How old were you when you stopped putting your parents on a pedestal?

[user2021]

How old were you when you realised your mum, or dad, made mistakes, didn't have all the answers, and didn't have it all figured out?

Embarrassingly it wasn't until my early 20s for me Up until that point I thought my mum was Gods gift (single mum, didn't really know my dad), but she had a good way of keeping me under her thumb so I never questioned her or looked at her as just another human being. Now I can see that I actually don't really like her as a person (but I do of course love her), for example if she was a colleague, I really wouldn't have time for her.

I never idolized my parents. They’re both awful

Around nine at the latest. When I realised that my needs were never going to come before my parents

When I was 18.
My Dad has been having an affair and he had been quite happy to get me to drive him to his meetings with her and collect him at the end of the night. He had told us that he was playing pool in the pub for a team with his workmates, and we all believed him.

Young. By the age of 5 with my Dad, but didn't realise how much DM struggled with adulthood herself til I was say 17...

I don't think I ever did but as an adult and parent myself I can now see some of the (few) things they did right as well as all they did wrong - and how hard it all is. I couldn't honestly say I love them but I no longer hate them and make a point of parenting very differently, which has very occasionally caused my mother to question how she did things and comment on what a happy, tight knit little family we (my husband, children and me) are, so different to how I grew up.

I was around 19 years old

Around 11.

My brother still has them on a pedestal

What I can't get my head around is that I am now 10 years older than my DM was when I was born and yet I have been more mature than her for over 20 years.

I’m so sorry to read some of these stories, it makes me realise what a privileged childhood I’ve had, not money wise.

To be honest I still put my parents on a pedestal, I know they aren’t perfect in every sense of the word, but they have been perfect parents to me. They are still who I would go to if I needed advice.
I am mid 20s and have owned my own house nearly 4 years.

I don't remember a specific point of realising they didn't do everything right. I knew from quite young that they could make mistakes through not having all the information.

I did the normal teen thing of thinking they were all wrong about everything (even though looking back I quite obviously even then agreed with them over a lot of things).

When I was a young adult I thought they had really Messed Up parenting us... then I got the internet and can only wish that my upbringing counted as the messed-up one.

I still think my parents are awesome but getting towards my late 30s I could see some things my mum did wrong - I think she over-emphasised to me marrying and having kids as The Goal and she was always a bit 'You can't have a high flying career and kids, you have to choose one or the other' . Not that I regret that at all, and I am, as it happens not cut out for a high flying career anyway, but I want to let my kids, especially DD, know that they doesn't have to get married or have kids - they might find happiness another way.

Mum is also quite a compromiser and I think she sold compromise for the sake of an easy life to me too heavily. DH comes from a shouty, argue-y family and for too long I folded to him sometimes to keep the piece but I've learned to be less intimidated and to stand up for myself more because I don't want to teach my kids, esp DD again, that you fold to the shouty person. And sometimes it turns out I've made the wrong call, but I still feel good that I have stood my ground and kids have seen me doing so.

TBH, these are quite minor things and they have been amazing in every other way.

I don't think I ever did, I always thought I knew better the my parents from a young age. When I was a teen I thought they were wrong about everything. My opinion of them has probably grown as I got older, particularly when I had my own children and realised how hard parenting is. I still disagree with them on lots of things but they are basically good people.

Never had my dad on a pedestal - his flaws were obvious to me even as a child. Feelings toward him turned from fear, to hatred, to pity as he (and I) got older.

My mum was definitely on a pedestal until my dad died and I realised a lot of things, like her role in enabling a lot of the really unhealthy family dynamics. I'm fairly LC with her now but I suspect my sister doesn't see things in the same way and still idolises her. It makes things a bit awkward.

Dad, about 7.
Mum, about 16.

Around 11, I realised other adults and other parents didn't act like violent arseholes.

Actually, as I've got older I think they're even more amazing. Some of the things I was very critical of when I was younger I now understand

My mum was unkind and I realised at about 8. My dad was normal and I was an adult. Can't remember exact age.

Since going to university and working etc I’ve met a broader range of people and now challenge my parents (quite MC, right wing views) but generally I love them to bits. They did a lot right and I certainly base a lot of my parenting decisions on ‘what would my parents do’ which must mean something. They’re not perfect but they’re brilliant and I love them to bits. I hope hope hope my DC think something similar about me one day.

I found when I had kids it brought back a lot of memories of my mum's treatment of me at a similar age to my kids. I would think "I could never treat my kids like that"

7/8 dad had affairs, mum cried lots and emotionally shut down towards me. They both argued and their relationship was toxic. I saw them at their worst and most vulnerable. They divorced, dad drank a lot of alcohol, mum was on valium and as a child I had to get her washed, dressed and out the door to work.

I was then left over night and weekends while mum went out with men, dad worked and got drunk. I grew up far to fast and by 10/12 I was fully independent and looking after everyone else.

For my mum, probably very young indeed. She had mental health issues, still does to some extent, but I can remember being maybe three or four and knowing that I needed to comfort her, again.

For my dad, a LOT longer. He was the stable, reliable presence who I didn't have to tread on eggshells around.

But now I can see that he should have done more to get help for my mum, and more to intervene in her relationship with us. He effectively adopted my older half siblings, but although he was kind and generous to them, he didn't step in to protect them from her falibilities either.

And my mum's traumas from her neglected upbringing and abusive first marriage were severe. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't a great parent, and she wasn't a wholly bad one either.

I don’t think I ever put them on a pedestal. I love them, but it was obvious from a young age that they weren’t able to cope with life and that I could never take my worries to them, because they just panicked.

I thought I saw flaws in my mum in my mid-teens and blamed her, then I saw my Dad for the bully he was. He used 'sarcasm' as a tool belittle people. He was actually a very damaged man due to quite an emotionally abusive chdhood I think. Anyway, because of that my mum has shut down her emotions entirely. Shes very much a stiff upper lip and get on with it person. She doesnt have the 1st clue about how to deal with upset. I used to hate her for it, but my Dad died and I saw things for what they were. Shes with someone else now and very happy, albeit still slightly emotionally unavailable.

God just articulating that is actually quite 'freeing'

17. My dad crashed a car and lied about why to the police. We were brought up as children not to tolerate lying so it was a real “do as I say not as I do” moment.