In my shoes, would you attempt to have a career or a child?

[Ikolp]

There's more to it with my finances and rent vs mortgage, struggling to change jobs, better choices I could've made 10 years ago, whether I should be a parent at all when I'm a million miles from having my life together and things, but essentially, my choices now are...

Take an apprenticeship that could lead to a great career knowing that I have endometriosis and I'll be 35ish before I'm able to TTC.

Stay in a dead-end job and TTC at 31 knowing that money will be a struggle and when the apprenticeship comes up again, my previous qualification will be too old for me to be considered.

I keep going around in circles over what to do. I don't want to be a skint parent, stuck in a job that I hate but neither do I want to be in a great career, unable to conceive, wondering if TTC a few years earlier would've made a difference.

Career
No brainer in your sitch. You need to sort your life out and have taken the right steps with the apprenticeship.

The four-year timescale, which seems to be the ‘now or never’ bit is the false choice. It’s not now or in four years. That’s just what OP thinks is likely if she wants to buy a house before having a baby.

It's a two year apprenticeship. Four years is a guesstimate of starting it in a few months, completing it, getting a permanent job (the company it's with often keeps apprentices on) and finding another house.

She could spend 2 years doing the apprenticeship, research fertility treatment alongside, get a permanent job and a house in year 3 and then be pregnant shortly after. Or maybe she’ll meet someone via her new work and everything will change. Or maybe renting isn’t a big deal anyway.

I think too often we say it’s one or the other but that’s not the case.

Do you want a child - really want in the core of you? Or do you feel that having a child is one of life's tick boxes and fear the possibility of regretting not having one when you're older ?

I wonder how many of these posters saying take the apprenticeship which op has already said means not conceiving for 4 plus years, have had fertility issues and endo. Ivf isn't a cure all that the media portrays. The older you are the lower the rates of having a live baby birth.

I did, if I’d have waited until I conceived I would have waited for a very long time (10 years +). In the end we decided to adopt by which time my career was well established which has been invaluable since having children because I could take time out and returned to the same role with a very flexible employee. I’m financially secure, which makes parenting much easier because I can afford to throw money at problems which otherwise would take a lot of headspace.

If Id decided to focus my my attention solely on ttc I’d have stayed in a dead end job and still had no baby. A secure career gives you choices you might otherwise not have in terms of having children.

Have the child, you can start work when they are at preschool.

You don't have a partner (I assume?), so you need to sure yourself first. Presumably, you would be having some help with fertility treatment anyway unless you are doing AI off some dodgy Facebook page. I would go for the apprenticeship. 35 probably makes no real difference than 31 even with endo. But having children is a lot of work and does cost money, especially if you have no partner around to carry half the load and expenses. Nursery alone is 800-1000 a month. To be able to afford that, you'll need to be in a good job.

I had my first at 32 but 2nd at 37, and the pay off for dh and I both getting ourselves in good places career wise before #1 and #2 has been immense. Our level of financial security really made a difference. We still haven't bought a house (at 40) because it was tricky while I was on mat leave and dh starting a new business and then we wanted to move to a different part of the UK and then COVID hit. But we have a huge deposit and will be really set when we do move. That wouldn't have been the case if we rushed it and had dc before the time was right. That said, my friend who has quite severe endo and focussed on her career got pregnant easily with her first at 39, so there is hope even when you think you might struggle.

"Being childless would be far worse."

Not for everyone... OP asked what we would do in her shoes. I would be happy to gamble on conceiving later and never being a parent and go for something better in my work. Those would be my risk preferences. I am a bit of a workaholic & don't understand sticking awful jobs if you have another choice, though. Work is going to happen no matter what. Kids might never happen no matter how hard I tried.

My fear, if I were in OP's situation, would be indeed be struggling to conceive, and in all that time not have the balance in my life of something else that was progressing well. Plus OP could have small child and lots of money worries & a job she hates. Or OP could just have job she hates and still no child.

As many PP have said: OP has created a false dilemma. She can have both the career and a child. Her 4 year timeline is based on home ownership, which is unnecessary. The two years it would take to finish the apprenticeship is a reasonable timeline for finding and starting fertility treatment and getting pregnant; that can't happen much faster even if she dropped everything and TTC. OP can definitely do both.

@Highfalutinlootin

As many PP have said: OP has created a false dilemma. She can have both the career and a child. Her 4 year timeline is based on home ownership, which is unnecessary. The two years it would take to finish the apprenticeship is a reasonable timeline for finding and starting fertility treatment and getting pregnant; that can't happen much faster even if she dropped everything and TTC. OP can definitely do both.

Again, I disagree. On an apprenticeship, op would earn circa £1100 gross. Not be entitled to benefits as over the threshold for a single person.

She'd then need to secure the position, hopefully where she trains, not guaranteed. Pass probation. Get established etc. So her timescale of 2 years is about right.

All those who didn't go it alone from before conception and don't have endo, really don't get the implications. It took me a decade to get my body into a position that my gynaecologist said that it was now a possibility of success. And clinics gave me a third of the chance of success of their most extensive treatments and expensive working.

The absolute worst case scenario is no child.

One job almost certainly can lead to another. And opportunities arise in the strangest of places. I've taken on people as support assistants, seen potential and then they've trained on the job. It happens in many industries.

If op was unsuccessful, she could still change role. Still apply for that or a similar apprenticeship later, if she wanted after reviewing the situation.

Sitting from the position of being in a couple who conceived with no issues is entirely different and unfair to advise based on that...

Apprenticeship is accounting. An opportunity at the right level and not specifying that qualifications need to be recent is very unusual.

It pays about £650pm for the first year. I have money. I'm not a spender and I save about £300 a month but it's always been saving for a house, first to buy a house, and then to move house. I do value that security very highly.

The practicalities of having a child, my current job works better than any office job because it's 24/7, 364 days a year and people change their hours all the time. They also let me swap/split shifts around my periods. That flexibility is worth a lot to me even without a child.

I don't believe I'll never meet a partner but by your 30s, even without endo, fertility is declining naturally. How long do you wait in case The One is just around the corner?

In all this, I am assuming, maybe incorrectly, that employers look unfavourably on people who get pregnant 5 minutes after taking a permanent job, particularly when they're willing to fork out thousands on training.

I do appreciate all the replies though. It's given me a lot to think about.

@Ikolp

Apprenticeship is accounting. An opportunity at the right level and not specifying that qualifications need to be recent is very unusual.

It pays about £650pm for the first year. I have money. I'm not a spender and I save about £300 a month but it's always been saving for a house, first to buy a house, and then to move house. I do value that security very highly.

The practicalities of having a child, my current job works better than any office job because it's 24/7, 364 days a year and people change their hours all the time. They also let me swap/split shifts around my periods. That flexibility is worth a lot to me even without a child.

I don't believe I'll never meet a partner but by your 30s, even without endo, fertility is declining naturally. How long do you wait in case The One is just around the corner?

In all this, I am assuming, maybe incorrectly, that employers look unfavourably on people who get pregnant 5 minutes after taking a permanent job, particularly when they're willing to fork out thousands on training.

I do appreciate all the replies though. It's given me a lot to think about.

What qualifications? £650 per month? When I did a training contract for accounting we worked very long hours plus study but were paid £28,000 per year, plus funded time off for studies and that was a long time ago. So this sounds dodgy to me. What is the qualifiication? Is it legitimate that you'd be a proper chartered accountant afterwards? It seems unlikely with the salary you've stated. It seems like a healthcare assistant vs a doctor, or legal secretary vs a lawyer. Maybe this is a financial clerk/ bookkeeper/ management accountant type thing versus an actual qualified, chartered accountant? It's hard to assess whether the apprenticeship is worth doing when it's uncleae whether it's the real deal in terms of training for the profession or just a low level role, processing invoices and doing spreadsheets etc?

Companies can pay apprentices 4 quid an hour for the first year regardless of age. It was a legit job with a large organisation with lots of opportunities and I ultimately could've got ACCA paid for if I'd been kept on after the apprenticeship but it doesn't matter because I turned it down.

A move I'm somewhat regretting now it appears the government are intending to continue fucking around with the housing market via stamp duty for several more months. So no job and I'm going to end up renting anyway. At least I'm consistent. Don't think I've ever made a good decision in my life.