Arseholes Who've Ruined Groups And Hobbies

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

Moved house last year, then COVID happened.

I am CEV and so have done loads of shielding and joining a hobby group I was looking forward to post move hasn't happened but I am on their mailing list. For this specific thing they are my only option locally.

Get emails from the mailing list regularly and having had my interest piqued googled the social media presence of the named sender.

They are clearly an arsehole, a massive, tedious, arsehole with very "set views" which I imagine would need to be agreed with by any incomers, which is not going to happen. (They are a group organiser)

So potentially that's this group out the window...

Which made me think, MNers, were you / have you ever left a group style hobby you really enjoyed because of That One Arsehole and

What did they do? How bad was it?

Creative writing groups are usually free therapy sessions.

Oh Christ , this reminded me about Pony Club . I’ve had horses for over thirty years , and whilst not many , there are a few of my peers who , like me , still stayed with horses after their teens , despite getting married , working full time , having kids , you know , being an adult etc.So now , like me , people I competed against as a teenager , themselves have kids, and have also got into ponies . I was a bit older , so my Dd was the first of the next generation as it were , to get one . As we have them at home, she doesn’t have many horsey friends , so I thought joining the local Pony Club would be the way to go. So we join. At first, it was great . Very friendly , done for the kids , very much aimed at having fun but with knowledge and improvement as a secondary consideration. She was having a lovely time, really looked forward to going , made some friends to ride with , brilliant .

And then. Let’s call her ‘Becky’ joined. Becky was the first born daughter of someone I competed against 20 years ago, called “Amanda” . Becky herself was a nice kid , but Amanda was an over competitive nightmare when she was 16 , and nothing had changed. So whereas my DD had a perfectly adequate pony like everyone else , but certainly nothing that would set the world on fire , Becky was bought a schoolmaster juniors showjumper . And then , even worse happened . “Lucas “ - also not his real name , joined . Lucas was the son of “Amy” , who Amanda had been a massive rival of , years earlier. Then it really kicked off over the next year. Lucas got bought a prizewinning dressage horse. So Becky got bought a made event horse . And so it went on, with both parents spending literally thousands of pounds on horses , just so their child would beat the other . The irony of it was, that the kids actually weren’t interested to that degree of dedication. But the bad feeling was insidious . Every rally , every test , every competition, the side eyeying went on . It didn’t matter how well the child did , as long as it beat the other. In the end , the DC threw them both out , because it wasn’t in the spirit of the Club , but by that point, the damage was done .

My DD meanwhile found herself some riding buddies in our village , and prior lockdown , had just started riding out with them , and factoring in a stop outside the chip shop on the way home .. much happier all round !

@Techmina..
.why should you have to give up something you enjoy?
(its not on )

Can any of the posters on here,
give you @Techmina
any really good put downs comments to those sexist men at that Healthspa/gym, you used to go to then?

I joined a charity whose remit was supporting victims of crime. One training day towards the end of the course addressed domestic violence. An older male volunteer expressed his view that women bring this on themselves, and most rape cases are brought by vengeful women.
I didn’t stay long at that charity.

Following hot-footed in pursuit of the Roys (particularly in outdoor horticulture-related hobbies) are the Johns.

Give me strength. No, I haven't been a member of the club all that long. No, I haven't been doing the hobby since 1978 like you, but that doesn't mean that you can look down your nose and denigrate my ideas and opinions (and small but growing nugget of ability, as it turns out). I'm on the committee and you're not. I've won the xx category at the annual show the last two years running and you didn't. I've been invited to train as a national judge and you haven't.

Don't patronise me, you cantankerous old git.

@GoldenOmber
Omg. Was it on live journal? I think I met Dave or someone exactly like him

Around when the Black Live Matters protests started there was some really bad atmospheres in some of the sewing, pattern and fabric groups I'm on.

Basically if the group/business owner wasn't quick enough in making a statement about the protests they would get hounded til they said something. One poor pattern designer had to grovel very deeply as she had initially put out a statement (after much hounding) that she didn't feel that she had to say something as pattern designing had nothing to do with BLM. Fuel then got put on the flames by actual MAGA fans.

Things seem to have cooled down a lot now.

@NotFabulousDarling

I had to leave a writing group after an argument broke out amongst Americans about whether "Christmas" was an offensive term. They just couldn't see other British-speaking countries' points of view at all and kept accusing this poor Kiwi woman of being "racist" (they were all white Americans so this was hypothetical racism) for simply asking what was wrong with saying "Happy Christmas". Because, like many identity politics people, they expected you to Just Know.

Ha that's priceless. Sometimes it seems as if the entire internet consists of white people accusing each other of being white. It keeps them off the streets I guess.

I joined a dance class as an adult but the teacher was nasty at times and wasn't easy to get on with and we all went for a meal and she was so rude to me because there was a mix up with orders but not my fault etc

[quote thosetalesofunexpected]**@Techmina..
.why should you have to give up something you enjoy?
(its not on )

Can any of the posters on here,
give you @Techmina
any really good put downs comments to those sexist men at that Healthspa/gym, you used to go to then?[/quote]
I don't think a put down is required. I think a formal complaint is required so they can be banned from the gym. The fact that one of them is a PT is shocking.

Reminds me of the online seaglass group I joined. It was lovely, people shared pictures of glass they’d found all over the world. The history of some of the different coloured glass was fascinating. Then certain members started throwing broken glass into the sea on beaches to ‘seed’ the sea with seaglass for the future. I got terrific abuse for suggesting this wasn’t the brightest of ideas. I left.

Years ago I was part of a local photography group. It was really dynamic and successful, we had very popular meets and exhibitions etc. We used flickr to chat about photography and then someone came in to our group chat (it was all open to anyone) and started complaining about a street photo taken by one person who was a member. But that member had done nothing offensive or illegal and they'd not taken the photo on one of our meets and it wasn't in our group photos so it was nothing to do with our group and there was nothing we could do about it which we told them. This person then started attacking the admins of the group (of which I was one). They continued this campaign for weeks and it destroyed the group, every discussion was derailed by them attacking the member they disliked or the admins. They then set up a separate group that covered the same geographical area as our original group but as an invite only group and blocked those they didn't like from joining. It was such a bizarre situation, and quite upsetting when all we'd tried to do was run an open and diverse group to celebrate an area that is quite deprived.

I’m not sure where mine falls in the ‘people who ruin groups’ category.

Pre lockdown, I was in a small music group consisting of adult learners who ranged from moderately ropey to Jean who can’t count the beats.

We all took it in turns to stand next to Jean, and point emphatically at the music when needed. Occasionally people would muse about whether we’d be better off forming an occasional splinter group without Jean, and then maybe we could daringly do something advanced like 3/4 time.

Then someone brought along Rachel, who ‘was struggling to make friends in the area’. Rachel elected herself Part 1 of every trio and quartet, and hissed at poor Jean for every wrong note until the poor woman said ‘Maybe you’d prefer me just not to play at all’, and Rachel said ‘Yes, I think we’d all prefer that’, with an eye roll at everyone else.

Well.

Flummoxed, that’s what we were, including the very gentle young music tutor. Nobody wanted to be rude to the newbie on day 1.

Fortunately Jean is made of sterner stuff. Once the tutor had left, she drew herself up to her full 4ft 10 or so and told young Rachel that she needed to Make Something Clear: ‘I will take criticism from the tutor, but I am here as a member of the class, and so are you, and I do not take criticism from a fellow pupil!’

Exit Rachel, with a few exclamations of ‘Oh! How rude!’, never to return.

I have a disability and used to take part in a charity run disability sport group. I also gave up time regularly to help with admin, fundraising etc.

The set up was the session runs between these times (several hours), come when you want. Be here by 40 mins before the end if you definitely want a go otherwise it’s not worth it. I used to get a lift from a family member when they finished work. My family member would often, happily, help put equipment away.

But about every six weeks the same volunteer would complain I was getting there too late (I’d usually be there at least an hour and a half before the end) and have to have it pointed out 1) what the advertised rules were 2) I can’t drive for medical reasons and literally couldn’t be there.

Shortly after retiring I did an art course at our local college. At the first session it became clear that one man was going to dominate proceedings - there were only 3 men anyway among a largish group of women. The lecturer was a male. This one chap was the instant teachers pet, and I found it most peculiar that someone in their sixties should feel the need to fawn around another adult. Whatever we had studied, he would go home and practice, and then bring all the resulting artwork in for the lecturer to peruse. This always took time away from everyone else. He was constantly needing help, advise and attention, so much so he was virtually having a one to one class. I sat one evening for half an hour, waiting for him to stop talking to the lecturer so I, too, could have some help. In addition, this annoying man would appear silently at your shoulder and comment on your artwork, giving unwanted advice. It was like he had set himself up as a form of deputy. What was most annoying of all was the fact the lecturer did nothing to stop him behaving like this, and in fact they acted like some mutual admiration society. I got the impression they were going to the pub after, so they had become mates. Inappropriate and unprofessional.

I moved areas and was looking for a new choir to join. A friend put me in contact with a friend living in the area, and as FoF was a member of the local choir she invited me along. There was an odd atmosphere and there were clearly issues between sections of the choir and the committee. A few rehearsals later there was a showdown and it was the friend of the friend who had had enough of whatever the issues were and lost her rag, shouted the odds and then walked out. Accusations were made of illicit affairs and all sorts that had nothing to do with musical differences that had been the original issue. As I had been attending with friend of friend it was most awkward and of course I stopped attending. Shame as they are known as half decent choir.

@purplebagladylovesgin it sounds like an online knitting group I was in. Certain things could be posted on only their designated day and in a soecific thread only. The person who started the group suddenly turned into an autocrat & would ban certain topics from discussion. I never posted - only stayed for the inevitable drama.

Does the organisers of the group count? I decided I wanted to learn salsa and signed up to a new group. Paid up front. The two tutors decided that what we actually wanted to learn was ballroom. No. I had no desire to paso doublé or quick step. So someone asked when we were going to learn salsa. So we got two weeks of the most rigid, stiff Latin style ...something. If you tried to give a bit of ooomph one of the women swooped and held your hips or shoulders.Unfortunately one woman with learning difficulties had been drilled in what to do if someone touched you when you didn’t want to be touched and yelled the hall down. They didn’t do a second session of lessons.

@starfishmummy there was definitely a lot of drama. Mostly the leader telling us off for getting the wrong day or not attaching our sources.

@ClearMountain I understand your pain at having someone using nefarious means to crowbar you out of a committee-related job.

Some years ago I belonged to a hobby group which met once a fortnight. The Treasurer moved away, so the Chair asked the woman who did the raffle to become treasurer. She said yes, but as long as someone else did the raffle. Fair enough. The Chair sidled up and asked me. I said yes, as all it entailed each meeting was collecting the bits and pieces from the members who had brought stuff to donate to the raffle, put it on a table, and then sell some tickets.

And so it went on for several years. Then, in fairly quick succession, several people who would regularly bring nice things all departed. One died, one gave up the hobby, and a couple of them moved away. The table started to look a little thin. I mentioned it to the Chair. Don't buy anything, they said, just rely on what people bring. If they want more/better prizes, then they will have to show willing. It didn't really happen. So I started supplying a few bits and pieces myself, and since I wasn't buying tickets for the raffle, I didn't mind donating to the club that way. Some weeks I was supplying 3 or 4 prizes (admittedly small in value, but relevant to the hobby). And usually collecting over £30 in money from ticket sales into the club's funds.

By this time they had twisted my arm and I was on the committee. At one committee meeting, another committee member started complaining about the poor quality of the prizes, and how it was embarrassing how awful the table looked. That there was rarely ever anything worth winning, and it was a wonder I managed to sell tickets at all. By this time we'd had a shuffle round of jobs and had a different Chair. I explained that the previous one had said not to buy prizes but to rely on the members' generosity. Anyway, this woman was really quite scathing, and I was rather cheesed off, since I'd been quietly subbing the prizes for some time, and had done my best with very little money.

It happened again the next committee meeting, so I suggested that she take over doing the raffle. All done and dusted. Next group meeting was the AGM and in front of all the members, declared that she had taken over doing the raffle, and from now on there would be nice prizes and of decent quality - unlike the way it had been run before. Gee, all those years I'd done it, and not a word of thanks. Just another insult - this time in public.

So what happens? Lockdown, that's what, so no meetings, and she has yet to actually have to do the bloody raffle at all. If she thinks I'm donating any more prizes she's got another think coming

I used to go to a local dance class and maybe because I was the newest member, one lady gave me helpful hints and corrections all the time that felt quite passive aggressive. At first I thought I was maybe imagining it and being over sensitive to innocent comments, but then some other people brought it up to me in the changing room, so I knew it wasn't in my mind. It didn't hurt my feelings but it was irritating.

I belong to a society which is basically run by one woman. She is getting on in years but doesn't like handing anything over to anyone else, which means it will probably fold when she can't run it any longer.

She asked me to set up a FB group. I did this, and it was (and is) a great success.

She then discovered that many people who are not paid-up members of the society are on the FB group. She emailed me having a shitting fit about this, esp as info comes up there that can't be accessed by paid up members who have no internet (many of the members are getting on a bit, and are not keen on going on-line). I pointed out that all the info on the website is open to all-comers with internet too. This was Not The Point. She was completely irrational and really rude.

I did what she asked. It worked very well. She bollocked me for that.

I came within inches of telling her to sod it, someone else could admin the bloody FB group. I'm not another damn thing for her.

On the other hand, I belong to a fab book group and am on the committee of another club. Love both.

I was a 5-year veteran of a lovely friendly group of runners/ cross-fitters when a friend of a friend of mine joined. Said friend had mentioned it to her because she knew I was already a member, and I loved it. FoF was determined to be a Queen Bee from the start. Her M.O was to make bitchy remarks, disguised as backhanded comments about the other women (all delivered with a trademark tinkly laugh/head tilt) and make inappropriately 'flirty' suggestions to the men. All very uncomfortable She crowned it off shagging our (paid) trainer and then telling his wife.No excuse for the PT's behaviour. I was completely mortified and felt I had to leave the group because I'd sort of introduced her to it and felt responsible for the disruptions. Still, 18 months later I ran into one of the group and was welcomed back to their new sessions with a new PT. Never looked back and they're great mates! The Queen Bee is fat and single.

“Then she went on a Native American retreat and on her return made us do hollering and foot stamping which just seemed like total cultural appropriation to me so I stopped going.”

Sorry, but how is that more or less culturaly appropriating than Yoga outside of India (and/or other areas where it is traditional)?