Was this comment a bit off about being a SAHM?

[Thisisthepoint]

I had an eye test last week and the staff member who went through my records when I arrived asked me some questions. She asked for my occupation and if I use a computer.

I said I was a “stay at home parent,” and hope to return to work this year and it would most likely be an office role so I would use a PC, but I also use my laptop at home a lot currently too.

She said “you’re a what?,” and pulled a face. I repeated the above and she replied “so, basically you’re just a housewife then.” And pulled even more of a wrinkled face at me, no smile either.

Is this a bit off? I feel a bit offended and like she has demeaned me. I didn’t have my DC until I was 40 and have worked all my life since I was a teenager with after school jobs and then worked throughout University. I have paid my taxes and worked hard up until I had DC and now he’s started school I am starting to look at returning to work. But I don’t see why I should have to justify my life choices to anyone, and shouldn’t be judged to my face about them. DH said ignore her, she’s a fool and as I have received a follow-up email survey asking for my experience of their service maybe I should mention that their staff member was a bit rude.

My confidence about returning to work feels rock bottom as it is and this person has just made me feel worthless

Sounds like she just wanted to know what your occupation was and you gave her a long winded answer. I’d have said not working or unemployed if you didn’t want to say housewife.

Having children is not an occupation same as being married is not an occupation.
I disagree, minding small children is an occupation. If the OP was working outside the home, then someone else would have to be employed to do it instead. I think that's why the term Stay- at-home parent/mother/father is much better than the old fashioned housewife. It's the minding of the children that's the occupation, when they're very young at least.

I think she probably just didn’t know what you were talking about.

i disagree, minding small children is an occupation

It is when it’s other people’s kids and your job. In real life if it’s yout own, it’s described as financially inactive and not an occupation, it’s defined as parenting as opposed to an occupation. Same as cleaning your house. When it’s someone else’s house it’s your occupation. When it’s cleaning your own it’s not defined as such. This doesn’t detract from how hard it can be, but it’s not your occupation. It’s what you do with your time.

Hmm...not sure I agree with that Bluntness100. If the question had been 'what's your profession?' I would agree though. Occupation is a bit vaguer.

@Bluntness100

i disagree, minding small children is an occupation

It is when it’s other people’s kids and your job. In real life if it’s yout own, it’s described as financially inactive and not an occupation, it’s defined as parenting as opposed to an occupation. Same as cleaning your house. When it’s someone else’s house it’s your occupation. When it’s cleaning your own it’s not defined as such. This doesn’t detract from how hard it can be, but it’s not your occupation. It’s what you do with your time.

Exactly. I cook my own dinner but that doesn’t make me a chef

@korawick12345 @Bluntness100
I disagree. Occupation may be interpreted more broadly than just the 'paid employment' sense, as is evidenced by the fact that 'housewife' was deemed a satisfactory descriptor for this particular form. There are many adults who would reply 'Student' when asked their occupation. Are they all supposed to say 'No Occupation' instead too? If the question was about paid employment only then it needed to be phrased as such.

OP, you're the best judge of whether the assistant was being rude or was confused. The phrase 'just a housewife' does sound demeaning to me, but context is important. Was she saying/ confirming 'SAHP just means housewife' or 'you're just a housewife'? Was she pulling faces because you're at home, or because she's not a fan of these new phrases people use? To me 'housewife' is an out of date term too, but it's her attitude that's potentially the problem here, not the fact that she hasn't caught up with the latest terminology. If you think her behaviour was off, yes, I would complain. The pulling faces doesn't sound great whatever the reason tbh, not very professional.

‘ I disagree, minding small children is an occupation’

So do parents working full time have two occupations then? Paid job and what is commonly known as ‘parenting’.

Agreed @LizzieAnt. Would student or retired be acceptable answers for “occupation”?

But anyway, given the context for asking the question (basically do you have a job the affects your vision or the type of eyewear you need) it’s not relevant anyway. And certainly adding a derisive “just” and pulling a face was unnecessary and unprofessional.

@Reinventinganna

‘ I disagree, minding small children is an occupation’

So do parents working full time have two occupations then? Paid job and what is commonly known as ‘parenting’.

I’d say they are as it’s very difficult to do both at the same time.

@Reinventinganna

‘ I disagree, minding small children is an occupation’

So do parents working full time have two occupations then? Paid job and what is commonly known as ‘parenting’.

Most people would say yes . I know stay-at-home-parent is the standard term now, but at one stage 'full-time-parent' was suggested as a term to describe those at home minding young children. It was objected to on the grounds that no one is a part-time parent, whether they go out to work or not. Stay-at-home-parent now just implies you're doing the work a childminder or creche would be otherwise be employed to do, as well as all the additional parenting duties that everyone does.

If your self-worth depends on what some random counter-assistant in the optician's thinks (or more likely doesn't think - she's just trying to slot you into whatever category the computer accepts) then you have far bigger problems than this.
Seems like the person who really thinks you're 'just' a SAHM is yourself.

I think you are projecting, you feel sahp's are judged and you heard this and felt judged

I used to do something similar as I felt that I had to keep justifying why I did not work

Brush it off

You have no idea what she was thinking by her words or facial expressions unless you ask her

Move on, honestly it is not worth the worry

She was rude but sounds more like a literal communication thing than deliberate nastiness.

You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t when it comes to working with kids. Forget about it, move on and wait until someone suggests you’ll never get these years back when you return to work and can’t do every school drop off and pick up!

@katy123 if you're doubtful of yourself then ,yes, comments like this can really sting. Part of the problem is that 'just' being at home with the kids is very undervalued- not only by men but by other women, too

I think it is likely she needed answer that fits the drop down box.
This. But feel free to be offended and complain, best case scenario, they'll have a giggle and roll their eyes when you leave, worst the member of staff gets into trouble and you cause them misery on purpose. Better to adopt a 'water off a duck's back' attitude and focus on more important things, not perceived slights about your unimportant SAHM status.

@MagentaZebras

Wow. You must have a lot of free time on your hands if ypu are upset about this.

I disagree - I think OP is perfectly entitled to be upset by this, particularly in today's day and age where it's her decision to do what she bloody wants with her life without getting feedback from some nobody about it.

When I was a SAHM the opticians were rude to me a couple of times. Both times they refused to believe I wasn't on benefits, and the woman the second time told me 'it must be nice getting to sit at home watching TV all day' .
I never went back to that opticians!

I think she was trying to figure out how to put your quite long answer on a short form. It's very unlikely she was judging your life choices, personally i wouldn't give it a second thought.

Maybe she hadn't heard the phrase before?

Yes, complain. Women get enough shit and other women judging them for it does nothing. She's an idiot.

@roseapothecary

When I was a SAHM the opticians were rude to me a couple of times. Both times they refused to believe I wasn't on benefits, and the woman the second time told me 'it must be nice getting to sit at home watching TV all day' . I never went back to that opticians!

Wow!!

@Reinventinganna

‘ I disagree, minding small children is an occupation’

So do parents working full time have two occupations then? Paid job and what is commonly known as ‘parenting’.

You can be a full time parent but you are definitely not 'parenting' them when you are working. You are just being goady to say you do both full-time. My best friend is a high flying lawyer. She does not change nappies and sing nursery rhymes or listening to screaming when she does it. She can admit that.

Why can things not be different without between better or worse? The worst thing is it's just women ripping other women apart.

Why didn't you say something at the time ?

I haven't read the whole thread but basically, my take on it is that her comments were around the fact that you are calling yourself a 'stay at home parent', as opposed to a 'stay at home mum', or a 'housewife', or a 'full time mum'.

Some people see the terminology 'stay at home parent' as an effort to be politically correct, alongside someone wanting to be called Ms or using non-gender specific pronouns. They think it's left wing waffle daffle.

I don't think she was commenting about your status per say, more about how you call it.