I am absolutely huge

[WhatHaveIDoneToMyselfffffff]

I have just had to complete an risk assessment because I am going back to the office. One question was about my BMI. I haven't weighed myself in years, so decided to hop on the scales (my partner has them to Link up to his Fitbit, I stay away from them) and I literally broke down in tears stood there. I won't say how much I weigh but its put me in the morbidly obese category. I am so, so so ashamed of myself. I mean, I wear a snug size 18, have to buy a 20/22 nighty for it to be 'baggy' although its not that baggy. My partner weighs 11.7 stone, runs 4 times a week etc. He must be absolutely mortified to be seen with me. I am mortified myself, I was a size 10 5 years ago, a 14 when I met him 4 years ago. I cannot believe this. I am going on holiday (uk) In June. How am I going to take my lad swimming at this size. God,this is horrible. I feel sick.

I don't eat big meals (and thats not me saying that in denial, I truly don't) but I snack constantly. All the time. And drink loads of Pepsi. maybe 3 cans a dayish, sometimes less. Honestly I can't believe how I have let myself go to this extent, my poor partner having such a monster by his side and my poor little boy having a mum like me.

I look a state all the time, don't really make any effort. I never used to be like this, I really didn't. But I suppose its just gone on. I am absolutely hating myself now, I am absolutely mortified.

Me and DP haven't had sex in months. I have been having health issues (bleeding which probably caused by my weight) but no wonder he doesn't want to come anywhere near me. I am disgusting. I am typing this in tears.

Things are changing from tomorrow though. 1000000%. I have a Fitbit (haha) that I never ever wear and I don't do any exercise at all, not a thing. walk around to school which is a 3 minute walk. And sometimes I drive that if the weathers bad. god.

I am mortified. And I've lied on my risk assessment, I emailed my manager to ask what would happen if I was the at risk category for BMI and she replied saying thats only if you have a BMI of 40 or above??????? So of course I said oh my mistake, got confused with my numbers hahahahaha.

Wait till she see's me in a couple of weeks!!God

Anyway this was an absolute ramble, not even sure what I want. I want to get to 12 stone which is still obese for my height this is what I was when I met my dp. We have another holiday abroad booked for end of august, need to be realistic but need to look more Normal for then. He started a new job during lockdown and has said about his manager inviting people over for BBQ's once lockdown is over and things are normal again, I can't go looking like this.

Anyway. off to cry

Oh Op

I can really relate to you. I've had 3 pregnancies in the last 6 years and have gained an average of 2 stone with each one of them, and I already had a couple of stone to lose pre pregnancy as I had piled some contentment weight on in the relationship

My partner is also tall, in good shape, weighs far less than I do. When I met him I was curvy but pretty and really happy with my body shape, took loads of care of myself and could always attract who I wanted.

Now I've steadily gained that weight and over lock down I bleached my lovely long dark hair platinum white in a desperate attempt to feel better about my appearance and now it's all ruined and I've had to cut it to shoulder length 😫😫

I barely recognise myself to be honest. I managed to lose a bit of weight this time last year, about 35lbs but gained all but 1 stone before starting again this month.

I'm feeling genuinely so happy and more myself again to be making progress and doing something about it. I would say the most important first step is to forgive yourself and set a positive mindset. Your post is full of negative emotion toward yourself and I fully get that, but it's psychologically proven that we don't respond well at all to negative reinforcement, so there's absolutely nothing to be gained from being down on yourself :) I've made peace with myself that this is the stage I am at, and the only thing to be done is love myself, forgive myself and throw myself into finding whatever it takes for me to sustainably lose weight and keep it off. For me that's high protein foods combined with intermittent fasting. I could eat like this forever without depriving myself!

Honestly please look after yourself. Make sure your partner is supportive, I don't know what I would do without his constant reassurances. Ultimately though you can do this!

Op I was a size 22 not long ago and felt exactly as you do now, especially the urge to just keep eating and eating. It is an addiction, but addictions can be replaced. I’m now comfortably a size 12 and I honestly haven’t starved or suffered to get here.
I have found that deliberately trying to force an exercise addiction has helped. Lockdown made me realize how much I love dancing on my own at home, no one watching, my favorite music. I try to do 30 minutes of mental dancing a day and I work up such a sweat! That plus only eating between midday and 8pm has made such a difference.
If you decide to make a change believe in yourself that you can do it, and be patient! But if you decide to embrace how you are that’s fine too, your weight does not define you.

You are still you op! You're not a monster or any of the things you think you are.
You can reduce your weight, if you put your mind to it, the absolute best way is to do it slowly by making small life changes, that way it will stay off.
I think get rid of (or reduce) the Pepsi and try to cut back on the snacks.
Add in a decent brisk walk a day for 20 mins and go from there.
If you wanted to try couch to 5k that might help motivate you, mostly because you will be amazed at how quickly you will feel fitter each week.
You can do this op

Have you actually asked your DP what he thinks rather than jumping to wild assumptions about him no longer finding you attractive? He probably doesn’t think you’re a ‘monster’ at all, I’m sure he’d leave if he truly thought something so horrible. When you love someone and you’ve been together for a while you don’t tend to notice things like weight gain. I’ve gone from a size 10 to size 18 since DH and I met but we’ve had children so I’ve naturally gained weight through that. DH doesn’t mind at all and I don’t think he’s lying to make me feel better, he’s always said he’d love me even if I turned into a slug so .

My overall point is there’s no reason to sit beating yourself up, it really doesn’t help anyone at all. You can use the way you feel right now to motivate yourself. The first step is to cut the Pepsi, switch to a diet version temporarily then slowly reduce your intake of that. Then work on cutting down on the snacks. Take it one step at a time, you’re more likely to fail if you try doing everything at once.

Oh love, please don't cry. If you're going on holiday in June then you have plenty of time to lose some weight. Start now and take it slowly. Speak to your doctor about it to see if there is any support they can offer. I wonder what happened 4/5 years ago that led to you putting weight on?

This book is good and addresses the underlying causes of weight gain (not just eat less/move more)...

I really recommend it

Feel Great Lose Weight: Long term, simple habits for lasting and sustainable weight loss https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0241397839/ref=cmswwrcppapifabcc_H2DQ243KBGK66D64FQG3

@LeviOsaNotLeviosAR just saw your post and wanted to say, infertility really messed with your relationship with your body, the trust you feel in it, etcetera. It's horrible but I too have put on a tonne of weight, partly I think due to the relentless trauma of infertility, and the way it's divorced me from my body, if that makes sense?

Like OP I had a moment yesterday when I was weighed at Rheumatology and realised how bad it had got.

Op I'm with you. Approach this with kindness and try to not feel disgust at yourself, I know how hard it is, but I'm going to try focusing on nourishment, looking after my body, good food, exercise etc.

Sadly I can't have a Fitbit as I have OCD and things like that can make me really crazy.

It's the pepsi. Quit that first and the weight will drop off you. Also start drinking Kerfir in the morning. Do those two things first as they're simple. Honestly the weight will drop off.

You can do this and I know you can because I'm doing it and if I can do it anyone can!

I have been obese since I was 11 when my mum first took me to weight watchers. At my highest I was 21stone, at 5ft 8 that gave me a BMI of 44.7. Over the years that's gone up and down, and I lost a fair whack about 8 years ago when I was TTC.

Back last August I decided enough was enough! I signed up for a MyFitnessPal account, set a goal of 1lb a week loss, bought myself an Apple Watch and started tracking all my food and exercising 3 x a week for 30 minutes.

I've lost 4 stone so far and I have just this week got to the point where I've had to buy size 14 trousers to avoid having them fall down. I was size 22 just 8 months ago.

I made myself a spreadsheet and weigh in every Wednesday here's a link to a blank version of the sheet if it's any use to you or anyone else https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mjaVTijjOxYjXruqLq14A113BVyhDBph/view?usp=sharing

I am on a couple of weight loss threads on here where we chat and support each other.

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weightlosss_chat/4179642-LOSE-It-March-2021

It's not a perfect process, sometimes weight goes down, sometimes it goes up, sometimes your food diary reads like something from a health magazine, sometimes there's more cakes than vegetables. The key is to keep going. If you have a celebration which means one day you eat 2 takeaways and a whole chocolate cake to yourself then just set it behind you and stick to your calories the next day, just make sure you log the bad day so at least you know why and can be accountable for it.

This is how my weight loss has looked, you'll notice a big gap between March and August last year when I got all psyched up then fell off the wagon and ate Danish pastries every day through lockdown

@Mn753

It's the pepsi. Quit that first and the weight will drop off you. Also start drinking Kerfir in the morning. Do those two things first as they're simple. Honestly the weight will drop off.

It might, but it might not. It’s a treat change to make but how quickly the weight comes off depends on all sorts of other things. I don’t think it’s helpful to set up expectations like that.

And also another tip that really helped me is to remember that relapsing and backsliding and taking a while to be consistent is completely FINE and normal. Even with small changes. So many people give up after a few weeks and often even a few days because they think that they can't deal with making the change. But even if you do well for half the day at first that's an improvement. And eventually your consistent efforts will pay off.

I really feel you. I've always been big and on diets. I'll lose 2 stone nearly then put it back on. I was 3 stone lighter than I am when I met my partner. Had my child who is 5 and had only put on a bit of weight but now I'm the heaviest I've ever been due to my eating. I honestly think I'm addicted to food too. Anyway... im giving up on diets and just going to try to snack on fruit and veg and have 3 healthy meals. This probbaly isn't belling at all but just to let you know im right there with you xxxx

It might sound counter-intuitive but eating bigger meals will help you cut down on snacking. By bigger I mean food that will keep you going for longer- even if it means you just have a banana with toast in the morning. If you feel the need to snack, have a mint or a couple of boiled sweets because you'll still feel like you've chewed something.

You don't need to start a 1200 calorie a day meal plan. Just work out what sort of calories you're eating and try to cut it down bit by bit.

I promise it's worth it, even if it takes longer than you think.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo Oh my GOSH that spreadsheet is a thing of beauty!! Well done on your progress, it's incredible

Please don't be too hard on yourself, you are not alone! I have been gaining weight steadily for a while and during lockdown it just spiralled completely out of control. I've tried every diet under the sun in the past but I am currently doing Second Nature. 4 weeks in and I have lost 10lbs and slowly feel like I have a bit more energy. You say you need some support - I am actually surprised by how supportive the group chat is. I imagined some competitive under eating, boasting amazing weight loss, but actually it is just a bunch of people all in the same boat trying to change their lifestyle. It also focuses on positive thinking which again I thought I would dodge but have actually found useful. Anyway, I promise I'm not on commission lol but some of the things you've said made me think it might suit you

My DH was obese, he kicked his Pepsi Max habit first as it is so so so so addictive. He then felt much better and was able to eat healthier.

I'm glad you are getting your gynae issues looked at

Don't panic - it may not make you feel better, but you aren't the only one. I am 249lbs and size 24. I still go swimming, I wear summer clothes. To be honest I spent 5 years being pretty ill and didn't hardly move and put on a lot of weight (not helped by the meds). I am so happy to be find now I am just happy size 24 or not!

Please don’t beat yourself up. You are far more than your weight. If you can afford it, buy some well-fitting, flattering clothes in the size you are now - realistically size 20. eBay is a good way to replenish your wardrobe at reasonable prices. You will feel so much better and more confident if you look your best.

The constant bleeding is a concern and must be very debilitating. It could be the source of your weight gain in that you are so exhausted that you turn to food for comfort. Are you anaemic? Have you had a general health check, especially for your thyroid?

If you try to lose weight, don’t go mad and restrict all your favourite foods. I have lost a lot of weight through intermittent fasting 16/8, but this is not for everyone. I would recommend Why We Eat (Too Much) by Dr. Andrew Jenkinson. It is a thorough investigation into obesity by a compassionate bariatric surgeon and turns many diet advice completely on its head.
Please book an appointment with your gp. You can’t carry on as you are feeling at the moment and you sound depressed too. They are not there to judge you.

other posters will have lots of constructive things to say about weight loss, but i just wanted to send you a hug.

yes your body may not look like it used to and you might want it to be different. but it's done miraculous things like have a baby, and it's got you through probably the most bizarre year of all of our lives. You are not a monster, please don't call yourself that, I bet your little boy thinks you are the best person in the whole world. Your dp loves you, am sure after many years together he's not just in it for your looks! big hugs, i'm sorry you're so upset xx

Hi OP just wanted to add a couple of things. I’ve had random bleeding too and all the investigations that you’ve probably had! But I’m a normal BMI so it’s not necessarily weight related. I’ve been told it’s probably hormones. Secondly, if you were a size 10-14 not that long ago, you know it’s achievable and just view this as a little blip. Cut down on the sugary drinks and the snacking as much as you can, have your holiday as a goal in mind and be realistic about how much you want to lose by then. Good luck

Overeaters Anonymous

@superstar84

I'm feeling exactly the same

I've put in weight In lockdown, stretched out my size 18s, ordered a coat In a 20 which was too tight

Need a kick up the bum if I'm honest

If you need a buddy I'm def In!

I've got a Fitbit but due to a disability I can't do the 10,000 a day but can get my butt off the sofa and do 5,000

Also drives the kids to school 🤦‍♀️

I can do slightly more than that on a good day. Not disabled though but have other commitments. I'm on fitbit if you would like to connect.

I know, but fizzy drinks are proven to make you eat more and pepsi is completely addictive. There was a thread on here recently where people gave up pepsi max and it was hard but they all found they were eating better and losing weight. The sweeteners mess with your microbiome too, so getting rid and boosting your gut health with Kerfir is likely to make a real difference. There was a study where people didn't change their diet except to add Kerfir and they lost weight.

Complete diet overhaul is very hard to stick to, and impossible if you're getting all the snack cravings from pepsi. Also there are changing opinions on how to lose weight eg more fats, available calories, gut health etc so it's easy to get confused. The low fat diet has arguably led to obesity in many.

Halfshrunk that spreadsheet is a thing of beauty. I'm trying to lose my lockdown stone so it will really come in handy, thank you!

OP, please don't be too hard on yourself, this year has been difficult for everyone - sometimes it feels like the only nice thing we have left is food.
You could try cutting the pepsi's down to one a day for a week. Then the next week only have one every second day, and also commit to walking 5,000 steps 3 times a week. Then the third week add something else and swap another meal with something healthier.

Small changes can really add up over time.

Whatever you do, it has to be something you will stick too (trust me, I am the queen of starting gym classes and giving up after a few weeks). Please see it as investing in yourself rather than punishing yourself.

Try out a few new healthy recipes you can have during summer, some yummy salads or whatever vegetables you like.

Just take it slowly and remember, even if you have a bad day....or a bad week, that doesn't mean you have failed, or that you should give up. Just pick yourself up and keep going. You are worth it

Start off small. I was literally drinking 2 litres of diet pop a day and at least one share bag of chocolate if not more. It got to the point where I just didn’t even enjoy anymore it was just a habit and I had to have it. I still eat chocolate everyday but now I have cut it down to a treatsize little bar. But that in itself has taken me nearly a year to fully do and stick too! Little things like that are a good start and it actually amazes me how much difference it can make