Would you hypothetically have a hypothetical baby if you were (hypothetically) me?

[cheeseybread]

I have DD17, my DH has DD13 and DD11.
We have been together 8 years, married 6. No kids together.
DH has always wanted one but I've never been that bothered. Around 2yrs ago I came off the pill and we took no precautions for around 9 months but I didn't fall so potentially it's not something that would've happened naturally anyway.
DH was diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year and is currently undergoing chemo, the prognosis is really good and he is expected to make a full recovery (🙏🏼)
Before chemo started he gave a sperm sample which has been frozen, this is standard procedure as the chemo would probably have made him infertile now.

Once he is well (hopefully mid-end of this year) we are considering having IVF to have a baby.
It would kind of be a celebratory baby I guess due to DH illness. He is really for it but I can't help but think hmmmm I'm not really sure. My DD is nearly out to university. Do i really want to start all over again?! On the other hand, it would be amazing to have a baby together and this last year has certainly taught us how important family is etc etc.

DH is a wonderful father and step dad and is very hands on with all three of our children.

Could I ask for your opinions? Would you do it if you were me?

I say hypothetical because obviously I'm under no illusion that we would have a successful pregnancy. I have close family who have been going through IVF for years. I also have seen how difficult it was for her going through it, whereas DH has already played his part by 'depositing' in a cup

Oh and I'm 38

I literally got as far as I have DD17 and immediately said NOPE out loud.
Then, I read the rest and my NOPES got bigger and louder.
You're going to get to the end of this year, a year filled with endless medical issues and appointments, prescriptions and meds and then you're going start it all over again next year ... out of choice?!
The stress and strain of IVF on a woman's body is massive, you're going to feel like shit. A lot.
Then, if you fall pregnant, you're going to wave your dd off to uni and immediately set yourself back at square one, Your lovely semi retirement from being a mum will be gone in a puff of smoke and you'll be back to wiping arses and scraping food off everything you own.
Itsa no from me!

No.

No, I wouldn’t. It’s wonderful news that your DH is going to get better, and I can totally see why the idea of a last-chance baby is a lovely one.
However, in the cold light of day I think you’d be so much better off to just really enjoy each other now, enjoy the fact that your girls are getting older and the freedom that allows, and do all the things you’ve both wanted to do in life.
The stress of IVF, pregnancy, a newborn etc is the last thing I’d personally be up for in your shoes. You should be having some fun together when he is better! Not stressing about pregnancy tests or shitty nappies.

Everything else aside, you are 38 and already have 3 kids...no, I wouldn't be starting oall over again with another one.

Firstly, I’m glad your DH is now well. I do think that maybe, and I mean this kindly, you want to do this because your DH would like a child and you have been faced with the prospect of losing him, so you want to make him happy. Absolutely understandable, but deep down I really don’t think you want another child.

I had 2 DC of 17 & 18 when I (accidentally) fell pregnant. It turned out to be ectopic so the decision was taken out of my hands. But honestly I don’t think I would have gone through with it. I love my DC but it is hard work. I’d literally just got my life back. At the time I was pregnant I still felt “young”, had plenty of energy etc but 5 years later peri menopause kicked in and I have really struggled. I was especially glad at that point that I didn’t have a young child to take care of.

No I honestly wouldn't.

You already have 3 dc.
IVF is hard both emotionally and physically.
Having a baby in your late 30's is obviously doable but it sets you up for financial responsibility until your retirement age.

Like a previous poster I would focus on the family and relationships that you already have.

IVF increases the chance of twins/multiples - would you be able to cope with that?

So you'd potentially be 56 or older when a new baby gets to uni age and around 59/60 when they finished education ... not too old really ...

What were your thoughts when you came off the pill - did you want a baby but it never happened?

And your DH - how old is he...? Is he prepared for another 22 years ish of financial commitment as a parent...

What are your plans for retirement? If you want to retire early then another baby might make that a lot harder financially.

Babies are lovely ... my youngest is nearly 20 and I still remember how lovely she was as a baby - really easy going and happy whereas my eldest used to sleep for less than 30 mins then scream till he was fed...

And this would change your family dynamic completely - what about your 3 Dc - would they be happy?

Lots of compromises - holidays, activities m, days out, quiet time for studying or quiet time to get the baby to sleep.

you'll be shopping for uni stuff and a pram at the same time ...

I do know a few people who have done it and they seem happy but you know your family best - would it work for you?

Thank you for all the responses. I'm reading them all and taking it all in.

I wouldn't in the same situation. But I understand why your DH would want to at the same time? Such a personal thing though. Me personally having had my kids quite young would not want to start again.

No. Celebrate another way.

There are three children to consider, relationships with step children tend to change when the person has their own child from my experience and that of friends. They are at ages where it would dramatically impact on family dynamics.

I think its weird talking about OP's age at all, its not a factor. She's 38, the majority of women I know haven't even had their first baby by 38 these days!

It’s not about the OP’s age for me but the fact that they already have 3 DC and have been through so much. If it was me I’d want to celebrate the good news with the DC I already have and cherish each moment with them and with my DH. I’d do something like take them on a big holiday.
I think the last place I’d want to be is a hospital or clinic having IVF after what the DH has been through.

There's a high chance it won't work at your age, not you are old by any means but interms of child bearing you are. If is also gruelling for a woman and if you are on the fence I wouldn't bother. Your dd will hopefully be moving onto uni or flying the nest soon leaving you with so many opportunities to take up new hobbies, travel (once covid restrictions are lifted), the world will really be your oyster again as you won't have the day to day responsibility of another little person. What if you were to split up, would you want to be a single parent? I think your oh needs to come up with a different way to celebrate.

A family friend did something similar, had a dd and ds, when she recovered from cancer wanted a baby to celebrate. She fell pregnant, the cancer came back aggressively and she passed away leaving a 10 month old baby and her two other children. You really can't predict which way life will go and if you were both keen and needed no interventions I would say go for it. As it stands I think you are allowed to put your own wants and needs first. Best of luck for your oh's recovery x

You’re not too old but when you have dc young, one of the upsides is being child free and still energetic and young enough to make the most of it. It’s lovely to have them but it’s also so nice as they grow up and leave home. You gave your younger years to raising your daughter and step children. Now have some time for you.

There's a high chance it won't work at your age, not you are old by any means but interms of child bearing you are

She's 38. There's no particular reason IVF won't work, theres a high chance it would. She's already had a child, thats a stronger indicator for success than age.

If OP hadn't had dc I would say go for it but she has three between her and her DH.
When I had IVF due to DH issues I was told if we wanted more dc we should return before I was 35 and my fertility started to become an issue.
There are higher risks associated with birth at OP's age.

Ultimately it doesn’t sound as if really wanting another baby is one of your reasons for having one. Whilst not the only reason to have one, surely it has to be one of the most important ones?

I have a 19 year age gap between DC1 and DC2; I was 38 when I had my DC2 so similar ages as your situation. DC2 was with a new partner, who didn't have any DC of his own, so that influenced our decision. It has been lovely to start again despite the large gap, it's been a very special time sharing the whole baby stage with DH. DC2 was conceived naturally and I didn't have any issues with pg or childbirth. I was very active during pg and didn't suffer with high blood pressure, GD or anything like that.

Life is obviously more restrictive with a baby/toddler but tbh we'd had quite a few 'free' years with just DC1 being an older teen (nights out etc) so that was fine. I'm a sahm now but that was also part of the plan, as frankly I didn't enjoy my job so leaving work was a bit of a bonus. But if you have a career it might suffer a setback with a young baby when you would otherwise be free to focus on it more.

She's 38. There's no particular reason IVF won't work, theres a high chance it would. She's already had a child, thats a stronger indicator for success than age. the IVF success rate is already incredibly low at around 30%. This is why 3 cycles are recommended. Plus the OP is at an age where they wouldn’t recommend using her own eggs because of the high chance of failure. So no, there is not “a high chance” that it will work. At all.

I'm going to ask a really morbid question, I'm afraid. It's great that your DH's prognosis is good, but have you asked about the survival/return statistics 5, 10, 15 and 20 years after initial diagnosis for your DH's cancer? Sadly, this is written from experience - on paper DH's dad was a cancer survivor, because he made it to 5 years, the number that's often quoted. He didn't make it to 10 years. DH was a teenager when he died, and while it hasn't destroyed him, it's certainly affected him.

Tbh I think a celebration baby is a terrible idea, even if you were both committed to it.

With Cancer nothing is guaranteed. He could come through his treatment and you could have a baby to celebrate and the cancer could return and he may not survive. Then you would either be a single parent to a young baby or worse, pregnant with a baby conceived out of the wish to celebrate something which has since failed.

Celebrate with a bottle of champagne instead.

My daughter is 9 and I would not consider starting again at newborn

I love being a parent but the thought fila me with dread

100% no. Hope your dh makes a full recovery

@GailPlattsRat

100% no. Hope your dh makes a full recovery

Ditto here. I couldnt bear the thought of all the kid stuff again in my 40s