Any women with ADHD here that can offer some advice please?

[SkankingMopoke]

For background: DD is in the early stages of getting to the bottom of things she struggles with. DH and I have always felt there were lots of little things that diverged from the norm or what was expected, but there were no clear indicators and when we had previously queried with school/preschool we were told 'no corncerns' - she's well behaved, wants to do well, and is bright. Concerns were initially pegged to her being young in year. Lockdown #1 flagged a host of new concerns and showed other things we'd previously noticed to be more acute. The school observed her for 1/2 a term at the start of the year and agree there are flags. They are continuing to monitor and have put in a few things to help with some of the things she finds difficult. The boxes she is ticking are still all over the place, but it seems to mostly point (in my completely unqualified view) to ADHD. Cue an awful lot of reading up from myself, particularly on how it affects girls/women...

Well, it has been an utterly bizarre experience. I feel like I've been reading a description of my life. I always knew I struggled with a lot of things others seemed to find easy, but just put it down to everyone being different/they hide it better etc. I had first thought that as I'd made it this far without any sort of help/label etc then there was little value in pursuing it further. I've figured out a lot of my own coping methods, and mostly surrounded myself with friends who are very similar so understanding of any quirks. However, this lockdown has really ramped up the struggles and I'm beginning to feel that if this isn't just something I've armchair-diagnosed myself with then I really need to get a handle on it for my family's sake if not mine. The last time I was feeling this bad it had a horribly detrimental effect on my business and mood at home, and took a long time and, eventually, a course of CBT to get on top of the worst of it. Friends and DH already (kindly!) label me as one of life's great underachievers, and I don't want to let any more opportunity pass me by either.

What I'm wondering is:

• Am I supposed to go to my GP with this initially? How would I broach it? I feel so much of it is me, but I'm worried about being dismissed. I know it can be a shorter journey for adults, but what is the timeline?
• How much will a diagnosis really help? Or would it be something that would get DD help quicker even if it doesn't help me so much? (Ticking the 'parent with the condition' box)
• Have you disclosed it to your employers? Did it cause any problems? I am SE currently, but I am hoping that will change in a few years and am worried it would disadvantage me.

Not myself, but DH went on the adult ADHD waiting list once DD was diagnosed as their traits are so similar. Her meds have helped so much, and that was encouraging to him. He's been on the waiting list for over 2 years though, Covid probably being a factor. Melatonin can also be prescribed for sleep problems if needed. Definitely worth approaching your GP with a tickbox type questionnaire that you've filled in.

I talked a bit about my experience on this thread.

I took a screening questionnaire to the gp. She was great and referred me straight away. Depends on the GP and area, but worth a try.

Diagnosis has made a huge difference for me. A combination of increased self acceptance and medication!

I haven't told work, but I am open about the things I'm bad at and need help with. I might 'come out' at some point just to be a visible ND person at a senior level. I'm a bit nervous about it though.

Good luck. It's a strange feeling when it all clicks into place, but I've found it really liberating!

Hi skanking, I'm going through the same wondering process, not because of my children, but because I started reading threads here about ADHD in adults and had that strange moment of seeing my reflection.

I wasn't that keen to go to GP, didn't know if they would take it seriously. I had talking therapies through local IAPT a couple of years ago and so I contacted the psychologist I had seen there - she had been really great (although we hadn't spoken about ADHD then, it wasn't on my radar). She has referred me to the local assessment team, who did a phone assessment and have out me on waiting list to see psychiatrist to do an ADHD assessment. I contacted psychologist just before Xmas, had phone assessment in February, and have been told I will probably have psychiatrist assessment in April or thereabouts. Timeline seems shorter than I'd feared.

I'm not sure what a diagnosis (or being told that I'm wrong and they don't think I have it) will do, but I want to follow up my hunch and go from there.

I was dx with adhd a few years ago, in my late 30s. My GP told me there was no funding for adult adhd diagnosis in my trust and offered me anti depressants. I eventually went private, The Priory had a psychiatrist who specialised in adult adhd, it was very expensive, worth every penny, but I'm angry that I was denied treatment as a child because girls just weren't diagnosed with adhd in the 80/90s and then denied again as an adult I feel I would have been taken more seriously if I had a y chromosome, but I digress.

I take adhd medication which I do now get on the nhs, when I remember, they're helpful to a point, if I'm well rested I can be pretty productive with them, but my sleep is terrible and a bad night seems to wipe out the benefits.

The actual diagnosis though has been life changing, I'm able to accept myself and not beat myself up for being lazy/unmotivated/a bit crap/ditzy... I now realise I've worked hard, and the effort I have to put in to achieve some things far exceeds what most people do, at some point that leads to burnout if I'm not careful. I now accept my limitations and work around them, so for example I understand that I'm rubbish at timings so I take time to plan a journey or meeting in detail, make a timeline, set alarms, give myself an extra 10 minutes, whereas before I'd not think it through, leave the house 20 minutes before an appointment that was a 30 minute drive away, beat myself up for being late.

I still fuck up, and covid has been awful, but I don't beat myself up anymore. I also take pride in what I can do, before I realised that other people found, making lunch say, super easy, and thought because I found that really hard everything I could do must be very easy, but now I understand that isn't the case.

I've just been diagnosed, I filled in an Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale (ASRS-v1.1) Symptom checklist and went to GP armed with examples what my symptoms were. There wasn't an NHS referral pathway in our CCG anyway at the time, so did a 'Right to Choose' letter requesting a referral to Psychiatry UK.

I academically did ok at school, college i was a quiet, invisible kid, I've always been late, messy & disorganized. I suck at Adulting, failed to achieve my potential, dropped out of uni, left jobs with depression burnouts. Lots of projects i can't start/finish.

Some doctors can still be if view that if academic/got through a degree can't possibly have ADHD, but its not the case at all. I know a surgeon & a barrister with ADHD.
Its been put down to depression/anxiety for past 20yrs while I have indeed had both I've been made to feel by GPs like I am also failing at getting better, not trying hard enough, well you had xyz treatment & so why aren't you better? nothing much we can do here's some SSRI's. Its been such a relief to know there's actually a reason why and simply trying harder wasn't the answer.

I think if you can afford it, go for a private consultation. My younger DB was told by his Dr that no way would he have got to age 45 without it already being diagnosed. Better Late than Never by Emma Mahony is an interesting read regarding late diagnosis particularly in women.

Your experience is not unusual (the penny dropping when another family member exposes some of the actual experiences and reality). I tried to ignore this and also thought 'how can it possibly matter now?' but it ate away at me. A diagnosis helped in that it stopped it bouncing round my head like a squash ball, but was also horrible and 'wounding' in some respects (seeing graphs on the results sheet that showed very good scores in some abilities then diving to the bottom 2 percent of the scale in others). Not something I could shrug off, but it does lead to very good self-awareness, I think. Or better, anyway.

I have once disclosed at work but changes of manager etc can put you back to square 1 as I am finding now. The initial reaction of the workplace was to farm that element out to Occupational Health very early on (when you cannot yet know whether there will be things in your situation that could cause particular difficulty). Maybe worth finding out on specialist forums or through ACAS/a workplace support service more about how to handle that. The other point is that I've known a couple of senior people, who were extremely supportive and really important to me and to students with similar conditions - but they themselves did not get treated well or 'cut slack', if you like, in terms of some of the difficulties and aloneness they came up against.

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/

This event starts Monday, its free for 24hr replay of the talks
adhdpalooza.com/women/

I could have written your post myself. DD has a formal diagnosis and I now recognise that I share very similar traits. I'm at the top of a profession but my guilty secret is that for 20 years I've worked 12-18 hour days to do the work that others do in a normal working day. But it's getting harder as I no longer have the stamina I had in my 20s and I crave a better work life balance. No idea what to do about it though.

Thank you for all your replies. It has given my whirring brain yet more to ruminate on.

@Ouchiehelpneeded your thread was really helpful. And so many descriptions in there that are me. The more I read, the more sense it makes.

I already have a GP telephone consultation booked for Tuesday about another (unrelated) issue, so am going to try and pluck up the courage to raise it then if they will let me tack it on. In my usual hyperfocused state that comes with stuff that interests me, I already have a comprehensive list of my symptoms with examples. Printing that out to read from will help.

What I'm finding most strange is that my DM never picked up on it (or if she did, never mentioned or acted on it). She was the headteacher at a school with a lot of SEN kids. Although I wasn't ever a disruptive child, looking through the lists of symptoms now, I met a lot of the other U18 criteria. I would love to quiz her about any quirks/difficulties she spotted or didn't, but she died a few years ago.

This happened to me. My DS has textbook 'male' adhd, and I had a diagnosis of a mental health issue that is often confused with adhd due to the varying symptoms in girls. My sons consultant was actually the one who told me to go home and look into it when he heard about my own medical history. From there I went to my GP but they were extremely dismissive so I went private and got my diagnosis. I will say, dissenting voice here, having a diagnosis hasn't helped me much at all. I'm not on any medication apart from sleeping meds which I was already on - DS is currently trying Ritalin - because I have lived with the way I am for so long that I know how to manage the symptoms without it affecting me as badly as it used to. Something that really clicked when I was diagnosed is why the treatments I received for the previously misdiagnosed mental health issue didn't work, as they're not remotely similar or helpful to adhd, and that's the reason why I ended up having to form my own coping mechanisms without support. I am not currently employed as I'm a student but I don't think I would declare it personally like I have in the past my other chronic health issues, my university disability service are aware of it though and I would have to consider the effect it is having on me at the time.

NotMyWay is there no way you can reduce your (official) hours and responsibilities? Use the clout of reaching the top? It might at least bring your actual working hours down to the normal 40/wk and give you some quality of life back? I know it isn't possible in all professions sadly... ☹ DH would like to go down to 4 days/wk but it just isn't the done thing in our industry if PAYE. I'm very unusual being SE and not working 6 days/wk (we're in different sectors of the same industry), but with no one overseeing my hours, no one knows or can judge 😉 I work the amount I need to to cover my outgoings but no more, to give me time to keep on top of everything else (including time to procrastinate!). It wasn't a problem for me to manage a 40 - 50hr wk pre DCs, but the extra physical and mental load they bring is just too much for me to manage alongside any more work hours.

@MummytoCSJH were you not offered meds? Or chose not to have them?

I sought a dx about 2 years after I started wfh full time. It bought my symptoms out worse due to lack of external structure. However I had masked/coped at cost to my stress levels for years.

Yes to GP, my guess is they will be more sympathetic as its a query for your DD too. Waiting times vary but you can use Right to Choose and ask to be referred to Psychiatry UK, you might not wait more than a month with P-UK. There is a helpful facebook group Adult Adhd UK.

Having a Dx- affirmation, helps self esteem (once you get over what if I had been dx sooner and got help feeling), private coaching/therapy, adhd books, access to meds, can tell employer for reasonable adjustments, Access to Work assessment-free work coaching, dictation software etc.

Meds can be life changing, also important to exercise and Mediterranean diet has been found to have some benefit.

I would not bring it up in an appointment for another issue. You only get 10 mins and will feel rushed. Make a separate appointment.

I did not tell my employer at first but did when lockdown happened. I have extra meetings with my manager (two short ones a week). Its covered under Disability Discrimination Act so they have a duty to consider reasonable adjustments. I would not disclose at interview as I don't think I need to.

If you apply for life insurance they can ask if you ever had an assessment with a psychiatrist and some will say automatic no, so its worth sorting that first.

Same as you, I see it in my daughter who is 3 and poss ASD/ADHD. I've struggled all my life and I'm now going to be assessed for ADHD once things get moving again. Docs referred me straight away but this is probably because I had recently been through an autism assessment that said I have traits but not enough for a diagnosis.

Hi OP. It took me five years on the waiting list for an assessment. Hugely helpful as then had access to meds. I have not disclosed to employer but one day might do to show senior NT person.

Oh and as PO said upthread, realised I'd been misdiagnosed with other MH problems which were really just struggling to cope with the adhd. Girls / women do present really differently.

@Midnightmunchi

I've just been diagnosed, I filled in an Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale (ASRS-v1.1) Symptom checklist and went to GP armed with examples what my symptoms were. There wasn't an NHS referral pathway in our CCG anyway at the time, so did a 'Right to Choose' letter requesting a referral to Psychiatry UK.

I academically did ok at school, college i was a quiet, invisible kid, I've always been late, messy & disorganized. I suck at Adulting, failed to achieve my potential, dropped out of uni, left jobs with depression burnouts. Lots of projects i can't start/finish.

Some doctors can still be if view that if academic/got through a degree can't possibly have ADHD, but its not the case at all. I know a surgeon & a barrister with ADHD.
Its been put down to depression/anxiety for past 20yrs while I have indeed had both I've been made to feel by GPs like I am also failing at getting better, not trying hard enough, well you had xyz treatment & so why aren't you better? nothing much we can do here's some SSRI's. Its been such a relief to know there's actually a reason why and simply trying harder wasn't the answer.

Wow, you sound so much like me.

At school I was the daydreamer. Smart but quirky and even in primary school having to ask for deadline extensions.

Sometimes I wonder what my life might have looked like if I’d finished uni and had a proper career. As it is I was put on a performance manage plan at work a few years ago. Partly because of my disorganisation and partly because I was too stubborn to take time off for my serious depression. I’m still at the same workplace and get get glowing reports despite the fact I still struggle at times which I’m pretty proud of.

I bought a house on my own which is an achievement but I find aspects of it hugely challenging. Finding tradespeople and getting quotes is very stressful for me.

This article popped up on twitter this morning. I think it might ring some bells for people here!

"The default assumption about ADHD is that it’s what makes little boys disruptive. But it can also make little girls feel like they’ll never be good enough."

@NotMyWay if you have access to a private assessment then you can try out different meds to see which work, that might be a great help. I read an article ages ago about people going to their doctors thinking they were getting dementia, only to find that they had ADHD symptoms which were worsening with age - but how great to find out that meds help at that point!

(I only mention private due to waiting list times and if you'd prefer your work to not know)

This thread is very timely for me as I have a GP appt booked for tomorrow to discuss exactly this for the first time.

I have spent this morning doing online tests (for the hundredth time) and printing them off. I've also started a (very big) list of symptoms that I have. Plus I typed up exactly what I want to say tomorrow to the doctor so I get everything across that I want to.

I'm now back in bed feeling very anxious and stressed.

It was actually an unrelated (to ADHD) MN thread that flagged it up to me recently. I was reading it and thought that sounds like me and someone replied saying that was her due to her ADHD. That piqued my interest so I kept reading and BAM! Kicked me right in the gut tbh. Started ferociously reading as much as possible, watching YouTube vids, doing tests, downloading (and not reading) books, brain dumping onto my husband. And then booked an appt for tomorrow with the GP.

I'm not hopeful for a referral or diagnosis tbh. I will definitely consider private although I cannot afford it. Will see how tomorrow goes first.

@sunshinecrocus I think downloading and not reading books should be part of the diagnostic criteria

I sought a dx about 2 years after I started wfh full time. It bought my symptoms out worse due to lack of external structure. However I had masked/coped at cost to my stress levels for years.

Yep this was me exactly. I'd suspected I probably had it when I noticed signs in my daughter but I thought she just "took after her mum".

She is ten years old and cannot dress herself. Not because she's physically incapable, but because she'll just sit there looking out the window and I have to remind her about each item of clothing. Same with eating -- if I don't remind her, she won't eat. Very bright but just the most "airy fairy" dreamer.

Which was exactly me to a T as a child! Always losing things, forgetting things, getting completely lost inside my own head.

I had a job which was (unknowingly at the time) very ADHD friendly. High stress, fast paced, always firefighting, deadlines and teamwork. Then I started running my business from home and absolutely suffered without the external structure and high energy environment.

I think a lot of people are the same with this lockdown - it's highlighting what we've been able to mask all these years.

Anyway, NHS waiting list is about 2 years. I'm in Scotland so can't do Right To Choose, so I paid to go private with Psychiatry UK and they've been great.

I will say they are taking on more and more NHS work as services close down and refer to them, so you'll probably find about a month wait for assessment and 3 month wait to start titration on medication. But that is still much better than waiting on the NHS.

Assessment is £360, followed by monthly payments of £105 for med reviews, then whatever the medication costs from a pharmacy. Once you're stable you can get handed back to the NHS where medication is free, and only need to pay for a yearly check up with your psychiatrist.

I really recommend How To ADHD on Youtube, as well as the Reddit ADHDwomen forum. Reading through those posts for the first time was just a constant: are you me? moment. I'm also listening to an Audiobook just now called "ADHD A Hunter in a Farmer's World".

@Ouchiehelpneeded Absolutely