Would you hypothetically have a hypothetical baby if you were (hypothetically) me?

[cheeseybread]

I have DD17, my DH has DD13 and DD11.
We have been together 8 years, married 6. No kids together.
DH has always wanted one but I've never been that bothered. Around 2yrs ago I came off the pill and we took no precautions for around 9 months but I didn't fall so potentially it's not something that would've happened naturally anyway.
DH was diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year and is currently undergoing chemo, the prognosis is really good and he is expected to make a full recovery (🙏🏼)
Before chemo started he gave a sperm sample which has been frozen, this is standard procedure as the chemo would probably have made him infertile now.

Once he is well (hopefully mid-end of this year) we are considering having IVF to have a baby.
It would kind of be a celebratory baby I guess due to DH illness. He is really for it but I can't help but think hmmmm I'm not really sure. My DD is nearly out to university. Do i really want to start all over again?! On the other hand, it would be amazing to have a baby together and this last year has certainly taught us how important family is etc etc.

DH is a wonderful father and step dad and is very hands on with all three of our children.

Could I ask for your opinions? Would you do it if you were me?

I say hypothetical because obviously I'm under no illusion that we would have a successful pregnancy. I have close family who have been going through IVF for years. I also have seen how difficult it was for her going through it, whereas DH has already played his part by 'depositing' in a cup

Oh and I'm 38

I'm a similar age with one 14 year old, and no I wouldn't want to start again now. Maybe a few years ago but not now.

Good grief no way 😱 enjoy the freedoms after both rearing your DC. Wait on grandchildren 😉

@cheeseybread

Thanks so much for your response!

Honestly, my gut feeling is also no but I'm so scared I'm going to regret it in my later years. Because the gap between my two would be 18+ years () I feel like it would be like starting over again completely.

And yes, my first pregnancy was carefree with no complications. Although I still feel so young and I am reasonably fit and active I'm under no illusions a pregnancy at this age would be tougher.

I had my lo at 39.

Beforehand I was incredibly fit. However, I had a far from easy and calm pregnancy, some of the issues directly related to my age. Multiple bleeds as well as hyperemesis and multiple hospital stays. On top of the more usual reduced movements and then they thought at 41 weeks that I had lost my baby. Followed by a horrendous birth (even the experienced mw felt it was!)

This in comparison to one of my sil who was on her 20s who sailed through it all!

Honestly, in your position, I wouldn't have another at nearly 40. The risks, heartbreak etc. But I would be planning how to make the absolute best of the gift of time you've both been given, rather than being knee deep in nappies, sick etc.

No I wouldn’t. I am the same age as you with similar age kids, as much as I love the idea of another baby, the reality of no sleep, potty training and the rest of it makes me come to my senses.

Add in a cancer diagnosis (no matter how positive the outcome looks) I just wouldn’t.

If I was you you I wouldn’t not want to have a baby- but maybe 5 years ago- the problem isn’t the baby but for me the thought of starting over again!

I know that sounds bad! If you have lots of support and childcare support maybe I would but I personally don’t and can’t go through all the baby stage again!

Actually get a puppy- the training that takes will make you thankful it’s not a baby as they grow quicker plus the kids are old enough to look after it when you have weekends away!

Your almost free- enjoy it!!

I agree with Magnificentmug12. A puppy is a better compromise. All the family can get involved.

I wouldn’t either op. Enjoy your husband instead, you’ve both done the baby thing before and have earned yourselves some quality time together to live your own lives now you’re older - best of luck to you both!

Yes! Why not? We had a baby last year (Ivf/ixcis) and we have the most beautiful daughter. DP has 4 adult kids (30-23) and they’ve all been great. It definitely throws up new challenges but it also reminds us how precious life is, and that life is for living to the fullest, good luck x

And for everyone saying get a puppy? Wtf? You are mothers, you know how precious being a parent is. A puppy? (Head scratching confused and bewildered emoji)

Plus the OP is at an age where they wouldn’t recommend using her own eggs because of the high chance of failure. So no, there is not “a high chance” that it will work. At all

No she isn't. What are you talking about? Did you misread and think she is 48?

For me that would be too old and there would be increased risks. Assuming your DP is a similar age?

My mind would be racing with what if the child had severe disability or additional needs, would I be able to deal with that potentially alone at some point, if god forbid something happened to DP. Would I be financially secure and be prepared to forever care for another child.
I know, worst case scenario and of course not at all likely to happen!! Just that I'd be thinking of the worst to make sure I'm equipped.

When I’m 38, DD1 will be 18 and DD2 will be 11. DH and I would like a third in a couple of years (DD2 is only 5 months). The thought of getting to 38 and starting again would devastate me. DD1 wasn’t planned but I’m glad we started our family earlier. I’m hoping to enjoy my late 30s onwards with older children, time and money to enjoy myself with DH. Going from having a fairly self-sufficient nearly 7yo to having a baby again was enough of a shock to my system.

I’m glad your DH’s prognosis is good. Celebrate with the holiday of your dreams or a big party when covid is over or something. A baby is definitely something you both need to be 100% on board with.

I’m around your age and have an ivf toddler.

Honestly IVF is tough. So tough that even though we have an embryo left AND I would love a second AND we’re in the ‘right’ timeframe with all the kit in the loft AND have a big enough house and could swing it financially - we aren’t going back to fertility treatment.

I’ve secured a second dog agreement instead

Honestly. Enjoy the relative freedom of teenagers and being a couple just the two of you

I have a sister that is 17years younger than me. Dm has said I was an easier on her body and she had more energy with me. But this time around she had a bigger support group. Which made things smoother. There are pros and cons on either side.

I forgot to answer your question, if I have a good support system in place I would try to have that hypothetical baby.

No, and it’s very obvious from your posts that, fundamentally, you don’t really want to. Go with that.

Absolutely no bloody way would I start again. I would rather shoot myself. And I do t think you really want to either

Well you are young enough to! However, are you ready for ten more years of school runs, terrible twos, night feeds? Babies are such an affirmation of life I can understand a near death experience would make your DJ want to leave something permanent behind. But how do you feel? Gut feeling is....? Bear in mind you will be doing the majority of the work. Go with the gut.