In my shoes, would you attempt to have a career or a child?

[Ikolp]

There's more to it with my finances and rent vs mortgage, struggling to change jobs, better choices I could've made 10 years ago, whether I should be a parent at all when I'm a million miles from having my life together and things, but essentially, my choices now are...

Take an apprenticeship that could lead to a great career knowing that I have endometriosis and I'll be 35ish before I'm able to TTC.

Stay in a dead-end job and TTC at 31 knowing that money will be a struggle and when the apprenticeship comes up again, my previous qualification will be too old for me to be considered.

I keep going around in circles over what to do. I don't want to be a skint parent, stuck in a job that I hate but neither do I want to be in a great career, unable to conceive, wondering if TTC a few years earlier would've made a difference.

Hello.

I'm sorry you're facing such tough choices.

Only you can decide. But since you asked for opinions, looking after children is hard and I would not do it without knowing you've got work/ career sorted and can provide for them. Especially with the enormous recession coming up, taking this opportunity!

I've had endometriosis, is is hideous and so painful. But don't let that control your life. The average age of a first time mum in the UK is 30. That means many, many are much older. I was 35 when I had my first and the youngest in my antenatal group!

You'll enjoy being a mother so much more if you do it when you feel you're where you want to be with your own life and happy. Focus on you first and it'll come together.

*take this opportunity

Also don't blame yourself for past decisions or waste time going over things from 10 years ago in your head. Regret is the most pointless emotion, the past cannot be changed. Channel your energy into what you want to do now. You sound like a very reflective person who would be a great parent, once you're in a happier place.

I'd probably attempt to have a child. However, I have a stable career earning a good salary albeit working for a horrendous person. I also have PCOS and it took two miscarriages and three years to have DD when I was 28, so my view is jaded.

I'd be tempted to "see what happens" trying to get pregnant can take a while (equally it can be immediate!) But you'll be so overjoyed you might not think about your dilemma so much.

My struggle was money how would it work and honestly as annoying as it is is when people say "it just works" so far it is!

Maybe a way to look at it is what would you regret more? Having your career but missing the boat for kids or having kids and missing out on your career? My job is super stressful and since pregnancy it just can't get to me like it used to - nearly 36 weeks now and about to pop!

@serialplanner

I'd be tempted to "see what happens" trying to get pregnant can take a while (equally it can be immediate!) But you'll be so overjoyed you might not think about your dilemma so much.

My struggle was money how would it work and honestly as annoying as it is is when people say "it just works" so far it is!

Maybe a way to look at it is what would you regret more? Having your career but missing the boat for kids or having kids and missing out on your career? My job is super stressful and since pregnancy it just can't get to me like it used to - nearly 36 weeks now and about to pop!

That is great and so happy for you. But honestly, the difficulties of raising kids in an insecure situation or without much money, come later. I don't want to pretend to the OP that it's easy and being secure in your work and finances first is sensible.

Id choose the career option

The situation with your partner will make a huge difference to this too. Is it stable?

@Chunkymenrock

The situation with your partner will make a huge difference to this too. Is it stable?

It really shouldn't.

You could start the apprenticeship then TTC, you could then take a short maternity leave and finish your apprenticeship with a baby (I finished my MSc with a new baby).

At 31 with endometriosis I'd pick having DC.

We are still renting with 2 DC and it gets me down but it won't be forever, I am a much harder/more efficient worker now I've got DC to provide for.

Ok so do you have a partner? And are they up for a bit of belt-tightening for a year or so if you do conceive? If it is you on your own, so you have any family support at all?
If yes, unless you live somewhere with no mat leave, I’d take the apprenticeship, wait however long you need to qualify for mat leave and then TTC. It may happen quickly in which case you will manage - I too finished an MSc on mat leave and it was a slog but I did it - or it may not, in which case you will have the qualification.
If it’s just you, you’d need to work out rigorously how finances would work - perhaps speak to a financial adviser about career loan, equity release or similar. Make it about how not whether, is that even faintly possible?

What sort of dead end job are we talking? Dead end as in very low pay, insecure, etc? Or dead end as in ok job, but not one that you really love?

Why would you need to wait four years to TTC? Is that how long the apprenticeship takes or does that depend on something else?

I had my kids in my early 30s. Based purely on my experience of pregnancy and the complications I had with both pregnancies, if I had the choice, I would not be having kids after 35.

What is the likelihood of securing a well paid job after the apprenticeship? How is that sector now post covid? Does the apprenticeship guarantee a paid position with a company afterwards?

I'm thinking if the apprenticeship takes four years, you would then need to find a job afterwards which being blunt could take years. Then work at a company long enough to be eligible for a decent maternity package (talking years here again). Then taking a year out whilst only newly qualified could just put you right back at square one. How flexible would a potential employer be? Is it the type of work that can be easily juggled around caring for a family and the responsibility that needs? Is your current job any better in that respect?

It also depends on what you do currently, what you earn currently and how that would compare to the career you have your sights on.

You could start the apprenticeship then TTC, you could then take a short maternity leave and finish your apprenticeship with a baby (I finished my MSc with a new baby).

I agree with Camomila, you need to do both. I had my baby as a single parent half way through my nursing degree. It was not an option not to go back, I needed the career and the money. This was back in the 80's and I was the first student to be allowed to continue with my training after maternity leave because of the new laws. I went back after 6 weeks. It was really hard but it had to be done or I'd have had nothing to support my child with.

We made the choice to make our life secure before we had children. Once we were ready, we struggled to conceive, but did in the end. The child happened to have chronic illness and in and out of hospital, so I had to give up my job and be a sahm. One good thing is, there's no money struggle.

Hi
I have had endo since a teen. I only managed to have my lo at 39 due to multiple surgery and extreme medication to give me even a chance of ttc as I was told by mid 20s I'd never be able to have a baby!
However, I did have an established career. So different circumstances.
However, most women I know who have yearned so for a baby have made significant career changes afterwards. Eg part time, reduced responsibility, etc. So though not ideal re the apprenticeship, you may decide anyway that it's no longer what you'd want nor fits your needs as a mother.
So I'd be getting pregnant now if there's any chance you can do so. The longer and worse the endo gets, the lower the chances...

We had our son before being financially stable and it was a real struggle. That said, if we had waites, we wouln't have had him at all as by the time we cam round to trying for no2, DH was infertile.
I think, knowing it could take years, I would start the apprenticeship, go and get some fertility tests to see what the situation is (you are not the only factor here) and depending on the results, just start trying.
I work with apprentices and many many women go on maternity leave halfway through. It isn't a problem unless you decide not to return after the baby.

Hmm. I'd have prioritised a family in your situation. I think go for the apprenticeship and stop contraception.

For me - Apprenticeship then baby no question.

The job is a known variable and the baby is unknown.

Would you be happy with your choices in the dead end job with no baby (knowing it didnt work out as planned but you gave it your best shot)?
If yes then that's your answer. Otherwise take the apprenticeship

The opportunity of some sort work will be there on hAfter the opportunity to get pregnant has gone.

I would start the apprenticeship and try to conceive at the same time and take a short break for maternity leave if you get pregnant.
Ultimately if you did the apprenticeship and didn’t try for a baby till you were 35 any financial benefits of the apprenticeship could be lost in ivf costs.

Why can't you do both?

You don't get chucked off an apprenticeship for being pregnant?

I can't do both. I sold my house at the end of last year without buying so this opportunity has come up at just the wrong time. If I take it, I won't be able to get another mortgage until I'm in a permanent job again. Renting, taking a pay cut to apprentice wages, living on the money from the sale of my house for a year, AND having a child would be insanity financially.

I'm on my own, which I know is a whole thing in itself and a lot of people don't agree with it. In theory, I'd like to meet somebody but I don't want to wait and see (for how long? I've never had a relationship, I feel like I'd be waiting a very long time if I wait until I meet somebody) if I do, especially given the endo diagnosis.

I work in food retail so it's as secure as anything is at the moment but it's low paid and no progression.

It's a two year apprenticeship. Four years is a guesstimate of starting it in a few months, completing it, getting a permanent job (the company it's with often keeps apprentices on) and finding another house.

No idea what I'd regret more. I keep swinging between the two options. My parents were working but skint when I was a kid so I know what having a family without a whole lot of money is like. It's not what I wanted but it's doable financially in my current job.

@Ikolp

I can't do both. I sold my house at the end of last year without buying so this opportunity has come up at just the wrong time. If I take it, I won't be able to get another mortgage until I'm in a permanent job again. Renting, taking a pay cut to apprentice wages, living on the money from the sale of my house for a year, AND having a child would be insanity financially.

I'm on my own, which I know is a whole thing in itself and a lot of people don't agree with it. In theory, I'd like to meet somebody but I don't want to wait and see (for how long? I've never had a relationship, I feel like I'd be waiting a very long time if I wait until I meet somebody) if I do, especially given the endo diagnosis.

I work in food retail so it's as secure as anything is at the moment but it's low paid and no progression.

It's a two year apprenticeship. Four years is a guesstimate of starting it in a few months, completing it, getting a permanent job (the company it's with often keeps apprentices on) and finding another house.

No idea what I'd regret more. I keep swinging between the two options. My parents were working but skint when I was a kid so I know what having a family without a whole lot of money is like. It's not what I wanted but it's doable financially in my current job.

I am solo mother. Though my situation was different.

I don't regret any of the decisions I made. I would have utterly regretted not pursuing motherhood though.

Have you actually looked at the finances. Looked at benefit calculators etc as to what you'd be entitled to if you bought the house now and then went the apprenticeship route. Could you make even? And a baby? Even if it delayed completion of the apprenticeship? I'd honestly be making it work.. Or looking at alternatives, which there must be.

If you're alone, then try to conceive in say 4 or 5 years, your fertility will inevitably be further impacted. You may not have met anyone nor be in any better position that you actually couldn't afford to ttc if it required fertility treatment.

Can you take that gamble?

I'd struggle to buy a house before changing jobs. The market is dead around here. I really can't see any way of doing both.

Also, there's no guaranteed job at the end of the apprenticeship. Obviously shouldn't be the case but I'm sure there are managers out there who would be put off offering a permanent contract to somebody who had a baby in the middle of a great training opportunity. Worst case, I'd end up unemployed, in a rented house with a baby, burning through the money from selling my house.

I think TTC in my current job is probably the sensible option. It's doable financially. It just means I'll be stuck in my job long-term if I do have a child and I'll be giving up on the career either way. Management where I currently work do favour parents, better shifts, lots of flexibility, so it does have that going for it.

@Ikolp

I'd struggle to buy a house before changing jobs. The market is dead around here. I really can't see any way of doing both.

Also, there's no guaranteed job at the end of the apprenticeship. Obviously shouldn't be the case but I'm sure there are managers out there who would be put off offering a permanent contract to somebody who had a baby in the middle of a great training opportunity. Worst case, I'd end up unemployed, in a rented house with a baby, burning through the money from selling my house.

I think TTC in my current job is probably the sensible option. It's doable financially. It just means I'll be stuck in my job long-term if I do have a child and I'll be giving up on the career either way. Management where I currently work do favour parents, better shifts, lots of flexibility, so it does have that going for it.

I think that if you want to be a mum, that's probably what needs to take current precedent. Could you buy again now in your current job say in the next few months and research how you intend to conceive. Do you have any plans?