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Original poster

Relationship ended and I have to move into an awful house

71 replies

Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 20:38

My relationship ended this week after it dawned on me that my "DP" of almost 8 years has been emotionally abusing me the whole time. I'd been in a DV relationship when I was in my early 20's so was certain I'd recognise the signs. I've been so stupid. This is our 2nd house together and I'm not on the mortgage. I had an issue on my credit file so couldn't get the mortgage with me on it so we decided to go ahead in his name only and add me later once the issue was sorted. We never got around to putting my name on the deeds but I trusted him not to screw me over so just said we'd do it when it was time to remortgage. I was so, so wrong. I should have heeded the warnings in the many posts I've read on MN. There's no going back for us, I know that much but we have 2DC, DS is 4 and DD is nearly 2 and they've both seen nasty incidents now. I just need to get the hell out of here. I made an application for universal credit and called my old landlord for a reference. He actually has a house available right away in the area I need to be in. I went to see it today and it's not very nice inside. It's clean and functional with new but very basic carpets throughout, freshly painted magnolia. The downsides are that every room has awful chipboard, dark brown panelled walls or anaglypta paper which has been painted over many times. The kitchen and bathroom are very old and worn, the toilet cistern is white plastic that has turned really yellow with age, the bathroom fittings must be 30 years old or more. I can't even redecorate for 6mo. It's really depressing considering I'm leaving my dream home. DD currently has a big, lovely bedroom and she's going to go into a tiny box room that won't take anything other than a single bed it's that small. I have this opportunity to leave, he's begging me to stay in "his" house with the DC and he'll stay at his parents. I want to wait for a better place but I have this opportunity to go now before he worms his way back in. I should look to the future right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 20:39

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Gilead · 07/02/2021 20:42

Have you seen a solicitor? It may be worth it, particularly as you have children.

💐

jclm · 07/02/2021 20:46

I would hold fire until you see a solicitor. You can get 30 mins free advice. Certainly take up his offer for now of him moving to his parents'

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 21:03

To be honest I'm happy to walk away from the house. He told my mum he's done the maths and wanted to give me £10k within a week to leave with no claim to the house and he'd take all the debt. It's a large amount but it's all in his name anyway. Considering the equity in the house and the debt it's a fair offer. After initially refusing, I told him today I'd take it he suddenly said he'd have to have a look at the figures and see what he could do. I think I accidentally called his bluff.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 07/02/2021 21:13

Be aware that receiving 10k from him will affect your Universal credit claim. It wont stop the Uc claim unless you already have some savings and the 10k takes you above 16k but will reduce the amount you receive each month. Anything over 6k will reduce it.

Original poster
Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 21:22

@Babyroobs thanks for that info. I'm not entirely convinced it'll happen anyway. I was happy to go before his offer, I don't want to give him anymore headspace so the money would be a bonus but it's not guaranteed.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 07/02/2021 21:26

Please dont accept the offer and get legal advice.
Not all solicitors give 30 minutes free, you need a divorce lawyer and you need to find out if you are eligible for legal aid.
If you aren't, google for your nearest Law Centre.

Original poster
Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 21:29

We're not married. Last month we were planning our wedding.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 21:35

You might want to speak with a solicitor, but given you're not married, you don't have much of a leg to stand on. Perhaps getting away from him, even if it isn't an ideal home, is the best choice. You can always move to a more desirable property in the future.

strawberriesontheNeva · 07/02/2021 21:36

It's better than nothing op or being in a homeless Shelter with two young dc ( I've been in that position and it's crap) it's not forever but will certainly give you and the CHildren a base and a home whilst you sort out the legalities with ex dp.

Thelnebriati · 07/02/2021 21:37

Yes I know, but they will know what you are entitled to - you have children. Or see a family lawyer.
But whatever you do, don't accept his offer. You wont be eligible for UC.
Get legal advice to protect your own interests.

Heronwatcher · 07/02/2021 21:37

Just get out. Your kids won’t care, they would much rather have a smaller, shabbier house with a happy mum! And you won’t live there forever. Seeing more incidents between you and your partner will affect them beyond belief as I know you realise.

I do agree that you should see a lawyer in due course but the important thing to me seems to be to get out before you can be made to doubt yourself. Good luck.

Cooloncraze · 07/02/2021 21:37

Empty houses always look grim before you make them yours. Yours sounds just like mine when I first moved in after a divorce (and wasn’t on the deeds of our house).
I love my rented place now. I painted all the dark chipboard doors with a white gloss. Repainted all magnolia walls with a farrow & ball cheap colourmatch white paint, got lots of rugs and plants and small lights.
Eventually replaced the bathroom going halves with the landlord as I don’t see myself able to leave anytime soon.
Also I don’t think that £10k will affect UC. I think it’s £16k - but would need to check.

I’ve never regretted not fighting for more equity in the house we lived in before I left. Was much more concerned to get out with my child before it got worse.

There are also loads of inspirational Instagrammers who share how they make rented houses lovely. #howirent

nimbuscloud · 07/02/2021 21:41

Take the house
Your kids won’t care about magnolia paint

HotPenguin · 07/02/2021 21:41

I wouldn't let the decor be a deciding factor, your children are 2 and 4, they won't care. Get some nice curtains and a couple of new teddies to brighten the rooms up. The important thing is to create a safe and healthy environment for your DC. I agree you should get advice on what you could be entitled to from the house however.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 21:47

I think he's totally bullshitting you about leaving the home and staying with his mum. If you don't take this rental, you may not be able to find anything else, and if he stays in the home, there is nothing you can do to make him leave his own house. You'll be stuck with him. I say get out while you have the opportunity.

Original poster
Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 21:53

I'll take your advice and call a solicitor tomorrow to see where I stand. There's no harm in having a chat, I might even be surprised.

I know I'm strong enough to do this and I know the landlord well enough that he'll be happy to share costs on improvements in the future so that's a positive point. He's just done the same with my sister who is also his tenant. He knows that it's a fresh break-up so wants to wait before I make changes. I get it.

OP posts:
user141631863 · 07/02/2021 21:55

You won't be living there forever. But it's the first step to rebuilding your life - and your children's lives - without abuse.

Even if you were leaving to move into a mansion you'd still have that sense of loss about the life you'd dreamed of living with him before you realised he was abusive. That grief has to be felt at some point, but you'll get through it.

Original poster
Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 21:56

@Aquamarine1029 I tend to agree with you. It's just a power play. It's the calm after the storm at the minute and he involved his mum during the argument so he's desperate to show himself as reasonable at the minute. The fact he went to my mum about the £10k rather than speak to me says a lot. I don't trust his motives at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 21:57

@user141631863 that just about sums up how I felt about it today. My heart sank a bit but I know I can make it a lot nicer in time.

OP posts:
user141631863 · 07/02/2021 21:57

A landlord you know, whom you can trust, and who is happy to work with you longer term is pretty valuable too.

caringcarer · 07/02/2021 22:00

You don't have to take that house. You could look for another rental. Work out what rent you can afford. If your DH is begging you to stay would he agree to have your name put on to the mortgage immediately? You could make that a condition of you giving it another go. At the end of the day your kids at their ages won't care where they live provided they are loved. The house you have been offered sounds like s blank canvass. Ask LL if you can paint dark wood in white gloss that is easy to wipe sticky finger marks from. Ask if you can paint woodchip in soft pastel shade. LL probably won't care. Get a few pot plants, bright rugs and comfy scatter cushions to make it feel more of a home. It will be your own and your children's place where you feel safe. Be sure the relationship is over though, before youove out, you say last month you were planning your wedding.

dublingirl66 · 07/02/2021 22:01

Oh he Sounds like a snake

Follow the good advice on here

Solicitor first

Don't communicate with him he will talk you into all sorts

Sorry to hear your going through this xxxxx

IdblowJonSnow · 07/02/2021 22:02

As you're not married I'd just go. Your kids are so young. They wont know or care. Clean and safe is so much more important. You can get nice bedding, fairy lights etc. Good luck OP.

bitheby · 07/02/2021 22:03

You don't have to move in to this house. Ok, it's available but there will be others available. You don't have to jump at the first one.

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