Cheer me up with your worst colleague stories please...

[whatsnewpussycat777]

My colleague and I are irritating each other at the moment, however nothing sinister. Thank God.

Had one previous colleague who was the laziest person on the planet ... and got away with it.....That partly nailed my leaving that particular job to be honest.

My colleague once gutted the fish he’d picked up from a friend in the canteens sink.

Yuk! that's grim

I'm a teacher. Years ago my school hired a NQT; a chap in his 30's who thought himself a bit of a charmer. He was coming to teaching 'from industry' and was not short of confidence! He used to find himself hilarious by saying things like, 'Mrs A, would you mind grabbing me some balls from the cupboard? Oooooooh BALLS!?! What am I LIKE!?'
In his first week I remember him loudly telling the whole staffroom his 5 year planned pathway to Headship and how you've 'just gotta know how to play the game.'
To my great amusement, before the half term was out, I remember him slamming in to one lunchtime looking traumatised saying 'those FUCKING kids, they just won't FUCKING do anything I tell them.' He didnt see out the year. He really was a prat actually.

A temp who brushed her teeth and left toothpaste smears all over the mirror and proceeded to cut her toenails with desk scissors at the desk of the person she was covering for

He was all fizzle and burn!

Woah to the temp

Had to take carers leave on short notice for a morning due to a mental health emergency with one of my children. Went in at lunch, still a bit frazzled, to find everything remotely personal had been removed from my desk drawers and lined up on top of my desk in full view & able to be accessed by pupils (think a bit of change for collections, training certificates, a couple of tea bags and the like). Line manager stated this was because I 'wouldn't want anyone looking in my desk and finding anything personal' No one was supposed to be looking through my desk...

Chap I worked with had questionable food hygiene.
Once saw him pour a load of manky juice out of the bottom of a bag of salad leaves and then eat them.

A recent colleague - I gave her lifts to and from work and sat next to her. She didn't stop talking from 08:30-6pm - I knew every detail of her life - each morning starting with what she had for dinner and her household chores she did and then details of any dreams she had had! This went on for a year - until I was furloughed and then made redundant I haven't heard from her since - nada nothing - weird!!

Worst person I worked with was someone who was just really nasty. Never smiled, talked about people behind their backs and publicly humiliated the staff members by " having a word" with them in front of everyone. Whenever she was off sick it was like the place felt lighter and everyone was happier and worked better. We were all on egg shells around her, it was horrible being around her. She was suspended for bullying but got away with it and continued to be a twat.

I worked with a lady who did not submit full legal documents to a law firm acting against us as ordered by the court. The reason she did not want to go to an office across the building and get access to the full file and just printed off the limited part of the file she could access from her desk. It all came to light eventually and we had to declare it. Ended up costing us thousands.

To be honest there was loads more. She got transferred to another section and wasn't replaced. It was only when she was gone we really found out how little she did.

I just to work with Harold Shipman. Actually as a colleague he was ok I suppose. Bit lax with his paperwork, bit grumpy but let you get on with things.

Nothing as weird as the workplace at times is there

Trainee teacher whose dad was from South America. This made him believe he could speak Spanish. He could not. He was very passionate when trying to convey a point (maybe inherited the Latino temperament?!) and once backed me up to the pigeonholes when talking at me about something.

I was emotionally abused by a colleague who gaslighted me.

He was my direct line manager.

I managed the situation when it occurred but since he left a year ago I tear up whenever anyone mentions working with him.

Everyone including senior management knew he was a twat of the highest order but employee not law dictates you can't just sack someone.

Instead he was put on performance review (because he failed to meet any deadlines or targets and always has an excuse) and his ego couldn't manage it so he left.

When I used to work in investment banking, Friday afternoon was dangerous territory where one of the alpha male directors would stalk the floor looking for "resource" to work the weekend.

On this occasion, we'd all escaped to the pub (sadly next door so still in the danger zone). Our department was only 100 people so everyone knew each other. Mr Alpha Male burst into the pub, pointed at someone standing in our small group and told him he was working the weekend for him. Except he worked for a completely different bank than ours. There was then a hasty mass retreat to the safety of the loos (not for the first time, being one of only three women in our department paid dividends as he couldn't follow us in there).

He also loved to march around the office with his "peloton" of poor beleaguered junior colleagues trailing behind. He did, however, have the last laugh by earning a seven figure bonus that year for his efforts.

My worst collegue / was a man - one of the directors of a ftse 100 company, who ran betting books on who the female staff on the works trips were most likely to shag. It was the 90s and I left.

A woman in our building believed that the radiation from her computer was harmful so used to sit with her coat on, a pair of gloves and one of those winter hats with the ear flaps. How she typed I don’t know. This was the late 80s and there wasn’t a PC on every desk but a few dotted around that were shared.

I’ve got loads of these type of stories 😂

Ooh, just thought of another good one. A man at a company I worked with got caught washing his dick in the sink

Went out to the shops at lunch, bought a razor, came back with her pubic hair in a plastic bag which she proudly displayed to everyone in the office.

I was trapped in a stationery cupboard by a creepy colleague. I was wearing one of those hoop and t-bar necklaces and the creepy colleague told me how easy it would be to strangle me with it.

Just two of us in tiny office desks facing. His first day. 12 o’clock got big leather gloves out and put them on! Bit worried, (petrified)
The put hands on desk and slept for an hour!
Turned out it was something he had done since starting work and did it every day. Was a great guy actually although my lunch hours were somewhat difficult sometimes.

My friend who was an office manager had to call a bloke into her office to give him a verbal warning.When he entered the room she realised that he had one off his balls hanging outside his fly she said in horror "Paul your bollock is hanging out!! He hastily popped it back into his trousers and they got back to the erm..bollocking

It was Colleague A's third day in the job. He was a cocky little shit. He went to the (shared!) kitchen to make a round of tea. Took a while, but that's fine.

Bought it back into the office, handed them out.

Colleague B (similar age guy) drank his. Then his phone started pinging... turns out that ColA, the little turd, had dropped his trousers in the kitchen, dipped his bollocks in poor ColB's tea, filmed it, and uploaded the video to Facebook after ColB drunk it.

Was my job to fire ColA. Which I did, immediately. Was desperate to ask him how the hell he had dipped his balls in boiling water, but didn't.

His dad then rang the office the following day and kicked off at me about firing him, he too was an absolute prick. I told him what had happened and rather enjoyed the blustery backtracking.

Poor Colleague B though. Felt so awful for him 😩

A long time ago (thank goodness) I went into the communal kitchen and found a member of staff drying his face on the tea towel