I am absolutely huge

[WhatHaveIDoneToMyselfffffff]

I have just had to complete an risk assessment because I am going back to the office. One question was about my BMI. I haven't weighed myself in years, so decided to hop on the scales (my partner has them to Link up to his Fitbit, I stay away from them) and I literally broke down in tears stood there. I won't say how much I weigh but its put me in the morbidly obese category. I am so, so so ashamed of myself. I mean, I wear a snug size 18, have to buy a 20/22 nighty for it to be 'baggy' although its not that baggy. My partner weighs 11.7 stone, runs 4 times a week etc. He must be absolutely mortified to be seen with me. I am mortified myself, I was a size 10 5 years ago, a 14 when I met him 4 years ago. I cannot believe this. I am going on holiday (uk) In June. How am I going to take my lad swimming at this size. God,this is horrible. I feel sick.

I don't eat big meals (and thats not me saying that in denial, I truly don't) but I snack constantly. All the time. And drink loads of Pepsi. maybe 3 cans a dayish, sometimes less. Honestly I can't believe how I have let myself go to this extent, my poor partner having such a monster by his side and my poor little boy having a mum like me.

I look a state all the time, don't really make any effort. I never used to be like this, I really didn't. But I suppose its just gone on. I am absolutely hating myself now, I am absolutely mortified.

Me and DP haven't had sex in months. I have been having health issues (bleeding which probably caused by my weight) but no wonder he doesn't want to come anywhere near me. I am disgusting. I am typing this in tears.

Things are changing from tomorrow though. 1000000%. I have a Fitbit (haha) that I never ever wear and I don't do any exercise at all, not a thing. walk around to school which is a 3 minute walk. And sometimes I drive that if the weathers bad. god.

I am mortified. And I've lied on my risk assessment, I emailed my manager to ask what would happen if I was the at risk category for BMI and she replied saying thats only if you have a BMI of 40 or above??????? So of course I said oh my mistake, got confused with my numbers hahahahaha.

Wait till she see's me in a couple of weeks!!God

Anyway this was an absolute ramble, not even sure what I want. I want to get to 12 stone which is still obese for my height this is what I was when I met my dp. We have another holiday abroad booked for end of august, need to be realistic but need to look more Normal for then. He started a new job during lockdown and has said about his manager inviting people over for BBQ's once lockdown is over and things are normal again, I can't go looking like this.

Anyway. off to cry

Don’t cry OP and if you want to be healthier and make changes then it’s never to late to start. I’m with you on wanting to be healthier and lose weight. Just know you are not alone and you can do this , you can do anything you put your mind to

OP - glad you are having a good cry, will be cathartic. However you are not your weight - and even if you were, your weight does not make you a monster - you are a human being and you have as much value as anyone else.

Obviously great to loose weight for your health, but please don’t beat yourself up about it, it will actively hinder you because it’s a cruel and nasty way to talk about yourself - you wouldn’t talk to an overweight friend or child like that would you?

Knock off the Pepsi, and the most unhelpful snacks and give yourself a week to research plans and get your groove back, and then a week to prep for whatever programme you choose.

Ranjan Chatterjee’s loose weight feel great is not a diet but a general guide to weight loss - really sensible and smart, and will help you tailor any weight loss programme to you, so I’d order that now.

Don’t be too swayed by people’s recommendations, but some sensible programmes you can check out are: NHS guidelines if you want to devise your own, Second Nature - NHS approved low-carbish, Mediterranean diet, Low GI diet, Louise Parker, 5:2 - and the more old fashioned weight watchers and slimming world. I’d avoid the more extreme like fast 800 or anything involving meal replacements.

You will get it off, but please remember to treat yourself nicely (and do NOT diss yourself to your husband).

Oh, and the chances of you getting seriously ill from covid at your age are tiny - obese or not, so don’t worry about that.

I started losing weight about 6 weeks ago and I too am a snacker and picker in the kitchen. The first couple of weeks were so hard to not snack especially in the evening so I had a couple of weeks where I still snacked a bit. Then after about 2 weeks I got used to it and no longer had snack cravings. I suddenly found it a lot easier to just eat my meals and not in between and I was much less hungry. So don’t stress too much over the first few weeks, and thinking you’ve failed if you eat stuff you shouldn’t. Just keep resetting each morning, it will get easier and your body will become used to it.

Come now, you want to loose weight, fine. But don't do it because you are disgusted with yourself. Do it because you are lovely, beautiful and kind and deserve a happy healthy life. Love yourself woman! You have GOT THIS!!

Hi OP, lots of great advice above.

Every now and then my weight creeps up a bit and I need to make an effort to get back to where I want to be. For me, complicated diets haven't worked. If I eat "proper meals", not going overboard on the chips, roast potatoes, pasta etc, and completely cut out crisps, sweets and biscuits I find that the best way.

You say you don't eat big meals but I think eating a decent plate of fairly healthy food at meal times - because you need to avoid feeeling hungry - and cutting out the snacks might be the way forward. How about sparkling water instead of the Pepsi as well?

I remember Trisha Goddard on TV giving excellent advice to a woman who desperately wanted to lose weight and stop constantly snacking. She advised a hobby to keep her hands busy and her mind focused at times when she was at home and tended to want to snack. In this lady's case it was patchwork quilting she took up. But it could be crochet, knitting, jigsaws or anything similar. Something quite addictive so your mind is kept busy and away from food. Apologies if this is miles away from anything you can see yourself doing but the idea spoke to me.

Hey. I'm standing with you. Or I was. A health scare woke me up. 10 weeks and I'm 2.5 stone down, and another 3.5 to go mind but.... low carving and intermittent fasting. It was hard to start with but quite quickly easier. The less carbs I ate, the less I wanted and my body now doesn't just burn carbs and want more carbs it's actually burning the stuff that matters. Courage, friend. Youre not alone and you are not as bad as you think you are, I promise x

Hey OP. As others have said, you are more than your weight...you are strong and capable and your body works and moves you around and is a thing of beauty.

Yes you're large and that's not ideal. The bleeding might be your size but don't let them not investigate it because of that.

I joined Team RH and started counting calories. There is a generous allowance and they encourage you to do your steps and exercise. Take one habit at a time and make like a snowball. It's far cheaper than most "slimming" clubs too. There are lots of fee resources and the community is amazing. It's literally kept me going through lockdown.

Chin up chick. You're awesome 👌

Look at this as taking control.

Nothing is forbidden or "bad", but everything has to be accounted for.

Start by honestly logging everything that you eat, that was the first thing that helped me regain control over how much I ate and why I ate - I was amazed how often I'd reach for food...think about having to track it and realise I wasn't actually hungry, I was just mindlessly reaching for stuff.

When you feel more in control of what you're eating/drinking it's easier to start making sensible changes that work for you.

Don't try and change too much at once. You might see a quick loss on the scales, but if what you do isn't sustainable it'll just make you want to give up...then you'll reach for the "fuck it" cake/pizza/bottle of wine and binge your way out of any progress you made.

It's taken me since last summer to drop my BMI 4 points and 3 dress sizes but I haven't slipped, I'm now running too which is incredible considering I started whilst wearing size 22 tight joggers.

Stop beating yourself up and get that control back, the healthier body will follow.

Thank you so, so much everyone. I’m crying again now but happier tears now. Thank you everyone for sharing advice and stories. Day to day I feel fine, I don’t feel that big or anything it’s only when I catch sight of myself in a shop mirror or like today stepping on the scales when i realise I’m not just a bit chubby. DP is at work but I had a little cry then shook it off and wrote a meal plan starting tomorrow and have already arranged meet a mate for a long walk. Not going to put mad pressure on myself to lose 18 stone in 3 hours because that’s not going to help me at all. I’m not going to weigh myself either, at least not for maybe a month. Just make small changes, cut out the pop and snacking and move more.

What’s crazy is I was looking back at photos of me as a size 10. I remember feeling massive in those photos, I was at a wedding in august in the blazing hot sun wearing black tights because i thought my legs looked fat. And I’ve realised this evening that no matter what size I am, or have been, for as long as I remember, literally as far back as my memories go I’ve felt fat. I think I need some help with that, not sure where from but I do

Thanks again though everyone, I’ll come back and update the thread in a couple of weeks let you know how I’m getting on

Just wanted to wish you luck OP, you're making the right steps towards change, which is amazing. Calorie deficit is really the only sustainable way to lose weight (eat less, move more). It seems so simple, but emotions can be so tied up with eating. If you've always felt negatively about your body it's worth looking at that too, perhaps with therapy. Anyway, all the best with it and be kind to yourself

A friend of mine described her relationship with food just as you have and she found ‘mindful eating’ super helpful. She has lost 30kg and is now a healthy weight without ever really feeling like she was on a diet as such.

You won't lose weight whilst you hate yourself because you will slip (it's normal) and then you'll fall into the pit of self hatred you've brewer up and you'll binge because your "horrible and disgusting and weka and don't deserve to be slim and attractive and a good wife" etc.

So if this isn't just the shock talking I think you need to talk to your GP about your MH.

It's perfectly possible to go to the BBQ and look stunning as a size 18, or to go as a size 12 and look awful.

How old is your son? Has the weight come on since you had him?

Oh OP, you can do this. I'm working on losing 4 stone. I use the Weightwatchers app as it keeps me accountable and I walk 3 miles a day. That's only an hour or so. There are some lovely ladies in the WW community who are on the same journey and they are full of care, advice, support and celebration for every win however small. It's great to chat with them when the snacks call!

Be kind to yourself through this. When all's said and done it's you, the person inside, who matters, not your outward appearance. Maybe you'd feel better if you booked an appt to get your hair done (when they're open) or your nails. Boost your confidence and feel pretty.

You really can do this OP. Be patient and determined and find the right tools that will work for you x