What's it like to have a kid at secondary school?

[Krete]

PFB dd is going to secondary school in September. The lovely primary she is attends is very communal and we have made many friends over the years. I work p/t so dd has gone to after school club 3 days a week since she was 5 years old. The secondary school is in the next town and has an intake from a large area.

I don't like change at the best of time but even less after a year of Covid lockdown.

So what is itreally like when your kid goes to 'big' school and what sort of culture shock should I expect?

It’s been amazing for my DD. She has ASD and was poorly supported in primary due to a lack of understanding of her needs. She ended up at a school where she knew no one. Now has a lovely tight knit gang of manga/anime fans. She is in year 8 and very happy. I have become good friends with her bestie’s mum. The learning is so much more interesting and DD gets praised instead of punished for having strong opinions in class. We have great discussions about what she is learning. Can’t wait for DD2 to leave boring primary behind in September. Having an SN child I was never in the school gate clique though.

Friendship-wise, my DS fell out spectacularly with one of his best friends from primary quite early in Y7 and still doesn't bother with him. He stayed friends with his other best friend but they sort of drifted apart a bit; he made two new friends from a different primary who both left part-way through Y7, which upset him a lot, and now in Y9 he's back to being inseperable from the friend he'd drifted from. They're in a lovely tight-knit group of slightly 'quirky' kids who like Japan/manga/anime, some from their primary and some who are new. I've met most of them, albeit briefly, and they've spent most of lockdown hanging out virtually on their own Minecraft server.

One thing that did wonders for him was going abroad for ten days with the school at the end of Y7 - he was the only Y7 on the trip but he made some lovely friends in the year above and his confidence skyrocketed. I was in pieces the whole time but I'm so glad we were able to let him go.

DS went from village primary to huge 1500 pupil secondary in September. I was petrified. Its not been as bad as I thought. We've had more contact with the teachers than I expected, the majority of the kids in his classes are nice and he's managed to make a couple of new friends even with the covid situation as it is. He has unfortunately learned every swear word, he doesn't swear at home but he asked permission to start swearing (mildly) when he's with his mates which I said yes to (not that I could stop him anyway!). I dont think it pays to be too much of a 'square' (as I was in school!). He was beaten up after a month of being there. School dealt with it well but you can imagine the impact it had on him and his friends and us all as a family.

So its been a mixed bag really, lots of ups and downs.

Facebook is your friend for making contact with new friends mums/dads. Yes the kids manage their own social lives but they forget important info for organising sleepover or party. I would contact the mum on messenger and just say hello I’m xxxx mum this address for the sleepover Saturday and we might go swimming so send a swimsuit etc.
We actually made a little chat group for my DD’s closest 4 friends mums and it’s useful for all sorts. I do know them in real life now too but it’s not the same as Primary mum interaction.
Friend group wise there were many changes in years 7/8 it depends what classes they find themselves in and then they get to know new people or old ones better.
My DD and her BF drifted apart it was on the cards from years 6 really. Not in a nasty way just friendships changed.

That's horrible @Tulipsy272 I hope your son is ok. I love that he asked you for permission to swear, very well brought .

Is it quite normal for Y7s to use what's app for the whole class? Any experience, good or bad with social media and transitioning to secondary? It will really feel like the beginning of a new era for us as a family.

I have a year 8, she loves it. Had one friend still from primary and they do an after school activity together do know her mum.

Had new group of friends, have met the parents on couple of occasions and no issues.

Parents Evening twice a year, emailed school when needed or they email me but other than that I don’t see or hear anything from the school. It’s bizarre, I found the first parents evening mad used to primary if one teacher then I was in a hall with 15 appointments I felt like I was part of the staff by the time I got out I was there so long.

Her school is wonderful and I cannot wait for my youngest to go

*brought up

Thankyou, it was dreadful, he's never so much as pushed someone so it was an awful shock for him and it has taken him a while to mentally recover.

There's a house whats app group but it very quickly descended into chaos and the teachers had to get involved. DS could see the way it was heading and left. He's in a few different groups with different friends and there's never been any trouble. He's also on Instagram and that's been fine too. We check them all randomly.

It's totally hands off. I knew two mums whose kids were in the same primary. But one of them left. DS is still friends with the other one.

Covid has really made the hard to make more friends.

One mum set up a closed Facebook group which is useful.

Absolute relief when Dd went off to High school. No more waiting at the school gates with a bunch of cliquie gossips and no bully kids from her small village school at the same school.
She goes in on the school bus, and comes home the same way. I rarely go near the place and she's doing great. Year 11 now. She also made a couple of lovely close friends and has a few others who come and go but are nice.

The amount of parent included activities reduces significantly. I guess it depends how much you enjoy these as to how you feel about it. Mine go on school bus and I've only been for parent evenings for my Y10 since she started. Think there are plays etc if your child is into those kind of activities.

You pretty much send them off into a black hole every day .

DS went up in September just gone so I’ve no experience of it pre COVID but we’ve had some great communication from the school. Everything’s easier from a logistical point of view. There’s an app for homework that I can view on my phone, an app for communication and reporting absence etc and parentpay for loading money on his lunch card.

Prepare to help them learn how to organise everything and manage the homework. Bag packed the night before as they’ve got to drag all their books there.

My DS had been with the same friendship group from nursery to year 6 so going to a new school without his friends seemed daunting but he’s made some great friends and it was in the long run for the better.

I have gotten to know a few of them as he’s always on FaceTime to his pals and I get to say hi occasionally.

You pretty much send them off into a black hole every day grin. Oh dear!

Sounds like your ds managed his transition really well.

So when is it wise to go uniform shopping then? Maybe at the beginning of the summer holidays?

Is it really emotional for soppy mums like me when they finish year 6?

My Dd is also starting in September but the school is across the road from her primary and most of her year group are also going there too.

As a teacher at secondary school students tend to know their way to classes within 3 weeks and don't get lost as often. By half term they are exhausted a bit like when they first start nursery so don't book anywhere for that half term. Year 7s tend to be lovely, the attitude starts setting in after Christmas in year 8, year 9 the whole year group tends to be in a Kevin phase, year 10 they start to come out the other side, year 11 is spent in mild panic. It's lovely to see them grow from little year 7s and leave us almost fully grown adults.

@caringcarer

If your child goes up to secondary with their friends from primary. Nothing much different happens but they will make new friends from kids coming from other schools. Kids don't have big parties anymore. Just a few friends go to cinema or bowling or pizza. You won't stay just hand over cash for tickets/food. They will be set for all subjects except PE. They should get.more homework but this year not, due we are told to Covid.

DD had over 30 girls from her primary going to the same secondary, she only speaks to one of them now in school, two she sees outside as they are in the same Scout group. Primary school connections can go very fast.

Our school only has sets for Maths, Visual Arts and PE. Quite unusual it seems but for DD it works extremely well.

Homework is expected to be between 1-3 hours per day depending on year group, 1 hour Y7/8, 2 hours Y9/10, 3 hours Y11-13.

@Krete We bought uniform in half-term as DD doesn't do well with croweded shops and ours unfortunately is so specific you can only get it only or in one shop in town which is overrun during the Summer, think about queues outside the shop.

We had to exchange the skirt, she grew too much, but the shop anticipates these things and is happy to accomodate.

Look at bag requirements, DD's school now only allows backpacks, no fancy oversized handbags anymore. You should get detailed information after May half term when the numbers are confirmed and the exams/mocks/teacher assessments are out of the way.

@Krete - I meant May half term

All depends on The school

I met a few of dds friends mums but ds not many Very rare to meet dads.

Our school has a fairly active pta that organised stuff for parents quiz nights etc tribute acts but since covid that hasn't happened.
We have yearly meetings about gcse etc but again since covid that online. Very sad really.

I really do hope things can change quickly with the vaccine. Kids missing out of so much at secondary so far. Prom. School drama choir events extra. All gone

Went From me dropping her off and picking her up at the school gates an always knowing where she was to chucking her out the front door at 7.20a.m. and not seeing her till some time with d 5pm and never being quite certain where she was.
They have lots of different teachers instead of just a couple and you won't know any off them.
Very little involvement with the school apart from what the app tells me.
They become so independent, new friends you don't know.
They become able to organise their work/homework/stuff independently very quickly.
You become less and less important.

You realise that they are back to being the youngest and the yr11 look huge and loutish. (Then you’re child gets into yr11 and you discover they are still lovely, funny and have good friendships- they are just huge!)

First day, I delivered ds to the morning bus and agree to collect him from bus stop later.

Ds then forgot the bus stop he needed to get off so I was left waiting in the dark while school tried to contact bus driver and work out where ds had gone. Apparently it happens to at least one child every year,

@Krete Yes it’s very emotional. I cried like a baby to be honest. I am a right soppy cow though. Leaving primary felt like leaving childhood behind. Bye bye to the tiny tables and the christmas plays, no more cheering on at sports days and chats on the walk home.

Honestly though although it’s very different it’s great. Secondary exposes them to a wide range of people and ideas and you can really see them take interest in stuff they’ve never considered before. All his new mates are so individual and have different hobbies/music tastes etc. Primary was all a bit homogeneous.

Child two did the wave from door come home later quite well. Dc1 on the other hand....

Nodding along to much of what other people have said here. It's all quite different.

My kids went to a lovely, quite alternative primary, with a really great community. The secondary has/had (it has improved considerably in my view over the last couple of years following a terrible Ofsted and a change of leadership) a very different ethos on top of all the general primary/secondary differences of scale and age of kids.

I found the transition quite emotional with all of them, but particularly the youngest, as obviously that marked the end of our primary school days as a family, and the end of our relationship with the lovely school. But once it had happened, we all moved on quickly.

Day to day life is different with secondary aged kids - it's obviously more hands off and you're less involved. My kids go to the secondary in our small town, and I've often found that we know their friends' parents slightly/have mutual friends etc. I'm friendly with all my elder daughter's friends' parents now and we have a group chat. That's less the case with the younger ones, but their experience has been different due to Covid - they haven't been going to people's houses etc.
It's different, but it's good fun too. It's really nice to see them changing and growing up, and I like having their friends around.
I've found being a willing lift-giver useful in terms of meeting new friends (briefly!) and getting a sense of who's who and what's what as they all chat in the car. I'd definitely recommend it as a means of feeling you know a bit about what's going on!

I echo what others said, you need to be prepared to trust them to make their own decisions about friends, you won't know the parents - I insisted on an address of where they were (achieved by offering to collect). They will be tired at first because of more traveling etc. Some kids find the transition stressful others breeze through it.

And no @Krete you won't be going in for assemblies or helping on school trips. Annual carol concert and school musical springs to mind plus prize giving if applicable. We had more contact due to sn and dd being their musical star so got coopted to do things