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Original poster

How old were you when you stopped putting your parents on a pedestal?

53 replies

user2021 · 07/03/2021 10:13

How old were you when you realised your mum, or dad, made mistakes, didn't have all the answers, and didn't have it all figured out?

Embarrassingly it wasn't until my early 20s for me Blush Up until that point I thought my mum was Gods gift (single mum, didn't really know my dad), but she had a good way of keeping me under her thumb so I never questioned her or looked at her as just another human being. Now I can see that I actually don't really like her as a person (but I do of course love her), for example if she was a colleague, I really wouldn't have time for her.

OP posts:
activitythree · 07/03/2021 10:21

I idolised one of my parents. They basically fucked off and left me but the remaining parent and my grandparents made it sound much more 'glamorous' (can't find the right word) than it was. They wanted to protect me from pain when all they really did was help me place that parent on a huge pedestal. By the time I was in contact with them it was too late for me to see any wrong.

I was in my 30s before the truth hit me. I felt so many things and stupid was one of them, imagine not releasing that situation was not ok. I went NC with them straight away. They didn't care.

Original poster
user2021 · 07/03/2021 10:23

That's awful @activitythree
It makes me sad how easily a child or adolescent's mind can be manipulated. Glad you've seen the light now!

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 07/03/2021 10:48

I think I was 11, my mum got serious ill and my dad struggled with it, it continues for several years, marriage nearly disintegrated.

They reconciled but it definitely showed how a marriage shouldn’t be and how parents aren’t perfect.

SingToTheSky · 07/03/2021 10:51

At 13/14 when I finally reported historic abuse from my uncle, and my mum gave the police and SS a load of excuses and then begged me not to take it to court because her brother would never cope in prison

Mishmased · 07/03/2021 10:53

@SingToTheSky that is horrendous. So sorry you had to deal with that. If you don't mind me asking what is your relationship with her like now?

AlexaShutUp · 07/03/2021 10:53

Can't remember. Pretty young, I think. I love my parents dearly, but I could see their flaws from a pretty early age.

My dd is 15. We are very close, but I think she sees the flaws in me and her dad as well. We have always encouraged her to recognise our imperfections tbh - they're part of being human.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/03/2021 10:56

I don't remember ever thinking they were perfect, but in my teens I went through the usual phase of thinking they were wrong about everything.

Then in my 20s I had a clearer view of who they are as people, and which of their choices had been good and bad.

It was only when I had DS that I began to understand how consistently amazing they were with us as children. As in, my mother had 3 children under 5, and genuinely maintained the highest MN standard of parenting 100% of the time, seemingly effortlessly. I am rubbish by comparison.

badlydrawnbear · 07/03/2021 11:03

I was 8. I had a brother who was born very prematurely and died the next day. That was when I really realised that they didn't have all the answers and couldn't make everything better. As a parent myself now, I don't know how they got up in the mornings and did anything with my siblings and I and functioned at all, but in my professional life I have learnt about childhood bereavement, both being bereaved of a child and being a child who is bereaved, and wish that the resources available now were available to my parents and us as children in the 90s.
Things got worse from then on really. It was a dysfunctional family and I was a very unhappy child.

peak2021 · 07/03/2021 11:25

I'm not sure I ever put them on a pedestal to begin with. Love them despite their flaws.

FunnyWonder · 07/03/2021 11:55

When I was in my late teens/early twenties, it gradually dawned on me that it wasn't fair of my mum to use me as her go to person for complaints about my dad. I thought it gave us a closer relationship, as she didn't complain to my younger siblings about him. Yes, he was a pain in the arse who was introverted and miserly, but he was my dad. I had my own issues with him and shouldn't have been burdened by my mum's marriage problems as well. She only stopped complaining about him when he died in 2010. She's a very gentle and passive person and lovely in many ways, but I have been her therapist, not just with regard to my dad, but her whole dysfunctional family, for many, many years.

BerniesMittens · 07/03/2021 12:01

When my father lost his temper and pulled all the bookshelves off the wall and trashed the room and my mother denied anything was wrong and told us (I was 6) that if we ever breathed a word about it we would be taken into care.

When my father would spank all of us on bare bums for a minor misdemeanour no matter who had done it. Things like water spilled near the sink, a bag left in the hall and not put in the cupboard.

All polite nice family man in public and a bullying abusive tyrant at home which my mother brushed under the carpet as things you don't mention.

I left home at 18 and am NC with any of my family.

Sorry, this thread is more lighthearted than mine. Sad

Ulteregome · 07/03/2021 12:10

@SingToTheSky

At 13/14 when I finally reported historic abuse from my uncle, and my mum gave the police and SS a load of excuses and then begged me not to take it to court because her brother would never cope in prison
I'm so sorry that you were the victim of a paedophile Sing💐 I have a similar story, parents did everything they could to shut me down, said it wouldn't be fair on the paedophile to go to the police, no concern whatsoever for their own daughter. I despise them.
Ulteregome · 07/03/2021 12:58

@SingToTheSky

At 13/14 when I finally reported historic abuse from my uncle, and my mum gave the police and SS a load of excuses and then begged me not to take it to court because her brother would never cope in prison
Did you pursue the case though Sing?
SingToTheSky · 07/03/2021 14:13

Thanks mish and ulter - no I didn’t, I had no way of doing it without them as far as I knew. I’d done the video interview but that only happened because I’d told a teacher first and she had to report. I am pretty sure it would have got nowhere anyway - no physical evidence due to what actually happened (and what didn’t IYSWIM) and several years lapsed. But it was the principle of it, their lack of anger over it hurts more than what actually happened. And now I think about it that wasn’t terribly great of the social worker to not investigate what I actually felt about that Hmm

I keep them at a distance now, physically and emotionally. Not forgiven or forgotten but I compartmentalise it I guess.

So sorry you had similar ulter 💐 it’s very hurtful indeed. And bernie I’m sorry you weren’t protected by your mum x

Ulteregome · 07/03/2021 17:13

their lack of anger over it
I remember this very clearly Sing, I remember having a thought like 'oh yeah, how stupid of me to imagine that I was important'
the fact that her 'reason' was that her brother wouldn't be able to cope in prison, this tells you they know full well that what he did was bad enough for a prison sentence but they are deciding that their daughter isnt worthy of justice:(
of course the perpetrator knew that family loyalties would protect him even if his victim spoke out
the dynamics of my situation were very similar:(

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/03/2021 18:23

Never did for lots of reasons. It made me parent very differently and I most certainly made different life choices.

honeylulu · 07/03/2021 19:11

Probably not until I was 44 and had a course of therapy. I realised that despite the excuses I had been making to myself my parents had actually been shockingly bad parents to me in some critical respects. (Golden child/ scapegoat situation which came to a head when my golden sister refused to see or speak to me because I had a daughter and she didn't, and my parents sided with her because she was "sensitive " and "upset".)

Anthilda · 07/03/2021 19:16

Never did. Their flaws were obvious to me from a very young age.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 07/03/2021 20:32

I was 13 when my DF fell off his pedestal after he had his affair, the utter shit.

DM is still on hers, even though she passed away five years ago. She was perfect to me.

35andThriving · 08/03/2021 16:54

Having a baby made me see their impections more clearly. I think becoming a parent made me see their behaviours and decisions differently.

Sorefret · 08/03/2021 16:56

In 50 and I still think my parents are amazing. I don't think they've used it to manipulate me though and I knew early on they weren't perfect, they never tried to pretend they were.

35andThriving · 08/03/2021 17:06
  • Imperfections...I can't believe I spelt that wrong....I'm not perfect either! Smile
user1471538283 · 08/03/2021 17:48

I never had my DM on a pedestal because I was too busy parenting her and her baby behaviour, incontinence with money and constantly chasing men/having affairs. I hated her and I still do.

I idolised my DF and still do even though i knew his flaws. I miss him terribly

MrsBerthaRochester · 08/03/2021 18:14

I always excused my mum's bad parenting with her obvious(although denied by her) mental health issues. However since having counselling a few years ago I now see that some of her behaviour was and is unacceptable.
Leaving us to live with our grandparents to live with her bf who we had met twice. Allowing said bf to physically abuse us and then latterly sexually abuse both myself and my sister. Leaving with our grandparents again when she went back to him(and lied about it)
Refusing to ever discuss any of this as we grew up as she "couldn't handle it"
Having some sort of nervous breakdown where she used me as the scapegoat,told me I was the spawn of hell and that I had seduced her bf as a teenager. Oh and also saying is she ever saw me again that she would stab me.
I felt huge guilt as a child and into adulthood. Now I know NONE of it was my fault.

MrsBerthaRochester · 08/03/2021 18:16

Sorry didn't answer the question. Only now I'm in my 40s do I realise how truly terrible her behaviour is.

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