Is it wrong that my step kids call me mum?

[AnnaSerena]

I've been with my husband 3 years (but only married recently). He has two kids aged 6 and 4. My husband's previous marriage had broken down before the youngest was born, and the kids mum decided she couldn't cope and left a few months after that. We were very careful to introduce our relationship slowly to the kids, but we've never had any issues. They both call me mum, which I love but neither me nor my husband ever told them too. Today when I picked them up from school one of the other parents told me as a stepmum I'm wildly over stepping and damaging the kids health by calling myself their mum, especially if there biological mum comes back. Considering their mum has chosen not to be in their lives, am I right to have filled that role? Or am I actually causing them harm?

I think you are setting yourself up for heartbreak or worse. As they are not actually your dc you have no legal rights to them if the mum suddenly turns up or if you split with the dad. Sadly I've seen similar happen beforehand

My friends kids call her dp dad, they chose to - takes more than biology to be a parent! It's neither right nor wrong because it depends on your circumstances. I would ensure you both talk to the kids so they know a bit about their birth mum, keep it positive, show pictures and if applicable keep their maternal grandparents in their lives because it will be easier as they get older

[quote May17th]@NameChangedForThisFeb21 yes I did. The youngest is 4. OP must of started dating their father when the baby was 12 months old.

Yes they have only married recently... however they STILL dated before hand right?[/quote]
So FUCKING WHAT?

@May17th why are you determined to make the man the baddie?

Remember the bio mum.fucked off and abandoned her children.

If anyone is the baddie here, it's the the bio Mum.

D

I think it's lovely. This is your opportunity to find, and practice, a quick fire response. Eg "why on earth would you think your opinion was of any interest to me and my family"

My dc had school friends who lived 50:50 with "mum & dad" and "dad & mum". Their way of distinguishing in conversation between the two sets of bio:step parents. They just called whoever they were with mum and dad. It seemed to work well for them, they're all now adults with their own dc and no one is an axe murderer because of it.

How does the other mum even know ? In all the years I picked my son up from primary school, I was only on passing the time of day terms with most other parents ,I certainly didn't know the ins and outs of their relationships?

It would be really wrong if their mum was in the picture but as they have no contact with her I can see how the boundary can get blurred. Do you know why she left and stopped contact?

I don't see a problem with it.

I know loads of situations the other way round where dads have walked off into the sunshine and step dad is called dad.

No one ever seems to find it odd that way round

I think you are setting yourself up for heartbreak or worse. As they are not actually your dc you have no legal rights to them if the mum suddenly turns up or if you split with the dad. Sadly I've seen similar happen beforehand

So what do you suggest the op does instead, @mummywithhermini? Detach from the children and refuse to be involved in their care?

She is mothering those children whatever they choose to call her, and for their sake, frankly, thank goodness she is willing to do that because their biological mother wasn't up to the job. Inevitably, a bond will form and that entails some risk for the OP, but the alternative would be to leave those poor children motherless.

They are lucky to have you, OP. If they have appointed you as their mum, then that's an entirely valid choice for them to make.

@NameChangedForThisFeb21

The reason why op step children called her mum is because she stepped up to plate and has been there for them like a mum should be !

Very much unlike their Birth Mother !
for whatever reason could not cope and effectivel y abandoned her children (left them.!
So they are emotionally traumatised by their unfortunate experience !

These step children were rejected by their birth mother !

This happened to me and my 7 other siblings too,

It's absolutely fine in your situation because of the age of the children when you came into their lives, the fact that they were not told to call you mum and you do all the mummy things for them.

The children recognise that you are mothering them.

What is the alternative? That you constantly say ‘I’m not your Mum, call me Baba’ thus potentially making them feel rejected and reminding them that their bio mum abandoned them?

People really need to keep their pursed-lipped attitudes out of other peoples lives!

Appalling behaviour from that woman and some of the comments on here are not much better.

The most important thing is that you are open and honest with the children, so there are no shocks for them down the line. Beyond that, you love them, they love you, they can call you whatever they like.

I was adopted trans racially adopted
I consirder my mum who adopted me as my real mother
As she was allways there for me
Until she sadly died from breast cancer when she only in her early 40s and I was 15yrs !

I wish Society would stop Romantising thing about all mothers are wonderful and amazing !
Some/or a few are really Shit mothers too.!

Just like my pathetic shit Birth mother who rejected me as a small child and left me so I grew up in children's homes in the midlands !

I have had to have Therapy to try and heal from this still haven't been able to
And still seeking different kinds of various Therepies !

My mum who adopted me sadly died far too young I miss my mum most days I wish she could have known about her grand children.!

I Also wish if Misfortune had to happen in my Life !

I Wish that it been the other Way Around !

I wish My Birth Mother who Rejected And Abandoned Me

Had Suffered for a Looong Time With Cancer and Had Died Very Slowly too.!

I hate the fact that she was A Such a shit mother !

My Birth Mother is Still Alive

As Far as I am Aware !

I wish She wasnt really !

I wish she could have Died in Tragic way such as in a Car crash etc !

Cause we had such childhoods in Care

Our needs as children were unmet
Etc

I have ended up in Very emotionally domestic Abuse Toxic Relantships !

Why are mothers who Reject their Children Treated in such a Sacred Way like they are Jesus Christ Mother /Moddonna and Child !

What Bullshit Thinking That Is !

As Far as I am Concerned !

Its a Total Arsehole /Shit Thing to do to your kids/Children !

@AnnaSerena

Tell this Arsehole mother who came onto at school gates to Judge you on your Parenting !

How Dare she Judge you !

She obviously has some issues around you being a step mum ,
Perharps her ex partner ran off with another woman or something else !
Anyway its None of her Business your personal Business !

Tell her to mind her own Business or to fuck off !

Ask her next time .
Just cause she has got some personal issues of her own relating to step mums
That its not her Businesses !

Tell her too have some therapy sessions to sort herself out !

Arrogant Stupid cow !

@thosetalesofunexpected, I'm sorry that your biological mother gave you such a difficult start in life. It must have been devastating for you to then lose your lovely mum to cancer. Life can be very unfair sometimes.

@AlexaShutUp

Thank you so much for your very kind words .
Very much appreciated. xx

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented their support. I'm a massive over thinker so yesterday's incident really affected me, it was so reassuring to find out so many people agree that it is OK that my step kids call me mum.

A few people have asked about their bio mum. My husband initially stayed in contact with her so she could have updates about the kids. She asked him to stop this as she thought it would be damaging, distressing and confusing for both the kids. She decided she would rather they be happy, safe and secure without her. The kids both have photograph albums with pictures of her and themselves in which they can look at whenever they want.

My husband is the deputy head of the school the kids go to. After I told him about yesterday's incident, he decided to inform the head and the designated safeguard lead. The mum who made the comments will be asked in for a meeting to discuss appropriate topics of conversation around children (or on school site). There are a large number of kids at the school who have step parents, and they're concerned that any of those kids could have overheard her comments and been distressed by them. Also my husband is absolutely furious and really just wants to see if she'd say the same stuff to his face.

The comments about adoption are really interesting and definitely something my husband and I need to discuss.

Thank you all

@CarrotIsApple

I wouldn't want that

Can I ask why you wouldn't want it?

It's none of anyone else's business what the children call you and certainly wont damage them! Dreadful woman how dare she! also rather ignorant as I doubt their well being is being damaged by a loving mother figure.

If you, your dh and the children are happy they should mind their own... would she say the same if you were adopting other children (which is essentially what you have done) as for whether their "birth mum" comes back, they can choose what to call her, if anything. If anything might "damage them" it is more likely to be mum walking out on them whilst young!

You need to get phrases prepared, like "I dont recall asking for your opinion!"

I actually get sad when step kids are refused permission to call their step parents Mum or Dad. It's a label that means what it means to them, it may be because it makes them feel as though they fit in better, or because they like having 2 "mums" etc.

Mothers that get possessive over it must be very insecure in their bond with their child to forbid. Obviously it's different if there is a case of parental alienation going on.

My eldest refers to her bio Dad, and 2 step-dads as "Dad" but my first husband is her "proper dad" even though he's a step-dad. He doesn't need a different label for us all to know that.

I'm glad the head is going to address it with this mother it really is no one else's business ever.

It’s not that person's business what your children, step or otherwise call you and if they or anyone else mentions it again I would tell them that very firmly. It’s astounding that some people seem to believe they have a right to just force their unasked for opinions and thoughts on others like that but I’m not surprised in the least.

In my view it takes more than biology to be a parent. You are their mother in that you (presumably) do everything I do for my children who are biologically mine and they don’t otherwise have a bio mother around.

It's down to the children. If they are comfortable calling you mum and it hasn't been forced then you have nothing to feel.guilty for. I was made to feel guilty for calling my step mum mum, my mum used to make me feel like crap for saying it, yet it was fine for me to call step dad dad. No way! It's never a child's fault that things break down and no one should be made to feel bad for anything if it comes about naturally. Tell the mum to sod off.