What's it like to have a kid at secondary school?

[Krete]

PFB dd is going to secondary school in September. The lovely primary she is attends is very communal and we have made many friends over the years. I work p/t so dd has gone to after school club 3 days a week since she was 5 years old. The secondary school is in the next town and has an intake from a large area.

I don't like change at the best of time but even less after a year of Covid lockdown.

So what is itreally like when your kid goes to 'big' school and what sort of culture shock should I expect?

She'll make new friends and you won't know their parents. After massive cajoling in tears 7 &8 you might get a parents number as long as you promise to only use it if the house is burning down.

When other parents pick their kids up try often wait in the car and text and the children just leave.

"Years" 7&8. I'm not that invested....

On 2nd September (or there about) you wave them off at the door and they come home later.....) - hopefully there will have been some transition activities for them. Hopefully the school will communicate with you anything they need.

Have I met friends? 1 came over once....bit lockdown has made it weird. I've heard people through the games consoles but not met another parent yet.

I drive mine to school (year7) and just drop him off and pick him up without getting out of the car.
No parents seem to wait by the gate. I've not met any of his new friends, certainly not their parents!
School communication is usually done via an app so you really don't get to know the staff, obviously covid has made this worse.

First day had a lot of parents with their kids on the buses and waving them in and collecting (this was last Sept so the kids hadn't been able to have 6 months of practice using public transport, and they had to contend with masks and full buses not stopping, etc).

Day 2 half got themselves there and most by the end of the week. I carried on walking ds to the bus stop until about half term as the buses often didn't let anyone on or went past, or only wanted 3 people so sharp elbows were needed.n

Ds has made new friends but not been able to meet any, yet.

There are advantages to having kids with SEN as you get a lot of calls from teachers and LSAs! Though I talked to a mum yesterday who said she'd had calls at least weekly too, I guess as the school know their transition was disrupted.

Main differences are simply ds is happy to go to school and even when he has a lesson he doesn't like, he knows that teacher is only for 90 min then will go away so it doesn't ruin the day.

Of course it's different to primary in that you don't go there on such a regular basis.

But I met quite a lot of the parents of my DDs friends in Y7 and Y8, and some have become good friends. If your child is into music or drama you meet people at plays and concerts, and I'm guessing if they're sporty then you meet at sports matches.

And hearing about secondary school is 100% more interesting that hearing what they've done at primary school - it's fabulous to see them learning new things and to hear about their lives and new experiences.

It's very different in that there's no playground/school gate chance to meet other parents or grab a word with a teacher. You soon get used to it though!

It’s very different to primary for parent involvement. They’re friends with kids you don’t know from families you don’t know and probably never will. It’s fantastic for them though. They need that independence it’s part of them growing into an independent adult.

You won't necessarily know all their friends any more, or friends' parents, and they might not be quite as local. Arranged playdates after school will be replaced with (if you're lucky) a text on the way home asking if so-and-so can come over, usually when they're already practically outside, or alternatively with half of Y7 arriving unannounced and thundering straight upstairs. I've learned to always have biscuits and Pringles in the house to throw after them, because heavens forfend that I embarrass DS for all eternity by actually speaking to them!!

You have to learn to loosen apron strings as they will probably not tell you anything and communication from school will be a lot less, although you will be give a point of contact for you to use and they will let you know any issues.
They will have new friends who to begin with might change daily as they find their group. If you are lucky you may be given a name but def will not know parents. You will not be cool to be seen in public with particularly close to school.
Yes its a bit sad they are flexing their wings but as almost through high school its great seeing the young adults they become and that they still need you.

My kid loved primary. She changed as soon as she started secondary. She's pretty miserable and has learnt less from y7 to Y9 than she did in her brill primary.

Expect your your darling child to to turn very Quickly into a full on teen (yes at 11), pretty much overnight

Get yourself prepared for when she wants to go to her new friends for a sleepover when you know nothing about the family 😱😱😱

You have contact with teachers once a year.
Reports are often a list of numbers and not much else.

My eldest went from a village primary to a large - different village - secondary that covers a massive area. As it's a big school there's lots of children to find their tribe with which really helps.

You won't necessarily know any of their new friends - but if it's anything like our area the parents tend to be friends of friends or family or business connections.

DD has met one friend out, before Christmas and I got to chat to her mum which was quite reassuring really. Turns out she knew mutual friends from their kids doing ballet together.

I was always been quite involved in my DC Primary school, volunteered in class, PTA chair, pick ups most days, knew everyone etc etc
And then my youngest started Secondary and it all just stopped. They walk there so I never go, I don’t really know anyone very well and it’s just all very different. I am not sure whether I miss it all or it’s a relief.
It’s ok though, I have just accepted it’s different. I just work more hours now

We've had quite a bit of contact from school, they tend to go all for it with praise and parents regularly get emails from staff if their child has put lots of effort in. Must be a nightmare for the staff as there's 2500 children, and we had a virtual parents meeting when she started. Reports have been via an app, and I think that's enough feedback for one and a half terms in.

@gettingusedtothelimelight

Get yourself prepared for when she wants to go to her new friends for a sleepover when you know nothing about the family 😱😱😱

Luckily my DDs 2 best friends mums are teachers at their school so her going there for sleepovers wasn’t traumatic at all

I must be completely naive I hadn't even thought that they might will turn into Kevin the teenager with little notice

Not sure how I feel about zero parental involvement especially where sleepovers are concerned but maybe they won't happen for a while due to Covid. I'm so used to knowing all of dd's friend's parents and we have done a lot with the PTA over the years. At my dd's school parents come in a few times a year for assembly or to sit in a special lessons. Does this sort of thing happen at secondary ever?

Also interesting about the reports being just numbers, that's good to know. All in all sounds much less personal I guess I just have to trust that all is well until I hear otherwise.

I'm sure I will embarrass my poor dd at the first opportunity. Loosening apron strings will NOT come easy for me, aargh.

Sounds like it's pretty hands off. That's going to be very weird I think

My children went to school on the road we live on. I was a sahm for a lot of the time they were there, so I was often a parent helper for school trips, swimming, PTA events, going into classes and hearing the children read.

I made friends with a lot of my dc friend's parents. It was enjoyable at the time but the truth is I don't miss it one tiny bit now they are at secondary and beyond! I love the extra hours in the day and the not having to sit through an interminable school concert just to hear your child play their records for 2 minutes .

I haven't kept up any of those primary Mum friend relationships either in any meaningful way, still see people around of course and even go for the occasional drink. Don't miss them - we are all doing other things nowadays! Honestly, you get used to the new normal very very quickly.

recorder not records!

DD is in Y9 and I know one parent purely because she is quite anxious about her DD and likes to check if we really mean an invitation when her DD announces that she is at our house after school.

I originally thought I miss some interaction at the gates but after hell in Y6 when I stupidly volunteered for the end of year party and yearbook I don’t need to see parents that often again.

Our school is quite good with communication, decent website, lots of tweets and Facebook postings. There is a parent fb group but not a lot are on there. Teachers are happy to email you if you ask questions.

Be prepared for emotional issues. They have to grow up fast and often you have tears about silly misunderstandings. In addition their hormones will start to go into overdrive.

On the positive side, not a lot of birthday parties and no more dress up days.

If your child goes up to secondary with their friends from primary. Nothing much different happens but they will make new friends from kids coming from other schools. Kids don't have big parties anymore. Just a few friends go to cinema or bowling or pizza. You won't stay just hand over cash for tickets/food. They will be set for all subjects except PE. They should get.more homework but this year not, due we are told to Covid.

Really interesting thread, thanks.

DS1 starts secondary next year. Fortunately we are just under a 10 minute walk from there so no need to drop off in the car or him to get a bus.

Reflecting on my own secondary days, it was just like PPs have described, with minimal parental involvement. No mobile phones then so my mother had no idea that I'd gone to a friend's after school until I got to their house and rang her from the landline.

How have previous PPs found existing primary friendships to evolve once at secondary?

They grow up quickly at first, some turn into teenagers by Christmas.

They get very tired the first half term. Don't schedule too much in the evenings and weekends. Expect them to sleep through October half term.

We actually get a lot of contact with both ds' schools, I can see one child's Google Classroom (it's dull, I don't check much), the other sends emails with merits etc.

I come in from work (per covid) to find a neat row of shoes by the door, empty snack box, pile of boys on the x box. I gradually learned their names.

They get hungry. Hence the snack box - one each, as one eats quicker than the other.