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Original poster

DH wants a night away when we’ll have a small baby

56 replies

Covidweddingday · 26/02/2021 10:39

He asked if I would mind him going away for a night with his friend when our baby is 2 months old. We have a 3 yo too and I’m worried about the money he will spend when we are losing so much per month on my maternity pay and that I’ll be left for 2 days and an overnight with a baby who is likely to be waking up a lot in the night and then not being able to nap during the day. He’ll be working all week so I’ll be on my own a lot with the baby in the week and then he will be away most of the weekend too. We’ve no family nearby who could come and stay.

I said I would rather he didn’t and he won’t go but he is clearly annoyed. Should I just say he should go?

OP posts:

TravellingJack · 26/02/2021 11:20

Stop making it your problem. The barriers to him going are the cost and your recovery time (catching up on sleep/getting a break). If he can provide decent solutions to both of those barriers, then he can go - and I don't mean in the sense of you giving him permission! By asking you if it's ok, he's effectively asking if you're willing to take on the burden of the costs and miss out (on support/rest/family money) so he can have fun. If he sorts these things out in a way that doesn't 'cost' you, then he doesn't need to ask for permission, does he...

By 'decent solutions' I mean things like him taking the Friday before off work, so you get your day of rest a bit earlier (definitely not the Monday in case he's too tired/hungover to be any use!) and him selling stuff to cover the cost - not taking on overtime, because that leaves you on your own even more! Basically the solutions should be things that are at no detriment to you.

partyatthepalace · 26/02/2021 11:24

It's a reasonable request.

Money - can you talk to him and set a budget - it's your joint money so you might need to compromise.

And book yourself the equivalent time out a couple months later.

jaffar · 26/02/2021 11:33

Whether or not you would go away, would he be happy for you to?

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Original poster

Covidweddingday · 26/02/2021 11:35

Ok I will say to him to go- although now he knows I’m worried he probably won’t!

I’m not some kind of monster who is constantly controlling him. He is already going on a stag weekend the month after and I’ve never ever said no to him having a night out. It’s not about him asking permission either- it’s about us both having equal responsibility for caring for our children and you can’t just decide that you are not going to do that for a weekend without checking that the other person is happy to step in.

OP posts:

Deadringer · 26/02/2021 11:46

Is it just a random night away or a special occasion? If it's the former i would ask him to put it off for a while, especially if he has a weekend away coming up.

DialsMavis · 26/02/2021 11:53

If he doesn't work away during the week he can take on some more childcare/shit work the week before and after and go away a bit more tired so that you are not on your knees

Muskox · 26/02/2021 11:57

I wouldn't be delighted about this for the kind of random event you're talking about - as you say, it would be different for a special occasion. But I'd let him go as long as he's prepared to return the favour! Can you book a night away as soon as you stop breastfeeding (if you are breastfeeding) and leave him with the two of them?

MMMarmite · 26/02/2021 11:57

I don't think you should tell him to go. What you've already said seems fine.

I think it's not sensible for him to spend that money on a weekend away if you're struggling financially.

LindaEllen · 26/02/2021 12:00

If my DP wanted a night away I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's not like it's something that happens all the time, and your lives don't stop in every other respect when you become parents.

user88899 · 26/02/2021 12:01

My DH was away for 9 weeks when I had a 3 year old and new born. Don't be ridiculous, it's one night. Just make sure you get your turn down the line.

Quartz2208 · 26/02/2021 12:07

I think here it dont ask a question you may not like the answer to

If you are £1000 short there just isnt the money here for him to spend so much.

He knows it too I think he just wants you to be the bad guy to say it so dont say anything leave him to make the decision as an adult

CherryRoulade · 26/02/2021 12:08

I think if you can't afford it, that is one issue, but otherwise I can't see a problem. My husband worked away at least two nights a week when I had my second. He had the day I gave birth off, but then he was back to work.

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2021 12:20

I think it’s very very clear you don’t want him to go op. Ans that’s fine. It doesn’t matter if anyone else would be happy to, or what’s perceived reasonable.

Clearly finances he has a say in, so he has equal decision on whether it can be afforded, but in terms of your ability to cope for that night if no one else can come and give you a break and you simply can’t do it then he needs to recognise the issues you have and the impact on him and not go.

We are all different. Yes most can cope with a night away, but everyone has their struggles and it’s not for anyone else to comment on yours.

I’d step away from the thread, some will try to support you irrelevant of what they think others will not, it’s not going to help you because fundamentally you really don’t want him to go to this event.

heartshapedskull · 26/02/2021 12:23

I get you, OP - it’s the fact that he doesn’t seem to have thought about you. The excitement of doing something has blinded him to the fact that weekends should be family time unless both parents are happy for the other to go. My husband is like this - he gets carried away with excitement about the event and completely forgets in that moment about anything else. I am then the one who brings him back down to earth with a bang, which he hates. I’m ok with him disappearing off, just not with the ‘dropped like a hot potato’ bit...

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2021 12:31

@heartshapedskull

God I’d hate that sort of marriage, to be excited to do something then my husband tells me weekend is family time and brings me down to earth with a bang. Sounds like a prison to me.

We have always been happy for the other to go and do things, snd we always factored it in occasionally. As in maybe once or twice a month we do our own thing and support each other with child care. It would be very different if one of us wanted to be away all the time, but that was never the case, family time was prioritised and occasionally we’d see friends and do our own thing, always happy for the other to do so. Neither of us would bring the other down to earth with a bang and cause bad feeling.

I guess every marriage is different, but we’d have been divorced a long time ago if that’s how we had rolled.

Fiona2020 · 26/02/2021 12:32

I’d be fine with it. Just make sure I had a night away planned to!

BarbaraofSeville · 26/02/2021 12:43

When is the event? Is it likely to go ahead anyway?

But if you don't have the money, you don't have the money. Unless you have a spare £500, because if he gets a £250 personal treat, then you should get one too, then he can't afford it so shouldn't go.

MrsTophamHat · 26/02/2021 12:45

I'd be concerned about the cost more than the baby element.

Having been on mat leave last year, i know that £250 would have been a lot of money to us as well. If it was a really special thing then that would be more understandable. But being stuck at home with very small children AND not having the money to do anything to break the monotony is quite tough.

Quartz2208 · 26/02/2021 12:53

Bluntness100 I dont think that is what heartshapedskull meant - she was saying that in this instance finances mean that it is an unrealistic proposition and that it is unfeasible but that he has gotten carried away (like her husband does) with the idea of it and forgotten about the practicalities that mean it actually isnt a viable option. The OP then becomes the one who has to be the bad guy in saying no

heartshapedskull · 26/02/2021 12:57

@Bluntness100 are you the sort of person to do as you please and stuff what your partner thinks? Then pretend that if they dare to speak up, they are a misery? I ‘d hate to be in your marriage - it’s all about you

heartshapedskull · 26/02/2021 13:17

OP - wouldn’t it be nice that, for once, a partner actually thinks ‘you know, I’d love to go, but we have a young baby and a small child, and I’m working all week, so my time as a family is already limited. I know that I am entitled to live my own life, but I also committed to having a wife and family, so my focus has shifted to being part of a family unit and considering everyone rather than just myself. My wife can go off and do things on her own if she wants, but in reality that won’t happen and then things get one sided. I’ll see what she thinks, but if money is tight and the children a handful, I’ll suck it up with good grace and enjoy time with them - they are not the second best option, after all’

MeadowHay · 26/02/2021 13:19

There is no way I would be ok with planning this as I really struggled with DD1 at that stage and I would have no idea how I'd be with two of them at that stage until it actually happened. However there is also no way DH would ever suggest it anyway as he would want to be there to support us in those early difficult months.

DingDongMyBong · 26/02/2021 13:32

As others have said the money thing is one part of this.

Me and my DH regularly (pre-covid) would have weekends away with our friends, me more than him. When DD was 2 weeks old he had a night away as he was in the wedding party for a family wedding and the boys all wanted to have dinner and drinks the night before.

As others have said, he goes, you go. It’s good to have time with your friends without your partner and children and the other one just has to deal with it. It might be hard but if you chose to have X number of children then there will be moments in their young lives you will have them on your own.

Original poster

Covidweddingday · 26/02/2021 13:36

Thanks for all the different points of view. I think DH was just expecting me to just say yes and think no more about it as that's what I would normally do. He usually would go to a couple of music festivals without me in the summer which is completely fine - but DD was born at the end of one summer so by the next summer was nearly 1 and it wasn't like I was getting minimal sleep every night anymore.

Its not that weekends MUST always be family time but for DD to be adjusting to having an 8 week old brother or sister that is constantly attached to my boob and won't sleep for longer than 2 hours(if anything like her!), and not have her dad at home for a whole weekend to play with her when I can't give her my full attention seems a little unfair on her. He can have as many nights out as he likes - its not like I'm demanding that he stays at home constantly!

OP posts:

MixedUpFiles · 26/02/2021 13:37

He is being utterly unreasonable to expect an overnight with a 2 month old.

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