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Original poster

Would your ex-bully a chance ?

87 replies

DeepThinkingGirl · 04/03/2021 23:42

Hi all,

If someone bullied you for a prolonged period of time while you were in a weak vulnerable place.. and came to ask for forgiveness after 3 and a half years of consistently treating you like trash..

They said they wanna talk about it and want to know what they can do to make it better.. and that they want to apologise properly..

Would you.. open the doors for such conversation ?

And what would you ask for in order to rebuild the trust and remove the hurt.

OP posts:
23PissOffAvenueWF · 04/03/2021 23:45

I would delete and block.

What sort of self-serving drama llama would even do that?

I’d have no interest in what they could possibly have to say, and would very much enjoy holding the power over them.

I haven’t been in such a scenario, so feel free to ignore my thoughts, though.

Hope you’re OK Flowers

EugenesAxe · 04/03/2021 23:51

I wouldn't entertain it I'm afraid. If they genuinely felt remorse then they shouldn't need me to validate it for them.

Remember Carrie, Never Been Kissed and Monsters University. Hmm

Bluntasduck · 04/03/2021 23:51

I haven't got the time or energy for that. I wouldn't make space in my life to give them a chance to rebuild anything.

Viviennemary · 04/03/2021 23:52

No. Too late.

MorriseysGladioli · 04/03/2021 23:54

They sound quite demanding for a person who is so sorry for the way they behaved.

Surely it would be for you to decide under which terms you would see them? (None, hopefully)

UhtredRagnarson · 04/03/2021 23:54

No. It would be akin to self harming.

They are doing it for them. Not you. You owe them nothing. Prioritise yourself- no one else can do that for you except you. That’s your job. Delete and block.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 04/03/2021 23:54

No.

I was bullied at work for years. Years.

I would never forgive him for what he put me through. Even if he was on his death bed weeping.

I tried to be the better person. I tried to rise above it. I really did. I wasn’t in a weak and vulnerable place but it didn’t take long to make me feel that way. He damaged me in ways that my violent ex didn’t even come close to.

He drove me to the point of wishing I wouldn’t wake up.

I would always be suspicious of any apology offered. I would believe it would be to make himself feel better, not to feel true remorse and to ease my soul. Nothing could take away the years of misery, the blackening of my character, the false allegations. Nothing.

Sorry that probably isn’t helpful.

I wish you well and healing. Only you know if they are capable of being truly sorry. And if you think it would be meaningful and helpful to you. Flowers

Enough4me · 04/03/2021 23:55

No way. You don't want to, so don't!

Hailtomyteeth · 05/03/2021 00:11

No.

Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 05/03/2021 00:19

I have blocked any one to one interaction with them.

But they’re a relative and so we do encounter each other which I’ve managed to be civil at those occasions whixh are minimal.

But they have approached someone very close to me and close to them, and asked them to ask me what I want to be able to feel less hurt by them..

Conveniently at a time when they need support from that third person who has been distant from the bully due to what they have done to me.. and them.

OP posts:
SneezyGonzalez · 05/03/2021 00:21

No way, I went through similar with someone, they randomly apologised a few times (off the back of some sort of therapy they were having) and only went and did it again in an even worse level.

Agree with what the others have said, they’re apologising for their own benefit, not yours.

You are not their metaphorical punchbag. Let them hold on to their own shit.

Love51 · 05/03/2021 00:29

I'd say she can't undo the pain she has caused. I'd like her to refrain from causing further pain by respecting the boundaries you have put on place, not trying to circumvent them through a third party.

DramaAlpaca · 05/03/2021 01:06

No. Absolutely not.

SandAndSea · 05/03/2021 01:08

I think you can accept an apology and forgive the person, for you, without seeing them and without letting them back in.

Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 05/03/2021 01:19

They have asked for forgiveness before.. a casual one. And I gave them a casual ok and a hug and a tear and then told them that they mean a lot to me.

And then they went on to treat me like trash and I regretted it so much. So so much. It makes me feel sooo much anger towards myself that I uttered the words “you mean a lot to me”. I feel like that’s the worst thing I could’ve said. I wanted to believe her apology so badly. Because I’m such a people pleasing idiot. That was 3 years ago. I don’t think I trust myself even to do the right thing.

I wonder whether I should give myself that chance.. to do right by myself .. to tell her exactly how cruel she was. With all the details. And let her know that I’m still healing but I’m in a much better place right now and I’m thankful for it. And that I don’t want anything from her and she needs to sort out her guilt on her own. As I’m not ready to Beleive she is sincere.

But part of me don’t know how much hurt she is still capable of causing me if she doesn’t get her way ..

OP posts:
YNK · 05/03/2021 01:40

I'd take the apology so long as she is prepared to hear how you were affected.
I would make absolutely 100% sure that she understands that forgiveness does not mean forgetting and having a clean slate. Also make sure this forgiveness does not involve dropping your guard or shifting your boundaries.

YNK · 05/03/2021 01:42

Although it's always possible you will hear her out and still not be able to either forgive or forget and that's ok too.

Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 05/03/2021 01:52

YNK

Do you think it’s ok to expect her to fix what’s within her control in terms of damage she caused ?? To prove she is sincere before I could forgive her.

Like she told multiple people lies about me and I lost so much support because of it and I feel she is able to go tell them that she has lied. And it will probably be humiliating for her but she can start her journey of fixing up that way and have some
Accountability.

Do I give her a list of things to do before I can forgive her or is that just unhealthy ?

OP posts:
CaffeineInfusion · 05/03/2021 02:13

The last thing I'd do is give her what she wants. Whatever that be be.

Acknowledgement? No thanks.
A conversation? Hell no.
Forgiveness? Hahahaha

I wouldn't be rude, because I wouldn't want to lower my standards to hers. I would just tune out to her existence. It becomes second nature after a while.

Ohwhatllipick · 05/03/2021 02:21

How old were they at the time? Is there a chance they have matured and changed? If they do mean it, it can be helpful to talk about it as the bully is the only other person who knows, who really knows, what they did.
If they are just trying to wheedle their way back in with the third person though - yeah, then it’s a ‘no’ from me as well. If they are genuinely sorry they’ll still be sorry in 10 years time, and prepared to talk about it if that’s what you want. You could say you’re not ready to talk about it yet and you’ll let them know if/when you are. So you aren’t being rude but also not opening yourself up. If they still look sorry in a while and you feel like it, you can look them up.

Ohwhatllipick · 05/03/2021 02:25

“You mean a lot to me” - ah so close to “you’re mean a lot to me”. Could you pretend?

Ohwhatllipick · 05/03/2021 02:31

Also absolutely if there is damage she can fix - if she is sorry she will fix it. Even if the thing she has lied about doesn’t matter to anyone else any more. She could say she is sorry for what she did to you and that she feels it’s important to set the record straight.

tenredthings · 05/03/2021 02:32

I would not forgive and I would not trust them. Telling them how much they've hurt you risks opening yourself up to more hurt if they are manipulative and mean. Look up 'grey rock ' and take that approach.

Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 05/03/2021 03:15

If they are genuinely sorry they’ll still be sorry in 10 years time, and prepared to talk about it if that’s what you want. You could say you’re not ready to talk about it yet and you’ll let them know if/when you are

Wow.. this is such good advice.. thank you everyone.

The truth is playing that conversation in my head made me realise why it’s not even an option. I do think if I didn’t do it on her terms she would completely continue her hostility which basically means I don’t feel she is ready to understand what a sincere apology is and I don’t think my feelings are a huge part of her equation and she is probably just being practical about making things easier for herself.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 05/03/2021 03:32

If there are things she could do to right some of the wrong she's done to you, like admit to the lies, I would probably tell the go-between that you don't think she's sincere because she can't even be honest with other people or whatever other obvious thing she could do, but also that you aren't ready to talk about it yet and bully will just need to make things as right as she can without your input.

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