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Original poster

Anyone else find Mother's Day cards uncomfortable to read?

114 replies

ContessaDiPulpo · 08/03/2021 10:53

By that I mean the cards that pop up as adverts, not the ones I actually receive from my darling DC!

All these cards saying things like 'You're the best mum', 'You always have my back', 'You look after me and I love you for it' etc. I find myself reading them and becoming slightly sad at just how few of them would have applied to my own maternal situation. My DM died several years ago so this is admittedly somewhat of an academic problem, but I still find myself revisiting it every year.... I always end up thinking of that phrase from Philip Larkin, the one about the effort to find 'Words at once true and kind, Or not untrue and not unkind.'

Just posting for solidarity really!

OP posts:
PrincessTuna · 08/03/2021 14:46

There's definitely a market for factually correct cards. I struggle more with fathers day cards. I love my dad but he is doesnt fit the sporty, DIY support, cuddly, bank of dad narrative on cards.

orchidsonabudget · 08/03/2021 15:07

What is the difference between Mothering Sunday and Mother's Day?

Shodan · 08/03/2021 15:39

@ContessaDiPulpo Thank you, I appreciate that.

But (and I hesitate to say it, because it seems somehow sacrilegious) I don't, and haven't, felt any great grief at her death, other than the grief that comes when you realise that you'll never have the kind of mother you hoped for. If that makes sense.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
HooNose · 08/03/2021 15:48

I can relate to this. Like others, I used to buy Happy Mothers Day, or better still, Happy Mothering Sunday (for the pp who asked, Mothering Sunday relates to a church festival, Mothers Day is generally considered a modern deviation) for my mother. Or just a nice picture of flowers as she loved flowers. I couldn't buy anything which listed my mother's supposed qualities. She wasn't a bad mother, far from it, but I never felt loved by her as much as any child should.

I miss her, but actually, one of the best things to have resulted from her death is that I no longer have to pretend once a year that she was the best mother to me.

Original poster
ContessaDiPulpo · 08/03/2021 16:12

[quote Shodan]@ContessaDiPulpo Thank you, I appreciate that.

But (and I hesitate to say it, because it seems somehow sacrilegious) I don't, and haven't, felt any great grief at her death, other than the grief that comes when you realise that you'll never have the kind of mother you hoped for. If that makes sense.[/quote]
It does make sense, and I experienced that sort of grief too. In my case I did also find myself suddenly remembering how I felt when I was tiny, when she was my world and everything. That's probably why everything she did after hurt so much tbh - it was pain from an entirely unexpected source (at least initially - sadly I got used to it quite fast).

I've said to a few people that I have rarely actually missed her and they did look shocked. I guess no one wants to think that such a thing is possible....

OP posts:
CannotOperateOnThisFailure · 08/03/2021 17:03

[quote Shodan]@ContessaDiPulpo Thank you, I appreciate that.

But (and I hesitate to say it, because it seems somehow sacrilegious) I don't, and haven't, felt any great grief at her death, other than the grief that comes when you realise that you'll never have the kind of mother you hoped for. If that makes sense.[/quote]
I only felt relief. I think I did grieve, but slowly over many years while she was alive, more of a death by a thousand cuts - at every time I needed a parent, every time I was reminded I did not have that sort of parent. Her death brought a sense of peace that came with knowing there would be no more drama, pain or disappointment. I no longer have to dread the sound of the phone, no longer have to nod along when people talk about their mothers.

hadtojoin · 08/03/2021 21:58

I feel the same as most of you, my mother has never been there for me or supported me the way I expected/wanted her to. I always searched for the simplest cards. My sister and sis-Il's always sent really gushy cards with long poems, and mum would always insist on me reading the words on their cards and telling me how lovely they were. So for the last few years I have bought a card with the most words I can find and often have not even read what is written in them, and it keeps her happy.

Shodan · 09/03/2021 08:34

@CannotOperateOnThisFailure I no longer have to dread the sound of the phone

Yes. So many phone calls demanding assistance, regardless of what was going on in my own life. And usually ramped up around my birthday, for some reason.

And now I don't have to get wound up by an abrupt phone call or worse, a blunt text saying 'Need bread and red pesto'. Grin

And yes to a death of a thousand cuts too. Every dramatic demand. Every time she tried to force her own needs over mine, or my sons'. Indeed.

Marylou2 · 09/03/2021 08:39

Hard to find a card that says 'You're an adequate mother but would probably struggle to be in the top 50%'

Original poster
ContessaDiPulpo · 09/03/2021 10:48

There's clearly a market for 'non-gushy' cards out there. There should be dedicated 'functional' card sections in all card-selling shops, to prevent us having to run the emotional gauntlet of sifting through the non-applicable statements.....

OP posts:
FlashesOfRage · 09/03/2021 10:55

@ContessaDiPulpo

By that I mean the cards that pop up as adverts, not the ones I actually receive from my darling DC!

All these cards saying things like 'You're the best mum', 'You always have my back', 'You look after me and I love you for it' etc. I find myself reading them and becoming slightly sad at just how few of them would have applied to my own maternal situation. My DM died several years ago so this is admittedly somewhat of an academic problem, but I still find myself revisiting it every year.... I always end up thinking of that phrase from Philip Larkin, the one about the effort to find 'Words at once true and kind, Or not untrue and not unkind.'

Just posting for solidarity really!

One of the things that hurts me the most is the fact I will never be free of these feelings. Every significant life event, let alone Mother’s Day, her failure to care is there again. Other people saying “Oh what are you doing with your mum for Mother’s Day?” “Oh you’re pregnant! Congrats I bet your mum is so excited”

Having a mum who didn’t bond with you or do any of the things other people expect is a pain that never goes away. I’ve accepted my mum for who she is but I’m essentially an emotional orphan because I basically don’t have a functional mum.

It’s really shit ❤️💐 I’m sorry for everyone on this thread that has this wound. Xx

FlashesOfRage · 09/03/2021 10:59

@PrincessTuna

There's definitely a market for factually correct cards. I struggle more with fathers day cards. I love my dad but he is doesnt fit the sporty, DIY support, cuddly, bank of dad narrative on cards.
😂 There must be a market for “perennially angry, socially anxious, emotionally closed shut in” 👍
BrowncoatWaffles · 09/03/2021 11:06

My dad has mellowed with age (thankfully) but in my twenties he and my mum had a terrible time of it and he was awful to us and her in a lot of ways.

I have a really vivid memory of standing in WHSmith in my home town looking through Father's Day cards.

"Dad you've always been there for me..." No.
"Dad, you're so loving and funny and kind..." No.
"Dad, I love you more than I can ever say..." Erm, not right now.

I was there ages and couldn't find anything.

Definitely more generic Happy Mother's Day/Father's Day cards need to be a thing.

Libertynan · 09/03/2021 11:14

Yes - same here.

I spend a long time choosing cards for my parents/step-parents/absent parents to ensure they aren't too gushing and do actually reflect my feelings. So the simpler the better.

On the other side of this I go all out to buy DC super emotional wordy greetings cards. I add my own annotations to the text to make sure they know to what i am alluding though (and to add comedy). I hope my DC feel that I am doing a good job as a parent though Hmm

Original poster
ContessaDiPulpo · 09/03/2021 11:20

@Libertynan

Yes - same here.

I spend a long time choosing cards for my parents/step-parents/absent parents to ensure they aren't too gushing and do actually reflect my feelings. So the simpler the better.

On the other side of this I go all out to buy DC super emotional wordy greetings cards. I add my own annotations to the text to make sure they know to what i am alluding though (and to add comedy). I hope my DC feel that I am doing a good job as a parent though Hmm

I routinely comment to friends that I await with interest to discover the precise ways in which I have been a shitty parent Libertynan Grin the difference between me and my mother is that I will actually acknowledge the possibility of me being at fault and think that adults do sometimes owe children an apology for behaving poorly at least sometimes, anyway. I am definitely not Perfect Mum (TM) myself!
OP posts:
DropDTuning · 09/03/2021 11:31

I don't know if any of that makes sense, but here we are... the best I've been able to come up with in terms of heartfelt over the past few years is 'I sometimes wish you weren't dead'. That's a sad state of affairs really, isn't it.

It is sad, but you are very funny and you have an excellent way with words. Flowers

I have a reasonably good relationship with my parents (ish - usually!) but am estranged from both of my siblings which means my kids have never even met their first cousins. For some reason it's really getting to me today. My parents have a big anniversary coming up and we will never have one of those huge family gatherings with all the grandparents, children, grandchildren et cetera. Ugh to all of it.

Clawdy · 09/03/2021 11:40

Great one I got last year - pic of Freddie Mercury with "Mamma...Oo Oo Oo Oo!" written underneath!

niceupthedance · 09/03/2021 12:10

The worst thing about Mother's Day is that DM feels entitled to a gushing card and often asks if i can "write a nice message in it this year". 😡
This year since covid she has displayed the old selfish gene in spectacular fashion so I have not wanted to send her a card at all.

WindyPudding · 09/03/2021 12:24

OP I totally understand - I saw one today "to a perfect mum". And "Best mum ever" and so on. It makes me sad because it always makes me think of having that mum, what she would be like. Having a mum that I would love to pick one of those cards for and find a special present for. I usually have a little cry and mull it over around this time of year.

Of course it's also hard for those who did have lovely mums and have lost them - this year must be so painful for so many :(

However I will say it was even harder in the past when I still felt I had to do the mother's day thing for my mum because I had always done it since I was young and felt under pressure from her to pretend we had a great relationship. A few years ago (and I am over 50!) I finally bit the bullet and told her I wasn't going to take any more of her hurtful comments about my body/weight, constant criticism, undermining and shittiness, and that I do mind what she did in the past (turned a blind eye to sexual abuse among many other things) and I won't be controlled by her any more, and went quite low-contact. I stopped doing mother's day at all at that point. I still feel guilty (ridiculously, as her treatment of me has been appalling - but she's quite narcissistic and has to believe she's perfect) but OTOH I feel a great sense of relief as well.

I'd recommend it to anyone who's still pandering to a horrible mum. Yes the shit hit the fan - but I realised that spending my whole life being scared to upset her was daft when she doesn't give a fuck about upsetting me.

Funny I am a mum myself and my DC tend to give me a card or we have a special lunch - but to me mother's day makes me think of my own mum far more than that. And I will never, ever, pressurise or manipulate my DC to do anything.

Hailtomyteeth · 09/03/2021 12:26

I felt only relief when my mother died, seven years ago. Now, I can remember some of her good points an there have been times when I have genuinely missed her. But for years of her life I struggled with cards that said things I didn't believe, and liked the simplest of messages.

WindyPudding · 09/03/2021 12:31

I once saw one that said "you're a mum in a million" and I thought, well at least that would be kind of true! But I didn't get it because she would have taken it the other way and I couldn't bear it.

I’m essentially an emotional orphan because I basically don’t have a functional mum.

Flashes I know exactly what you mean.

Big truly loving motherly hugs to us all Daffodil

Lochmorlich · 09/03/2021 12:32

I agree op.
Every year I find a card that says happy mothers day.
Thats it. I can't gush because it would be lies.
But I send a card rather than upset my dm because it seems churlish not to.
My own adult dd sends a card to me full of love and gratitude and it's bittersweet.
I'm so happy she feels that I did a good job and so sad that I never had dd's experience.

Doublechins · 09/03/2021 12:35

I agree OP I have to trawl through loads to fond one that just says 'happy mother's day'
Also usually struggle to find a grandmother one that has all the lovely sentiments like 'thanks for always being there for me' but that's what I need because she stepped up when my mother couldn't be arsed to parent me.

Looneytune253 · 09/03/2021 12:39

Interesting thread. This is the first year in a few years that I just don't know what to do. Been NC for the past few but have been allowing some contact this year. I miss my dad tbh. Not sure whether to bother. My mum is so narcissistic she's gone straight back to believing everything is fine as I've allowed contact rather than addressing anything and ignoring the fact my conversations with her are really flat.

WindyPudding · 09/03/2021 12:47

My mum is so narcissistic she's gone straight back to believing everything is fine as I've allowed contact rather than addressing anything and ignoring the fact my conversations with her are really flat.

YES mine is like this too. If I take one tentative step hoping for honest interaction, she's all over me, constructing the "great relationship" narrative again.