I just can’t lose weight...

[AlohaMolly]

...and it’s really getting me down.

I’m not a stupid woman, I understand what to eat and I need to move more etc, I just can’t do it. I’m 33 and literally over double the weight I was at 16. I weigh a stone and a half more than when DS, 4.5, was born at 42 weeks.

@CressidaTheHeathen

It's less about the calories and more about the quality of the fuel. If you put fuel in that actively prevents you using fat, and only fuels you to move, and then you don't move, you gain weight.

But if you eat fuel that your body can use for growth, maintenance, repair, and all the bodily systems, the calories can be used by the body in other ways than storing them as fat.

We can do nothing with carbs but move. They do nothing else for us, in the myriad of amazing functions our bodies perform. If we don't move, we have to store them. More calories of fat can do so much for our (often nutritionally deplete, and yet overweight) bodies.

I think perhaps the title of my thread is wrong. I know what to do to lose weight, I just can’t get my mindset right.

If you think counting calories is the way to lose weight, then there's no wonder you can't get the mindset right. You're fighting evolution head on. It's very very strong!

From everything you've said here I agree it's about changing mindset above all else. I had years of disordered eating and now honestly I believe intuitive eating works. It's difficult to step outside the diet mentality but so freeing when you do. And when you trust that your body knows what it needs and exercise becomes about feeling good not losing pounds the world is so much brighter.

I had a mini panic after last baby (and suddenly weighing 2 stone) more but as soon as I let go and ate what I wanted again, removing all the swirling weight/number thoughts from my brain with a few weeks of concerted effort, I was - honest to god - without trying back to my 'normal' again in about four months.

It sounds simple but then I think the simplest things often work. Perhaps I'm very lucky and it wont work for you but I think the tyranny of a yo yo lifestyle has a lot to answer for!

*2 stone more)!

Has anyone asked what your weight and height is?

Particularly with a history of disordered eating noone should be encouraging you to lose weight without knowing that

5’7/8 and currently weighing in at 17.5 stone. I was down to 15 stone in June last year, 13 stone when I fell pregnant in 2015. But honestly, I’m finally at a weight that I’ve felt I’ve been all my life. I haven’t worded that right, but when I look in the mirror now, it’s what I’ve seen forever, even though I’ve never been this size. My body image, self esteem, relationship to my body is so fucked up that it makes it difficult to trust what I see. Logically I can know what food I need to eat etc but I eat my feelings, even if they’re subconscious ones.

It sounds like you are the same as me -Something has to click for you to start eating better.
You have to make a decision and go for it but that is easier said than done.

When I'm good, I'm good but if I slip back to eating poorly it's hard to stop the downward slide.

[quote Eckhart]@Dauphinois

Have you heard of ghrelin? It's the hunger hormone. It gets released at the time of day we normally get food. In terms of evolution, let's say the hunters usually brought the kill back at... ooh, lunchtime-ish? Then that's when the tribe would start getting the hungry feeling. It's an evolutionary advantage because if you regularly said 'No thanks, I'm not really very hungry' when the roast mammoth was ready, you'd die of starvation after a bit. It makes your sense of smell stronger too, so the roast mammoth smells really good.

But that's why you don't miss your breakfast. Ghrelin release can be trained in a matter of days. Didn't have breakfast 4 days in a row? Probably won't particularly want it tomorrow.[/quote]
@Eckhart , no, I'd not heard of ghrelin but that rings completely true with me. If I eat breakfast now I feel uncomfortably full, in just not used to it any more! I find exercise surpresses my appetite too, which is a good thing!

@imjackieweaver

It sounds like you are the same as me -Something has to click for you to start eating better. You have to make a decision and go for it but that is easier said than done.

When I'm good, I'm good but if I slip back to eating poorly it's hard to stop the downward slide.

I think that psychologically, it's a self respect thing. OP I think you've got that 'negative ego' thing going on.

D'you know the one I mean? The one where somehow you're holding onto the fact that you're 'special', but doing it inside out, so somehow you think that you deserve rubbish, when other people deserve a nice life.

But, just to challenge that, and trying not to sound like a git, but 'what the hell makes you so special?!' I'm sure you've made mistakes in life, but so have all the people with bodies like the one you want. Why are you different? Are you extra-specially, outstandingly, A-grade, prize winning levels of shit? My real question is, do you have any actual medals from the 'I'm shit' Olympics, because if you don't, it's not really a reasonable assumption that you don't deserve the things you want in life.

You sound lovely. And really quite 'together' in your thinking. You sound self aware. You sound like you've got a lot on your plate (oh, a pun!), what with dealing with stuff that's happened in the past, and your partner's food issues.

Have you got anybody in your life who makes you feel like you're just fabulous? And can you conceive of the idea of getting down off your 'I'm rubbish' pedestal, and just telling yourself that you are unique and amazing in your combination of personality traits and skills, just like everyone else is?

@Eckhart I think you’ve pretty much summed it up.

I have a friend who just so totally believes in herself that i find it quite jarring. She’s not arrogant or unpleasant about it, she just has always believed (and probably been told) that she’s the best wife, best mother, best friend, best student, can do what she wants, can achieve what she wants etc. Her self belief shines out of her, in a nice way.

When we chat, it’s so jarring. I almost feel uncomfortable because I’d never talk about myself like that, because I simply don’t believe it. I didn’t wear make up until my 30s because I honestly believed people would laugh at me for trying to pretend I’m something I’m not - ie attractive. Like putting lipstick on a pig. I got 4 A* and 6 A’s at gcse and got really upset when people would congratulate me because I didn’t feel I deserved them.

That’s what I mean when I said upthread that I feel like I don’t deserve to exercise or not binge. It took until October last year for me to realise that I just need to buy myself food for lunch - I make DS and DP lunchboxes. It wouldn’t buy things for myself and then end up hungry and eating shit I don’t want to! Instead of taking 20 minutes to do a workout, I’ll scuttle off and tidy the bedroom.

It feels like a chore and something dirty, to put myself and my bodyfirst, because I don’t deserve it. I don’t know why I feel like that, but it isn’t new.

Could you get a small individual slow cooker and pop your dinner on when you make breakfast? Then cook the rest of the household what they want later on? I'm on a diet so always pop on a homemade soup, casserole or lentil curry (I know you dh is allergic but you could eat something similar if you don't like meat). I do this when I'm making breakfast and then I just cook for the rest of the household later. Then your good intentions that you have in the morning will still be there in the afternoon because your meal is already done.

@Crowsandshivers yes I think something like that is a good idea - a bit more prep and a bit more staying ahead of myself!

I've only just started to change my diet and do exercise as I was under a lot of life stress and my child didn't sleep. Since the sleep situation improved and the stress has eased, I am suddenly able to do diet and exercise in a positive liking myself way.

So how is your sleep. And are there other things in your life you may need to tackle first?

Also annoyingly if you walk a lot then your body will be used to it and it won't make much difference to weight loss.

You sound lovely but sad and stressed. Being kinder to yourself matters more than diet and will pay off in the long run

Only a suggestion, but you could try eating a protein and good fat small meal late afternoon (instead of the sugar carb snack) and don't eat dinner with your DP. You could challenge yourself to sit with him while he eats and you have half a pint of sparkling water or a pot of hot tea instead.
The uphill walking sounds great!

The whole eat less move more narrative doesn't work with your body.
I've started working with my body now. Realising that hunger is the issue. If I'm hungry now I might have nuts or a babybel (not carbs). I don't have breakfast because it just kicks off your appetite, whereas if I don't have breakfast I can keep going til 2. If I'm at home I'll have two eggs with a few cherry tomatoes and a bit of balsamic vinegar. i'm not keto, I tried it, but as somebody with a vegetarian diet (as opposed to a vegetarian) it was very hard. So low carb works best for me. Sugar really is the bad guy. I don't exercise, just walking and yoga. Can't be bothered doing workouts though. Ireally agree that being kinder to yourself matters. Agree with the PP, walking is good for your heart, your strength etc, but it doesn't make a whole lot of difference to your waist line unless you are out walking for three hours per day.

So, again, @AlohaMolly, and in the kindest possible way, what is it that makes you so special, to be singled out for a crap life? Why are you less deserving than your friend who jars with you?

It can't be your past, because that's not happening now, so it's not linked to today unless you choose it to be, and you're clearly intelligent and self aware, so you wouldn't choose it to be. Would you? Or is there something especially shit about you today that means your food choices today need to be ones that will punish you by being bad for you and your goals?

(I know I'm being all 'devil's advocatey' - I'm not being mean, I'm just thinking that you might need to challenge the core of your thinking, here)

I wish I knew I did start counselling January last year because I was so sick of myself, but it was a male therapist (I have issues around men) and we didn’t gel but I thought I’d give it a month or so. Then, one week he asked what my issues around men were so I talked for half an hour about my own personal experiences and the wider statistics and he looked uncomfortable. Then the next week I went back, I think basically a year ago this week, and told him I’d been reading about this virus in China (on mumsnet ) and it had me anxious enough to do another weekly shop for the freezer. He basically called me neurotic and then emailed me the morning after our session to tell me he couldn’t work with me anymore!!

Then obvs the pandemic happened so I haven’t gone back to finding another therapist, plus I’ve taken a wage cut as a result.

It’s almost like I need to start every day with some sort of pep talk. I deserve to eat well. I deserve to listen to my body. I deserve to move.

Mantra sounds good. Saying it out loud might help you believe it.

Also you don't have to do everything at once. I started with diet and included exercise after 3 weeks to stop myself being all or nothing and giving up or disliking myself.

I’d maybe push breakfast and lunch back a bit and see if that lets you eliminate the mid afternoon biscuits and chocolate.
Personally, I’d cook separate meals too (it’s a hassle but it’s something I do: dd is veggie, dh likes meat, potatoes etc, and I’ve 2 growing hungry teens plus 2 young dc and me trying to lose weight! We tend to share elements of the meal so they’ll all have rice/ potatoes/ pasta, dd has a veggie based thing, dh and other dc have meat or fish (sometimes added to DD’s veggie thing) and I’ll have the fish/ veggie bit or sometimes chicken minus the carb

I’ve just got on the scales and it’s telling me I’ve put on half a stone in two weeks. Previous to stepping on, I’d been feeling like perhaps I’d lost a pound or so. This is what I mean about not being able to trust what I see in the mirror or feel like.

18 stone though

Whoops didn’t mean to post my face but hey...at least my three chins are documented for posterity.

'I wish I knew' passes the buck, responsibility-wise. As if it's some unattainable thing, outside of yourself, a thing you could know, but for some reason, cannot know.

If you can't think of anything that singles you out as the baddest bad in the whole damn town, then there isn't anything. You would know what it was, if it was there. You can't think of anything that makes you deserve less than others. So have faith in that opinion, rather than thinking that there's something about you that's going on without you knowing. Having faith in that opinion could be called respecting that opinion. Respecting your own opinion. Your opinion isn't worth less than anybody else's, right? Because you can't think of anything specific that would make you have stupid opinions.

The way you view yourself is based on a fantasy of you being faulty. I've been where you are. It's a mind shift at the very foundation of your world view, and when it moves, it can't go back.

You have to realise, in the nicest possible way, that there is nothing wrong with you. You are completely normal. You are just as boring and standard as everyone else. Some people will find you awesome, some will find you irritating, some will think you're wise. some will think you dim, etc etc. For me, recognising that I wasn't special or different for having had a tough childhood was enormously reassuring, but it also took away my safety net. Because that's when you have to start looking after yourself, rather than blaming everything that's wrong on whatever invisible fault it is that you think you have.

Your opinion 'I can't actually see anything that's wrong with me' needs respect. If that's what you think, then there's nothing wrong with you. Respecting that opinion yourself is the shift in mindset that will move you out of this rut. It's the kingpin of respecting everything else about you. The kingpin of self respect.

Bless you OP. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have struggled with my weight for years and also with my self-esteem (i am convinced that i have no friends and that people just tolerate me as why would anyone want to be friends with someone as boring, unattractive and fat as me?). However, i was also convinced that i ate healthily and was active.

I live in the 'other' mountain range in Wales and would walk up and down hills several times a week yet i couldnt lose weight, only gain it. I tried all sorts of diets including no food after 6pm, lots of water etc.. but nothing worked.

Then i started Couch 2 5k.. I thought i wouldn't be able to do it as i have dodgy knees (from being fat), a random ticker and no stamina but its a really good regime and not only did i stick to it but i finished it over 12 months ago and am still running most days. Please note however that it was 3 or 4 months before I started to see the weight coming off. I then 'did' lent last year and cut out all snacks between meals - the combination of running 3 times a week and no snacks between meals meant that the weight started to drop off as AND as it started to go i got more and more motivation to lose more - I have now lost over 2.5 stone but have plateaued in the last few months (think i need to 'do' lent again !!).

I try to ensure that i do at least 10,000 steps a day (absolute minimum of 5000 steps on yukky days) and this keeps my weight stable but no more weight loss without the diet watch as well (which is currently failing due to home schooling and general time of year meh-ness).

Regardless of any beliefs perhaps use Lent to try the more water, less snacks tactic and maybe track your steps to see just how much you are doing each day and set yourself a realistic target? Or maybe have a go at couch 2 5k, just a thought. Good luck x