Anyone else find Mother's Day cards uncomfortable to read?

[ContessaDiPulpo]

By that I mean the cards that pop up as adverts, not the ones I actually receive from my darling DC!

All these cards saying things like 'You're the best mum', 'You always have my back', 'You look after me and I love you for it' etc. I find myself reading them and becoming slightly sad at just how few of them would have applied to my own maternal situation. My DM died several years ago so this is admittedly somewhat of an academic problem, but I still find myself revisiting it every year.... I always end up thinking of that phrase from Philip Larkin, the one about the effort to find 'Words at once true and kind, Or not untrue and not unkind.'

Just posting for solidarity really!

[tofuschnitzel]

This clip from a stand-up set by Taylor Tomlinson is perfect for this thread
www.instagram.com/p/CBtNj5oAwAZ/?igshid=1n51cc3zncm8k

I'm so glad this thread exists. I dread having to mark Mother's Day and Father's Day, but I can't deal with the fallout if I don't send anything to my parents. It's always a struggle to find the right card to send. I even take size in to consideration as if there's loads of space in a blank card, what I want to write just doesn't look like it's enough. I struggle to write "Love fromTofuschnitzel" as well. I just don't want to deal with any of it.

[Libertynan]

@tofuschnitzel

This clip from a stand-up set by Taylor Tomlinson is perfect for this thread
www.instagram.com/p/CBtNj5oAwAZ/?igshid=1n51cc3zncm8k

I'm so glad this thread exists. I dread having to mark Mother's Day and Father's Day, but I can't deal with the fallout if I don't send anything to my parents. It's always a struggle to find the right card to send. I even take size in to consideration as if there's loads of space in a blank card, what I want to write just doesn't look like it's enough. I struggle to write "Love fromTofuschnitzel" as well. I just don't want to deal with any of it.

That clip is so perfect!

[VanGoghsDog]

I saw one on Thortful that said "everyone in this family has either been in or come out of your vagina". Which I thought was a bit too literal!

[temproasted]

Yep another one here who struggles. I have a mum and sort of step mum to cater for and it does make me a bit jealous in a way of all these 'best mum ever' cards. Same with the Fathers Day ones too unfortunately You are definitely not alone op!

[Stonecrop]

I’ve been thinking this for a while OP, it seems so unfair that people in this situation have to spend twice as long trying to find a suitable card or otherwise feel like a total liar! Especially when the worst mothers tend to expect the biggest best cards which tend to contain more text and so more potential for it to be right off the Mark!

[ThisAintNoPartyThisAintNoDisco]

Goodness this thread strikes a chord. I struggle with this a lot too. Many cards just highlight to me the juxtaposition of the way things aren’t to the way they could have been.

Recently a friend said she cried when she couldn’t see her mum because of lockdown, and all I could think was how relieved I am not to see my parents so much. The churning stomach, when I phone them - let alone go to visit - because they can be so difficult and argumentative is the polar opposite of her parental experience.

[LittleOverwhelmed]

Yes. We grew hugely apart in my teenage years and never really reconnected. Well we did physically, but I just never really got ion with her, she wasn’t my confident. I did a lot out of duty and care, but just found it hard to really enjoy spending time with her.

She was never ever wrong and insisted on subjecting us to passive smoking until I lost it with her when I was pregnant . I remember at my Nan’s funeral, she insisted going in the “Lead car” (with her brother who she detested and wouldn’t speak to) - rather than in the second car with husband and I - because it was a “status” thing. So husband and I travelled with my cousins. I wanted to travel with my parents because I was upset, but actually status was more important... quite a few things like that. She was never one for spontaneous surprises or thoughtfulness or treats. And never played games or went for walks with me.

It is very sad and she died 2.5 years ago: so no way to change that. Everyone else always said what a wonderful mum she must have been, I nod.

What’s in the past is in the past and is where it should stay. Time clouds perceptions. But I know what you mean about Mother’s Day cards...

[LittleOverwhelmed]

Also, in my 40s, my mother had a right go at me for going to London for the weekend without telling her. (I was with my husband and son - I wasn’t heading there for some wild bender by myself ). “How could you go and not tell me? What if something happened to me?” (You - and your friends - have my mobile and London is only a two hour drive away... she lived, at the time, 45 minutes away from where I lived anyway)

[Coffeeandaride]

I love my DM but still reject 90% cards on wording.
Either simply not true, overly sentimental and would make both of us recoil.
I found a plain-ish one this year in supermarket but was considering a blank floral one.
It said simply “Happy Mother’s Day” and I wrote “I hope to see you soon” as I do.

There is nothing true about this poem for me!

[MrsBobDylan]

Oooh, this is fun, here would be my Clinton's Card:

Mum - I am still scared of you (hence the card). You are unlovable and selfish to meteoric proportions. My gift to you is, quite literally, life because I don't have the balls to bump you off.

Dad - you could have been pretty decent because, unlike Mum, you had a heart. Such a shame you chose alcohol over me. I was such a lovely child, but presumably not as good as vodka. Shame.

[MrsBobDylan]

And yes @AnyFucker Covid has been the first time in my life when I have had any respite from my Mum.

I am gutted she has survived a pandemic. After the bomb goes off it'll just be her and the cockroaches...

[AnyFucker]

I get you @MrsBobDylan

[Yellow85]

Not real relationship with mother here either. I just send flowers, the florists writes something generic for me. Purely out of obligation.

[SunshineCake]

I'm wondering where I fit in having read more of these posts. Many of you have had your mums as children then as you have got older have realised she wasn't a good mum or even adequate in some cases. It can't be comparable but I wonder if it is harder as you have lost something you did have. (I don't mean kind mums who have diet). I didn't have the woman who gave birth to me looking after me once I was two but then I never had anyone else for my mum either.

Then 25 years later the woman is sending notes blaming me for not wanting to have contact. I feel shit about it and it isn't fair as I did nothing wrong.

I have struggled with almost every Mother's Day and my eldest is nineteen. This year I am going to try really hard to remember I am the mum in the Mother's Day and ignore the fact I don't have one.

[ContessaDiPulpo]

@SunshineCake

I'm wondering where I fit in having read more of these posts. Many of you have had your mums as children then as you have got older have realised she wasn't a good mum or even adequate in some cases. It can't be comparable but I wonder if it is harder as you have lost something you did have. (I don't mean kind mums who have diet). I didn't have the woman who gave birth to me looking after me once I was two but then I never had anyone else for my mum either.

Then 25 years later the woman is sending notes blaming me for not wanting to have contact. I feel shit about it and it isn't fair as I did nothing wrong.

I have struggled with almost every Mother's Day and my eldest is nineteen. This year I am going to try really hard to remember I am the mum in the Mother's Day and ignore the fact I don't have one.

Sunshine that does sound like a hard situation. I would imagine you might feel sadness at not having a (ideally kind) relationship with a mother at all, but also resentment at being guilted due to your refusal to accept a crappy fascimile of a relationship with said mother. You might also feel some of the guilt she (and possibly others) are trying to unfairly load on you.

If my guesses above are correct, then I can say I've felt some variation on all of them. I did also feel a small bit of genuine sadness when mine died, because there were times, sometimes, when she was ok; or at least when her reasons for not being ok were rather more understandable and forgivable.

I do envy the people who say 'Ah but it's your mum though' and genuinely seem nonplussed at any other point of view. They don't realise that they've got/ had something lovely, but I'm glad for them that they did. Wish I'd had it too but there you go!!

[ContessaDiPulpo]

@DropDTuning

I don't know if any of that makes sense, but here we are... the best I've been able to come up with in terms of heartfelt over the past few years is 'I sometimes wish you weren't dead'. That's a sad state of affairs really, isn't it.

It is sad, but you are very funny and you have an excellent way with words.

I have a reasonably good relationship with my parents (ish - usually!) but am estranged from both of my siblings which means my kids have never even met their first cousins. For some reason it's really getting to me today. My parents have a big anniversary coming up and we will never have one of those huge family gatherings with all the grandparents, children, grandchildren et cetera. Ugh to all of it.

Thank you DropDTuning, that is kind of you to say

I'm sorry about your siblings, that sounds rubbish

[SunshineCake]

@ContessaDiPulpo you are pretty spot on.

Luckily I have a lady in my life who used to take me out as a child and has never forgotten me and has embraced me and my children since I found her again about eight years ago. She's the one getting gifts on Sunday.

What is really hard to deal with is where I was settled as a child the woman who gave birth to me ruined it time and time again so I as to move/stopped adoption but where I was miserable as was being neglected, beaten and abused so stayed well away and just left me there. Yet I'm so worried people will think I'm mean to ignore her

[AnyFucker]

They haven’t lived your life @SunshineCake

Be glad for them that they can never understand. But you must live your life as you see fit.

[SunshineCake]

Thank you @AnyFucker. I know how wise you are from many other posts so I will take your reply and live it .

It is better for me to keep her out of my life as the risk of her hurting me is too much against the minute chance she has changed. Much as I want a mum. I can't risk it.

[MsLumley]

Same here OP. My brother and I have an annual rant about the impossibility of finding Mother’s Day cards which aren’t gushing and full of false sentiment. We both love our mother but I can’t send her a card saying ‘you’re always there for me’ when she very much isn’t.

[3CCC]

My mum is not a soppy sort of person and I'm that sort of daughter

I've been 2 supermarkets in the last few days and I would need a bucket for 97% of the cards. 2% were very much the opposite. 1% was nice middle ground of nice card not a rhyme or frothy sentiment in sight.

I found it easier to get a card from her dog than me

[MrsBobDylan]

@SunshineCake the truth is there are people who think giving birth allows a woman to repeatedly fail her child but still be forgiven. And that forgiveness is is the 'right' choice if we want to heal and move on.

Well fuck that. I prefer to stay angry and full of vitriolic hatred

[SunshineCake]

[quote MrsBobDylan]@SunshineCake the truth is there are people who think giving birth allows a woman to repeatedly fail her child but still be forgiven. And that forgiveness is is the 'right' choice if we want to heal and move on.

Well fuck that. I prefer to stay angry and full of vitriolic hatred [/quote]


I'm confused, upset, pissed off, sad and disbelieving of her behaviour as I'd do anything for my kids and they would never ever come before a bloke.

[SenecaTrewe]

Yeah.

I have a tricky relationship with my mother.

I'm just working on trying to be sort of mother my DD will happily send one of those cards to.

[Carbara]

‘Mum, everything I am is because of you’
Perfect! She loves giving passive aggressive cards, so this suits and is 100% accurate. My PTSD, mental health damage and body destroyed by cortisol and adrenaline because of her behaviour choices.
Didn’t buy it coz it said ‘mum’ and only posh twats say that here.