Any women with ADHD here that can offer some advice please?

[SkankingMopoke]

For background: DD is in the early stages of getting to the bottom of things she struggles with. DH and I have always felt there were lots of little things that diverged from the norm or what was expected, but there were no clear indicators and when we had previously queried with school/preschool we were told 'no corncerns' - she's well behaved, wants to do well, and is bright. Concerns were initially pegged to her being young in year. Lockdown #1 flagged a host of new concerns and showed other things we'd previously noticed to be more acute. The school observed her for 1/2 a term at the start of the year and agree there are flags. They are continuing to monitor and have put in a few things to help with some of the things she finds difficult. The boxes she is ticking are still all over the place, but it seems to mostly point (in my completely unqualified view) to ADHD. Cue an awful lot of reading up from myself, particularly on how it affects girls/women...

Well, it has been an utterly bizarre experience. I feel like I've been reading a description of my life. I always knew I struggled with a lot of things others seemed to find easy, but just put it down to everyone being different/they hide it better etc. I had first thought that as I'd made it this far without any sort of help/label etc then there was little value in pursuing it further. I've figured out a lot of my own coping methods, and mostly surrounded myself with friends who are very similar so understanding of any quirks. However, this lockdown has really ramped up the struggles and I'm beginning to feel that if this isn't just something I've armchair-diagnosed myself with then I really need to get a handle on it for my family's sake if not mine. The last time I was feeling this bad it had a horribly detrimental effect on my business and mood at home, and took a long time and, eventually, a course of CBT to get on top of the worst of it. Friends and DH already (kindly!) label me as one of life's great underachievers, and I don't want to let any more opportunity pass me by either.

What I'm wondering is:

• Am I supposed to go to my GP with this initially? How would I broach it? I feel so much of it is me, but I'm worried about being dismissed. I know it can be a shorter journey for adults, but what is the timeline?
• How much will a diagnosis really help? Or would it be something that would get DD help quicker even if it doesn't help me so much? (Ticking the 'parent with the condition' box)
• Have you disclosed it to your employers? Did it cause any problems? I am SE currently, but I am hoping that will change in a few years and am worried it would disadvantage me.

@NotMyWay exactly! Life would be easier if I let things slide...but career achievement is so important to me.
My diagnosis etc wasn't completely done in the UK so not relevant. But if you have been called lazy, disorganised, etc it's such a relief to know that it's 'not just you'. I haven't disclosed to my employer mainly because i don't have any specific adjusments required - but when we return to office i probably will...

Not trying to derail the thread but for those who feel they were taken less seriously because they are female the government is calling for evidence on women's experience of the healthcare system . I have started a thread in Feminism Chat and I hope to give more information tomorrow. It should be a chance for female adhd sufferers to put their views on this to the government.

I'm going through this now. I got referred but was told that because I didn't show signs before the age of 12 then I don't have adhd 🤷‍♀️ so I've paid £300 and have an online assessment appointment with psychiatry uk. I want the drugs because other adult adhds say it helps them do more stuff, and I really need that. Good luck, be prepared for nhs to fob you off.

@sweetnessnfight I've heard this is extremely common among girls and women because of the way we're socialised.

I never had any major symptoms either because my life was run "on a schedule". It's hard to be late for every appointment when you have a parent making sure you get there on time.

It was only from about that age when I was given more responsibility that I was given the opportunity to actually fuck up.

Things like losing my mobile phone the weekend after my birthday. Constantly losing my house keys. My bedroom being in total chaos because parents stopped helping.

Is there anything you can remember at all from your childhood? I didn't have school reports that said anything other than "very bright but very chatty" and I couldn't find them. I got my grandma to fill in the form saying I was the type of child who always stared out windows, wouldn't notice when someone called my name, and would be constantly forgetting / losing school jumpers and cardigans.

But I explained to the psychiatrist that my symptoms (or rather, struggles) only really became detrimental when I had my own children. I can't even count the number of Mondays I'll wake up and realise their school clothes for the week is sitting in the tumble dryer, wet.

That was enough for him to confidently give me a diagnosis.

I found the actual diagnosis criteria online and reading through it really helped to jog my memory from childhood -- i.e I never realised that always losing my school cardigans was actually a really common sign (probably so common because it's one of the few "responsibilities" we get age 7, you know?)

Hope that helps!

@sweetnessnfight just remembered, another really common one in children (and especially girls) is not being able to sleep at night. So if that was you, definitely mention it. I used to lie away until well after midnight even as a small child, just living my best life in my own head 😂

I'm looking at the diagnostic assessment and one thing I'm thinking is I poss do some of the tings but have coping mechanisms. Such as having a pakce for everything or otherwise I'd feel overwhelmed. So I don't misplace things.

Or if I have something to do at work I break it down into steps.

The lying awake at night unable to shut off thing has always been me too. And DD. And my DM...
I used to read to focus my mind until I passed out (and the book hit me in the face). Since having DCs I can't focus on reading books any more ☹ I get to the bottom of the page and realise I haven't taken any of it in as I was too busy thinking about something else - so I MN or play maths-y games on my phone instead until my eyelids are dropping.
Poor 6yo DD can still be awake at 11pm some nights, despite lying in the dark for several hours. Now she can 'free read', we let her read until around 8.30, which has brought the average time she falls asleep earlier to 9.30-ish but we still get the odd run of really bad nights.

Yes, tacking this onto another appt isn't ideal, but if I don't it may be another 6, 9, or 12 months before I book the appt.
Does anyone know if BUPA would cover this? DH has cover for us through work, but he has only recently taken it out so guessing I'll need to wait to get any help from them. It could still work out quicker than the NHS though?

To the PP who struggles arranging tradespeople/quotes to their house - I feel your pain, but from the other side. I have a trade, and putting together and sending off quotes is by far the hardest part of my job (for me any way!).

@NotMyWay

I could have written your post myself. DD has a formal diagnosis and I now recognise that I share very similar traits. I'm at the top of a profession but my guilty secret is that for 20 years I've worked 12-18 hour days to do the work that others do in a normal working day. But it's getting harder as I no longer have the stamina I had in my 20s and I crave a better work life balance. No idea what to do about it though.

This sounds very familiar.

I'm in a similar situation except I have a son with a diagnosis rather than a daughter. Obviously I did loads of reading up about it and realised I very likely have ADD (no H) which would explain a lot.

My whole life I've been hapless, disorganised, messy, terrible at timekeeping and can procrastinate for England. I am wavering about getting myself formally diagnosed (the consultant who saw my son agreed I had many traits). Ive actually ended up being pretty successful in life (I'm a partner in a law firm and happily married with two children and a lovely home). I think what "saved" me was some underlying personality traits as I'm very determined, ambitious and resilient and that pushed me through. Though I do wonder what my life would have been like if I'd been diagnosed and medicated early on. I've developed many coping strategies without realising. I'm very reliant on lists and keeping things in the same place always. I also keep myself "too busy" as I need the stress and anxiety of an adrenaline surge to jolt me out of procrastination and into action. But I still end up wasting a lot of time and feeling cross with myself because everything then takes so long.

I know I shouldn't have done this but I did take one of my son's Concerta pills (just once) and found to my astonishment that I just plodded calmly through my to do list for the day and was finished early. Such a sense of achievement. A revelation!

But do I want to take meds every day when I've managed ok my whole life ??? I'm nearly 47 now.

@honeylulu why wouldn't you want medication when you know it works for you? Stimulant medication is short acting, so you don't have to take it every day, you can decide to use it only when you feel it would be useful.
I think resilience is of the positives of adhd, when you're constantly getting stuff wrong you get really good and brushing yourself down and starting again.

On sleep, I find that listening to podcasts helps me, it's like I can trick my brain into focusing on something else for 20 minutes and that allows me to sleep. It can't be anything too interesting though! R4 comedy often does the trick.

@SkankingMopoke it was briefly discussed and I was given leaflets and advised to think about it. I'm on a lot of meds already for my other health issues and the sleeping meds that I basically decided to leave it for now. I can always revisit it in the future, when I don't have as much on. The side effects can be horrendous until you find the right med for you as I've witnessed with DS, and I just don't have the mental energy to cope with it at the moment.

@trindi

I sought a dx about 2 years after I started wfh full time. It bought my symptoms out worse due to lack of external structure. However I had masked/coped at cost to my stress levels for years.

Yep this was me exactly. I'd suspected I probably had it when I noticed signs in my daughter but I thought she just "took after her mum".

She is ten years old and cannot dress herself. Not because she's physically incapable, but because she'll just sit there looking out the window and I have to remind her about each item of clothing. Same with eating -- if I don't remind her, she won't eat. Very bright but just the most "airy fairy" dreamer.

Which was exactly me to a T as a child! Always losing things, forgetting things, getting completely lost inside my own head.

I had a job which was (unknowingly at the time) very ADHD friendly. High stress, fast paced, always firefighting, deadlines and teamwork. Then I started running my business from home and absolutely suffered without the external structure and high energy environment.

I think a lot of people are the same with this lockdown - it's highlighting what we've been able to mask all these years.

Anyway, NHS waiting list is about 2 years. I'm in Scotland so can't do Right To Choose, so I paid to go private with Psychiatry UK and they've been great.

I will say they are taking on more and more NHS work as services close down and refer to them, so you'll probably find about a month wait for assessment and 3 month wait to start titration on medication. But that is still much better than waiting on the NHS.

Assessment is £360, followed by monthly payments of £105 for med reviews, then whatever the medication costs from a pharmacy. Once you're stable you can get handed back to the NHS where medication is free, and only need to pay for a yearly check up with your psychiatrist.

I really recommend How To ADHD on Youtube, as well as the Reddit ADHDwomen forum. Reading through those posts for the first time was just a constant: are you me? moment. I'm also listening to an Audiobook just now called "ADHD A Hunter in a Farmer's World".

trindi do you mind saying if you approached your GP before going for a private diagnosis?

I've been thinking about trying to get a diagnosis for at least 2 years but haven't done anything at all about it so far. I'm scared my GP will dismiss me so I'm tempted bypass them completely but also worried it will look like I'm not serious if I haven't spoken to my GP (RSD seems to feature prominently in my list of ADHD related problems).

A few people have shared the symptoms they experience. I'd be really interested to know what other symptoms or behaviours people have /had which you now understand to be Adhd.

So struggling with decisions - I struggle with food particularly because of this, when to eat what to eat do I have time to prep.. I now understand this as executive function difficulties.
As a child, and now really I can day dream for hours, get very easily distracted. All my school reports stated I was a chatter box and day dreamer, which are classic symptoms.
I can procrastinate but also am sometimes very impulsive. I think that links back to struggling with decisions.
I have no concept of time.
I can hyper focus on things that interest me but can't motivate myself to do boring things.
I lose stuff constantly - basically if I can't see something I have no memory for where it is, so I end up with everything in view which is really messy.

@goldenshoe I didn't approach my GP first, no.

To be honest I have a real avoidance of going to the doctors anyway and have had a few poor experiences in the past of being "fobbed off" for various things - including something which lead to an extended stay in ICU and almost cost me my life.

So after reading around and realising that ADHD is commonly under-diagnosed in women (because people still see the young boy with ants in their pants stereotype) OR put down to other things such as depression and anxiety, I decided to just pay the money and bypass it all entirely.

With being in Scotland I couldn't have done Right To Choose anyway (which is where you go to your GP and ask to be referred to Psychiatry UK, making diagnosis and treatment free) so there wouldn't have been much point going to the GP since I'd have to wait two years at best even if they were supportive.

But if finances are tight (and you're in England) you might want to consider that route (GP then Right To Choose)? If so, I really recommend printing off the diagnostic criteria and going armed with a list of how it actually affects you in day-to-day life, with examples. My biggest fear was I'd get the "well everyone is a little forgetful sometimes, everyone procrastinates sometimes, everyones mind feels like it's running at 1000mph sometimes, everyone is a little impulsive."

So I was armed with a list of "yes, but does everyone else drive to B&Q at 9pm on a Friday night, spend £300 they don't have on decorating supplies, then not sleep for two days because they saw an ad for wallpaper on facebook?" "Does everyone else have a fridge full of food that went off two months ago?" "Does everyone else leave the house 10 minutes before an appointment that they KNOW is exactly 10 minutes away on an exceptionally good low traffic day, because of course it'll be alright?" "Does everyone else drink three cups of coffee before bed because caffeine has the opposite effect on them, and actually calms them down enough to sleep?"

That kind of thing. It really helps to have all the ways it's affecting your life written down and clear. I mean, like PPs on this thread I'm an intelligent person who did well at school and managed to have a good career. On paper, I'm doing just fine! But my impulsivity especially has ruined relationships and led to choices that have seriously impacted my life. It's important to get all those impacts clear, because imposter syndrome is a huge part of it and there's not a month that goes by where I don't question at least once if I'm really just a lazy idiot who fails at adulting and motherhood.

So all that said, if you have the money I recommend going private. It's nice not to have to "fight" and for the doctor to instantly affirm everything that you're saying is not actually normal, and not something that "happens to everyone sometimes".

Bookmarking this thread as my DD dropped the bombshell that at 21 she believes herself to have adhd and is possibly asd, too. She had no flags that I could see when she was younger, but began to change at around 15, a time when I was dealing with ailing parents and eventual loss. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but was hugely secretive about what was going on and shut us out completely, having counselling, getting medication etc without our involvement. (Not taking anything now).

It is only now that she is at university that she realises how much longer it takes her to complete work compared with her peers. Nothing was ever flagged through school, and she claims that she was invisible to her teachers. Not true, as far as I could see. I don't know how much of what she believes is actually true, as it seems like she has edited her back story to fit the current narrative. She rarely contacts us, and then only when absolutely necessary . I am heartbroken as I know I have lost her. I presume that she feels let down by us, and that we should have known that there was "something wrong with her". I always wanted to let my DC be themselves and didn't compare them to others. As a parent where do you draw the line between seeing a child as somehow blighted if there are some things about them that is perhaps not ideal, and just seeing them as individual?

The only thing that jumps out at me from the above comments is that she always had sleep problems, even as a baby. I did seek professional help but nothing worked and I assumed that she would grow out of it. Being secretive, I don't know how much more she kept from me, but I still find it hard to believe that she is anything other than my perfect girl. She mentioned that she is seeking a diagnosis as she wants to try medication to see whether it will help, and to justify her being the way she is. Sorry, went on longer than intended.

simbobs have you come at it with with the angle that you believe her, and then maybe go through the symptom list and talk through examples? You don't come across as hugely supportive of her feelings/quite dismissive. If she is naturally very private, then it was probably really hard to tell you at all. I'm a bit like this. I haven't spoken to DH about the possibility I may have ADHD yet (that fear of being dismissed again!). When I hit a MH crisis in 2019 following a bereavement I didn't talk about what was going on until I had already been assessed, done the wait, and was about to start the course of CBT. I have a tendency to stick my head in the sand and not deal with those sorts of conversations as I just don't know how to start them. It got to the point I had to say something as he would have wondered where I was going every week, and why I couldn't take DCs! I will talk to DH about this once I have a referral so I feel 'safe' that he won't easily dismiss it.

And FWIW, I think it is OK to point out DCs failings to them if done sensitively and with the motive of working out strategies to manage them. It of course should be equally balanced by pointing out all the things they are great at too.

trindi thanks so much, that's a big help. I'm in Scotland and the costs you describe aren't prohibitive so I think I may go this route. I've also had experiences with GPs and doctors where I've been dismissed, though nothing quite as serious as you and I hope you've recovered well.

I have a dossier on myself with all the examples I can think of. Every time I find a discussion like this I'll jot it down notes and examples of my own behaviours. I do worry about having to speak to people from my childhood as I'm not close to my parents/family in that way and I don't have any childhood friends or school reports etc. I'm not even sure my partner would be much help for this.

On paper I'm doing terribly, but I doubt anyone who knows me would realise as it looks good from the outside. It feels like an odd situation, and I really wish it had been picked up earlier.

I've found most people who know me are dismissive, only dh really gets it. Old friends don't see it at all which is odd.

Work are supportive, I work as a SEN teacher, had done for nearly a decade before I realised I had adhd, I knew I wasn't neuro typical, but I didn't know why.

Exact same for me.

DD started with intense anxiety during Y1.

The more I read the more ADHD kept cropping up. Then as I read about it in girls/women realisation hit.

We're waiting on a CAHMS assessment for DD. But I had mine privately and started on Lisdexamfetamine at the end of last summer.

Has really really improved my life a lot. Stops my binge eating. Lessened my anxiety and panic attacks. And my head is so much quieter. I'm also a lot calmer and more patient when medicated.

@Okbussitout

I'm looking at the diagnostic assessment and one thing I'm thinking is I poss do some of the tings but have coping mechanisms. Such as having a pakce for everything or otherwise I'd feel overwhelmed. So I don't misplace things.

Or if I have something to do at work I break it down into steps.

Thats great though.

I scored very low on hyperactive symptoms and higher on others. It may mean mild adhd rather than severe, but still significant enough if it has an impact overall on day to day functioning.

I also struggle with change, someone said the brain does not like inconsistency and this is true. I rely on remembering things by rote/muscle memory as I don't do executive functioning so well so am utterly discombobulated by change such as a new job.

@Okbussitout

A few people have shared the symptoms they experience. I'd be really interested to know what other symptoms or behaviours people have /had which you now understand to be Adhd.

As a child I had no idea but school reports say day dreamer, messy homework, lack attention to detail, repeatedly! Plus could try harder.

As an adult, lack of forward planning, struggle to start/finish tasks, underestimate time, zero time awareness, start things only when deadline is close, cycles of debt, hard to process complex emotions (I think this is an under discussed aspect of ADHD), slow cognitive processing, sensitive to rejection, losing items, feelings of shame, compensate by joking, struggle with house chores/personal care, strong need to please, anxiety.

Good in a crisis .

I asked the GP today during the appointment for something else, and she has booked me an appointment for next week to discuss it properly. I'm feeling a churning mixture of relief, panic, excitement, apprehension, and optimism... It looks like I will be spending the coming week in 'Mega Overthinking & List Making Mode'!

Sorry to gatecrash your post OP but it has really got me thinking - I have thought for a year or so now that I may have ADHD. I was diagnosed with depression at 16 and hospitalised with depression and anxiety in my early thirties following a breakdown through stress at work - feeling overwhelmed by not being able to get everything done.

I was a very 'bright' child and that was enough to get me through primary school well. I started to get anxiety at secondary school and always felt different to everyone else. I'm educated to degree level - I didn't do particularly well for my ability at school, but I chose a degree subject I was really interested in and got a first, but even then I did everything last minute - getting up at 4am to finish essays on the day they were due and on the day to revise for exams.

I have to work really hard to be on time (often quite unsuccessfully) - no matter how much I plan I always underestimate how long things will take. I find it really hard to keep things tidy and organised - although I can organise things initially quite well, I just can't keep the organisation going. I constantly lose things like keys, phone, glasses - and then find them 15 minutes later after much searching.

I also can read pages of a book and have no idea what I've read. A pp said they find caffeine makes them sleepy - if I have a coffee in the daytime at home I'll often fall asleep where I'm sitting, and if I play a game on my phone in the evening I will quite literally nod off, in fact I often use my phone in that way to get to sleep at night.

But if I get engrossed in something I can focus on it for hours and hours. I have been on various antidepressants for most of my life, at one point I was put on old style MAOI drugs - in hindsight everything was different then, I was the most creative and productive I have ever been and I lost a lot of weight without trying (food is definitely a tool I use to distract myself, procrastinate, and numb my thoughts with.) I've since googled those particular drugs and found that they can be used to treat ADHD with some success.

I'm now in my fifties and wondering if it's worth seeking a diagnosis? I think if I was diagnosed and given the correct medication it 'could' potentially change the rest of my working life at least. As well as allowing me to make sense of all of my perceived failures in life to date.

Following as I had my GP appt today and she has agreed to refer me - hope yours goes as smoothly OP!