business. How dare she! I think it’s great that your SC call you Mum. They must have accepted you very well and it shows that you have a very good relationship with them. Tell her that.

FlyingByTheSeatof · 22/03/2021 22:45

What a bitch.

If two small children love you enough to call you their mum then that's all that matters. And also what matters is that you let them and you feel like a loving family. Ignore all the weirdos who think otherwise.

BattlestarGelato · 22/03/2021 22:47

"I didn't choose it, they did".

Keep doing what you're doing. You sound like a lovely mum.

fairynick · 22/03/2021 22:50

Growing up I knew a girl who called her stepdad dad AND her dad was still in the picture.
She lived in the home with her stepdad and her half siblings called him dad of course, she only saw her bio dad a few times a year so didn’t have as much of a parental relationship.
As long as the children actually know the technicalities, then I think that as long as everyone is happy with the names they’re using, then it’s just something that’s really specific to each family.

Pebbledashery · 22/03/2021 22:55

If she's walked out on her kids and you've assumed the role of their mum and everything that comes with it and they actually want to call you mum without you encouraging it, then I think it's lovely and shows how much they think of you. If their mother comes back into their lives and they want to entertain a relationship with her then I'm sure you'll respect that.. But I think you're a lovely person for taking on someone else's kids and making them feel safe and secure enough to call you mum 😊. Do what works for your family.

FlibbertyGiblets · 22/03/2021 23:23

Nosey person!

Do you talk to the children about their Tummy Mummy, show them photos of her, and them with her, have you had advice from professionals about how to help the children process their trauma, therapeutic play etc?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 23:27

@CarrotIsApple

Hmm I wouldn't want that
So having abandoned your newborn and young child, you'd take umbrage with the woman who was helping care for them, raise them and pay for them being called Mom?
GrumpyHoonMain · 22/03/2021 23:28

If they see you as mum and you see them as yours then to protect them and you, I’d be pressing for adoption. It would give you rights in case the biological mother ever decided to take them back.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 23:31

[quote May17th]@NameChangedForThisFeb21 yes I did. The youngest is 4. OP must of started dating their father when the baby was 12 months old.

Yes they have only married recently... however they STILL dated before hand right?[/quote]
The relationship ended when she was pregnant. He started dating when the kid was 1. So he potentially didn't date for 14+ months after the relationship ended. What exactly is the issue with that?

Mom walks out on two babies and never sees them. Dad raises them, he's still at fault.

WetWeekends · 22/03/2021 23:34

“CarrotIsApple
hmm I wouldn't want that

If you'd walked out on your kids it wouldn't really matter what you wanted”

Well said!!!
My older Brother always called our Dad, Dad, he’s been his Dad since he was 1. His bio Dad has never met him, and lives half way round the world, if he’s even still alive. My Brother asked if he could call him Dad when he started school, and other kids were talking about their Dad’s. Why on earth would a loving step parent say no when the bio parent isn’t around, surely that would just be cruel?

AlexaShutUp · 22/03/2021 23:43

If you love and care for those children in the absence of their biological mother, and essentially fulfill the role of mum, then I think you are their mum. The alternative would be that they don't have a mum, which would be tragic.

I do think you should talk to them about their "other mum", show pictures, explain in a child-friendly, appropriate way. It's important that they know the truth. But beyond that, I think they can call you whatever they like. It sounds like you have earned the title.

pabloescobarselasticband · 22/03/2021 23:43

Quite frankly its no ones business but yours! If the kids are happy, you are happy and your DH is happy then people are just looking for a problem where there isn't one. As for the mum at the school I would have to her to fuck off and keep her opinions to herself!

ginswinger · 23/03/2021 00:45

You are absolutely in the right here. Relationships come in many forms and we all need to respect that there's no one path to parenthood. If you had adopted the children, would that make you more of a mother? I doubt it.

The title infers a great deal of responsibility and the very fact you have accepted it and seem to be living up to the role is a great credit to you.

Babababababybelll · 23/03/2021 04:01

I hate the school run. Its right at the top of my shit list.