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Original poster

DH wants a night away when we’ll have a small baby

56 replies

Covidweddingday · 26/02/2021 10:39

He asked if I would mind him going away for a night with his friend when our baby is 2 months old. We have a 3 yo too and I’m worried about the money he will spend when we are losing so much per month on my maternity pay and that I’ll be left for 2 days and an overnight with a baby who is likely to be waking up a lot in the night and then not being able to nap during the day. He’ll be working all week so I’ll be on my own a lot with the baby in the week and then he will be away most of the weekend too. We’ve no family nearby who could come and stay.

I said I would rather he didn’t and he won’t go but he is clearly annoyed. Should I just say he should go?

OP posts:
heatherhoneys · 26/02/2021 10:43

It's his decision, it's not up to you to give permission.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/02/2021 10:44

You'll be fine with a baby and a toddler for one night surely?

Whether you can afford it as a family is a different matter.

mamas12 · 26/02/2021 10:47

It doesn’t matter if anyone say ‘oh you’ll cope’ if it’s not right for why should you ‘Cope’
Get him to phone around your friends and relations to get someone to stay with you if he really wants to go So you don’t have to cope

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greyinganddecaying · 26/02/2021 10:48

I would be annoyed OP. It's hard when you have a young baby, as well as an older one. When will you get a break?

Perhaps have a chat about rescheduling for when the baby is a bit older (& hopefully sleeping better)

JemimaTiggywinkle · 26/02/2021 10:48

I would be fine with this, as a one-off as long as he’d be happy for you to have a weekend away too when you want to.

I wouldn’t be happy if it became a regular fixture.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 26/02/2021 10:50

I’d be fine with this as long as I get my turn too. It’s only a night.

Ro198 · 26/02/2021 10:51

Can you go away for a night too an couple of months after him? It doesn’t necessarily need to cost a lot. I’m pregnant at the moment and would be upset if my partner tried to stop me going away for one night whether the baby was a couple of months old or not, I think it’s a bit controlling as it is his decision.

muddledmidget · 26/02/2021 10:52

Is it something that has to be decided now, or is it something that could be decided on nearer the time? I think it also depends what the occasion is, for instance, a night fishing with a friend doesn't need to be decided on now, and probably isn't important enough for me to 'cope' for almost a fortnight with v little support. His best friends stag do/his favourite band who have just announced a one off gig after not performing for a decade and I'd be more willing. How expensive is it? Does he have the option of picking up some overtime now to pay for it so it doesn't impact on family finances, just potentially on some family time in the short term?

Winecheesesleep · 26/02/2021 10:53

To be honest I'd rather not have had DH go away for the weekend when the DC were that age (you're potentially still in the proper sleepless nights stage) but if it was a special occasion or needed for work or something I'd have coped.

Yes he can make his own decisions but would he feel OK with it if it was you that wanted to go away?

CandyLeBonBon · 26/02/2021 10:55

@mamas12

It doesn’t matter if anyone say ‘oh you’ll cope’ if it’s not right for why should you ‘Cope’ Get him to phone around your friends and relations to get someone to stay with you if he really wants to go So you don’t have to cope
But learning to 'cope' is part of adult behaviour. It's not a negative thing. It's just part of life. Sometimes life requires us to push through.

Imagine if the roles were reversed and a man said he didn't want his wife to go away for one night because he couldn't cope? He'd have his arse handed to him.

Obviously if it's part of a broader pattern of behaviour where op is literally left holding the baby the whole time then that's a different matter, but if it's a one-off and the op is afforded the same time out as well, then that's perfectly reasonable.

Kids are tiring. That's part of life as a parent. As long as there is balance between the two of you op, there really shouldn't be an issue with this.

Are things generally fair between you?

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2021 10:59

Personally I’d be fine with this bu my husband was in the military so I was used to months away and just cracked on. If you really can’t cope then he needs to not go, or is there someone who could support you that night.

Having children really shouldn’t put a stop to either of you doing the occasional thing like this, but clearly the other parties ability to cope is part of the decision making process. If it was all the time it would be different, but that’s not the case it seems.

He also needs to manage his finances accordingly. It is also fairly normal for one party to work snd the other to be home with Baby on mat leave, but again if this is difficult for you then you need to look at support systems.

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2021 11:01

@mamas12

It doesn’t matter if anyone say ‘oh you’ll cope’ if it’s not right for why should you ‘Cope’ Get him to phone around your friends and relations to get someone to stay with you if he really wants to go So you don’t have to cope
Um she’s not a child, I’d be mortified if my husband was phoning people saying “I’m away for the night, she can’t cope can you come and sit with her”. She can phone folks her self.
katieg03 · 26/02/2021 11:01

I think it's nice to have time away from each other as a couple/family. As long as you have the money and it works both ways.

ComDummings · 26/02/2021 11:02

I would be fine as a one off. Some people have husbands who work away for days, weeks and months on end and they survive 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Covidweddingday · 26/02/2021 11:03

It is his decision and I haven’t said that he can’t go. I just said I would rather not go overnight and spend all that (joint) money when he asked.

If it was a good friends stag or something that would be different. It’s a ticketed weekend event about a 1hour 30min train ride away. Not something that he desperately wants to go to. He really has to decide now if he and the friend are going to book tickets and a hotel. I estimate he will spend at least £250 on it.

We earn similar amounts but because of my maternity we will be £1000 short a month for a few months. This is quite a big deal to us as we normally are quite low on money at the end of each month anyway so it’s things like this that really need to be cut out- it’s not family time, it’s not a special occasion, it’s not essential so why not wait a few months until the baby is older and we have both of our wages again?!

Yes he would let me do something like this but I’m planning to breastfeed again and last time expressing/bottle feeding didn’t go well so I am unlikely to get a night away from the baby for at last 6 months after the birth.

OP posts:
Mylittlepony374 · 26/02/2021 11:04

If finances are a worry that's a separate issue but surely you can cope for one night with a toddler and baby?
I'm by no means a cool "do whatever you want babe" type person but I do think one night away isn't much to ask for. My husband went to Amsterdam for 3 nights when I had a 4 month old and a nearly 2 year old. It was fine. Tiring but fine. As long as you get equal opportunities for down time then I wouldn't think this would be an issue.

Original poster
Covidweddingday · 26/02/2021 11:05

It’s not that I can’t cope. He during the week so almost 2 weeks is a long stretch to go without him spending a day with us and me getting a bit of extra sleep on one or two days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Covidweddingday · 26/02/2021 11:06

*He works

OP posts:
WaterBottle123 · 26/02/2021 11:06

If you can't afford it he can't go, but otherwise let him go with Grace, life is short and we've all missed so much fun!

DavidsSchitt · 26/02/2021 11:11

Christ, it's only a night. You'll be fine.

When there's something you want to do, similarly, he'll be fine.

As for ringing a relative to come and babysit you....Shock

Lickofpink · 26/02/2021 11:12

I'm going completely against the grain here and saying he is being completely unreasonable. You have a tiny baby. It is (presumably) also his baby. If he wants it cared for by you exclusively during the week, at this stage he needs to step up at the weekend like an actual adult and not a fucking man child. Apart from anything else, if you had trouble with feeding last time, you need all the rest and support he has to give this time round. That is not even bringing the money into the equation.

eurochick · 26/02/2021 11:14

So it's not just a night away - it's the two weeks either side too. That's tough when you are on your own all week too.

DavidsSchitt · 26/02/2021 11:18

I read it as he works during the week - not that he works away.

That said, I had kids of a similar age and their dad was working away for weeks at a time so one night to a concert seems like nothing.

4FoxxSake · 26/02/2021 11:20

I personally would be ok with this, but my other half works away 6 months of the year. I was left with 5yr old, 3 yr old and 3 week old for a month.

But it's all relative, I am 'used' to it and I don't understand how anyone 'copes' seeing their other half every day of the yearGrin

If he goes make sure you can do the same at some point. Pre Covid I make sure I get away as well.
Don't worry about the house being in order let it get trashed and he can help fix the mess when he is back.

Viviennemary · 26/02/2021 11:20

I wouldn't be pleased but I don't think it's too unreasonable a request. In your shoes I'd just agree.