I am absolutely huge

[WhatHaveIDoneToMyselfffffff]

I have just had to complete an risk assessment because I am going back to the office. One question was about my BMI. I haven't weighed myself in years, so decided to hop on the scales (my partner has them to Link up to his Fitbit, I stay away from them) and I literally broke down in tears stood there. I won't say how much I weigh but its put me in the morbidly obese category. I am so, so so ashamed of myself. I mean, I wear a snug size 18, have to buy a 20/22 nighty for it to be 'baggy' although its not that baggy. My partner weighs 11.7 stone, runs 4 times a week etc. He must be absolutely mortified to be seen with me. I am mortified myself, I was a size 10 5 years ago, a 14 when I met him 4 years ago. I cannot believe this. I am going on holiday (uk) In June. How am I going to take my lad swimming at this size. God,this is horrible. I feel sick.

I don't eat big meals (and thats not me saying that in denial, I truly don't) but I snack constantly. All the time. And drink loads of Pepsi. maybe 3 cans a dayish, sometimes less. Honestly I can't believe how I have let myself go to this extent, my poor partner having such a monster by his side and my poor little boy having a mum like me.

I look a state all the time, don't really make any effort. I never used to be like this, I really didn't. But I suppose its just gone on. I am absolutely hating myself now, I am absolutely mortified.

Me and DP haven't had sex in months. I have been having health issues (bleeding which probably caused by my weight) but no wonder he doesn't want to come anywhere near me. I am disgusting. I am typing this in tears.

Things are changing from tomorrow though. 1000000%. I have a Fitbit (haha) that I never ever wear and I don't do any exercise at all, not a thing. walk around to school which is a 3 minute walk. And sometimes I drive that if the weathers bad. god.

I am mortified. And I've lied on my risk assessment, I emailed my manager to ask what would happen if I was the at risk category for BMI and she replied saying thats only if you have a BMI of 40 or above??????? So of course I said oh my mistake, got confused with my numbers hahahahaha.

Wait till she see's me in a couple of weeks!!God

Anyway this was an absolute ramble, not even sure what I want. I want to get to 12 stone which is still obese for my height this is what I was when I met my dp. We have another holiday abroad booked for end of august, need to be realistic but need to look more Normal for then. He started a new job during lockdown and has said about his manager inviting people over for BBQ's once lockdown is over and things are normal again, I can't go looking like this.

Anyway. off to cry

Wow sorry that was long and very rambling!

Lockdown's not been kind to any of us health wise (or not many of us). Don't beat yourself up about it, or set too many targets - it's small and steady changes that win the race! Chin up OP have a and

Hi OP I don't have any first hand advice but didn't want to read and run. Your BMI, your weight does not define you. Being obese does not make you a bad person. Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? I bet he would be horrified to hear you talk about yourself this negatively.

If you want to look at losing weight, could you speak to your GP/practice nurse for advice and support? There may be some local weight loss groups too if you think that might be helpful. I'm also wondering if you need some mental health support too given how upset you are and how negative you are being about yourself, your GP could help with this too.

Ah bless you
I am a PT so I will give you my advice ... start small, cut out the Pepsi, switch to Pepsi Max if you absolutely HAVE to, ideally just cut it out and switch to water with lemon in it or something to make it a bit more interesting. Wear your Fitbit and make your way up to 10,000 steps a day, don't underestimate how much this will benefit you health wise! Look at what you are eating, 3 good meals a day, not processed, eat your fruit and veg, please message me if I can help, just take it one step at a time and it won't seem so daunting x

Have you had the bleeding investigated? Please do so as soon as you can! Don't be ashamed of your weight - your GP will have treated many people bigger than you. This should be your priority over everything else if you haven't done so already.

I am thinking that I need some support. I honestly feel like I’m addicted to eating, I never used to be like this. I mean, I’ve never been healthy but I just binge and then feel terrible and it’s almost like I’m punishing myself? But I’m not too sure what for.

I know if I spoke to DP he’d be lovely and supportive but I know in his head he thinks just cut down, stop eating as much. Which sounds so so simple. So simple. But it just doesn’t click for me and I have no idea why

You'll lose easily if you stop the snacks and you are more than your weight, its just a number that can change. You are worth much more to your family and your employer.

I didn't want to read and run, but wanted to say it's a huge step that you are now self aware and totally ready to make the healthy changes you need and deserve. I know it's painful now, but you'll look back on today and thank yourself x

Yeah I’ve had the bleeding investigated, it’s been going on for over a year. I’ve had numerous scans, consultations, appointments etc. Never ending amount which I know is lucky because these carried on through all the lockdowns. They can’t find a reason, I’ve had a camera in my womb and had a coil fitted but still no reason so probably my weight causing high levels of something!

And thank you everyone for being so kind.

Don’t be so down on yourself OP..... it’s been a bloody hard year! And I think lots of people are finding pre-pandemic jeans are a bit snug at the moment.

That being said, I know from experience that sometimes a moment like this is what you need to switch gears in your head and do something about it. I feel like I’ve been on diets since I was 14, but the only time I was every really to lose weight (and maintain it) it was like something had switched in my head.

Start small, and don’t deprive yourself too much. Fad diets work but they’re difficult to maintain, especially when things go back to normal. Cut the Pepsi down to one or switch to Pepsi max or Diet Coke. Cut the snacks down to one a day etc. And don’t beat yourself up if you overindulge one day, just get back on it the next.

Good luck! If you really want to do this, you’ve got it!

I'm in much the same situation if you want some support. Have you had your vaccine if your BMI is over 40.

I am thinking that I need some support. I honestly feel like I’m addicted to eating, I never used to be like this.

I think you're probably right OP, you are addicted and I genuinely believe it's possible to be as addicted to food as it is to nicotine or alcohol. I also think you're right that you need support. Have you had your blood sugar tested?

I'm feeling exactly the same

I've put in weight In lockdown, stretched out my size 18s, ordered a coat In a 20 which was too tight

Need a kick up the bum if I'm honest

If you need a buddy I'm def In!

I've got a Fitbit but due to a disability I can't do the 10,000 a day but can get my butt off the sofa and do 5,000

Also drives the kids to school 🤦‍♀️

There’s brilliant support on the weight loss chat board. Definitely have a look and see if there are any support threads that appeal.

Really good luck with your weight loss.

You are not the only one emerging from lockdown like this op. Just put the past where it belongs and start your new approach tomorrow

Your weight does not define you op, and it certainly doesn’t define you as being a bad mum!
Think about really small changes you can make now, maybe swapping to Pepsi max and making sure you drink lots of water on top of that. Chose one thing and stick to it for a week, and don’t try and change anything else at the same time. Then when you’ve stuck to that chose another thing to add onto it.
Have you tried tracking what you eat in an app like my fitness pal? I find it helps me to stop endlessly snacking if i have to write it all down and helps me make more conscious choices.
Also maybe do some reading on binge eating, I know that the negative emotions you have about your weight can make us feel terrible and can lead to a binge, so try and think of different coping mechanisms when you feel negative emotions instead of snacking/binging.
Please know your not alone, the past year has been especially hard on most people so please don’t beat yourself up about your weight! What’s important is making healthy positive steps moving forward and not hating yourself!

OP i feel like I could have written this almost word for word myself.
We have struggled TTC and were referred for IVF years ago and I was told to come back when I was within the weight guidelines.
I've put weight on. Just makes me feel awful that even that hasn't been enough to make things change. But I get what you mean - you know the logic and science and what you need to do. But making it happen just seems....impossible. I know I'm not offering any practical inspiration but I suppose knowing you're not alone is a consolation!

Oh you poor thing, you mustn't be so hard on yourself!
It is very easy to let things slide, but once you recognise this it's also quite easy to get into a routine where things will improve quickly. You are only a size 18, it won't take that long to get back to a 14

I would talk to your dh about it, tell him you had had your head in the sand and you are genuinely shocked, tell him you want to sort it and will he support you in it.

Menu plan, there are so many good resources online for healthy 400 - 600 ish calorie meals, make sure you eat properly at breakfast lunch and dinner and form a routine. Get rid of the fizzy drinks and anything else with empty calories. With each meal eat loads of salad or veg. Buy some cheapo digital kitchen scales and weigh stuff to start with so you know what portion sizes should be (it's very easy to lose sight of this) and if you like snacking then get some healthy snacks eg multipacks of popcorn, chocolate rice cakes etc.

Get out for some decent exercise every day. Walk, cycle, run (try couch 2 5k maybe) , swim, whatever it is you like to do, just do it! And if you have a bad day forget it and start again.

It's all about your attitude really, once you get going and the lb start falling off you will get more into it. But it won't work if you hate yourself, you don't deserve to be hated by yourself for being a little overweight

Being overweight is not a moral or personal failing OP. It doesn’t make you a monster, or a bad partner, or an inadequate mum. Neither your husband or your son love you for your waistline!

It’s never a bad idea to introduce more exercise into your routine, and if you can ditch the Pepsi and some of the snacks you will probably feel a lot better. But please don’t feel like being overweight makes you any less valuable a person, because it truly doesn’t.

If you can, try thinking of this as an exciting new project. A project where you put yourself first. Today you have hit your rock bottom and from now on it's going to be bloody hard but the rewards you will see will far surpass any feelings of failure. There will be weeks when your weight will just fly off of, and others when nothing changes even though you are trying so hard. That's perfectly normal.

Go slow and start by changing your diet, cut out some of the snacking. Don't starve yourself though. I would eat little and often, but eat food that your body needs, not necessarily what it wants.

Start walking everywhere. And then walk some more. Use the Fitbit, make sure you get at least 8000 steps a day to start with and then work your way up. It doesn't matter if it rains outside, just change your clothes when you get home. It doesn't matter if you are too tired to go out, you will come home with more energy.

You need to put yourself and you health first now.

go easy on yourself OP. Take one day at a time and you will get there. But be kind to yourself in the meantime. Lockdown has been harsh.

@WhatHaveIDoneToMyselfffffff I only ask about your blood sugar because if you are prediabetic/diabetic it would explain why your weight has got so out of control and why you crave sugar so much.

It also means there will be a lot of support and information out there for you!

Hey OP
If there's one thing I'd say it's that you know you've been in denial and avoiding weighing yourself - you've done the hardest thing now in braving the scales and facing up to it - well done! So get into a little routine of weighing yourself regularly now - whether that's every day or once available week, and start tracking your progress.
Knowledge really is power. And you'll start to really enjoy the buzz of seeing the pounds fall off, which they will do quickly if you're starting off with the bmi you have.
If you want support I'd really recommend something like WW or similar, or as PP mentioned some of the threads on here.
Good luck, you really can do it.

maybe contact your local wellbeing team via the council, they will point you in the right direction for tailor made support if the GP referral is tricky due to covid. The gp would likely refer you to the same place. The wellbeing team are experts, as are the teams they may need to refer you to. You will get support and a chance to talk about how you feel, as well as a plan made especially for you.
And please don't be too hard on yourself