Page 2 | In my shoes, would you attempt to have a career or a child?

MeadowHay · 10/02/2021 20:07

Could you not have a child in this job and try and do the apprenticeship later down the line? Unless it is something insaaaanely competitive I can't see why that wouldn't be an option?

Fwiw I am in a vaguely similar situation except I already have DD and am younger than you and married. However I have been pursuing a career which would be lots of years of study and training on a low wage albeit more than the pitiful wage I earn now. The courses I've been applying for are insanely competitive and I've been applying for years and finally got a place but it doesn't start for another year and a half. We knew we wanted a second asap to fit them in before I start and we discussed what we would do if we didn't concieve them fast enough etc. DH is happy whatever I want to do but I do think it is important to be honest to yourself about which is more important if it does turn out that you can't have both. And for me that's my children without a doubt. I would look back and regret not having a sibling for DD far more than my career. As it is I'm pregnant with no.2 and if all goes well I should be able to sort both, but if I had to pick, it would be the kids.

Original poster

Ikolp · 11/02/2021 11:01

I don't really have a plan since endometriosis. I was leaning towards towards IUI but I don't really know anymore. I've never spoken to a clinic or anything. Is there anything you'd do differently going it alone?

It's brilliant that it's worked out that you can study and have another baby. That's what I've been sort of hoping for. That things would just work out for the best. I'd love to do both but I can't see a way. I self-funded qualifications to try to get a foot in the door so I'm over-qualified for most apprenticeships but my qualifications are almost two years old and I've got no practical experience to back them up. I've been very lucky to get this opportunity tbh.

It's not being able to see into the future that's my main problem. I might spend all of my 30s trying and failing to conceive. The thought of ending up 40, childless and 15 years in a job I hate... I would regret that.

OP posts:

MotherExtraordinaire · 11/02/2021 18:36

@Ikolp

I don't really have a plan since endometriosis. I was leaning towards towards IUI but I don't really know anymore. I've never spoken to a clinic or anything. Is there anything you'd do differently going it alone?

It's brilliant that it's worked out that you can study and have another baby. That's what I've been sort of hoping for. That things would just work out for the best. I'd love to do both but I can't see a way. I self-funded qualifications to try to get a foot in the door so I'm over-qualified for most apprenticeships but my qualifications are almost two years old and I've got no practical experience to back them up. I've been very lucky to get this opportunity tbh.

It's not being able to see into the future that's my main problem. I might spend all of my 30s trying and failing to conceive. The thought of ending up 40, childless and 15 years in a job I hate... I would regret that.

Do you have the funds for self funded treatment or for buying sperm from a bank? Would you rather risk failing at ttc or regret never trying?

BenoneBeauty · 11/02/2021 18:44

I'd do the apprenticeship - it's only 2 years and from the sounds of it, will open up much better career choices in the future. Good luck whatever you decide.

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 11/02/2021 19:40

@Ikolp

There's more to it with my finances and rent vs mortgage, struggling to change jobs, better choices I could've made 10 years ago, whether I should be a parent at all when I'm a million miles from having my life together and things, but essentially, my choices now are...

Take an apprenticeship that could lead to a great career knowing that I have endometriosis and I'll be 35ish before I'm able to TTC.

Stay in a dead-end job and TTC at 31 knowing that money will be a struggle and when the apprenticeship comes up again, my previous qualification will be too old for me to be considered.

I keep going around in circles over what to do. I don't want to be a skint parent, stuck in a job that I hate but neither do I want to be in a great career, unable to conceive, wondering if TTC a few years earlier would've made a difference.

What’s the apprenticeship in OP?

Maybe some of us can advise if it’s worth it or not.

31 isn’t old at all, you could have a child through IVF aim your late 30’s/ early 40’s if you wish.

ragged · 11/02/2021 19:43

Apprenticeship deffo

NoSuchThingAsTooMuch · 11/02/2021 19:44

Career, all the way.

NoSquirrels · 11/02/2021 19:55

I've been very lucky to get this opportunity tbh.

Take it. Stop overthinking. You worked for this, you want this.

It's not being able to see into the future that's my main problem.

No one can.

Take the apprenticeship and ACE it. Work as hard as you can to impress.

At the same time, find out your options for conceiving. Knowledge is power.

Aim for the situation where you’re in a great job you love, then take the route to parenthood that is best at that time. The future will be clearer.

Right now you’re in a job you don’t love and not tied down to a house. You can move and be flexible. You are still young.

I’d stop overthinking it and grab it with both hands.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 12/02/2021 01:33

Could you afford to buy something small, like a one bedroom flat before starting the apprenticeship? Make your situation a little more secure. Then TTC while doing apprenticeship?

I know personally what I'd regret the most, not having kids. But that's me, no one cs

HereIAmOnceAgain · 12/02/2021 01:36

Posted too soon.

No one can really tell you what the best choice for you is, what you will or won't regret. I know what I'd do, it's harder when your unsure what is the biggest priority for you.

Highfalutinlootin · 12/02/2021 01:51

So, you're considering consigning yourself to decades of a dead end job and no partner all for a baby that doesn't exist? This is insanity to me.

You should really read the book Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. It's not for everyone, but she wrote it specifically for women in exactly your situation to remind us not to quit our lives before they are even started just to have children. That is the trap our mothers and grandmothers fought so hard to free us from.

A baby is not a given. You might never have children even if you don't take the apprenticeship. Then where will you be? And you think you'll never find a partner, but how do you know? I think you should invest in yourself first and foremost. Two years is not long at all. You don't need to own a house to have a baby. You can rent and be broke for a couple years while you build your career. Please just don't doom yourself to 30 more unsatisfying working years for a child who may never even exist.

Mother2princess · 12/02/2021 01:56

Depends how much you want a child really your life your decision

Figgyboa · 12/02/2021 04:41

I'd take the career first but that's just me.

N4ish · 12/02/2021 04:53

The apprenticeship is in your control and available now, the baby option isn’t. You’re thinking too far ahead and risk losing an opportunity that’s right in front of you.

Sumwin1 · 12/02/2021 04:54

It’s a tough call OP. I would say apprenticeship first in your case because your by yourself. How would you manage long term if you fell pregnant could you go back to work after mat leave?

Jellycatspyjamas · 12/02/2021 07:43

I’d do the apprenticeship - there are no guarantees with ttc and assisted conception is tricky and expensive so you could put it all on hold and still have no child. If the apprenticeship leads to a career path you’ll be in a better place financially to fund treatment, mat leave and the costs of having a baby, you might also meet someone you want to have a child with.

Primitivo1 · 12/02/2021 07:53

This is very hard but I would always take the actual opportunity (apprenticeship) rather than the imaginary one (a child).

We are very probably entering a recession. It may be the perfect time to take an apprenticeship especially if you may not get this opportunity again.

silverfonze · 12/02/2021 08:03

Take the apprenticeship
If you get pregnant always have rights and don't take long off. I did 5m with my first when skint and young

Don't even think about working in a dead end badly paying job and deliberately becoming a single mother. It is very expensive having a baby. Children cost a lot and they'll want parties, scooters, trips our, £5 magazines like all the other kids. It would be bleak for you and child. Don't do this

ThenCatoJumpedOut · 12/02/2021 08:04

Take the career

All my friends who had kids fit in with jobs got much better balance than those who took time off and then tried to re-enter the job market later

2021hwg · 12/02/2021 09:07

I would do the apprenticeship abs then spend the next two years getting your body in top condition to help with ttc, healthy diet, exercise And so on.

MotherExtraordinaire · 12/02/2021 09:11

I wonder how many of these posters saying take the apprenticeship which op has already said means not conceiving for 4 plus years, have had fertility issues and endo. Ivf isn't a cure all that the media portrays. The older you are the lower the rates of having a live baby birth.

In an ideal world, op would be as financially stable as she could be. But right now that's unlikely, even in 4 years.. Being childless would be far worse.

NoSuchThingAsTooMuch · 12/02/2021 09:22

Not having money to raise the child seems worse to me.

peppecolchester · 12/02/2021 09:26

Honestly if you want a child do that now while you can. The job opportunities won't be your only opportunity in life! If you're 30's now that means you have another 30 years at least of working before retiring, that's a huge amount of time to find other paths, people change their whole careers during that time ( I went from min pay to 40k in 5 years) so it's possible

Work and opportunities will be there again , even if they don't look like what you imagined, but fertility is finite

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/02/2021 09:32

I would take the job. I have endo and it took me a year with medication to conceive my first at the age of 33 (born after my 34 birthday) I had my second at 38. If the apprenticeship is 2 years you could easily spend all of that finding the right clinic, going through tests and then trying to conceive.

NoSquirrels · 12/02/2021 09:32

@MotherExtraordinaire

I wonder how many of these posters saying take the apprenticeship which op has already said means not conceiving for 4 plus years, have had fertility issues and endo. Ivf isn't a cure all that the media portrays. The older you are the lower the rates of having a live baby birth.

In an ideal world, op would be as financially stable as she could be. But right now that's unlikely, even in 4 years.. Being childless would be far worse.

But the thing is, the OP doesn’t necessarily have “fertility issues” although yes, she has been (recently?) diagnosed with endometriosis. So far she’s not had any investigation into how to conceive as a single person with her health issues. All that takes time, getting pregnant takes time, being pregnant takes time. It’s not a now or never decision right now.

The apprenticeship leading to a new future career is on the table right now, though, and by the time she’s investigated all possibilities for getting pregnant she could be almost done with the apprenticeship and halfway through a job placement.

I think she’s setting up a false choice. It’s not one or the other right now. Both things can go in tandem for a while.

Think of it the other way - what if she stays in the dead/end job to play safe, tries and fails to have a baby. Will she regret not doing things differently then? If IUI or IVF are not successful then there are other avenues to parenthood like adoption, though it’s not for everyone and a different path entirely.

We cannot control the future.