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Cheer me up with your worst colleague stories please...

361 replies

whatsnewpussycat777 · 18/02/2021 15:48

My colleague and I are irritating each other at the moment, however nothing sinister. Thank God.

Had one previous colleague who was the laziest person on the planet ... and got away with it.....That partly nailed my leaving that particular job to be honest.

OP posts:
Janey3090 · 08/03/2022 10:34

Someone who I worked with once told me he would love to kill someone just for 'the experience.' His words were 'it just would be interesting to see the light go out from their eyes, you know as an experience.' It was just me and him in the office at the time, so I got out of there ASAP.

Last I heard is that he now works as an emergency call handler for the police Confused

Butteryflakycrust83 · 08/03/2022 10:41

Where to start

the guy who sat diagonally from me who would pick, inspect and eat bogeys with absolute relish ALL DAY LONG

2022ORRCC · 08/03/2022 10:42

This reply has been deleted

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floridamanatee · 08/03/2022 10:43

I worked with a few odd people at my previous job. One lad (not a manager) kept a record of what time I arrived in the morning and left in the afternoon. I was very rarely late, but he made a big deal of reporting me when I was. (By about 5 minutes when the bridge I had to cross was temporarily closed) For some reason, he just appointed himself my official timekeeper. Then sat around on Facebook all day Hmm
Another lad used to hock up into a plastic cup and leave it on the desk.
Someone else farted so much HR got involved.
I was quite sad to leave, to be honest 😂

Saracen · 08/03/2022 10:47

Not funny really, just sad:

Civil service. One mid-level admin person was very insecure and passive-aggressive. Almost anything you might say to her, she would interpret as a criticism. Heaven help you if you actually DID want her to do something differently from how she was currently doing it. However gently the request might be phrased, she'd go into full-on defensive mode. She was in a state of constant high alert. She supported a number of people, most of whom were too scared to ask her to do anything in case of upsetting her. But then if you did the admin yourself, she concluded it was because you thought her incompetent, so THAT upset her as well.

We all felt very sorry for her, but no one could ever figure out how to handle her and work with her productively. She kept getting fairly positive performance reviews because her bosses wanted to shift her sideways to be rid of her, which was easier to do if she looked like an appealing prospect to the department onto which she was being dumped. So she had a new job pretty much every year, which was hard on her because she never had a chance to become thoroughly competent. I'm sure she could have been competent if she hadn't felt so threatened.

I was lucky enough never to be her line manager. Just being in the same room as her made me tense, as she radiated stress in all directions.

JudgeJ · 08/03/2022 10:52

@Tankflybosswalkjam

I just to work with Harold Shipman. Actually as a colleague he was ok I suppose. Bit lax with his paperwork, bit grumpy but let you get on with things.
My late OH used to work with Peter Sutcliffe during the long vac, we were supposed to be going out with him and his girlfriend one evening but I was ill and we didn't go. OH really liked working with him so what happened about 10 years later was a total shock!
Maverick197 · 08/03/2022 10:58

A colleague of mine with long greasy hair used to pick her scalp and then smell her fingers.

SnowFoxWinterFox · 08/03/2022 11:06

God so many.

Receptionist who once answered the phone with 'I'm on me fucking lunch'. To a client. (Not sacked.)

Line manager who used to scream her head off at me and say how disgusting it was the firm hired a non English person (I'm a migrant from another European country). 3 years of that. She also went into my computer and changed my time sheets to make it look like I had not worked several hours of each week. The MD knew but just said 'you know what she is like'. and ignored it.

There's more.

CustardySergeant · 08/03/2022 11:42

@cakewitch

One of my colleagues told me .. " we don't need the likes of you here , we were fine before you came along!" .. I lasted 4 years of utter nonsense from him after that, god knows how.
What on earth did he mean by "the likes of you"? What was it that he (or "they" since he said "we etc.") found so objectionable about you?
Applebrewsterstea · 08/03/2022 11:58

I had so much work I was given an assistant, probably about 18 years old. She’d only drink a hot tea or coffee if it had 13 sugars in it, so embarrassing when at customers sites.

She wore trousers to drive to our offices and would change into a skirt in her car, the parking was below the workshop windows where all the young engineers got an eyeful of her antics.

I decided the heavy workload was easier to do on my own as I spent more of the week clearing up her mistakes.

prettyteapotsplease · 08/03/2022 11:58

Where to start? The worst was a woman in her mid-forties who loved to tell everyone how good she was with people whilst getting up everyone's noses. She was the female version of Harry Enfield's character 'Mr You Don't Want To Do That'.

Sadly she was also inept and almost illiterate. She'd say that she didn't mind if we told her if she'd dropped a clanger but she made so many mistakes that it was embarrassing. It shouldn't have been up to us to tell her but the pleasant boss was too nice to pull her up. As she was a good few years older than the rest of us it felt like telling your mother off - we just couldn't do it. Her work had to be checked after she left each day (luckily part-time) and the whole department was relieved when she finally left of her own accord.

The perfectly pleasant atmosphere was almost blown part by this character and it took a long time to recover.

starfishmummy · 08/03/2022 12:00

@Classicbrunette

These are so funny 😂

I had a colleague who I shared an office with along with 4 others. This colleague smoked roll ups all day long. Back in the 80s of course. I complained to my boss constantly, every day the other colleagues didn’t like it either.. and then the law kicked in.. I swear I was the one who instigated it 😂 the colleague was put in an office on his own because He was so stubborn he refused to give it up .. an office of his own .. for smoking !!!! And he refused to speak to anyone. Especially me.

I used to sit opposite my chain smoking line manager back in the days of smoking in the office and I used to reek when I got home. One day she threw her cigarette butt in the waste bin we shared and I was on the phone when it burst into (a few) flames. My colleagues were very impressed by the way I nonchalantly excused myself from the call and threw my cup of tea in the bin to extinguish it!!
cloudyrain · 08/03/2022 12:00

The company I was working for was bought out back in the early 2000s and I agreed to take on a new Senior Account Management Role as I had some valuable clients they wanted to retain, all great until I met their Sales & Marketing Manager, who frankly was a talentless bitch and that is me being nice.
She had some accounts but her sales were less than 10% of mine, yet in her opinion hers were better and much harder to achieve. She also had some sales reps under her who were intimidated by her and who were never given the tools to perform.
I think I just made account management look easy as I was good at my job, whereas she was crap, disorganised and hated by all the staff except the directors.
It was always specified that I was not a member of the sales team but she tried to manage me, to tell me she was above me in the hierarchy, to belittled me, to discredit my sales even to prioritise her orders over mine. It was just a toxic environment for everyone, especially as I grew my accounts whilst she lost sales.
However despite my results the directors bought into her shit, that my clients were easy and she had the hard job and they backed her all the way, until I had enough and left taking my clients with me.

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 08/03/2022 12:01

I had a line manager who behaved like this:

  • asked me to mind the (large) shop every day around 11 while she did important meetings. One day I found her chatting in the canteen with colleagues. Turns out she took a break every single day but told me there wasn’t one. She gave out to me for leaving the shop (in someone else’s hand while I got some water
  • made me carry ridiculously heavy boxes cause women don’t need men apparently
  • made me drive (I worked on car industry) in heals when i wanted to change into flat shoes. I mean she made me, no dispute. At least now I can drive in heals. A skill eh?
  • I asked one day could I go 15 minutes early, she said no, but she left 30 minutes early asked me to send an email at 5:31pm as it couldn’t go any earlier, to make sure i stayed.
  • made me stand out in the rain regularly taking photos of cars then complained about the drops on them and sent me back out again to take more photos of wet cars only to complain about them again.
  • used to attack me before leaving on a Saturday so my one day off a week was spent afraid of going back in on a Monday.

I was 21, my first job, keen, willing and friendly. Very naive. She took so much advantage. I got fired after 3 months because I complained and cried to my boss saying I couldn’t take it anymore.

She was a horrible evil son of a bitch. That’s just a taster.

Pedallleur · 08/03/2022 12:04

A gay man in the office who was caught laminating downloaded pornography. I did suggest that putting cling film over his monitor might have been better.

Gonnagetgoing · 08/03/2022 12:16

Used to work with an office manager who was very nice and good at her job but a massive oversharer.

She used to relay us with tales of her bowels - "ooh it was like liquid gold". Another ex colleague (another company) apparently put a cold table/teaspoon near her nether regions as she had thrush...

A few stories about temp receptionists who had bottles of vodka under desks who were fired.

One company, one of the accounts clerks said "I can screw the XXX company owners over" - turned out he was fraudulently doing a lot of transferring of company money into his own account and was fired - nasty little prick who was there a few years before this happened.

Ex boss of mine (very short time in job, had just started and there 2-3 months and I was very young) corned me behind the cupboards and groped me, and stroked my hand. When I complained via phone his PA told me "Nigel likes to cuddle the girls..." - doctor, still around and I got a small payoff for that. His excuse for groping me? "I was jetlagged after flying back to London from Toronto".

Ex boss (architect) for approx 2 months - fine at interview but a nightmare to work for. Used to hiss at me as I walked past his glass doored office and I'd say "is this fine, what I've done?" - "no it's NOT fine". Typed and sent an abusive email to a client whilst drunk with expletives after a Christmas party, had to be spoken to be his colleagues apparently the year before (I was told this) as he was so nasty and would throw architects models around. Before I left I found the ex-Office Manager/PA on linked in and messaged her to ask what he was like? Her reply "he's a nutcase, you should leave". I had to open his personal post and pass it to him and one of the letters was from the local psychiatric hospital detailing his appointments etc there. I left after 2 months.

Muppetlove · 08/03/2022 12:17

Two horrible slimy backstabbing cunts. The upshot was I received a decent payout from the company and started a new life essentially at the company's experience. One of the slimy cunts has had a massive demotion since.

TheOrigRights · 08/03/2022 12:21

I used to collaborate with a senior academic.
Another colleague subsequently told me that this chap was in prison for pushing his mother down the stairs in order to claim his inheritance.

It was in the news, but in another country so our team spent a few hours trying to translate the articles.

KatherineJaneway · 08/03/2022 12:26

@SomewhereUpMyArse

Bloke who had all his team's desks set out so that people had their backs to him and he could see their screens. He would then walk around commenting on what they were doing. And woe betide if you did a wee bit of non work related googling. Like a teacher supervising a classroom. Very very weird.
I had one of these. I was the bosses PA and her PA from when she started. A few weeks after she arrived she moved my desk to be in front of hers so she could always see what I was doing. I was good at my job, hit all deadlines, productive, proactive but she still did this.
Jetstream · 08/03/2022 12:26

In my first job my immediate supervisor used to molest me frequently. When confronted he took huge offence to my reporting. He also apologised. He resumed molesting me a while later. Had to leave job.
He was considered a pillar of society in our village all of whom turned out to pay their respects after he died.
Turns out he fathered a child not with his wife.
He used drown kittens in a.bucket of water during his break.

Saddlesore · 08/03/2022 12:27

Remember the perfume Poison (gag!). I sat next to a woman who kept a bottle on her desk and used to spray herself with it several times a day - no idea why. The smell of it clung to my hair, clothes and I could even taste it in my sandwiches. The whole department would comment on the cloud that hung over our corner. She was a nice person otherwise, but looked totally crestfallen when I asked her to tone it down, which made me feel really bad.

Tabitha005 · 08/03/2022 12:28

I undertook a five-week stint in a call centre when I was between jobs after moving to a new area. The manager was a deeply unpleasant, unfriendly woman who would bark at people; 'Haven't you any work to do'? if she saw anyone taking even the briefest of seconds between calls to share a sentence or two of conversation with the person sitting next to them.

Then, ten minutes later, you'd see her having loud, extended conversations with other members of staff, laughing uproariously and talking about non-work-related stuff. It made me want to shout across the room at her; 'Haven't YOU any work to do'?

The whole place had an air of deep sadness, regret and desperation about it - largely owing to the shit wages, long hours and unrealistic management expectations of how many phone calls any one human could handle in a twelve-hour shift (yes, twelve hour shifts were the norm in this hellish, tube-lit den where dreams went to die).

It was a massive office on a scruffy trading estate in the arse-end of nowhere, with stained old carpets, chipped paintwork, a run-down kitchen and the meanest, most-depressing staff room you've ever seen - that some previous employee(s) had gamely tried to cheer up by installing a borrowing library (full of depressing crime and murder novels), a few plastic pot plants and an old battered sofa that looked as though it was trying to melt itself through the floor in order to escape the hell in which it had somehow managed to find itself.

The lighting was those dull fluorescent tubes that give off a sickly, greenish glow that always reminds me of inner city minicab offices at night and the toilets were down a warren of corridors that always made me think of scenes from 'The Walking Dead' or some other zombie apocalypse scenario - I was always expecting the desiccated, shuffling visage of some long-dead former employee to greet me at every turn.

When the horrible manager wasn't there, the staff would moan CONSTANTLY about how much they hated her, hated their jobs and would do anything else rather than work there.... but some of them had been there for years and years. Conversely, there were also plenty of people who only lasted a day there, and the staff turnover was MASSIVE, unsurprisingly.

It was, hands down, THE most depressing job I've ever had. I still shudder thinking about it now. Luckily, after five weeks, I found a lovely job and I'm still there now.

Georgeskitchen · 08/03/2022 12:30

I love these stories!! I've collected too many over the years to recount but I did work in a well known retail establishment for a number of years which seemed to be populated by many extreme hypochondriacs who seemed incapable of carrying out any of the tasks that were allocated to them.
They either couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, had to go to the toilet 3 times an hour etc etc. We had genuine people who had adjustments I place to help, which was absolutely fine, but there were a lot of piss takers in plain sight. Complaints to the manager were always met with "be kind" so these people were laughing when getting away with doing virtually nothing.
Also had a couple of colleagues who when greeted with "hi how's things?" Took that as a green light to give a never ending list of all this weeks ailments. Most of the staff learned never to ask them "how are you?"
Only minor irritants compared to some of the posts😀😀 but dealing with it day in day out starts to grate eventually, and it was ALWAYS the same people!!!

Jetstream · 08/03/2022 12:48

Another one. I worked for a bit in a regulatory agency.was interview got the job. Discovered the supervisor was a demented nutcase. She used shout and screen at me. Tell me how to do something, a month later go bananas at me because it was wrong. She got up to real dodgy stuff like changing information due to be presented at a judicial review.
The agency issued licences with errors and omissions.
The most senior manager walked around as if he owned the place.
Considering the power these people have, it was truly shocking. I reckon she got rid of me because she knew I’d find out what they were really up to. I know how she treated was openly discussed after I was gone. She got a real hard time over it.

CustardySergeant · 08/03/2022 12:49

"He was his usual foul self but later when he arrived dressed, I gave him a look that made him aware I had seen his todger. "

Grin How did you manage to convey that with a look?

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