Would your ex-bully a chance ?

[DeepThinkingGirl]

Hi all,

If someone bullied you for a prolonged period of time while you were in a weak vulnerable place.. and came to ask for forgiveness after 3 and a half years of consistently treating you like trash..

They said they wanna talk about it and want to know what they can do to make it better.. and that they want to apologise properly..

Would you.. open the doors for such conversation ?

And what would you ask for in order to rebuild the trust and remove the hurt.

So to get that out of the way, I genuinely believe that yes while she has “matured” and treated me that way in her early twenties and has since been “enlightened”.. I haven’t witnessed the impact of that personally aside from her becoming better at hiding it and I do feel her suddenly springing this up is because she has something to gain.. she needs to be in the third persons good books because she needs them to back her up.. and she knows they judge her as a bully.

So I guess I have my answer that yes I don’t expect much change to come after I “accept the appology”. I think she had a chance to gradually build it up and prove that her remorse is sincere. So I don’t think she is sincere and I don’t think she is that committed to change.

I could still however leverage the situation to get my closure and perhaps get her to do some damage fixing.. abs regain my confidence.

And I could accept the appology after she commits to respecting my boundaries, and accepts that I have limits based on how hostile she proved herself to be and that she should honour that and while I make it clear to her that I think she is doing this for herself snd not for me and I expect she will Always lack in empathy towards me as I don’t think these things come overnight like her out of the blue apology and so she needs to understand that the judgement of her character remains the same until proven otherwise and I will set boundaries accordingly. And that if she pushes my boundaries and becomes passive aggressive when I want to
Maintain the relationship on my terms then until
I feel healed then I will take further measures to protect myself and mental health. And so I expect her to not be pushy and learn to be considerate.

And maybe I’ll say that all Infront of the third person. Because from experience she twists everything I say.

And maybe that way I can do myself a favor by not allowing her to feel Confident in celebrating that I’ve been fooled but also give her a chance to learn to be honest with herself for once and learn that I have accepted her appology despite her insincerity and not while being oblivious to it because the forgiveness was for my own closure not hers.

I sound mean don’t i?

If there are things she could do to right some of the wrong she's done to you, like admit to the lies, I would probably tell the go-between that you don't think she's sincere because she can't even be honest with other people or whatever other obvious thing she could do, but also that you aren't ready to talk about it yet and bully will just need to make things as right as she can without your input.

Actually that was my initial response to third party.

I said she has actually gone to secure her own narrative by really undermining my reputation with rumour spreading amongst our shared groups of contacts and she had the power to do so..

And then recently one of those people came to “set things straight” between me and bully, and told me a story in which bully tried to rectify the narrative by making me less of a laughing stock but instead of taking responsibility she created another story about how the “misunderstanding” has come about and in that story I still carry most of the responsibility.. absolutely not addressing any of her hostility and in fact exerting pressure by making me look like the one who doesn’t want to move on.

So I don’t think she sees this as a “sincere appology” as much as she sees it as “DTG seems hurt by me and so I need to clear the air and explain to her how it’s all a misunderstanding and when she rejects the narrative I will tell third party that ball is in her court now and so we can all move on”

I think I have one card to catch her off guard with in her manipulative mind games..

That card is, that what she doesn’t know or expect, is that in that period of time since I distanced myself IT iS ME who have grown in confidence and awareness and am no longer allowing my boundaries to be pushed and no longer will run to her and say “you mean a lot to me”.

I wholeheartedly think she feels I’m so weak and that she can mess with me one more time to get what she wants from third person..

And I sooo desperately want to convince myself that I’m not a mug anymore. And let out my voice and then watch her mask drop so she can go bloody pick on someone else.

I so desperately want to feel like I have myself a happy ending to all that trauma..

And then I will tell her I forgive her despite her issues. But that I have no time to deal with them anymore, as I’m surrounded by people I care about who deserve more of my attention.

I'd never forgive. That person has done enough harm. If they're regretful the way to show it is to back off and exit your life forever.

Nope.

Id let them say whatever they wanted. Then say something like, 'I dont forgive you. I gave you a chance once before and you abused it'. Then never, ever give them the time of day again. It'll do your self esteem wonders.

She sounds worse and worse from all your subsequent posts.

It seems clear from what you say that there’s no genuine remorse there. She’s seemingly holding out an olive branch for purely selfish reasons because she wants something from the third party. She isn’t doing this for you, she’s doing it for her.

Fuck that. I would personally ignore any requests. Just ignore it all completely. Don’t explain how she hurt you. That puts you back in a position of weakness. You know that by not giving her what she’s asking for - forgiveness - she’s going to lose out. Good. She deserves to. Stop giving her headspace. She treated you like shit, it’s come back to bite her on the backside. Tough shit.

One of the most useful things I’ve learned from MN is that silence is your best friend. Stop giving this bully headspace. Believe me, telling her how she hurt you will not make you feel better at all and, in fact, in this instance you’ll end up regretting it when she gets whatever it is she needs from the other person. She’s going to come out on top. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Ignore all requests and live your life.

OP, I wouldn’t go near her. From what you have said she is totally untrustworthy.
She’s trying to worm her way back in with your other relative and you.

She apologised once before and proceeded to treat you like rubbish. Learn from that.

But they have approached someone very close to me and close to them, and asked them to ask me what I want to be able to feel less hurt by them..
You want her to fuck off and leave you alone. That’s what you want.

Conveniently at a time when they need support from that third person who has been distant from the bully due to what they have done to me.. and them.
She is trying to make up with this third person not with you.
She knows they won’t have anything to do with her because of how she treated you so she’s is pretending to be sorry so that the other person will forgive her and do what she wants her to do.

Christ no they've had their chance run away and block

Conveniently at a time when they need support from that third person who has been distant from the bully due to what they have done to me.. and them.

So she has bullied both of you? Does the third person want to forgive this woman for what she has done to her?

I might have a "let's put it behind us" conversation, bearing grudges doesn't do me any good, but I wouldn't be interest in any sort of friendship or relationship.

No, I'd tell give them several examples of what they did and the effect it had on you, then explain that those are the reasons you will never accept their attempts to make amends.

Tell them that you had to live with it for years, and now it's their turn.

Then block.

Nope.
I was bullied horribly for 5 years through school, the girl contacted me years later asking for me to forgive her. I blocked her.
Just because they ask for forgiveness doesn't mean they should get it.

I would be completely non contact with anyone who bullied me like that. I wouldn’t entertain any apology. Why feed the drama?

No. Sending an apology with no expectation of a response is one thing, and depending on the circumstances, the sentiment might be appreciated, but I cannot stand people that seek forgiveness, an ex friend of mine literally destroyed my life, I don’t believe it was necessary her intention to do so, but she was just so short sighted she didn’t consider the outcome of her actions, she contacted me last year because “her therapist said” she should do XYZ to heal etc. I’d like to say I ignored her but I told her exactly where she could shove her beyond selfish expectations.

Don't respond to say ''I don't forgive you'' because then she will congratulate herself as being the more forgiving one, the one who can move on, the one who is in a growth mindset. If you respond to say that you don't forgive her, she will believe you lack resilience, she'll pity you that you're bitter. But she will feel absolved because she reached out and she tried. Then she'll move on.

If you never respond, she won't be so easily able to attribute some lesser growth mindset to you.

It'll be there longer, unresolved like a little wrinkle in her psyche.

Third person is feeling really traumatized about turning her away unsatisfied because he tried before and got completely bullied for it.

I need to help him, to tell him to say something like:

“DTG is going to therapy because of how hurt she had been and the therapist recommended that this conversation isn’t necessary for her healing so I don’t want to be involved”.

It’s true I’m going therapy. But does that make me look weak ?

Reading through this thread again and focusing on your replies alone the second time, the fact that you are gearing up for this kangaroo court with a witness is testimony to the damage she caused to your self-esteem. You're in no way obliged to give her a hearing. But you're being guilted in to it I think. You talk about boundaries, and needing her to respect your boundaries now. But you couldn't possible want to sit down and endure this 'court' case where she apologises and walks away feeling better. The damage she did to you is still there. You're still depleted by this experience.

If you respected your own right to a boundary right now I think you would say ''no, that's not a meeting I want. She hurt me and it's good that she's matured but I don't want to get involved in her ....growth .

Respect your own right not to participate in a conversation that won't contribute to your healing.

I think that in terms of self-efficacy you would benefit from saying 'no' to this meeting just because you have decided you don't want it.

If they try and push you in to it, that is your boundaries not being respected.

No, they're only doing it to relieve their own guilt. If I let them in, it would interfere with my own recovery from the trauma they caused me

She’s made false accusations and happily destroyed your reputation falsely. Now she needs you to stick up for her. She is still dangerous. Move on with your head held high. People who make false accusations are the worst- you can’t defend yourself against gossip.

No. But I do hold a grudge. Never forget those who've helped or hindered me.

You shouldn’t be telling the third person to say anything about you. It sounds a bit like you want this bully to know how much they’ve affected you but honestly it won’t help because bullies don’t care mostly. The only thing that would help is rising above it with your dignity and ignoring her.

Going to therapy is self aware in my opinion.

People who lack self-awareness rely on defense mechanisms. They project their shame and their inadequacies outwards.

She is on her own journey. You're on yours. She is trying to drag you in to her journey as a short cut to feeling good about herself.

If you forgive her then she gets carte blanche to forgive herself.

But that is not real acceptance. It's just absolution.

None of it is your responsibility.

You were dragged in to this.

Politely back away.

Concentrate on your own healing.

Do not be co-erced in to giving a simple 'yes' or 'no' to the question she has ''am i forgiven''. That is her issue.

You have to focus on shoring up the chinks that left you vulnerable to a bully in the first place.

You were too accommodating no doubt!? Probably bent with the wind? Conflict averse?

All of that is what has you back in this situation right now. You want to oblige

Get that thought right out of your head.

Being so accommodating and being so obliging is what puts you at risk of being bullied again in the future.

Shore up those chinks now by demonstrating to yourself that you are not afraid of conflict when it's necessary. Demonstrate to yourself that you can be assertive when it's required.

Tell this bully's ''agent'' (friend) that a discussion doesn't suit you.

Get your short responses ready.

''I've thought about this and I don't want to meet or discuss it further''
"That doesn't suit me no''
''This conversation is nothing to do with me''.

''Im concentrating on my own healing''.

Do not participate in a dynamic that tramples over your boundary and your right to put yourself first.

I had an abusive ex boyfriend in my late teens, we were both 18 at the time but he was awful, jealous, violent, manipulative.
After we broke up he joined the army and seemed to grow up alot. He sent me a Facebook message a few years later saying sorry for how he treated me that he was disgusted with himself , i appreciated it and it helped me realise how none of it was my fault. However that was it he said sorry , he wasn't trying to worm his way back in and we havnt spoken since . I'm not sure if my situation is different as we were so young at the time and I think (hope) he has changed and treats his now wife better.

@Kanaloa

You shouldn’t be telling the third person to say anything about you. It sounds a bit like you want this bully to know how much they’ve affected you but honestly it won’t help because bullies don’t care mostly. The only thing that would help is rising above it with your dignity and ignoring her.

This

She tried her best to socially assassinate my character and I kept a low profile and worked hard at regaining my self esteem and lost so many friends in the process.

I had been close enough to stupidly confide in her about many aspects which she used to create tension between me and people who are closest to me (not even that close to her).

I had to reclaim my own social dignity by quietly holding my head high despite the social scrutiny and judgement becsuse I felt one day everyone will show their true colours and they will just see who I am or get bored of the topic.

After a lot of emotional effort I managed to finally be in a place where I no longer have her influence. Made totally new friends. Move locations even and became confident in my own new community of friends where I volunteer. I still miss the old relationships which she destroyed for me.

They slowly realise her drama over time as when she couldn’t reach me she certainly attempted to cause drama for others and eventually people could add things up. But still not the same as I cannot see them in the same way again and made a life of my own.

I feel like I cannot give her the chance to control the narrative again. She actually tried to offer her voluntary services in my community whixh is miles away from her. She obsessively wants to get into my zone and I’ve kept pulling away slowly and consistently. With passive aggressive outbursts from her every now and again as apparently I owe her to give her a chance and if I don’t she resorts to her old self. As if she thinks i owe her some nurturing otherwise she turns bratty.

Third party is compassionate towards her and thinks she has mental health issues. I think so too but I don’t see why I should risk everything I worked hard for when she could seek her therapy elsewhere.