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Original poster

Would you hypothetically have a hypothetical baby if you were (hypothetically) me?

69 replies

cheeseybread · 25/02/2021 14:29

I have DD17, my DH has DD13 and DD11.
We have been together 8 years, married 6. No kids together.
DH has always wanted one but I've never been that bothered. Around 2yrs ago I came off the pill and we took no precautions for around 9 months but I didn't fall so potentially it's not something that would've happened naturally anyway.
DH was diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year and is currently undergoing chemo, the prognosis is really good and he is expected to make a full recovery (🙏🏼)
Before chemo started he gave a sperm sample which has been frozen, this is standard procedure as the chemo would probably have made him infertile now.

Once he is well (hopefully mid-end of this year) we are considering having IVF to have a baby.
It would kind of be a celebratory baby I guess due to DH illness. He is really for it but I can't help but think hmmmm I'm not really sure. My DD is nearly out to university. Do i really want to start all over again?! On the other hand, it would be amazing to have a baby together and this last year has certainly taught us how important family is etc etc.

DH is a wonderful father and step dad and is very hands on with all three of our children.

Could I ask for your opinions? Would you do it if you were me?

I say hypothetical because obviously I'm under no illusion that we would have a successful pregnancy. I have close family who have been going through IVF for years. I also have seen how difficult it was for her going through it, whereas DH has already played his part by 'depositing' in a cup Grin

Oh and I'm 38

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 25/02/2021 15:05

For starters, fantastic to read about your DH's good prognosis! Flowers Cake Wine

In all honesty no, I don't think I would have a baby in the situation you describe. For me that would be mostly to do with age- my last baby was at 33 and I found that pregnancy so much harder than those of my 20s. And being done with the baby stage, feeding and lack of sleep and nappies and constant supervision and sorting childcare etc etc etc… that is lovely. So so lovely. I wouldn't be thrilled with a massive age gap between my dc, I find that the 9 years between my first and last is bigger than I'd have preferred.

Original poster
cheeseybread · 25/02/2021 15:10

Thanks so much for your response!

Honestly, my gut feeling is also no but I'm so scared I'm going to regret it in my later years. Because the gap between my two would be 18+ years (Shock) I feel like it would be like starting over again completely.

And yes, my first pregnancy was carefree with no complications. Although I still feel so young and I am reasonably fit and active I'm under no illusions a pregnancy at this age would be tougher.

OP posts:
ChocOrange1 · 25/02/2021 15:15

Personally I would not. Your children are just reaching an age where you have your freedom back. You can go out without a babysitter, you could go for a romantic weekend away and not have to worry about them, they can do their own personal care and help around the house. I really wouldn't want to go back to a completely dependent baby stage.

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Ostryga · 25/02/2021 15:17

I wouldn’t no. And as hard as this is to say and hear, a good prognosis shouldn’t be taken for granted until the end of all treatment (I speak from a horrid experience).

Especially with his kids, they must be stressed about their dad being poorly and I think adding a baby into that dynamic will make things tough for everyone.

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 25/02/2021 15:21

No I wouldn’t.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/02/2021 15:21

If you were both excited and agreed that it would be fantastic, go for it. But, you have doubts and those doubts are enough for me to say no. In your position I wouldn't try for another baby.

RedskyBynight · 25/02/2021 15:22

No. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't go back to the baby stage with my other children/step-children well past that age. I'd be looking forward to new things I could do with the family I already had. If you have another child it will massively change the dynamic of your family.

user1493413286 · 25/02/2021 15:25

No I wouldn’t; I wouldn’t really want to start again with older DC being almost grown. I also think that you need to be 100% sure and you’re not really sure

partyatthepalace · 25/02/2021 15:26

Really delighted your DH doing so well!

But realistically no - you don’t really want to, and you’d have to really really flipping want to after such a long gap. There are other ways to celebrate - like getting the kids off your hands and going off for a grey gap year just the two of you!

OhioOhioOhio · 25/02/2021 15:27

No I wouldnt. I wouldn't want to take the finances away from the children I already had. I'd always want to enjoy the freedom to make the most of different and other opportunities.

WonkyCactus · 25/02/2021 15:27

No I wouldn't, not in your situation.

hatedbytheDailyMail · 25/02/2021 15:27

I had my last at 39 and it was the best thing I ever did. She's the easiest, sweetest child that ever was, and is 9 years younger than the youngest of her 4 siblings.
Pregnancy was easier, the baby days were easier, I was so much more chilled with her than the madness of the older ones, and they all love her so much.
So yes, I would hypothetically have a hypothetical baby if I was hypothetically you. Why not?

lubeybooby · 25/02/2021 15:31

I wouldn't, IVF is so expensive and not guaranteed to work, is stressful to go through and starting over with all the other kids so much older, it's a no from me. I'd rather have a lovely big holiday as a celebration

LizziesTwin · 25/02/2021 15:32

I wouldn’t. You have 3 children between you already which is quite a lots of directions to be pulled in, having another child will put you under lots more pressure, even if all goes well instantly.

user18467425798532 · 25/02/2021 15:32

No.

It sounds like a mixture of panic about time moving on/accepting the end of your fertility and a need to push away fears of mortality amidst a scary diagnosis.

I would be focusing on the next phase of your lives, even if that is a bit uncertain and scary, instead of trying to cling onto the familiarity of the past.

Guidebutton · 25/02/2021 15:32

I wouldn't. Whilst I really hope you get good results, my DH also initially had a good prognosis but now has terminal secondary cancer. I wouldn't deliberately bring a child into a world where their chance of a having a father to see them into adulthood is reduced.

I think, if things go as well as you hope there are a million other ways to enjoy the time you have together.

SooMoony · 25/02/2021 15:33

I am going to go against the grain here. I would try and have a baby. It might not work, as you already know. But I would give it a go regardless. I love the idea of a celebration baby after cancer. Good wishes for your husband's recovery.

DownWhichOfLate · 25/02/2021 15:35

Get a puppy instead!

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 25/02/2021 15:36

Or a kitten.

Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 15:37

I wouldn't OP. I'm right in the thick of baby stage with 2 under 2 and it is exhausting!!! I guess over time you forget, but the sleepless nights, bottles, juggling childcare and work, toll on your body/mind etc etc is all such hard work. You and DH could instead do so many things together to celebrate his recovery without the stresses of a baby x

SparklingLime · 25/02/2021 15:39

No. Babies are really not something to celebrate via.

MySocalledLoaf · 25/02/2021 15:39

I would probably do it but I really like babies. You should probably follow your gut.
Fwiw I had 3 cycles of IVF aged 38 for our second child and didn’t find it so bad as we knew we could also be happy if it didn’t work. It’s much harder when you’re childless.

EL8888 · 25/02/2021 15:46

No, l wouldn’t. Starting with baby days all over and 4 children sounds a bit much. Plus IVF will be tough on you and there’s a good chance it won’t work -it’s more likely to fail than succeed for most. Then there’s the expense of IVF and more stress on your relationship

ChocOrange1 · 25/02/2021 15:54

@hatedbytheDailyMail

I had my last at 39 and it was the best thing I ever did. She's the easiest, sweetest child that ever was, and is 9 years younger than the youngest of her 4 siblings. Pregnancy was easier, the baby days were easier, I was so much more chilled with her than the madness of the older ones, and they all love her so much. So yes, I would hypothetically have a hypothetical baby if I was hypothetically you. Why not?
Sounds like you had a lovely experience. Of course it could go the other way, a difficult pregnancy, birth complications, a baby with multiple additional needs etc. Just because it was a walk in the park for one person doesn't mean OP will have the same experience.
hatedbytheDailyMail · 25/02/2021 16:02

Sounds like you had a lovely experience. Of course it could go the other way, a difficult pregnancy, birth complications, a baby with multiple additional needs etc. Just because it was a walk in the park for one person doesn't mean OP will have the same experience

Obviously, but OP didn't ask for each poster to provide a perfectly balanced argument for both sides, did she?
I don't see the need to point out that my experience won't be universal when a)it wasn't suggested it would be, and b) none of the negative posts were highlighted in the same way?

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