Cheer me up with your worst colleague stories please...

[whatsnewpussycat777]

My colleague and I are irritating each other at the moment, however nothing sinister. Thank God.

Had one previous colleague who was the laziest person on the planet ... and got away with it.....That partly nailed my leaving that particular job to be honest.

One that sticks in my mind was a girl who came to work with cold sores. I didn't think much of it, but then she broke down crying and telling everyone she had Herpes.

Had a colleague who was shielding through the covid pandemic.one day while we were all highly stressed, desperately short staffed and worried sick about catching covid she strolls in to “visit” and loudly announces how she is LOVING shielding as she has spent so much time sunbathing, gardening and spending time with her kids that it feels just like an extended holiday.

Yeah great to hear.

www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/01/09/guy-shared-10-schoolboy-errors-made-confident-incompetent-work-experience-chap-thing-wonder/

I think a lot of people have worked with someone like this.

Mine probably seems really trivial in comparison but I’d just got my first ever full time job. I was 21 just out of uni and I had to take in a copy of my passport before I started. New line manager took a look at my passport and burst out laughing. He was laughing at my middle name! It’s quite an old fashioned name and I’ve always hated it. The sort of name often brought up on awful name threads on here.

He used to call me by my middle name constantly and brought it up as a joke frequently around the office. It used to make me feel so insecure and embarrassed.

It was a large nationwide business and a few years later I relocated to another office 2 hours away. New line manager had attended a meeting with old manager who had said “oh how’s “awful middle name getting on?”.

Honestly thought I had escaped him. Thankfully new manager not a total dick so never brought it up again

I had one who was a godawful bully, as well as totally incompetent. Among many more hideous actions, she made a mistake in a brochure that had already gone to print. Instead of sucking up the very reasonable printer's fee for either re-printing the whole lot or getting the printing team to remove the incorrect pages and replace them, she made me go to the printer and sit there for 2 days with a staple unpicker and unpick all the staples from every brochure, then hand staple them myself. The printer was so horrified and ashamed of her behaviour on my behalf that he took me out for a fantastic lunch afterwards. Years later (at a different company) I had someone ask me, 'you used to work for x company, didn't you? Did you know anyone called [hideous manager's name]?' Turns out she'd continued her outrageous ways and was still a rude, incompetent bully.

Then there was the other boss who made me update every single contact in her personal phone when all the London numbers changed...and made me go to the TfL lost property office to look for her bog standard black umbrella that she left on the tube.

Mine aren't too bad but I had an awful MD at my first proper job, real lecherous old school gross bloke who would get pissed at lunch 'meetings etc. He came back from one of these meetings one day and said 'right what shall we do this afternoon? I know let's go out and get ourselves pregnant, oh no wait, andannabegins has already done that'. He also told us that we had to wear our shortest skirts and biggest bras to try to get work!

Oh and one of my colleagues at my current work eats apples really loudly across the room which drives me mad but in the grand scheme of things is not too bad!

Some of the ladies were also in love with the original guy from Bargain Hunt and he was all they spoke about.

That’s hilarious.

The worst one was the colleague who never did a full days work and regularly had excuses for not coming in.

But her best performance was disappearing for 6 weeks and then when her pay was finally cut off she got her 'mum' to ring in to say that "x had been kidnapped'.

HR made the Department take her back! And she's still here - I occasionally look her up on the staff directory.

I worked with a guy who used to inject oranges with vodka and get progressively pished.

I used to work with a female who used to have severe breakdowns usually marital related while there were a roomful of patients waiting to be seen.

Worked with a couple who were in a relationship which was a fucking nightmare if they were arguing. Had screaming matches in the office and three day long huffs.

I've worked with a lot of fucking twats

One farted a lot and it smelt of Cauliflower.

A woman I used to work with had grown up in South Africa but left shortly after apartheid ended. She used to reminisce about how she used to have ‘four black maids’ back in South Africa and a life a luxury until ‘terrorists’ like Nelson Mandela took over and ruined everything . Also openly admitted to being uncomfortable around ‘blek’ people. When I complained about her and said she was being racist, she told me it was racist of me to assume white South Africans were all racist.

I hated having to listen to her rubbish and was so glad to leave that job.

Two of my ex colleagues has a huge shouting match on the office floor over a shared love interest. We all worked with headphones so popped the volume to zero and watched the drama unfold. The insults were wildly inappropriate and they never spoke again after.

I used to work for a bank over 30 years ago. One of our team was leaving to work for the police. In his last week he ordered a new pin number for anyone who he served who had a current account. They hadn't asked for this.

I remember one poor sod waving a handful of new pin numbers asking us if we knew which one he was supposed to be using.

i had a colleague in the office who didn't wear underwear, very popular she was

@Tankflybosswalkjam YOU WIN!

Not mine because I can't tell any of my stories nhs and that people get upset when you start talking about that!

but my DHs secretary cost the firm 1000s by putting the wrong stamp on the franking machine and not noticing for ages. We're talking £26 a letter because once they used it to send some documents to America

Friends colleague was the head teacher and he stole 40k from the school, his kids went there

I looked at a job on an online job site. I thought it sounded interesting and it fitted with my experience so sent off my CV.

The response came - a full job description, person spec and app form - they didn't accept CVs. Looking at it more closely, although I had the skills they wanted experience that I didn't have - I wasn't really looking for a 'challenge' as I was 18 months from retirement so I decised to leave it.

A few weeks later they emailed me to remind me to complete the application form. I assumed that was an automatic response and ignored and a couple of weeks after that they phoned me and asked me to apply. I explained why I hadn't and was told that they DID think I had enough experience and could do the job. I completed the form and sent it in.

I didn't here anything for over a month and wasn't really bothered. I was then phoned and asked to go for an interview the following day. I couldn't make that time so an interview was arranged for the day after.

I went to the interview, which went well, and 2 hours later was offered the job.

The job was 18 hours per week. 6 weeks after starting, I was just beginning to feel I was getting into it. Although I had some reservations as when I asked for advice it was 'go with your gut - just go for it' but if I did something that wasn't how she would have done it there was disapproval. I was beginning to feel it was 'use your initiative to make the decisions she would have made'.

I was called into the office to be told it wasn't working out and rather than waste everyone's time I should leave now.

So less than a month FTE and with them knowing I hadn't had the exact experience they wanted and would need some support, I am told that I am not getting up to speed fast enough.

(It was a charity and there was a management committee and I think they had been told to employ someone to take some of the responsibility but didn't want to - so employed me with the full intention of getting rid.There was 4 months between me seeing the job ad and starting work and it turned out I was the only person they had interviewed)

I may be wrong - I may have been absolutely useless but I'll never know.

Oh my god I do have 1 I can share. I'm a scrub nurse so my job is handing surgeons pointy things, and one of the surgeons sniffs constantly and he shifts his weight towards me when he does it and the sound it goes through me I can hear him swallowing his snot and the desire to stab him with the pointy things is so much. It's really something else when you're stood next to someone for 8 hours with no break 4 layers of ppe and a sterile gown, constantly checking equipment making sure everything is tip top, seeing and trying to guess what they might need next, arranging breaks for the other staff members when he's sniffing and swallowing every 15 mins I get it's a nervous thing but Christ please stop!!

@14down

Friends colleague was the head teacher and he stole 40k from the school, his kids went there

Did he get away with it??

I had a colleague (I will call her Glenys) who was in charge of me when I first started in the organization. There were never any problems, we got on well and I did as I was told. Two years later we met again. She was resentful because I was now on an employer sponsored course taking my professional examinations, whereas she had never done so. She simply had natural seniority in the job. Glenys was in charge of the timesheet and gave me two late shifts before an important examination, making it difficult for me to have revision time. I asked the head of department to change it. Glenys went around with a face like thunder all week. She had recently moved into a new flat and planned a party, openly inviting everyone but me. She even invited dragon lady in charge of the department (who politely declined). I decided to gatecrash to teach her a lesson, so turned up on her doorstep with two colleagues and bottle of wine. I waited for her to say something about my “not being invited” but of course it would have been awkward for her to speak out in front of all the guests. Half way through the evening, bolstered by a couple of drinks, I banged on a glass with a spoon and announced. “Im sure you will all join me in thanking Glenys for her hospitality tonight and wishing her good luck in her new flat. Here’s to you Glenys!”

Everyone toasted Glenys and her face froze like a mask. I know I spoiled her evening. A few days later I confessed what I had done to two colleagues. They believed it had been “just a misunderstanding” for me not to be invited, and were amused that I had gatecrashed. I was about to return to my study course that week. They suggested I arrange a night out and invite every one except Glenys. I told them no, I will make a point of inviting her. Next day I walked up to a group, of whom Glenys was part, and explained the arrangements for the night out. I told them that I knew some would be working until 9pm but they would all be welcome to join us for a few drinks neverless, adding “I arranged it that way so that no one will be left out. We don’t do things like that where I come from.” Glenys immediately turned on her heel and walked away. I never spoke to her again. She was the only colleague who did not come to the night out. Even the dragon lady came over for drinks.

Teaching. Basically all of it, which is why I'm no longer a teacher but the school where I had the misfortune to be pregnant at was a prize one:

1. Headteacher informed me that I wasn't to book any further antenatal appointments during school hours (including after the pupils had left, because god forbid I miss any meetings or personal planning time). She knew this could be done you see because she'd had babies and midwives could come out to your house at a convenient time. She was near retirement age.

2. Risk assessment carried out by totally inexperienced senior management that wasn't fit for purpose. When I raised concerns about a pupil in my class becoming increasingly aggressive and hyper focused on my bump (SEN school) I was dismissed by another senior member of staff as 'new mums always worry'. That pupil then attacked me, kicking and punching me in my bump. The hospital later said I was incredibly lucky not to go into early labour. Pupil wasn't removed from my class and I was told just to ' keep out of his way'

3. Started to be managed out. Increased teaching observations, at least twice a week, carried out by a member of staff who wasn't qualified in my age group, cheerfully admitted she had no idea what she was meant to be looking for and failed me quite spectacularly on one because she 'didn't understand' the integrated therapies in my lesson, despite it all being clear in my lesson plan and the therapist going to bat for me. Other senior member who was observing thought it was an excellent lesson.

4. With the pupil who attacked me still in my class I finally was allowed another staff member. They placed a teaching assistant in with me who was the deputy head's girlfriend. This was top secret but another TA tipped me off because the girlfriend felt guilty that she was there to spy. Oh, and the deputy head was also related to the headteacher.

Funnily enough I didn't return after my maternity leave ended. They didn't ask for my enhanced maternity pay back either (you get enhanced if you say you're going to return, which had been the original plan). I suspect they may have realised that it was a better deal me keeping the maternity pay than me taking them to court.

I was a bloody good teacher as well. But couldn't go back to a classroom now, I honestly think I'd have an anxiety attack (not just for the way I was treated when I was pregnant but that was certainly the final straw). My NHS colleagues can't believe it when I say it's a dream working there over education!

I used to work in a law firm where one of the secretaries was amazingly lazy. There were three secretaries for the department of six solicitors, but she decided she worked exclusively for the one older part time bloke. God only knows what she did with the rest of her time. She would moan about everything and when asked to do any work at all would sigh dramatically and say ‘oh death where is thou sting?’ (Ie she wanted to die because she was asked to do some filing). She was eventually given a formal warning and flipped and stormed out yelling at everyone in the department about stabbing her in the back.

She wasn’t replaced and no one noticed any real increase in their work so she wasn’t missed!!